Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Original poster

Attending a wedding 6 weeks after a birth

265 replies

Mfo · 22/08/2023 08:30

Hi,

My very best friend is getting married next year and by the date of the wedding I will likely have a 6 week old baby (younger if I go past due date!). My friend is not at all big on babies, the invite went out before I was pregnant and it is definitely a no child wedding. This wedding is so important to her, it'll be big and detailed and she's my best friend so I want to be there for her (in some capacity). My husband is also not invited. The wedding itself is taking place about 2.5 hours away from where I live so it's an overnight situation. My original plan was for myself, husband and baby to find accommodation as nearby as possible, husband to have baby for the day and for me to drive back and forth throughout the day, every couple of hours or so. The closer I get to due date the more naive this plan feels. I will be breastfeeding and this baby is not going to wait for a convenient time to be fed. I absolutely do not know what to do. Any suggestions? Do I ask if I can just bring baby with me (and try and manage without husband) but knowing this possibly puts her in an awkward position where she feels she has to say yes and then it's not her dream wedding? Do I not go, but know she won't fully understand this as she's got no awareness or interest in babies and possibly upset her? What alternatives are there?

OP posts:
foolishone · 22/08/2023 22:00

@Samlewis96 sure I read 30 mins for babies under 6 weeks.

ihadamarveloustime · 22/08/2023 22:00

Your 'very best friend' didn't invite your husband?

And you were still planning to go?

WTF?

Why are you falling all over yourself trying to attend this inconvenient event when you will have a very little newborn at the time, and your husband isn't welcome and you know your newborn won't be. Why????

Stef8 · 22/08/2023 22:01

Ah OP, I wouldn’t even entertain the thought of going if I were you. A few months ago, the very night we were due to be in a close friend’s wedding, our newborn (who was actually older than your baby will be) was screaming for hours with colic. We actually said how relieved we were we said no in our rsvp. I think if we had actually gone, I’d have been in the hotel room all day. There are just far too many unknowns I think personally.

Viviennemary · 22/08/2023 22:01

You say you can attend the wedding with the family. If baby can't go neither can you,

diamondpony80 · 22/08/2023 22:01

Gosh no, what kind of best friend would not invite your husband? That’s just weird? And knowing you’ve just given birth any good friend would make an exception for a newborn. It’s not like it’s going to be a kid running round causing mischief, baby will probably be asleep most of the time!

Greeneyegirl · 22/08/2023 22:02

That's bad, my friend had her five week old at our no child wedding. I made clear the no child rule didn't apply to her on the boob baby. Her husband took him for a walk in his pram during the ceremony (she was more worried about baby then I was of baby because we married in a big echoing church with lots of hymns and she worried he wouldn't like it) . I can't day I noticed him there all day

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 22/08/2023 22:02

Also. It’s not ideal a baby wing in a car seat for that long at that age. Ok not life or death but certainly not advised

MrsJBaptiste · 22/08/2023 22:03

foolishone · 22/08/2023 21:17

@MeridaBrave isn't the advice for tiny babies to not spend more than 30 minutes in a car seat unless they're lay flat ones.

30 minutes! You'd never get anywhere 😆

We did some long distances when DS was a baby, e.g. Leeds to Bristol and just stopped once for a feed and nappy change along the way. He's a strapping 6 footer now although drives the car now rather than sleeping quietly in the back!

MsRosley · 22/08/2023 22:03

modgepodge · 22/08/2023 09:05

If it were me, and it was a close friend, I’d lay my cards on the table now.

’if I’m honest, I don’t think I will be able to make the wedding. I will be hopefully breastfeeding so won’t be able to leave the baby for the day. I won’t be able to bring the baby by myself as it will be too much as I won’t be able to focus on you and your day. I also may not be able to drive. Unfortunately, without husband and baby coming too I won’t be able to make it.’

then the ball is in her court. I think most people would say they could come, if she really wants you there.

for what it’s worth, I think people who haven’t had children often don’t realise what the first few weeks can be like. I did go to a friends wedding with a 6 week old, but husband was there and so was my baby, absolutely no way I’d have gone without either of them! Baby spent the evening cluster feeding and I was sat on a sofa, thankfully various people came and had a chat throughout the evening so I wasn’t lonely!

Agree. You need to give her a choice - either the three of you go, or none of you do.

Stef8 · 22/08/2023 22:04

Oh and yes - cluster feeding might mean you spend a lot of the day feeding. Mine was fussy at the breast at this age constantly unlatching and noisily fighting against it and I wasn’t confident to grapple with this while trying to have a nice catch up with mutual friends at a wedding.

We invited kids to ours and some of our friends with babies and toddlers looked frazzled and didn’t have as nice a day as we hoped they would.

Clairebairn · 22/08/2023 22:04

This is a really difficult situation. As others have said, if you have an emergency C section then you’re not allowed to drive for 6 weeks. I had 3 C sections and felt well able to drive before that but they won’t insure you. I think you need to sit down with your friend and just explain that much as you want to be there to support her, it is impossible to do that without bringing your baby. You’re a really good friend to have considered ways that you could accommodate the baby and your husband not being invited but your friend needs to realise that you have needs too! Tell her what you need and let her decide.

WandaWonder · 22/08/2023 22:06

I have no issue with partners not being invited I am not joined at the hip to my husband but the wedding sounds too complicated to be fun

Freepo · 22/08/2023 22:07

Personally I wouldn’t even ask if your husband and baby can go. Just decline. You won’t want to go and don’t make that kind of effort for someone who clearly isn’t that arsed about you being there.

I am generally very sympathetic to not wanting babies at weddings but if she is literally your best friend, and assuming there aren’t 8 other babies she would then have to invite as well, I’m surprised she hasn’t made an exception. But regardless of the baby, I cannot believe she didn’t invite your husband.

Just sack it off.

albalass · 22/08/2023 22:07

DatumTarum · 22/08/2023 09:24

You can barely leave a BF baby at this age for an hour.

This is physically impossible. You need to tell your BF this.

I was going to say exactly this - my baby fed constantly at this age. Could barely have a shower never mind go to a wedding!!

Stressed2023 · 22/08/2023 22:07

Why isn’t your husband invited? Were you married when she planned this? Regardless of the baby she doesn’t sound much of a friend

VaccineSticker · 22/08/2023 22:08

It is very offensive that she hasn’t invited your partner baby or no baby.

I attended my sibling’s wedding when my LO was 3/4m old and that was a real pain I won’t lie. If it wasn’t immediate family I wouldn’t have attended.

But why didn’t she invite your partner?!!

SJM1988 · 22/08/2023 22:12

I think it depends on a couple of things and you cant really decide until you have spoke to the bride. I think you need to discuss it with her first and understand what she is willing to compromise on. You may find she finds it more important you are there than having a baby free wedding and let you bring the baby. If its more important amshe have a baby free wedding then maybe you need to tell her you might not be there. You also need to consider at 6 weeks post baby, you may not have recovered enough to go physically. Does she neee a definite yes or now now? At 6 weeks you cant really leave a breast fed baby either as they feed on demand.

For what it is worth I attended a wedding at 3 weeks post partum but breastfeeding didnt work for me so by 3 weeks I was bottle feeding. I was able to leave the baby with a close family member for a few hours to attend. It was a strict no babies (even the brides nephew was a no who was 6 months). We made it very clear to the couple I wouldnt know if I could attend until the day before. They were happy with having an open invite for me and deciding the day before. My husband was in the grooms party so he would have been going anyway. Be open and honest with the bride and you never know what she might change or agree to.

LittleCoffeePot · 22/08/2023 22:14

I attended a family wedding 5 weeks post-partum with baby in a sling and it was fine, baby bf'd and slept the whole time and generally got adored by the other guests. If it was anyone other than family, I doubt I'd have bothered.

Even if you feel fine leaving the baby so young, 5-6 weeks post-partum is rough. Weird body shape, leaky boobs, sleep-deprived etc.

Hoppyhops · 22/08/2023 22:18

I had my son in June and was Maid of Honour for my best friend 3 weeks later, my baby was not invited to the wedding, 2 hours away. DH was invited and is also a good friend of the bride so wanted to attend. It was hard but I left him with my parents overnight- I wouldn’t have done for any other reason as he was so tiny but it worked Unit completely fine. They stayed at our house so he wasn’t too unsettled and we actually enjoyed ourselves (and the night’s sleep!) I was lucky as I recovered well but don’t think I could have done it if I’d had a C Section. I’m also FF so it was much easier/ more practical to leave him. Do you think you’d be able to express so DH could take over feeding while you’re at the wedding? If not, maybe you could all go and you just attend the ceremony part, with DH and baby waiting nearby?

It depends how much you really want to be there tbh.

People will tell you that it can’t/shouldn’t be done etc., but I’m so glad I got to have that day after all the exhaustion and difficulty of the first few weeks!

Astrabees · 22/08/2023 22:19

I was back at work full time when mine were 6 weeks old, and very pleased to be out of the house. Take your husband and baby to stay close by and have some fun!

hot2trotter · 22/08/2023 22:25

Why are you tip toeing around trying to please your ‘friend’ when she clearly doesn’t give a toss about the most important thing to you - your baby (and your uninvited husband for that matter). There is no way on earth I would even think about going - not just for the practicalities, but for the fact my little family comes first - always.

Kazzybingbong · 22/08/2023 22:27

No, no and no. Your baby is still practically attached to you at 6 weeks and unless you’re completely happy to leave baby with dad and know you won’t worry, then going isn’t a realistic option.

I find it crazy that your husband and brand new baby aren’t welcome. How does she expect your baby to eat if you’re breastfeeding and attending?

6 weeks after having my baby, if someone said I had to go to a wedding without my baby, I’d have run them over in my car.

You also have no idea what your physical recovery might be like. I had a completely unexpected bleed a few weeks after giving birth and I had retained placenta.

I think the best thing to do is to decline the invitation and if she gets all bridezilla, then she’s not a true friend

Hollyppp · 22/08/2023 22:28

I have a 3 week old (dc2) and sometimes baby is feeding every hour!

I get wanting to attend but it might be sooooo much hassle and stress

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/08/2023 22:28

In this situation you need to plan for the worst and hope for the best. I went 2 weeks over with all but one of mine. Its quite possible that you could be 4 weeks post C section, in which case you may not be able to drive (unless they have changed the rules in recent years? I know it used to be 6 weeks) and probably wont be feeling physically up to the travel and then the wedding.

Taking all of that into account I would thank her for the invitation and not go. Frankly, I agree that she doesnt sound like much of a best friend if her perfect detailed day is more important than her best friend having just given birth.

Ghostgirl77 · 22/08/2023 22:28

I wouldn’t have wanted to go at 6 weeks.

My baby was cluster feeding, my hormones were everywhere, my body was a mess and I was doing well if I managed to make it out of the house before midday.