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Original poster

Attending a wedding 6 weeks after a birth

265 replies

Mfo · 22/08/2023 08:30

Hi,

My very best friend is getting married next year and by the date of the wedding I will likely have a 6 week old baby (younger if I go past due date!). My friend is not at all big on babies, the invite went out before I was pregnant and it is definitely a no child wedding. This wedding is so important to her, it'll be big and detailed and she's my best friend so I want to be there for her (in some capacity). My husband is also not invited. The wedding itself is taking place about 2.5 hours away from where I live so it's an overnight situation. My original plan was for myself, husband and baby to find accommodation as nearby as possible, husband to have baby for the day and for me to drive back and forth throughout the day, every couple of hours or so. The closer I get to due date the more naive this plan feels. I will be breastfeeding and this baby is not going to wait for a convenient time to be fed. I absolutely do not know what to do. Any suggestions? Do I ask if I can just bring baby with me (and try and manage without husband) but knowing this possibly puts her in an awkward position where she feels she has to say yes and then it's not her dream wedding? Do I not go, but know she won't fully understand this as she's got no awareness or interest in babies and possibly upset her? What alternatives are there?

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 23/08/2023 19:41

Doesn't sound much of a bf about newborn baby

I said no children at first wedding but allowed babes in arms / is this a possible

Or

1 say you can't come unless bring baby

2 all go to watch her get married and leave baby with hubby in car park of venue - watch wedding then leave

If you really want to go /see her get married

DrMarshaFieldstone · 23/08/2023 19:46

@Mfo : Some years ago I saw someone say that other parenting forums will tell you what you want to hear. MN will tell you what you need to hear (sometimes very bluntly). You said yourself that the responses were largely fair and true.

We’ll be here when you are ready to come back.

Miriam101 · 23/08/2023 19:47

@ThanksItHasPockets well, that's great that it didn't affect any of your guests. But presumably if one of them had had a tiny baby that would have got you thinking about it? Or you'd hope a parent might have had a tactful word? As I say, in my experience most people do think about these things.

ThanksItHasPockets · 23/08/2023 19:54

Miriam101 · 23/08/2023 19:47

@ThanksItHasPockets well, that's great that it didn't affect any of your guests. But presumably if one of them had had a tiny baby that would have got you thinking about it? Or you'd hope a parent might have had a tactful word? As I say, in my experience most people do think about these things.

Yes, I’d absolutely hope that that would be the case.

My point is that MN considers the ‘babe-in-arms-rule’ to be universally received wisdom and I regret to inform you that it simply is not.

Pipsquiggle · 23/08/2023 20:02

@Mfo sorry you feel like that OP.

I can find Mumsnet incredibly useful. I just think most people found it bizarre that your DH wasn't invited to your best friend's wedding. Although it's normal for you, it really isn't for the vast majority of people.

I think most of the advice on how to manage attendance is sound. It is completely dependent on how the birth goes, the health of you and the baby and your DH being in close proximity with the baby so you can feed the little one.

Good luck with your pregnancy, the birth & parenthood

Tessabelle74 · 23/08/2023 20:39

I'd be telling my friend I'm really sorry but unless the baby can attend, I won't be. My first baby would feed for an hour and sleep for 4, but the second would scream unless he was feeding for the first 3 months! There's no way to predict how your baby will be. She's being very unreasonable if she won't accommodate a new born

Newbie999 · 23/08/2023 20:48

Your husband and baby are not invited! If she is your best friend you should set out your plans NOW! You can’t come without them! I’m sorry to say I think she is being exceptionally pretentious and precious and you put up with her behaviour as you are a nice person and somewhat nicer than your best friend.

Chestnutlover · 23/08/2023 20:53

Errr no. You won’t feel up to it. No way. If she doesn’t understand she’s not your best friend

Bellao · 23/08/2023 20:55

You need to give her the option of having you there with baby and preferably hubby or not going at all. I get it’s her dream day but if she’s that good a friend, she’ll want you to be happy and supported too. We had a big wedding and I included partners and children for day and evening guests because I didn’t want anyone to feel awkward or compromised. If she loves you, she’ll understand.

Chestnutlover · 23/08/2023 20:56

I didn’t get out of my pajamas for about 5 months after a baby. I would just voice all these concerns to her. But honestly I skipped being a bridesmaid last minute at my best friends wedding due to a baby so don’t feel bad. These things happen

WhatAPalaverer · 23/08/2023 20:59

I went to a large family party 9 days after a c section then on holiday 6 hours away with a 4 week old. We were bridesmaids at a wedding 2.5 hours away when baby was nearly 4 months. Not sure what the problem is? Feed the baby when they need feeding (breastfeeding friendly dresses are available).

WhatAPalaverer · 23/08/2023 21:06

Would think it’s obvious that breastfed babies go with mum or not at all? Bottle fed babies have more flexibility but no one can expect a breastfed baby and mum to be separated.

DrMarshaFieldstone · 23/08/2023 21:06

WhatAPalaverer · 23/08/2023 20:59

I went to a large family party 9 days after a c section then on holiday 6 hours away with a 4 week old. We were bridesmaids at a wedding 2.5 hours away when baby was nearly 4 months. Not sure what the problem is? Feed the baby when they need feeding (breastfeeding friendly dresses are available).

Were your babies excluded from those events or were you able to take them with you? The wedding in question is child-free and this is the problem.

WhatAPalaverer · 23/08/2023 21:08

DrMarshaFieldstone · 23/08/2023 21:06

Were your babies excluded from those events or were you able to take them with you? The wedding in question is child-free and this is the problem.

Show quote history

See above- breastfed babies and mums are a package deal- all or none!

RockyReef · 23/08/2023 21:21

I took my babies to weddings when they were similarly tiny (9 weeks, 8 weeks and 5 weeks) but the difference was that my husband was also invited and (obviously) the baby & their siblings were invited. So it was fine, they slept during the service and reception and then were awake during the evening party generally and we didn’t stay past about 9pm I guess, mostly because I was knackered. If you think you will be breastfeeding then I don’t really see how you can attend without the baby unless your friend can provide a room at the reception for your husband & the baby, and you can go to breastfeed the baby and then return to the wedding. Or could she relax her ‘no children’ rule for newborns?

blimmy · 23/08/2023 21:54

At 6 weeks post partum with my first two I was still in stretchy tracksuits and could not have entertained putting a fancy outfit on and spending the day away from husband and/or baby. I fact, we were invited to the evening wedding reception of a work friend at 5 weeks after my due date with DC2 - which turned out to be 3 weeks after they were born! There was no way on earth I was up to going so we had to decline a few days before.
With DC3 I continued bleeding very heavily for 12 weeks after giving birth. Again, no way could I have been in a social situation in restrictive clothes, surrounded by drunk people etc.
I think the earliest I could have felt comfortable to a) leave the baby and b) get dressed up and enjoy a wedding was around 4-6 months post birth. In your shoes, I'd be politely declining - I get that it's your best friend, but if I were you there's no way I could go. The wedding we turned down was only 20 minutes drive away, nothing like the 2.5 hours you're facing!

jrother · 23/08/2023 22:18

I attended a friend’s wedding 3 weeks after giving birth to my daughter. I was breastfeeding and my friend was happy for me to take the baby. I bought a lovely dress that was suitable for feeding and I took her out of the reception when she became fussy.
I left my other children at home, I understand the no children policy but think this rule differs for babies, especially those who are breastfed. If your friend doesn’t understand this- I wouldn’t go. Good luck and try not to worry x

Overnightoats1 · 23/08/2023 22:24

I went to a wedding with my newborn at a similar age.. it's not impossible but you need a quiet space for someone you trust (your husband, mum, sister etc) to be with baby at the venue to you can pop back and forth within a couple of minutes if baby needs you. I'm really glad I didn't miss a close cousins wedding but it took them being understanding and giving me a quiet room at the venue for the sleepyhead , and a comfy sofa and tv for the babysitter.

FreshAirForwards · 23/08/2023 22:26

MyEyesMyThighs · 22/08/2023 12:12

Pass the buck a bit - tell her you spoke to the midwife about it and she has opened your eyes to how unlikely it is all the pieces will fall into place to allow you to attend without your husband and baby. You wish you could be there but unfortunately you know she'll have more important things to do nearer the time than make adjustments for you depending on how the birth and breastfeeding are going. Therefore you are not going to be able to come, but you are still excited to hear all about the planning and make sure they take as many pictures as possible...

This. 100%.

Twentyfirstcenturymumma · 23/08/2023 23:22

FreshAirForwards · 23/08/2023 22:26

This. 100%.

Show quote history

Absolutely this, yes. Plenty of midwives have probably responded to you on here anyway and mums explaining the reality mostly pretty kindly.

Good luck with the rest of tbe pregnancy and birth OP

Lemonandginger1 · 24/08/2023 07:09

Hen, you need to tell her that a baby will probably have to come with you to the wedding. I know you don't want to cause any drama and this wedding means a lot to you and your friend, but you will have another beautiful baby to look after.

Maybe you can go to the ceremony and meal, or ceremony and then come back for some of the evening to have a wee dance and celebrate with your friend. But, ultimately, if it's too much to be away the whole day, I think your friend is asking too much of you. If she's not understanding of your situation then that's on her, not you.

Lemonandginger1 · 24/08/2023 07:17

For logistics, is there a cafe or something bear the venue? You could meet your husband there for a bit between timings in the day. Or think about exclusively expressing just for that 24 hours so that your husband can be fully with baby and he/she is gonna be fed then that's a worry off of your shoulders. Either way, treat yourself to some good, portable pumps and pads cos you'll need to express anyway. Good luck, I hope these might be a couple of the practical tips you're looking for

Sueveneers · 24/08/2023 08:23

Even though he can't attend the wedding, your husband can still come along and stay at a hotel and mind the baby.

I don't agree with this 'babes in arms' bs. Babies scream and cry. They are louder than toddlers. And people say you can take them out when they start screaming, but the damage is done at that point, they've already interrupted the ceremony. There should be absolutely no babies, no matter what. Your friend is simply being sensible. Some things are not for babies, especially babes in arms that scream and cry, and that includes weddings. It's sad for the mum of the baby, but that's just the way it is. It is what it is.

amccabe15 · 24/08/2023 08:28

If it’s that big, why isn’t your husband invited? And if she’s your best friend, why isn’t your husband invited? Once your baby’s born you’ll lose touch, so just do it now.

Kayos10 · 24/08/2023 09:02

It's freaky how similar this is to a situation I was in several years ago.

She was also my best friend and my baby would have been 8 weeks by her wedding day which she planned for new years eve and wanted me to be a bridesmaid fir. It was a no child wedding with the exception of hers and her sisters children. At first I said I'd go without baby but the closer it got the more I didn't think I'd be comfortable leaving baby with anybody (husband was invited too so baby would have had to be left with a family member). When I told my friend my feelings she extended the invitation to the baby but then retracted that a couple of weeks later saying she felt I'd pushed her into it. I then said I'd go for the day but hubby would stay home with baby. She wasn't happy with this as she wanted me to see the new year in with her with sparklers etc, stay at the hotel and be there for the morning breakfast etc. I wasn't happy to leave hubby and 8 week old baby for 24 hrs over new year at all and we reached a stalemate which left us not talking for several weeks during which time my mum passed away (I'm 7 months pregnant at this stage). I received a text from her with condolences etc and this hurt so much, my so called best friend sent me a text when my mum died!! At this point I decided to end our friendship and we haven't spoken since. That was 8 years ago. I often question if I was in the wrong here as I did miss her incredibly the first few years but what's done is done.