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Original poster

Attending a wedding 6 weeks after a birth

265 replies

Mfo · 22/08/2023 08:30

Hi,

My very best friend is getting married next year and by the date of the wedding I will likely have a 6 week old baby (younger if I go past due date!). My friend is not at all big on babies, the invite went out before I was pregnant and it is definitely a no child wedding. This wedding is so important to her, it'll be big and detailed and she's my best friend so I want to be there for her (in some capacity). My husband is also not invited. The wedding itself is taking place about 2.5 hours away from where I live so it's an overnight situation. My original plan was for myself, husband and baby to find accommodation as nearby as possible, husband to have baby for the day and for me to drive back and forth throughout the day, every couple of hours or so. The closer I get to due date the more naive this plan feels. I will be breastfeeding and this baby is not going to wait for a convenient time to be fed. I absolutely do not know what to do. Any suggestions? Do I ask if I can just bring baby with me (and try and manage without husband) but knowing this possibly puts her in an awkward position where she feels she has to say yes and then it's not her dream wedding? Do I not go, but know she won't fully understand this as she's got no awareness or interest in babies and possibly upset her? What alternatives are there?

OP posts:

Snugglemonkey · 22/08/2023 10:43

Honestly, I would not go. It is just too annoying to manage with a baby that small to me.

SunRainStorm · 22/08/2023 10:52

This is insanity.

If you've had a C-section you might not even be able to drive at that point.

4-6 week old babies don't feed on a schedule, and it's frankly cruel to expect them to wait for their mother to drive back from an event to feed them.

Your friend is, kindly, being a silly cow about her wedding.

Tell her it won't be possible for you to attend without the baby, if she won't accommodate a baby that tiny then she's ridiculous and you should stay home.

CurlewKate · 22/08/2023 11:04

You have no idea how you will feel-I really don't think you should agree to be in the wedding party unless your friend is prepared to help-certainly by letting your dp come! It's ridiculous that she won't. My friend and I both went to a wedding 6 weeks post partum- one of us was dancing, the other could barely stand up!

Mynewnameis · 22/08/2023 11:07

I'd pull out now

CrotchetyQuaver · 22/08/2023 11:26

Good grief, she doesn't sound like much of a friend to me let alone a "very best" one.
Sack her off now, you simply can't make any plans until much nearer the date and baby's been born and you know how you are. If she can't accept that then she's a very selfish woman. But this not inviting your DH/OH and expecting you to cope all on your own (impossible I would say, and I did attend a very smart wedding 6 weeks after a C section and was BF so know what I'm talking about) frankly beggars belief. she's not supportive of you the same way you are of her.

MyEyesMyThighs · 22/08/2023 12:12

Pass the buck a bit - tell her you spoke to the midwife about it and she has opened your eyes to how unlikely it is all the pieces will fall into place to allow you to attend without your husband and baby. You wish you could be there but unfortunately you know she'll have more important things to do nearer the time than make adjustments for you depending on how the birth and breastfeeding are going. Therefore you are not going to be able to come, but you are still excited to hear all about the planning and make sure they take as many pictures as possible...

Jk987 · 22/08/2023 12:57

Are you sure your friend is this unsympathetic? Even child free weddings normally allow for tiny newborns. She's your best friend so she should understand and not think the worst. It sounds like you need to go out for a coffee with her and gave a chat.

peachgreen · 22/08/2023 13:27

I think it's very unlikely you'll be able to go if you're breastfeeding, unless your husband stays nearby and you can nip out to feed. Tbh though I find it very odd that your husband isn't invited to your best friend's wedding?

MillWood85 · 22/08/2023 13:32

With a breastfed baby that age, you could be going 45 minutes between feeds if they're having a growth spurt - there's no way you could attend a wedding without them.

It's better to say no now than at the last minute. She's not thinking about you, just herself. It's perfectly OK for you to do the same.

Ladyvgc · 22/08/2023 20:31

I just find it super odd that your husband isn’t invited! If your marriage and husband isn’t important to her, then why is her big wedding important to you?

FTM2B1 · 22/08/2023 20:42

She doesn't sound like a very good friend. First off, your husband wasn't invited, and she's also expecting you to leave your 6 week old baby?

And a 2.5 hour drive. With such a young baby you'll need to stop every 30 minutes for at least 15 minutes to take baby out the seat, so that's one hell of a journey.

If it were me, I wouldn't go. I had to drop Our of being a bridesmaid for my "best" friend for similar reasons. She was a bit upset initially but once I explained all the hoops I'd have to jump through to be there she understood and things were fine.

If your friend is any kind of friend she will also understand. Don't burst the newborn bundle and out yourself through all that, I don't think you'll find it enjoyable and the bride will still be able to have a lovely day.

All the best when baby comes. Be selfish,suit yourself and enjoy!

MeridaBrave · 22/08/2023 21:08

I think it only works if;
-you go with baby and DH
-you can stay in or near the venue
-if your baby is asleep in pram you can have them with you at the table
from what you have said it doesn’t sound possible

I’d say to her that on balance you realise that it’s not possible to come to the wedding without your baby as you’ll be breastfeeding and even then it won’t be manageable to look after a newborn without your your DH. And you can’t come on own as can’t leave a breastfed baby that long.

Therefore you are sorry but you’ll have to decline the invite, and you are sure that given the circs of the invite (no DH and no baby) it’s just not viable

HeyThere111 · 22/08/2023 21:09

Going to throw out a possibly unpopular opinion as I feel like I've been in your friends position...

When I was getting married one of my best friends found out she was pregnant and had a 6 week old baby. She was BF. She was happy to come to the wedding and had expressed with previous children so wasn't worried about doing so. But she asked if she could have baby dropped off for the evening do. I said no. Maybe that makes me harsh but at the time I wasn't a baby person at all. I also had a lot of friends at the wedding who's children and babies hadn't been invited and I didn't really see how it was fair to allow some but not others. Ultimately, I felt if the baby joined her she would be totally distracted anyway and I was just glad she was able to be there for the important part; us getting married. The party is just a party.
Having been in her position and knowing how hard it is to be asked because I did feel horrid saying no.... I would say don't ask her to take baby. I do find it odd your husband isn't invited so do question how close you are. I'd suggest having a chat with her, ask if you can go and see her get married but explain the reality of not being able to be away the whole day dashing back and forth. You can't really make her mad by offering to compromise and if she felt comfortable with baby joining she will make the offer.

MeridaBrave · 22/08/2023 21:10

FTM2B1 · 22/08/2023 20:42

She doesn't sound like a very good friend. First off, your husband wasn't invited, and she's also expecting you to leave your 6 week old baby?

And a 2.5 hour drive. With such a young baby you'll need to stop every 30 minutes for at least 15 minutes to take baby out the seat, so that's one hell of a journey.

All the best when baby comes. Be selfish,suit yourself and enjoy!

Why have to stop every 30 mins? I agree could be too far in one go but two chunks of 1:15 with a feed in middle should be ok.

JST88 · 22/08/2023 21:13

I’m a breastfeeding mum and there is literally zero chance of this plan working. Babies this age also shouldn’t be away from their mum if it can be helped. If one newborn baby being present ruins her wedding then that says a lot about the wedding, I’d go with baby or not at all. I’ve learned that being a parent means you do what’s right for your kids regardless of who that offends, you’ll be happiest and so will baby, any friend that can’t understand that isn’t a friend you’ll likely want keep for long after the baby arrives.

JST88 · 22/08/2023 21:15

Also! You’re underestimating how you may feel after having the baby, 4 weeks sounds like a long time but 4 weeks post partum is honestly nothing, I’d have thought the same as you before kids but honestly you likely won’t feel up to the wedding x

NotTheSlugandLettuce · 22/08/2023 21:16

I was advised by MN not to go to a wedding postpartum and it really was the very best advice

Werewolfnotswearwolf · 22/08/2023 21:16

Six weeks post partum and breastfeeding you’ll want to be snuggled on the sofa all evening eating, feeding and watching TV. Depending on the birth you will probably still be a bit sore, might even still be bleeding, you won’t have had much sleep or be keeping normal day/night routines and (for me anyway!) the thought of having to dress up my new postpartum still-recovering body and spending a whole day and night with people and without my baby would have made me cry.

BUT we’re all different and I’m sure there are plenty of women who feel fab by that point and are more than up for it. You just won’t know.

I agree that your friend seems to have not really considered you at all in this situation and that you absolutely wouldn’t be unreasonable to back out. You must put you and your new baby first and feel absolutely no guilt if that’s what you decide.

foolishone · 22/08/2023 21:17

@MeridaBrave isn't the advice for tiny babies to not spend more than 30 minutes in a car seat unless they're lay flat ones.

GlitteryGreen · 22/08/2023 21:17

I wouldn't go.

It would be different if you could attend with your baby and husband, but tbh even then it totally depends what your baby is like. At 6 weeks my breastfed cried almost constantly unless asleep or being fed, trying to navigate a wedding would have been so stressful. There was no way I could have left her with her dad for the day either, even with me dropping in and out, she'd have been massively stressed as well.

I also agree that this friend is not a good friend if she hadn't even invited your husband before she even knew about the baby. I wouldn't put myself out to attend her wedding, let her have her childfree dream and save yourself the worry.

mrssunshinexxx · 22/08/2023 21:17

You can't be sure you'll be BF yet but there's no way I would of left my 6 week old baby either time for more than 5 mins !

AxolotlEars · 22/08/2023 21:21

I went to a big family event about three weeks after a section, two and a half hours away BUT she was my third and my husband was there. Not a chance I would have done it without my baby. The thing I learnt about these things is I will give many things a try with small babies but when it isn't working I work out what would be best for me and my baby/children and do it. I would ask the bride about her expectations of your invitation. I personally wouldn't go without my baby. Even if that's all agreed and the arrangements looked positive, if I wasn't up to it on the day I would pull out

foolishone · 22/08/2023 21:22

I'm usually very supportive of people inviting who they want to weddings. I've been to weddings without my partner if they didn't know him.

Not inviting the husband of one of your best friends is awful though. I can't imagine ever doing that and would bet the bride actually doesn't care as much about the OP.

I'd say now I wasn't going or just go to the ceremony if really wanting to see her get married.

Sensibletrousers · 22/08/2023 21:26

I took my BF 6 week old to a wedding 3 hours away, but my DH was with us (if she’s your best mate why on earth is your DH not invited?!). I was worried as he was a particularly fussy and unsettled baby, but I still remember that day 14 years ago as he was silent and slept the whole entire day, not a peep out of him, even when we were eating!

You have two options in my opinion: either all three of you go, it’ll be a babe in arms and probably v quiet if you hold them all day, or none of you go. Your friend is not a good friend if she begrudges either - it’s her choice who she invites of course but there will be consequences to her choices, like you declining the invite entirely (which you’d be perfectly reasonable to do).

Samlewis96 · 22/08/2023 21:29

foolishone · 22/08/2023 21:17

@MeridaBrave isn't the advice for tiny babies to not spend more than 30 minutes in a car seat unless they're lay flat ones.

Since when is this? Used to be 2 hours

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