Attending a wedding 6 weeks after a birth

[Mfo]

Hi,

My very best friend is getting married next year and by the date of the wedding I will likely have a 6 week old baby (younger if I go past due date!). My friend is not at all big on babies, the invite went out before I was pregnant and it is definitely a no child wedding. This wedding is so important to her, it'll be big and detailed and she's my best friend so I want to be there for her (in some capacity). My husband is also not invited. The wedding itself is taking place about 2.5 hours away from where I live so it's an overnight situation. My original plan was for myself, husband and baby to find accommodation as nearby as possible, husband to have baby for the day and for me to drive back and forth throughout the day, every couple of hours or so. The closer I get to due date the more naive this plan feels. I will be breastfeeding and this baby is not going to wait for a convenient time to be fed. I absolutely do not know what to do. Any suggestions? Do I ask if I can just bring baby with me (and try and manage without husband) but knowing this possibly puts her in an awkward position where she feels she has to say yes and then it's not her dream wedding? Do I not go, but know she won't fully understand this as she's got no awareness or interest in babies and possibly upset her? What alternatives are there?

She doesn't sound like much of a best friend if she's expecting you to attend the wedding without your husband and possibly without your baby 6 weeks post partum! Why isn't your husband invited? That's just odd. She's not making any allowances whatsoever. I had an 8 week old at my best friends wedding. I was maid of honour. I took DD to the wedding for the ceremony and meal (husband on hand of course to take her out if needed) but she was good as gold. Then took her to my mums for the reception. I didn't feel comfortable leaving her for any longer but it did help that I was bottle feeding.

If you're planning to breastfeed I'd avoid going.

After you've had baby you may not feel comfortable leaving them that early either and if they go overdue and you're only a
Few weeks post partum you may not feel up to being social at wedding.

I wouldn’t bother going, it sounds like a huge pain in the arse.

I currently have a baby the age yours will be who I am BF. There is no way I would do this - feeds are still really unpredictable and he cluster feeds in the evening. Id only go if my baby and husband could go so I could BF my baby as and when.

Honestly, I really don't understand People having childfree weddings which exclude small infants. I can totally understand you might not want a 4 year old running around at your wedding, but a nursing infant? You're not paying for their meal or giving up a space someone else could take. And anyone it's just not practical. You just need to make sure you take them outside during the ceremony if they're not asleep so they make no noise. Ditto speeches
When I got married we had "family children only" but asked the parents with under 1s if they wanted go bring their babies. Unsurprisingly the ones with 6+ babies generally wanted a night off and by that point had predictable feeds, took a bottle. The smallest baby was 2 months old and he came. You're friend is not very thoughtful.

Also just to agree with PP I really wouldn't want to leave my baby at this point and wouldnt enjoy the wedding as a result. The furthest I've been without my baby is to the corner shop for about 2 mins.

I would say it's better to be clear about this now rather than pull out at the last minute.

She sounds so invested in the wedding. I'm curious what her relationship will be like.

Anyway....don't worry about upsetting her. Just tell her what you are willing to do and then she can decide out of the options you give her. You have to set your own boundaries.

I would decline at this point, to let her know in advance. The best case scenario is that the baby is fine, feeds well, no issues, you recover well, no C-section etc. However. It's very unpredictable. It'll only lead to stress for you. I agree with pp that as she's excluding your tiny baby, she's not really being considerate. You genuinely don't need extra unnecessary problems at that stage.

Don’t go. I’d be all for it if baby and husband were invited too but who is that self obsessed that they don’t invite their very best friend’s husband and brand new baby? I’m all for child free weddings but generally it’s accepted that doesn’t apply to breastfed infants that can’t be apart from mum, aren’t going to be running around and don’t need a plate or even a seat at the meal. Also unless there’s a massive drip feed that your husband in an absolute knob who’d be likely to get wasted and start a fight then who doesn’t invite their BFF’s spouse? It’s really weird actually that only you are invited. So I’d say no point busting your arse for someone that doesn’t sound like they actually want you there. Stay home and enjoy your lovely new family.

It'll be impossible to go if you're breastfeeding. You'll have to decline the invitation now. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to say no to babies or children at the wedding though, it's her day.

Just as a thought too, if you end up having a c-section, then you may be unable to drive or not feel up to it even at the 6 week point.

Realistically, without the baby there with you you can't go, and if the baby is there you could probably do with your husband too, so if you're not going to try and get an invite for the two of them I think you need to say now that you're not going to be able to go OP. And stand your ground; you and your baby are actually more important than a wedding. One is early child and maternal health, the other is a social event.

I don’t get this invitation without partner business, I’ve seen a few posts recently on various forums saying that partner not invited and it seems the norm 🤷🏼‍♀️.

anyway in answer to your question, I went to a nephews christening when my second son was 6 days old. I didn’t make it to the church, just the family home after, it was lovely, everyone got to meet the baby, this was 25 years ago and things were different then !. But the point is, I was in a family home, with loads of love and support, but I was shattered, didn’t enjoy it was pleased I went because it meant a lot to my brother, but I wished I hadn’t gone.

is there anyway you could just go to the service? Hubby could wait in the car with baby or outside in pram. You could see your friend married, wish her a quick best wishes and then go ?

You’re not going to that wedding. Say no now.

I'd be embarrassed to have a "big and detailed" wedding that didn't include people's spouses, let alone my best friend's husband!!

I wouldn't attend if it meant leaving my six week old baby at home, even if I wasn't breastfeeding!

She's your best friend and she hasn't invited your husband? I'd say no for that reason alone!

As far as the baby goes, if you go past your due date, you might still be bleeding, cluster feeding (if bf), plus going to and from the hotel doesnt sound very relaxing for you. My DD used to take 40mins for each feed so plus the travel time, you'd miss quite a lot of the wedding. I also wouldn't have been ready to leave my baby for that long at 6weeks old (although appreciate others might have).

Totally fine if your friend wants a completely childfree wedding but she will have to accept that means you won't be able to attend. Then ultimately its her choice. So id say best to decline now because she might be able to get a refund on your plate or offer your invite to someone else.

i was induced 10 days after due date and had EMCS and was BF. By the point this wedding will be i was still very sore and baby was feeding all the time, with no more than an hour and a half between feeds. I also had mastitis. Not that I’m saying all this will happen to you, but it’s a very unpredictable situation. And highly unlikely you’ll be able to leave the baby for any length of time. I totally get child free weddings but think newborns should be an exception to this. They don’t take up a seat/cost money for a start.

If it were me, and it was a close friend, I’d lay my cards on the table now.

’if I’m honest, I don’t think I will be able to make the wedding. I will be hopefully breastfeeding so won’t be able to leave the baby for the day. I won’t be able to bring the baby by myself as it will be too much as I won’t be able to focus on you and your day. I also may not be able to drive. Unfortunately, without husband and baby coming too I won’t be able to make it.’

then the ball is in her court. I think most people would say they could come, if she really wants you there.

for what it’s worth, I think people who haven’t had children often don’t realise what the first few weeks can be like. I did go to a friends wedding with a 6 week old, but husband was there and so was my baby, absolutely no way I’d have gone without either of them! Baby spent the evening cluster feeding and I was sat on a sofa, thankfully various people came and had a chat throughout the evening so I wasn’t lonely!

This. Open your eyes OP. This woman isn’t your friend.

Also if its 2.5hrs away, if the baby is overdue and less than 4weeks, you will need to take a break from driving every 30mins to take the baby out of the car seat. So it will be a very long drive there and back.

Why hasn't she invited your husband?
But no if I had a 4 week old baby potentially post c section trying to bf no way would I be going

I agree with all PP. Your friend sounds a bit precious and I have a feeling you're used to bending over backwards to let her get her own way.

You won't be able to fit the perfect detailed plan she has and I suspect. Once you've had your baby, you will have lost any desire to. So, better to tell her now.

Why isn’t your husband invited? I had a close friend who had her baby 3 weeks before my wedding and I said to her that I completely understood if she couldn’t come and that if she did want to still come then whatever she needed to make that possible was fine with me. As it was she did come and stayed for 3-4 hours with her husband and baby; I’d never have expected her to come without her baby or husband.
Based on what you’re saying about your friend I think it’s a lose lose situation; at least by not going you save yourself that stress as she’s not going to be happy either way

I went to a wedding 6 weeks after having a baby. It was fine BUT my DH was there, baby was there, we had accommodation close by and we left quite early in the evening.

It was hard work because baby wouldn't settle at all because of the noise and activity, she fed less because of being unsettled so I regularly had to go and express some milk or I'd have leaked onto my dress. I could not have managed without my DH being there. It was nice to be there but it was not like attending weddings pre baby at all. Things will be very different once you are a mum and your priorities will change. If your DH and newborn baby aren't invited then I would be declining the invitation.

If your dc arrives two weeks late like mine, you'll be 4 weeks pp. At 4 weeks pp I had horrendous postnatal depression and anxiety, I couldn't be around anyone but my husband without feeling like I was under threat, my anxiety levels were the highest they'd ever been in my life. I also couldn't be away from my dd, when she was out of my arms the feeling was just dreadful. Breastfeeding was going terribly at this point as she had tongue tie and every feed was horrendous. She would feed for an hour and she would only go an hour between feeds max. Wasn't able to use a bottle as breastfeeding wasn't established.

At 6 weeks postpartum I was a bit better mentally, not a lot. And breastfeeding was even harder. I very almost gave up at 6 weeks, it was the hardest point in our bfing journey, as she has her tt cut but was then learning how to feed properly again, which took us right back to the beginning again. She also had horrendous reflux and colic it was very much a tag team situation of who was going to jig the baby next because she screamed A LOT. It was so tough, honestly I wouldn't have felt confident going anywhere like a wedding until dd was 3 months.

You can barely leave a BF baby at this age for an hour.

This is physically impossible. You need to tell your BF this.