If one side paid for your wedding, did they pay for everyone?

[User09876543217]

Im planning a wedding, my DP is an only child and his parents are very excited and want us to have a huge wedding.

We started looking at places and MIL found an incredible but very expensive place. We agreed on numbers and most details, let MIL know how much the deposit is and she transferred half the amount. DP asked about other half and MIL assumed my parents were covered the other half. They are not. I said that information would have been useful at the beginning, but she assured us this is how it is in most families. We will work it out, it’s not an argument but I just wanted to know others have sorted this.
Thanks.

but I just wanted to know others have sorted this.

Paid for it ourselves.

At least you haven't paid any deposit yet!

PIL paid for the meal for everybody. They did not choose the venue nor stipulate how many guests we could have. In fairness the guests were 3/4 or more from Dh side as he has a huge family.

We did initially plan to pay for it ourselves, but we didn’t want to spend heaps.

Am very glad we didn’t transfer the deposit.

Did they say they wanted to pay for the wedding? I mean they're not actually "paying for the wedding" if they're not covering it all, they're "contributing". That's totally fine and also generous, but not the same.

We paid for our wedding (60 guests). It sounds nice to have someone else pay but after years of reading Mumsnet wedding threads, I've come to the conclusion it's a minefield, unless you have no strong ideas on what you want. Once someone pays for something, they want something. It can be a say in colours, guests, location, a type of flower, food..anything. And the people who get extra excited and want a big wedding, well, nice, but it's not their wedding.

It's also a bit much to want a big wedding and then expect the couple of inlaws to stump up the rest. They really don't get to decide how other people spend their money/contribute to the wedding!

How about going back to your original plan, but having a specific thing they can pay for if they want to?

And while this may be a time when you don't want to rock the boat, you don't want to upset future inlaws etc, it's also important to draw boundaries. Honestly, how the wedding planning with family goes impacts the beginning of your marriage and can set the tone for years ahead. I don't mean being rude, but you and DP are the couple, it's your wedding and you shouldn't be agreeing to anything simply to not cause problems. You'll never get this time again. You can't expect to get a "do over" if/when any kids you have get married! 😉

So you expected someone else to spend heaps?!

Also it's irrelevant what other people's families have done. There's no right to any contribution from anyone.

You’ve dodged a bullet. Return their generous contribution and explain you want a small wedding. If they’d like to pay for a specific thing, then that would be v generous

It’s not clear from your post why you thought MIL would pay for everything.

Traditionally the bride’s parents pay. These days it’s more often the couple themselves, sometimes with help from parents. No right or wrong, just make sure everyone knows what’s what.

Your mother in law sounds like a passive aggressive arsehole.

Traditionally the brides family should foot the bill so if your MIL is a bit old fashioned I can see why she thought your parents would be contributing. She shouldn’t have assumed though and if she wants you to have a massive wedding then only paying half is a bit odd. It’s nice that she’s so excited for the wedding but be careful she doesn’t take over!

What is usual is that you decide how much your budget it and if either set of parents want to contribute they can and you agree how much.

Do not get tied into people having a say in it, not worth the money they give for them to be controlling things.

Did they offer to pay fort he whole wedding or did they offer to contribute? I don’t think it’s usual for one side to pay for the whole thing. Both sides contributed to ours, and we paid the largest amount ourselves.

My parents paid for the lion's share of my wedding, and they paid for everyone. My PILs and me and DH contributed too - by buying specific things rather than contributing a share of the main costs.

Your PILs can't choose the venue and the number of guests unless they're prepared to pay for it all.

Not at all if you actually read the OP

I paid 100% last year - brides mother
his parents gave them some cash for his suit and whatever

50% is not normal

in our circle brides parents pay

amongst their wider friends parents tended to give a donation of differing amounts and couple made up difference

never known grooms parents to pay to all unless hosting at their house

No. Read it again.

We got married decades ago. Wedding plans were discussed shortly after the engagement when the parents met. The cost was picked up between my grandparents (we used their house), mother, father and us.

Similarly, wedding plans were discussed when ds and dil got engaged last year. DILs parents and us split the venue, catering and booze equally. DIL and DS, and her parents, picked up the frills: frocks, flowers, cake, photos, etc.

Do people not talk about the budget at the very beginning?

This is really common now - basically a mess caused by changes in etiquette and people not understanding what has changed and what hasn't.

The biggest single change is that the bride's parents used to host the wedding and paid for the lot. As hosts, they invited people and set the guest list etc. Traditionally the groom paid for the honeymoon and his own outfit.

As people married later, and as weddings became a huge cash cow, it got more common for the couple to host and pay themselves, or for the groom's family to contribute large chunks.

It's now really common for the couple to host but for parents to still assume that they control the guest list despite the fact that they're only contributing. Few parents have really taken in that weddings can cost £30,000 if you go the full Brides magazine nonsense route.

You need to take charge. If you don't want to spend tens of thousands, you need to sit down with the parents and talk about what you consider to be a reasonable cost for one day and a party. And agree the guest list, and limit it hard.

She's a nightmare. Who dies that without saying? Very very rude to assume your parents can afford that without discussion and complete takes away any niceness from offering to pay / contribute as the offer was in fact a lie conditional on others too.

Tradition has it that the bride's parents pay for the whole thing. My parents did, although in laws bought the champagne toast.

But couple didn't really live together before marriage back then so it really was the beginning of a new life.

Fortunately, nowadays the couple themselves usually pay.

When we started wedding planning both told us how much cash they wanted to give us towards the wedding. We didn’t ask, it was a gift. We could have only spent that or added more to it. I think we added a little bit more but not much.

Neither side knew how much the other side had put in.

Neither side was involved in finding or choosing venues. We obviously took them round to show them once we’d decided and they came to the menu tasting with the caterer but that’s because we wanted them to!

There were no strings attached to the money either side gave us.

Exactly this.

Bride here. We as a couple paid for all initial (negligible) deposits. My parents then paid for the lot. DH/DH's side paid for the cake.

Traditionally brides parents pay. For many years now the couple usually pay for their own, possibly with a contribution from parents. What exactly was the discussion with ILs about paying? At some point there must have been one.