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Original poster

Attending a wedding 6 weeks after a birth

265 replies

Mfo · 22/08/2023 08:30

Hi,

My very best friend is getting married next year and by the date of the wedding I will likely have a 6 week old baby (younger if I go past due date!). My friend is not at all big on babies, the invite went out before I was pregnant and it is definitely a no child wedding. This wedding is so important to her, it'll be big and detailed and she's my best friend so I want to be there for her (in some capacity). My husband is also not invited. The wedding itself is taking place about 2.5 hours away from where I live so it's an overnight situation. My original plan was for myself, husband and baby to find accommodation as nearby as possible, husband to have baby for the day and for me to drive back and forth throughout the day, every couple of hours or so. The closer I get to due date the more naive this plan feels. I will be breastfeeding and this baby is not going to wait for a convenient time to be fed. I absolutely do not know what to do. Any suggestions? Do I ask if I can just bring baby with me (and try and manage without husband) but knowing this possibly puts her in an awkward position where she feels she has to say yes and then it's not her dream wedding? Do I not go, but know she won't fully understand this as she's got no awareness or interest in babies and possibly upset her? What alternatives are there?

OP posts:
Forgoodnesssakewhatnow · 22/08/2023 09:28

I would spell out the options to her - either I come with the baby or I can’t make it.

You’re an important friend to me but I realise you don’t want children at the wedding and my baby will need to be fed by me, on demand. So I’d totally understand your decision to have no children, but just to let you know, I won’t make it.

StaySpicy · 22/08/2023 09:29

I get people want to have "their" day, but if they make it hard for their close friends and family to be there I just wonder what kind of people they are.

I had a best friend be a bridesmaid 8 weeks after her baby was born. I paid extra to have her dress altered so she could breastfeed, her husband was invited and I told her to do whatever she needed to whenever she needed to for the baby, including leaving during the service. I was also prepared for her not to be there! And the whole day was perfect, none of the babies/ children in attendance caused an issue (and no matter if they had) AND she was able to be there to share it.

I honestly don't understand people who put barriers in the way of their loved ones attending. What's more important? A wedding where you might hear a month-old baby crying briefly or a wedding without your best friend because you made it impossible for her to attend?

Bizarre.

DelphiniumBlue · 22/08/2023 09:31

Your very best friend hasn't invited your husband to her wedding? Is there a backstory?
She needs to understand that having you there at this point in your life will entail having your baby and DH with you, otherwise it's not possible for you to attend.
I'd leave it till after the baby is born, then say that you now realise you can't manage it yourself, you can't leave a newborn baby, so either you bring baby and DH for support and driving duties, or you don't come- which would she prefer.
You don't know what the birth will be like, how well you and the baby will be... it might all be fine, but if the baby is later and you have a Caesarian, you won't be able to drive yourself. You may well still be bleeding and breastfeeding hourly, don't assume anything until after the baby is born.
A decent friend would be flexible about this, if she isn't, maybe she's not such a great friend as you thought.

GeorgeBeckett · 22/08/2023 09:32

She's your very best friend? But she's not really into babies? Don't you just need to explain the current situation?

Dear Friend - I do so want to celebrate your special day but there are a few things I'm worried about - can we chat through? Baby will be 4-6 weeks old, I don't think I'll be realistically able to leave them, they feed completely on random demand and it's really important to feed them as soon as they shows signs when establishing breastfeeding so the supply is regulated but also so I don't get sore and uncomfortable and get mastitis. If you'd be happy for DH to come he could take baby out in the pram if unsettled and feeding isn't what they need, do nappy changes etc. I'm also a bit worried as I don't know what kind of delivery I'll have. Hopefully everything will go smoothly but you just never know. I guess there's a risk I have a c-section and don't feel comfortable to travel in the car and if that's the case I might need to cancel. I understand this is a lot of information - if you don't feel you can accommodate us with all these unknowns then maybe it would be more straightforward if I just said I couldn't come?

This is what I'd say to a close friend. To a medium friend I'd say there's loads of unknowns with baby, gutted but probably easier for you if I say no.

Even if she doesn't know about babies she should care about you. My best friend wasn't a baby person either but when it was pointed out to her that her no child policy meant several people with little breastfed babies couldn't come she relaxed it to babes in arms only. She just didn't known the mechanics of breastfeeding.

My less close friend in this situation was really nice about it and said it'd be great to see us if possible but understand it might not be and happy for us to judge at the time. Some people might have more strict catering deadlines etc.

It is odd your DH isn't invited. Is that simply because she thought he'd have the baby? Or was he never invited?

euff · 22/08/2023 09:35

I wouldn't go in this scenario. I did go when my DC1 was 4 weeks old. I found it very stressful getting there and missed the ceremony as had to change baby at last minute from the lovely clothes she was in. I was also incredibly large still and had huge swollen legs which none of my friends had at the same stage. DC was fine the rest of the time but we didn't stay late. I had my husband with me too and my friend was of the opinion that weddings include children. I don't really understand how your very best friend wouldn't invite your husband. You and your DH have to jump through a lot of hoops in order for you to try to be present for a bit. I'm not sure she's the type to appreciate it.

GeorgeBeckett · 22/08/2023 09:37

FWIW I had good births and would have been up to doing this (with baby and DH in tow). It's not an impossibility but you'd need a bit of flexibility. And I do know people who wouldn't have been up for it.

Fizbosshoes · 22/08/2023 09:40

I went to a concert when my DD was 6 weeks.i was probably away from her for 5 or 6 hours and left some expressed milk with my parents who were looking after her. She was fine. I was very uncomfortable by the time I got home!!

At this stage it's unpredictable though, you don't know how you- or baby will be. I think if you don't decline, the friend (if they are a friend) will have to be flexible in that you might be there for some, or none of it depending on the day. It might be possible to go to say a 45 min ceremony or hear half an hour of speeches but unlikely you'll be there for its entirety.

Peony654 · 22/08/2023 09:42

Speak to your friend, and tell her you will be a maybe (what if you have a C-section 2 weeks past due date), and if you do come, baby will have to come. We had a child free wedding but we did have a few under 1 year old babies - I didn’t mind that at all as I’d rather the parents came, and no catering for the baby! I can’t see any other option. For me a dream wedding was having everyone there.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/08/2023 09:44

A breastfed baby at that age will not be able to be left.
equally I wouldn’t spend money on hotel rooms etc, when the bride sounds like a cow not inviting your husband and not realising you’ll have a baby.
decline

Aquamarine1029 · 22/08/2023 09:46

Your HUSBAND isn't even invited? Come the fuck on. She may be your best friend, you are certainly not hers.

Decline the invitation.

DinnaeFashYersel · 22/08/2023 09:46

In theory you could do that but it sounds bloody awful frankly.

You could go past your due date. You could have a section. Even then 6 weeks partum and breastfeeding is tough going. Baby could be wanting fed very regularly and for a long period.

BF is unrealistic and unkind to expect you to attend without baby and DH.

I ask her to relent and pull out if she declines.

readingismycardio · 22/08/2023 09:49

Nevermind the baby situation, but how come she's your best friend and your HUSBAND is not invited? I wouldn't go without my husband and baby. I'd say no ASAP.

callmesophia · 22/08/2023 09:50

Eh? Why isn't your husband invited? So weird.

I'd avoid at all costs, she really doesn't sound like a best friend. Weddings are all about family and people IMO, and babies are both of of those things.

NorthernGoldie · 22/08/2023 09:57

I went to a wedding with my 7 week old EBF baby which was just about manageable with my husband and staying over in the venue. There’s no way I could have left him for any length of time at that age because it was so unpredictable when he would want a feed and how soon after he would want another. I’d also had a relatively straight forward birth and recovery (no c-section). I think the only way you could do it would be with your husband and baby.

Maireas · 22/08/2023 09:58

callmesophia · 22/08/2023 09:50

Eh? Why isn't your husband invited? So weird.

I'd avoid at all costs, she really doesn't sound like a best friend. Weddings are all about family and people IMO, and babies are both of of those things.

Exactly this.

needlesandhaystacks · 22/08/2023 10:02

This is bizarre. Your best friend doesn't invite your husband to her wedding and then expects your newborn to not be near its mother at all.
She needs telling asap. She may not be aware if she doesn't have children so this needs explaining. Either you all go or none of you.

porridgecake · 22/08/2023 10:02

She really isn't much of a friend IMO. Prioritise yourself and your baby. I was barely at the stage of managing to get my clothes on the right way round by 6 weeks with my first. He was underweight, jaundiced, needed feeding every 2 hours and I had a massive tear that was very painful.
I was on my feet much faster with my second.

Cowlover89 · 22/08/2023 10:20

I wouldn't go

minipie · 22/08/2023 10:25

If BF then leaving the baby and driving back and forth will be very very difficult and stressful.

I think your choices are ask to bring the baby (but even if she says yes, you’ll feel stressed about the baby disturbing the day at all, since you know babies aren’t really welcome) or not go.

Personally I’d choose not going. I would not have enjoyed going to a wedding at that stage anyway as was getting very very little sleep.

VivaVivaa · 22/08/2023 10:28

I can’t believe your supposed best friend hasn’t invited your husband to her big wedding 😳

Either way, I don’t think your plan will work for a 4-8 week old breastfed baby. Sorry. 5 week old DS practically hasn’t left the boob this morning. Even on an ‘easier’ day he still won’t go much beyond 1.5 or 2 hours without a breastfeed. Be it for feeding or comfort or whatever.

Olika · 22/08/2023 10:28

I wouldn't go. You don't know when the baby actually comes out. If you end up in emergency c section it completely changes the situation. I had my DD last year and at 6 weeks I definitely wouldn't have been able to do it. My biggest concern is how close it js to your due date.

reabies · 22/08/2023 10:30

I took mine to a wedding at 5 weeks old, and it was only doable because DH was there, and our accommodation was 5 mins walk from the venue. And we bottle fed so baby wasn't attached to me all day. My DH had to walk him around in the car park for about an hour and a half in the evening as he was a big witching hour crier. I was still on codeine, naproxen and antibiotics for an infected episiotomy, so didn't really drink or dance.

It was doable but exhausting. PP is right about stopping every 30 mins to get baby out of the car seat on the journey. Plus weddings finish late, and then baby was up every 2 hours for a feed, it was even less sleep than we'd been getting by then.

The nice part was introducing DS to all our friends, and everyone being so lovely about him. But if your baby and husband aren't even invited then you're just jumping through all these hoops and there's zero positives for you. I'd probably just decline the invite and send a nice gift. She sounds more wrapped up in 'her day' than considering what her guests might need anyway.

Thehouseofmarvels · 22/08/2023 10:32

Does she dislike your husband?

ButterCrackers · 22/08/2023 10:34

Go to the most important 2hrs of the event and then go back to be with your baby.

annlee3817 · 22/08/2023 10:43

I was maid of honour for my best friend when my DD was six weeks old, and she was massively accommodating, we stayed where the wedding was, DH walked her around during the ceremony and I fed her when she needed it, she did have some expressed milk in a bottle, but I appreciate that's not for everyone. I was still bleeding at that stage and incredibly tired, so bear that in mind. If she's not willing to offer some flexibility then I would personally politely decline, a bit off that your DH isn't invited if it's a big wedding.....