Attending a wedding 6 weeks after a birth

[Mfo]

Hi,

My very best friend is getting married next year and by the date of the wedding I will likely have a 6 week old baby (younger if I go past due date!). My friend is not at all big on babies, the invite went out before I was pregnant and it is definitely a no child wedding. This wedding is so important to her, it'll be big and detailed and she's my best friend so I want to be there for her (in some capacity). My husband is also not invited. The wedding itself is taking place about 2.5 hours away from where I live so it's an overnight situation. My original plan was for myself, husband and baby to find accommodation as nearby as possible, husband to have baby for the day and for me to drive back and forth throughout the day, every couple of hours or so. The closer I get to due date the more naive this plan feels. I will be breastfeeding and this baby is not going to wait for a convenient time to be fed. I absolutely do not know what to do. Any suggestions? Do I ask if I can just bring baby with me (and try and manage without husband) but knowing this possibly puts her in an awkward position where she feels she has to say yes and then it's not her dream wedding? Do I not go, but know she won't fully understand this as she's got no awareness or interest in babies and possibly upset her? What alternatives are there?

This all depends on the baby's personality as well. My first wanted feeding every 20 minutes and was a complete boob monster, wanted to be om the boob for comfort,sadness,just because she could. My second only feeds when hungry or really tired isn't otherwise interested.

Driving back and forth wouldn't work if your child is like my first.

Also tricky to know how you'll feel in yourself at that stage. Not just mentally but in how your body fits into things.

If you end up having a c-section for whatever reason, you could also still be healing.

Tbh I think you need to have a frank convo with your friend.

From someone who had a child free wedding.

This is ridiculous!!! Your very best friend didn’t invite your husband? That’s weird surely.

But you have to take baby if you’re going, you can’t leave a 6 week old, and you won’t want to. I’m saddened that she’s not automatically said to you baby can come considering it’ll be 6 weeks old.

No one KNOWS how you will feel with a 6 week old. I've read all these posts saying about feeling sore dreadful etcetera etc. But it's not always like that. It's possible to be fully recovered from an easy birth. And as for the breastfeeding, we'll no one KNOWS if that is going to work well or not. So can't see into future. And I know if I could've ended up attending my best mates wedding but had declined months before on maybes then I'd be gutted. Maybe talk to you friend and see if you confirm 100 % nearer the time

I agree that people should do whatever they want for their wedding but this would exclude exclusively breastfeeding mothers of babies yet to be weaned. So as long as they’re fine with that, I guess, and fine with people saying “I know we’re close friends/family but sorry I won’t be at your wedding.” It works both ways. They can’t then be offended when someone declines. I say this as someone who didn’t invite lots of kids to their wedding.

And for those suggesting expressing, it’s not as simple as “Why don’t you just pump/bottle feed?” Pumping is discouraged by midwives and health visitors until later on to prevent what happened to me, later on than the age this baby will be, I should add: my baby rejected my breasts, preferring the bottle. It also interferes with a developing supply which the constant cluster feeding establishes. Even the best pump is not as efficient as removing milk as a baby.

Pumping is also significantly more timeconsuming and awkward to do on the go than feeding is. And OP will have to pump at the times she would have been feeding with a baby that small. It's a righteous pain in the arse. Unless you have one of those uberexpensive pumps that slot into your bra, you need a properly private space where you won't be disturbed, you need a fridge or a coolbag and icepacks, you might need a power source. Take it from someone who's pumped in the staffroom of a hotel I attended a function at and also in the toilets of a bar while the bartender minded my power cord for me.

She isn't your best friend if your husband isn't invited.

Your best friend should be accommodating your needs and wishes even if she doesn't understand babies
Most brides happily make an exception for BF infants even more so as your best friend
Why hasn't your DH been invited?
I wouldn't go, for your own sake, you have no idea how the birth will go, hopefully all goes well but even so you will be bleeding uncomfortable and knackered

I don't think you'll be up for going. I went to a wedding when my eldest was a few months old and that was a massive stress. Then I offended someone by breastfeeding.
Why don't you see if you can send a video message for her to see on the day telling her how important she is to you and that you look forward to enjoying her reminisces with her afterwards? No need to explain why you can't be there.

I attended weddings when my baby was 3 weeks old and last weekend when she was 6 weeks old. I absolutely would not go without her at this point, her feeding is still very unpredictable- sometimes every 2 hours, sometimes every 20 minutes. The first wedding my husband went for a walk during the ceremony as it was one of my best friends and we didn’t want to risk it. Last weekend she seemed to be pretty settled and asleep so we both went but sat right at the back so I could whisk her straight out when she inevitably woke up, the happy couple luckily didn’t notice. If you do go I’d absolutely recommend baby wearing as she just sleeps constantly in it. Also when she needed pacing around during the meal we took turns going for little walks so I’d say it would be REALLY hard without your husband there to help. I had a c section so I can’t carry her for hours and hours so absolutely couldn’t have done it without my husband

100 per cent you can’t go without your baby. I can see that the other options could be that she feels annoyed if you come with the baby and annoyed if you don’t come at all. (She might surprise you and be understanding that you bring the baby..)

I was once such a dickish bride. I cringe so much now but when I got married I also attempted a child free wedding and also didn’t draw a distinction between children and babes-in-arms. For some reason in all my youthful selfishness I assumed everyone would love an excuse to leave their baby at home and we’d have a better party without them. I had no idea that you can’t leave breastfed 6 week olds with babysitters or that new mums don’t want to leave their tiny babies, and I didn’t predict that it would mean most parents leaving early! Luckily my two good friends just told me they were bringing their 5 month and ten month olds and it was no big deal although there were no high chairs so they had to sit on laps at dinner.

My cousin has invited me to her child free wedding next month, my baby is 11 months and can just about be left with his dad but it’s a massive pain as still breastfeeding and I am tasting my own bitter medicine 😂

So just tell her you’re bringing the baby, she’ll understand one day. It probably hasn’t occurred to her that what she’s doing makes 0 sense.

This, 100%.

Wondering if you feel you could show your best friend this thread, OP. If she has any empathy she'll at least see that you resorted to MN as you feel so conflicted. Best case scenario is she may understand why you have to bring your baby and probably husband, or not come at all

This sounds bonkers. Why is your husband not invited? If it’s such a good mate then you make an exception for your babes in arms. All my friends did, even with child free weddings for close friends

At 6 weeks post partum a wedding is last place you will want to be. Especially without your husband. Why isn't he invited if she's your best friend?

Don't go. She might not understand but once you have your baby in your arms you will totally understand why a lot of us are encouraging you not to!

Hope all goes well with birth etc xx

I wouldn't go. My daughter wouldn't go. She's the one who left her 6 weeks old in my arms for about 20 minutes to go and pick up her older child and returned totally emotional and close to tears. It's nature you know 💝

I can totally understand you might not want a 4 year old running around at your wedding, but a nursing infant? You're not paying for their meal or giving up a space someone else could take. And anyone it's just not practical

If it starts screaming during the service?

No good saying I'd take it out, a disturbance would already have been created.

Just decline the invitation instead of making the bride agree to something you want and she doesn't.