Attending a wedding 6 weeks after a birth

[Mfo]

Hi,

My very best friend is getting married next year and by the date of the wedding I will likely have a 6 week old baby (younger if I go past due date!). My friend is not at all big on babies, the invite went out before I was pregnant and it is definitely a no child wedding. This wedding is so important to her, it'll be big and detailed and she's my best friend so I want to be there for her (in some capacity). My husband is also not invited. The wedding itself is taking place about 2.5 hours away from where I live so it's an overnight situation. My original plan was for myself, husband and baby to find accommodation as nearby as possible, husband to have baby for the day and for me to drive back and forth throughout the day, every couple of hours or so. The closer I get to due date the more naive this plan feels. I will be breastfeeding and this baby is not going to wait for a convenient time to be fed. I absolutely do not know what to do. Any suggestions? Do I ask if I can just bring baby with me (and try and manage without husband) but knowing this possibly puts her in an awkward position where she feels she has to say yes and then it's not her dream wedding? Do I not go, but know she won't fully understand this as she's got no awareness or interest in babies and possibly upset her? What alternatives are there?

Some NHS trusts have expanded on the lullaby Trust advice of 2 hours and said its actually2 hours total, 30 minutes at a time. Its because babies, particularly newborns, can be chin to chest or in sub optimal positions for breathing, even when the car seat has a "good fit". That means there's a greater risk (but not a guarantee) of positional asphyxia. Its one of the main reasons I didnt go to my friends wedding - I wasn't comfortable with such a young baby travelling in a car for that long and the train was awkward to manage. Of course its up to each parent/parents to risk assess and decide for themselves but at that age I wouldn't have had mine in a car seat for much longer than 30 minutes a go. We did consider a hotel to split the journey over 2 days,which is also an option if OP wants to go.

If its something anyone wants to know more about and you're on Facebook, Car Seat Safety UK and ERF car safety pages are great resources.

I think you just both have different priorities atm. And how many of us really understood how difficult pp would be before we had children? Id just message that you’d love to celebrate their marriage, that there’s too many unknowns to be able to commit to coming to the actual day so let’s arrange to get together after they return from honeymoon and you can really enjoy it.

I agree with most of the posters your friend sounds terrible. My LO was 3 weeks old when I went to a wedding, but it was my third so by that point you just get on with things. I'm assuming this is you first, in which case it sounds crazy -you may have a straight forward birth, but even then there is the recovery. Of you might end up with a C section, in which case you won't be driving at all. You'll be bleeding everywhere, leaking everywhere. You'll be learning a lot and have a huge identity change.

It's more than doable though with your husband there as then there would only be short breaks. If they are not inviting your husband, I personally would not bother attending.

This also sounds unhealthy! It's so important to build in time for recovery - whether that's a pint with a mate or a massage.

Had a similar situation I was single when my cousin sent invites out it was me and my son who she had asked to be page boy. Before the wedding I met my now husband and had became pregnant and gave birth 3 weeks before her wedding my husband wasn't invited fair enough but she told me I had to also leave the baby at home as it was no kids except family. What the he'll? How is my 3 week old any less family than my 6 week old? Her wedding venue was not exclusive and was open to the public my husband and my baby came and spent the day walking the grounds, in the restaraunt and up in our room he didn't step foot into any wedding related room including obviously the ceremony and then the 2/3 hours between ceremony and meal ect he stayed away. I did however introduce my baby to some of my family whilst the bride and groom were away and off site with photographers and was back with his dad when the bride and groom asked me to bring him back in and then speeches and meal my husband went in the restaraunt and then the reception they were welcome in I won't lie I was annoyed that my baby was considered less family than my older son but having been married myself now I kind of get it although I still wouldn't have been like that not like he's going to eat a full 4 course meal and drink the free wine is he but oh well. 2 of my cousins and their partners never turned up on the day and only let her know that day they weren't coming there was spare 4 places and 4 spare meals sat next to the top table staff approached and asked what they should do with the food did anyone want extras and they said bin it like actually bin it not ask my husband or even give it to the staff but bin it that annoyed but yeah anyway their wedding was in a very popular hotel/spa Manor house and they had a wedding part hired for the whole day so I told her the hotel is public and my husband and baby will be there in the hotel where I can feed my baby she really couldn't say much else if its public place could you not do the same? Or is it exclusive wedding venue?
Since then I've learnt that because I wasn't fit to fly to benidorm for her hen do when I was 36 weeks pregnant then me and my baby could f**k off so that's lovely isn't it granted we no longer speak

Your very best friend is having a big wedding but your DH isn't invited?? And she won't want your new BF baby there! I'd decline the invitation and avoid any more stress thinking about how to manage. It's not going to be easy and it doesn't sound worth it.

Honestly, at this stage it’s hard to say whether you could go so I’d manage her expectations and explain you might not make it. Personally, at 4 weeks PP (which you could be) I had a nasty infection in my episiotomy scar which has never healed properly(!) and baby was breastfeeding every hour. I wouldn’t have attended my best friend’s wedding if it was in my front room. By 6 weeks, I felt okay but baby was still feeding for an hour at a time, every hour or so, so it would have been difficult unless baby was actually there. If she doesn’t want you to bring baby and DH then it’s not going to be easy.

We had a 6 week old at ours. It was officially a child free wedding but ‘babes in arms’ is always a bit different imo. The baby was no hassle to have there whatsoever. Just ask if she’s ok with it. Driving back and forward is probably a bit unrealistic.

I don't think your friend is necessarily at fault here. You admit that you are gradually coming to realise the difficulties and the childless bride will ĥave no experience. You need to let her know ASAP that you can't attend (unless your husband and baby can be at the actual wedding venue). It would be lovely if your husband was invited too

I took my 6 week old to a best friend's wedding abroad . It worked out well but only because husband came too and we stayed in the venue itself, night before and night of. I literally lay in the hotel room until we had to get ready & go! There's no way you can do it with baby & Dad elsewhere, why should you?! Tell your friend sorry but if she wants you there then that's the deal.

I went to a wedding at 6 weeks PP. you need your DH there to help. Top tip as you’re breastfeeding is to feed feed feed before the ceremony then baby should sleep through! Sit somewhere you can escape discretely though in case they start crying. Also you can get earmuffs/protectors for the baby which can help when everyone claps after the first kiss - it really startled my baby!

Tell your friend you want to support her and to take a few days to consider whether she wants you there with baby and DH or not there at all. Imo there isn’t an alternative! You need to feed baby every 3 hours from start of each feed and feeds can take a long time at that age, so it’ll be tricky to leave the baby with DH.

You can frame it to your friend as DH takes baby when you’re not breastfeeding so you’re free to dote on your friend for her big day. I’d take an extremely dim view on any “friend” who had an issue with me bringing my small baby with me to their wedding!

No way in hell. I'm pregnant and can't fathom the thought of leaving my baby at 6 weeks.

Baby would likely be 4-6 weeks old. They could very much still be clusterfeeding, you would have to stop loads in the car with baby. If you have a c-section you can't drive yourself. Even if she relented about baby coming DH would need to come too and its just not really fair on him to facilitate this wedding he's excluded from.

I'd tell her sooner rather than later that it isn't feasible as you can't leave baby and you can't travel without your DH. You can't leave baby and even if you don't need a section and can drive you'd want someone in the back watching a baby that young on that long a journey. Save the money and do something nice the 3 of you.

Friend may be pissed but it's an invite not a summons. If she wants you there, she would do what is required to have you there and invite baby and DH.

I had a child free wedding and any of my friends that asked for an exception for their literal baby got it. I agree with everyone else - if your friend truly wants you there she can make it work for you, and her not inviting your husband is frankly absurd.

Sod that!
I went to a wedding with my 6 week old first born (and husband) and it that was tricky enough. We were welcome, we had a room overnight in the venue and my son was no bother. Still it was a big deal to travel and be away from home at a nice event at 6 weeks.

I wouldn't even consider going to such a thing w/o my newborn.

I wouldn't bother to go tbh.
I would have a meal with her once I would be fully recovered and the new born is settled in life. She will understand if she is a good friend if not her lose.

I did not have a bad delivery of my daughter but travelling and going out was the last thing I fancied the first month after she was born.

I agree with this. Better to cry off now, and leave the ball in her court if she wants to offer a solution.

We had understanding friends with a wedding 2 weeks after due date. We said I wouldn't go, but DH would provided the baby wasn't very late - it wasn't too far away. In the event, DD was prem, and the bride contacted us to ask whether we'd all like to come after all. We had a lovely time. DD slept or fed most of the time, and apart from the others on our table at the reception, and a mum with an even younger baby, most people probably didn't even notice her. It could be different with a colicky baby though - I'm glad we didn't have to commit to attending until she was about a month old.

She didn't even invite your husband, nevermind new baby, what a knob. She has zero awareness about etiquette, I'd have declined her invite when she refused to invite my husband. As for the having a baby, of course you can attend with a 6 week old, but the baby will be with you so you can feed it, this whole thinking you can drive back and fourth is ridiculous, your baby isn't a robot, at 6 weeks there's no telling if they will want feeding every 20min or every hour, either way it'll be often and not possible to be gone so long (I've breastfed 3). If she was an actual close friend your husband and baby would be invited. It'd be a polite decline if it was me.

I'll preface this by saying my DC were born in the '80s and in the US. "Back then" doctors wouldn't even clear new mothers to drive themselves short distances for 6 weeks, let alone do a 3 hour + drive/ride in car.

I say 3+ because you'll have to stop to feed baby, change nappies, stretch your legs & tummy and I think that these days they won't want a tiny baby to be cooped up in a carseat for that long at a stretch.

I doubt there is any way you'll feel up to this. At 6 weeks you're most likely going to be sleep-deprived and still 'rummy' from the birth and all the adjustments.

If your friend isn't understanding, that's her problem. I'd suggest giving her a call and talking with her about it. She may need you to say 'no' and stick with it right now or she may want to take a 'wait and see' view of things.

Your baby could be 4 weeks old if you are overdue - you could have a c-section - you could have stitches - you may still be bleeding - you might not have had your 6 week check - sooo many things.

I had a relatively straightforward first labour and 4 weeks post partum I was still bleeding, leaking from my boobs as I got to grips with feeding / pumping, sleep deprived, emotional and not part of the real world yet at all … I will add I was fine, happy, content in my chaos and looked after ect. But I wouldn’t have been at a wedding!!

Things to consider:

• if the wedding isn't chilled out, you won't be.
• going solo means you can't tag team (and therefore might miss some/all of the wedding).
• you might not be fit to drive

We did a wedding at 8wks with my son (2nd child) but I couldn't have done it with my first. BFing alone took 10wks to turn a corner with my first.

Big and detailed but she’s not inviting her very best friend’s husband? And BF babes in arms aren’t welcome? Nah, fuck that OP. What a massive PITA. Don’t go.

I’d be honest now and give her the option. ‘I’ll likely be breastfeeding and not able to leave baby for long, so would need to bring baby and husband in order to attend. I totally understand if this is not possible, if that’s the case I’ll be gutted to miss your big day but that’s my only option sadly.’

Why wasn’t your husband invited to this bells and whistles wedding if the invites went out before you knew about the baby? Must be a back story if she is your best friend and yet she excluded your husband.

She’s a weird sort of ‘very best friend’ if she hasn’t invited your husband, and you can’t talk to her about the difficulties you’ll face being six weeks postpartum.

Gently, OP, I think you need to raise your standards for how your ‘very best friend’ treats you. Why on earth isn’t DH invited to the wedding? You and baby are a package deal at that age.

Someone upthread said that she might be yohr best friend but you aren’t hers. I’m so sorry but they are absolutely right.