Leaving out future DSD as bridesmaid

[Laceandfrills]

I never wanted to get married but it was important to DF so I agreed providing the wedding is small. (He has a huge family compared to my mere 6 people).
We discussed numbers and my preference is parents and our children only as a compromise over his endless aunts/uncles/cousins.
I have 2 DDs and he has 1 DD. We rarely see her as she moved up north where we are near London.
Id like my 2 DDs to be my bridesmaids, I don’t want DF DD to be bridesmaid as she isn’t my daughter. I know it sounds harsh and cruel but I barely know her and for me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I.
There is a chance she will not come because of distance and whether her mother will allow it, I just don’t feel comfortable paying for another dress that may not get worn just to please DF and his family.
I know this will cause chaos as they will all expect her to be, and they’d also expect her to be directly behind me with my DDs behind her. I’d like some say in my own wedding where future MIL is trying to arrange everything for us. I’m close to calling it a day if she continues to rule the roost, which DF knows.
I feel strongly about only wanting my DDs. I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter? Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?
Do I suggest this plan to DF and accept the outcome or do I grin and bare it for the sake of one day? If I had to let her join in then she’d be behind my DDs, not in front, so surely that’s worse?
Did you have to accept parts of your wedding you didn’t want/ people included you’d have preferred not to?

I'd say that she should be part of Dh bridal
Party. She doesn't know you or your family so it would be cruel to suggest she gets ready with you.
Dh's flower girl. Gets ready with him. Goes down the aisle with him and waits with him.
Your dd get ready with you, walk down with you. Wait on your side.

Why is it so important that your step daughter is not a bridesmaid? What harm will it do? Feelings might be hurt if she is left out, but no harm is done if she's included.

Why doesn't he go to court

Given the age gap I think you could probably get away with the suggestion of making her a flower girl rather than a bridesmaid if you want to. Excluding her altogether seems really cruel.

This is really sad. No child should ever have to see there DD play happy family with a new family and be excluded. I hope if you decide to suggest this to him, he puts her feelings first, I know my husband definitely would in that situation. Maybe ask what she wants? She might not even want to be a part of it. If DF has her once a month in a hotel, I'm not sure how you think you know she should be medicated more than her mum knows 🤔 I do think she should be part of her dad's bridal party as suggested so no one your side has to take responsibility and care for her.

I feel sorry for this poor little girl, not even regards the bridesmaid situation, but how coldly you speak about her. Her Mother ‘refuses to medicate her’, she’s 7 FFS that is a big decision for a child so young, and not for you to be deciding is the right path considering you openly boast you don’t even know her. Your DF should be fighting for her, for more access rather than just accepting this once a month nonsense meanwhile seeing your girls every day. Everyone is failing this poor kid, absolutely horrible.

Outrageous!

I'm sorry, but quite simply, you don't sound very nice.

Poor girl

Poor DSD sounds like Cinderella and your 2 DDs as Drizella and Anastasia.

This is such a depressing thread. That poor dc is 7 and already way down her dad’s priorities and step mum to be is erasing her because she’s not met her many times. She’s your fiancés child ffs!

'I hardly know her.' Then why are you marrying her dad? She's the most important person in his life. I think you're a disgrace. You should be falling over yourself to involve her.

This is all so messy and strange.

I am finding it difficult reconciling a bride who would accept their fiance and his mother arranging their entire wedding.

I am finding it difficult reconciling anyone wanting to marry a man who moved miles away from his autistic child and who has this far failed to fight for the child's rights to be cared for by both of her parents.

I am finding it difficult as a mother to understand how a mother of two daughters could contemplate being so exclusionary of a little girl.

Finally, I can't comprehend why on earth his controlling family would not be "looking after" their grandchild and your family would be.

Call off the wedding and use the funds for group therapy

My step daughter wore the same dress, hair was done etc etc but she stood with her dad so she was the same as my girls, but she had a role to be with her dad. Worked well

You realise you're going to be her stepmum if you marry her dad, so she will essentially be your dd in a lot of ways

Be serious. She’s been with him 5 years and only met his DD a few times. She’s not going to be any sort of parent to her. He’s barely any sort of dad.

He moved miles away, won’t stand up to his ex and have contact at the place he’s living now with OP. I doubt this child gives OP any thought at all.

You don’t sound like a very nice person at all. I don’t understand how you can be so cruel to a child. Shame on you, especially as a mother.

Have her as a flower girl and make her MIL responsibility on the day. She will appreciate that she was included when she's older and sees the photos. As opposed to understanding that she was left out.

You'll still have special moments with your two girls before the wedding - they can get dressed with you etc. Have a spa day pre wedding etc.

I think it’s very reasonable to not have the 7 year old as your bridesmaid. She’s much younger than your DDs and it could feel very intimidating for her to join as such a prominent part while not having the relationship with you or your other DDs.
However I would buy her a very special flower girl dress and maybe carry a basket of flowers to feel special and included and include her the a few of the formal photos.

Then if she doesn’t make the wedding it’s a less obvious gap.

Good luck

If you're not bothered about getting married/having a wedding I really don't understand why your care so much about having sd as a bridesmaid.

It's your partners daughter! Of course she should be included. If you had a son that wasn't your dp's you'd quite rightly expect him to be like an usher even though he's a boy and that's the groom's choice. (Bizarre way to think anyway)

You are going to come across as a really spiteful and childish person if you make this a massive issue. It doesn't need to be!

And yes make her your MILs responsibility on the day. It wouldn’t be right to make her anyone else’s given how little everyone knows her

This isn't the only way to think about weddings. Yes you could see it as a more communal affair where the bride and groom both choose who are both bridesmaids and groomsmen, and that would help the ever increasing number of blended families ensure everyone is included. But equally, you can simply let go of the tradition of the bridal party being strictly female and the grooms party being strictly male. I've seen an increasing number of people do that - blended family or not, as many women have male friends and many men have female friends.

It isn't flat out wrong to suggest he include her in his party, just a different way of going about things.

For the sake of future relationships invite her. She may/may not come, probably not from what you say.

But if you don't it will be remembered as your/your side of the family's fault and be a difficult memory to erase/work round.

It is your day - but it's also an opening into your future.

Couldn’t your fiancé just ask her if she’d like to be a bridesmaid? Surely her response would make it clear whether or not you should go ahead with your original plan.

My daughter was a bridesmaid when she was 2. 7 is not too young I think its quite a normal age..