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Original poster

Attending a wedding 6 weeks after a birth

265 replies

Mfo · 22/08/2023 08:30

Hi,

My very best friend is getting married next year and by the date of the wedding I will likely have a 6 week old baby (younger if I go past due date!). My friend is not at all big on babies, the invite went out before I was pregnant and it is definitely a no child wedding. This wedding is so important to her, it'll be big and detailed and she's my best friend so I want to be there for her (in some capacity). My husband is also not invited. The wedding itself is taking place about 2.5 hours away from where I live so it's an overnight situation. My original plan was for myself, husband and baby to find accommodation as nearby as possible, husband to have baby for the day and for me to drive back and forth throughout the day, every couple of hours or so. The closer I get to due date the more naive this plan feels. I will be breastfeeding and this baby is not going to wait for a convenient time to be fed. I absolutely do not know what to do. Any suggestions? Do I ask if I can just bring baby with me (and try and manage without husband) but knowing this possibly puts her in an awkward position where she feels she has to say yes and then it's not her dream wedding? Do I not go, but know she won't fully understand this as she's got no awareness or interest in babies and possibly upset her? What alternatives are there?

OP posts:
HarLace1 · 22/08/2023 21:29

If you plan on breastfeeding I can tell you now having done it 3 times, that at 6 weeks you probably won't be able to get away with more that 2 hours (if you're lucky) without the baby needing a feed. Bottle feeding is definitely going to be doable in this situation, but again, baby may want you and may cry for you. Personally I think she either lets husband and baby come or you can't go at all, depends how important you are to her!

Sunandsea26 · 22/08/2023 21:29

Why isn’t your husband invited if she is your very best friend? I find that quite strange.

you’ll need baby to be with you and for husband to be there to hold baby.
if she won’t accommodate those, I wouldn’t be going.

SlashBeef · 22/08/2023 21:31

Your very best friend didn't invite your husband to her wedding?? Baby aside, I wouldn't be attending for that reason alone.

applesandmares · 22/08/2023 21:38

Book a night away nearby and attend for the ceremony only, then enjoy the rest of the time with your baby and husband?

GorgonzolaSouffle · 22/08/2023 21:38

Unless your husband was previously married or engaged to this bridezilla, I can’t think of a reason why your BEST FRIEND wouldn’t invite your HUSBAND to her wedding.

JUST SAY NO.

Bluebellsbells · 22/08/2023 21:38

I attended a wedding a week post partum and my own wedding 3 weeks after I had my son.

This is what made it work-
My husband was there to help me, fetch drinks, cushions, drive, look after baby if I needed it.

The first wedding had an outside area so I could stay there with baby as evening and dinner very noisy.

I was right next to the door so could make a quick exit

Couldn't sit for long periods it was a buffet style lunch which helped with that.

At my wedding I had a room I could go to if I needed a break, was in pain, needed to sort the baby out.

Husband did all the fetching and carrying.

My wedding was in a barn so lots of outdoor space to allow my baby to be out of the noise.

My husband's help was utterly essential.

You don't have any of this. I can't believe your best friend didn't invite your husband!!! For me it would be 'thank you for the invite but I can't work with the parameters you have set'

FlamingoQueen · 22/08/2023 21:39

You also don’t know how you will feel after the birth - you may have a c-section. If your dh isn’t invited then I just wouldn’t go. She cannot be much of a friend.

Sotiredmjmmy · 22/08/2023 21:40

I’ve done this at similar ages with 2 babies, both csections. First time nice to have husband for moral support but generally completely fine, baby close to me/attached all day and would have coped ok on my own but maybe gone home earlier in evening. Second time round could have managed with baby on my own without husband there but not sure I would have wanted to.

Just be aware that mums 6 weeks in vary a lot! Some are starting to feel ok and others really are not, some would be comfortable at a wedding and others a mess and it all just be too much, you don’t know which camp you will be in and may need to decide last minute.

There must be a reason your husband isn’t invited and you are ok with that otherwise can’t see how it would have got to this stage. My view would be she either agrees to baby coming with you, baby stays with you the whole day, husband staying somewhere nearby, or if she says no to baby then you simply do not go and it 100% wouldn’t be you being unreasonable in that scenario.

C8H10N4O2 · 22/08/2023 21:40

Give it a miss. If you can't take the baby at that age its difficult anyway especially if breastfeeding. If the baby is late or a c-section more so. If she is that rigid in the "no child" rule then her fantasy wedding is more important than the people attending.

I went to an important family event just five weeks after one of mine was born. However it wasn't my first, we were all invited and everyone knew the circumstances and actively tried to help us because they wanted us there. The people and the celebration were the focus, not the disney effect.

MimiSunshine · 22/08/2023 21:41

I attended a wedding 4 weeks post partum. It was a great day but getting ready, getting the baby ready plus fed was stressful.

they’re also a lot like handbags at that age, they are basically always being carried, you can’t really put them down anywhere not in close proximity to you and you can only ask someone you really trust to keep an eye on it for you.
oh and thinking you’ll drive back and forth for feeds is as ludicrous an idea as thinking you’ll drive back and forth for your purse when you want a drink.

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 22/08/2023 21:43

She’s not your best friend if she isn’t inviting your husband.

Don’t go. You’ll be miserable. And uncomfortable.

babyproblems · 22/08/2023 21:43

Agree she’s a crap friend for not allowing your very young baby and your DH to attend!!!
I agree that 6 weeks pp will be tough and I’d be asking her if DH and baby can attend so you’ll be able to manage it. It’s a bit insane to leave your DH nearby and ferry back and forwards. Don’t do that you’ll just end up resenting the whole thing!!! X

ImABox · 22/08/2023 21:44

You’re not her best friend if she’s not invited your DH to the wedding, unless it’s like only 20 people or something.

If you do go, youre thinking about it all wrong. Stay at the venue and you can nip to the room to feed of baby and DH isn’t welcome or DH drives baby to the venue every few hours.

Lavender14 · 22/08/2023 21:44

If you're planning on breastfeeding the first few months are the most intense. There were some days ds fed for over 10 hrs on and off. They're still building your supply, learning to feed and building their weight gain. I found it hard feeding in public still by that point with an oversupply and ds had a tongue tie so at times it was very hard for him to latch. If for any reason you have a section you'd not be able to drive for 6 weeks either. I think you speak to your friend, say you'd love to be there and you really want to celebrate her on her special day but realistically you won't know how much you've recovered or how feeding etc would be going and it wouldn't be practical for you to leave such a tiny new baby for a full day and you might need your dh there for help with lifting etc if you have a section. If you're really keen, you could rent accommodation nearby and you just go to the wedding for an hour or two? I had ds near Xmas and my family are 2 hrs away. I was determined to make the journey but as the time came closer there was no way I'd have been up to it.

Presumably your friend needs rsvps and a definite number so I'd decline for now and ask if you feel up to it at the time could you join in the evening with dh and baby for a few hours.

You could arrange for a gift basket to be left in the hotel with a letter for her? Send her a video of you and dh and baby wishing them well on the day. Arrange for bubbly at the hairdressers the morning of. If she's a true friend she will be disappointed but understand.

ImABox · 22/08/2023 21:45

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 22/08/2023 21:43

She’s not your best friend if she isn’t inviting your husband.

Don’t go. You’ll be miserable. And uncomfortable.

Ha posted at the same time! This

IWillNoLie · 22/08/2023 21:45

Book into a nice hotel with your DH and baby nearby. Go to the ceremony. Then meet up with DH and baby for a few hours before popping back for an hour or so in the evening. Return to hotel with DH and baby and enjoy the rest of the weekend as a family unit.

Springbaby2023 · 22/08/2023 21:45

Surely a newborn baby is an exception to the no child rule??! They’re not exactly going to cause any hassle. I’d tell her simply you’d love to go but won’t be able to without the baby.

Bunnycat101 · 22/08/2023 21:45

I was initially going to say it’ll be fine not expecting that the baby and your husband were not going!

I did a wedding with a 4 week old. The baby was a bit early so it made it doable. At 2 weeks I wouldn’t have been in a fit state to have done it quite frankly- I was still a mess and in pain. I don’t think I’d have done it without my husband or baby being there. I wouldn’t have been comfortable leaving her at that age and by then we were bottle feeding so didn’t have the challenge of breast feeding.

You also have to think about the car journey. That was the first long one we’d done with a baby and what should have been 2 hours was closer to 4 because of the need to stop and have a break, feed, dirty nappies etc. we also left pretty early as we were all knackered. The wedding we went to was super child friendly and chilled - not mega formal so it felt quite nice. A super formal one would have been harder work.

amispeakingintongues · 22/08/2023 21:46

JST88 · 22/08/2023 21:13

I’m a breastfeeding mum and there is literally zero chance of this plan working. Babies this age also shouldn’t be away from their mum if it can be helped. If one newborn baby being present ruins her wedding then that says a lot about the wedding, I’d go with baby or not at all. I’ve learned that being a parent means you do what’s right for your kids regardless of who that offends, you’ll be happiest and so will baby, any friend that can’t understand that isn’t a friend you’ll likely want keep for long after the baby arrives.

All of this.

ohdamnitjanet · 22/08/2023 21:47

Hell no. Not in a million years would I go to wedding where my husband and newborn weren’t wanted, that’s just insulting. Some friend. Who wants to go to a wedding alone anyway? Weddings must be the most overrated thing on the planet.

Ellie1015 · 22/08/2023 21:49

It isn't practical. I would say to friend "i have been thinking about practicalities and i wont be able to leave baby at 4-6 weeks. Have an amazing day, lets catch up afterwards to hear all about it"

She may turn round and say bring baby but you havent put her in position of having to say no.

donkra · 22/08/2023 21:51

When I thought you could take the baby and it was close by I was about to say this might be doable. I was fine at 6wpp both times. But this is a stupid unworkable plan. You can't go and it's a ridiculous unreasonable ask.

If there is anything to your friendship it'll survive you - unavoidably - missing the wedding.

Mangotango39 · 22/08/2023 21:54

I have a wedding a similar timeframe after my baby is due. My friend has bent over backwards for me tbh.

we have a room booked even though it's only 30 minutes away.

Baby is allowed even though no kids. husband is coming aswell as two close friends I know will give me a hand.

no way would I go without baby!

ignor3 · 22/08/2023 21:55

This is wild. And if your best friend isn’t making sure her very newly post partum best friend is accommodated at her wedding, then she is no best friend regardless of whether she’s into kids or not.

Please don’t stress yourself over this person. Your priorities are about to change hugely and you’ll hopefully see you’ve been far too accommodating of this ‘friend’ for too long.

Northernsoul72 · 22/08/2023 21:57

I had to decline a wedding of a really good friend when it was strictly no children and I had a tiny baby. It wasn't the end of the world. We both felt a bit disappointed but understood our mutual decisions. That small baby is 14 now and we are still really good friends. I think you may have to decline if there is no flexibility on her part.