Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Original poster

If one side paid for your wedding, did they pay for everyone?

312 replies

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 04:55

Im planning a wedding, my DP is an only child and his parents are very excited and want us to have a huge wedding.

We started looking at places and MIL found an incredible but very expensive place. We agreed on numbers and most details, let MIL know how much the deposit is and she transferred half the amount. DP asked about other half and MIL assumed my parents were covered the other half. They are not. I said that information would have been useful at the beginning, but she assured us this is how it is in most families. We will work it out, it’s not an argument but I just wanted to know others have sorted this.
Thanks.

OP posts:
PinkIcedCream · 27/07/2023 13:53

Paid for everything wedding related ourselves. Wouldn’t dream of taking money off anyone else.

No idea who paid for DS’s wedding as it’s none of our business. We think that DIL’s parents might have paid something towards it, but have never asked. It was an overseas wedding and we paid for our own flights and hotel costs etc.

bonnyrascal · 27/07/2023 13:57

No idea about others but me and my husband paid for our wedding, save for my wedding dress which my parents paid for.

I never even thought about our families paying, always assumed we would pay.

I remember announcing our engagement to the in laws who immediately said they aren’t giving us any money for the wedding, before even congratulating us. Joyful!

McGonagallshatandglasses · 27/07/2023 14:05

We married young and both sets of parents were incredibly insistent that they invite their friends and family.

If we'd paid it would have had to be only close family (still around 50 people).

My in laws agreed to pay half but then kept putting in things like videographer which I had said we didn't need and then taking that amount from the reception cost. They ended up paying less than the original share we'd been lead to believe they would pay.

If we'd been older and either mother prepared to reduce their own guest list things would have been different.

There's no 'right' way to split wedding costs. Some communities have norms but even then there is always room for discretion.

If they want x number of guests and you are ok with them paying by the guest and having more than you/your parents then do that. Or just let them contribute to specific things that you can feel ok with.

I still think the video was unnecessary and had to learn not to be grumpy when our wedding is mentioned cause my parents ended up covering more than they should have.

Laiste · 27/07/2023 15:04

Out of interest - if only one or two of multiple siblings get married and receive big lump sums handed out to pay for their life choices weddings, do the siblings who stay single not feel a bit put out?

Genuine question. I'm an only so haven't the experience.

I'd be interested to know if the posters who paid for their own weddings are/were, on the whole, older than those who had it all paid for. In your 30s is it still expected your (possibly aged) parents will pay for these things?

Honestly to me it feels odd that parents paying for weddings is still a thing. Let alone the whole parents of the bride thing. Archaic !

We have 4 DDs. 3 of them in their 20s/30s. We haven't the money to give them all 3 figure cash hand outs for weddings and they're all well aware of it. They have our unconditional love and support every day of their lives, (and sometimes the odd small financial help out) but if they want expensive weddings they'll have to save up for them themselves.

Jumbojade · 27/07/2023 15:07

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 13:50

@Jumbojade would you have saved the same amount for a son?

I opened bank accounts for all my children, when they were little, putting away what I could afford each month, so each child (sons included) will get roughly the same amount of money.

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 15:17

@Jumbojade i hope you have saved for yourself too

AlleycatMarie · 27/07/2023 15:19

With mine we initially agreed that we would pay 1/3, in laws 1/3 and my parents 1/3. We set an amount. Then the cost went up massively and in laws bailed us out! I’m incredibly thankful to them.

FeetMetres · 27/07/2023 16:02

She really wants a huge white wedding

This is concerning. She wants? Also assuming that your parent's will match her 'generous' offer - that is unpleasant really.

I've been married twice and in both cases we paid for it. There was no mention at all of any contribution towards it from either set of parents on both occasions. In both cases the grooms parent's gave a gift of £1K but it wasn't really for the wedding - it was their wedding gift. My dad and step mum didn't give any money but gave us a wedding gift (c. £200 in value?).

I think that is the norm now. The parents state what they are willing to contribute (assume nothing if no mention) independently and the couple cut their cloth accordingly.

At least you know now that clear and thorough communication is going to be key going forward with MIL to avoid any misunderstandings.

FeetMetres · 27/07/2023 16:13

@Laiste I was 24 and ex DH was 26 for the first wedding, and I was 30 and DH was 34 for the second one. Our household income was definitely higher than our parents though in both cases though. I'm 50 now.

We've only got one DC and will contribute towards a wedding as a gift if and when the times comes. It will be a set amount. It may cover all of the wedding, the wedding twice over, 10%, 1/2th, 1/3rd - entirely up to them. If DC has siblings that didn't marry then they would definitely get the same amount of money at some other point given to them.

SerafinasGoose · 27/07/2023 17:15

FeetMetres · 27/07/2023 16:02

She really wants a huge white wedding

This is concerning. She wants? Also assuming that your parent's will match her 'generous' offer - that is unpleasant really.

I've been married twice and in both cases we paid for it. There was no mention at all of any contribution towards it from either set of parents on both occasions. In both cases the grooms parent's gave a gift of £1K but it wasn't really for the wedding - it was their wedding gift. My dad and step mum didn't give any money but gave us a wedding gift (c. £200 in value?).

I think that is the norm now. The parents state what they are willing to contribute (assume nothing if no mention) independently and the couple cut their cloth accordingly.

At least you know now that clear and thorough communication is going to be key going forward with MIL to avoid any misunderstandings.

Susan Forward's book Toxic In-Laws contains the story of Sarah and Devon and the wedding Devon's mother wanted for them - and tried to bully them into. It's a carbon copy of the scenario described in this thread. The case study describes what happened after that, and how they handled it as a couple.

Now you've returned the money, OP, you need to hold a firm line on this. If she gets her way on this occasion you can only imagine what will happen when you come to have kids.

RegentCafe · 27/07/2023 20:17

WoolyMammoth55 · 27/07/2023 12:09

From my POV this is really old fashioned!

When I got married I was an orphan (and no inheritance to use!) so there was no option for "bride's parents to pay" and absolutely no one defaulted to that expectation.

As a couple, me and DH set our budget and made appropriate choices for lovely but affordable venue, numbers we could host, etc.

PIL then kindly offered to pay for the meal and wine so that was much appreciated.

OP, it's odd and a bit of a red flag that you and MIL have been talking about the wedding and venues etc without ever being clear with each other about fundamental expectations. You need to be direct - obviously grateful etc - but clear on what is possible for your parents to contribute and let her decide if she wants to match their payment and downsize the plans, or pay for the lions share of a grander event.

Don't allow there to be any confusion or assumptions or grey areas - that's where people fall out over money! And no wedding is worth that.

Show quote history

I dont mind being old fashioned
I only have 1 DD
My parents paid for my wedding
My grandparents paid for theirs

I could afford it.
(Mumsnet horror - it was also a free bar all night- 300 plus cocktails)

Gumptionesque · 27/07/2023 21:10

My DF gave me a generous contribution, because he wanted to, and could afford it. He’d done the same for my DSis. DH’s parents didn’t give us anything because they weren’t in a position to.

It was set amount for us to use in any way we wanted to, and it ended up being about a third of the total budget, we paid the rest ourselves from savings.

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 21:56

@RegentCafe do you believe in dowries as that is why there is the tradition?

RegentCafe · 27/07/2023 22:16

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 21:56

@RegentCafe do you believe in dowries as that is why there is the tradition?

Absolutely- I got 1 slightly used cockapoo in return from his family.

(I had already sold her virginity to a Russian oligarch age 14 and so the dowry price was quite low)

Maybe I just believe in giving my daughter a fabulous wedding !

DevonMum123 · 27/07/2023 23:28

We've paid for our wedding ourselves as well was accommodation for 30 guests at the reception place night of the wedding.
I would not dream to expect our parents to pay for our wedding. Thought that's old tradition , didnt know its still happening 🤷‍♀️

Bouncyball23 · 27/07/2023 23:40

I missed the part mil said she would pay, sounds like she give ideas it was up to you to choose tho if you personally can't afford a big wedding then tell her it's going to be a low key one.

Bouncyball23 · 27/07/2023 23:42

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 08:13

I think it was a case of no one communicating properly. Mil does expect us to fund who ever I want to invite, she really wants a huge white wedding. Which means I will only have about 15 guests to his side having 80. I am getting a lot of pressure to get a loan or just not invite anyone.

Thanks for all the replies. It’s good to know there isn’t really a usual way to split funds.

Well it doesn't matter what mil wants!! It's about what you and dh want and most importantly what you can afford.

UsingChangeofName · 27/07/2023 23:53

As so many have said, DON'T get a loan.
Work out what your budget is, and start from there.

We got engaged, a few months later we mentioned we found a place to get married. The idea was small wedding with afternoon tea (cake and a few drinks ) and that’s it. Mil suggested a place. It’s incredible, we said it’s way out of our price range. She said don’t worry it’s on me. It really sounded like she meant all of it.
If she has expressed any concerns about having mentioned it to people, and now having to backtrack, your dp can remind her of this conversation
a) that you already had plans which she wanted to change, and
b) that she said "it was on me" when you both expressed you couldn't afford the function she was suggesting.

Again has already been said, it doesn't matter a jot what situation other people were in. You are in the situation of paying for your own wedding. If your MiL2B wants to make a financial contribution, then that is lovely, but she still doesn't get to dictate the guest list, which is the decision of you and your dp.

Mew2 · 28/07/2023 07:37

My MIL and fil paid the majority of the bill. Mum bought the cake, bridesmaid outfits, my outfit, sweet cart and flowers

Mummyof4Ireland · 28/07/2023 08:13

My husbands parents paid for our honeymoon. My parents made a significant cash "donation" as well as the cake and flowers. We neither asked for nor expected either so it was a lovely bonus as we had fully intended to pay for all. If i were OP I'd return the deposit. Pick your own venue and if she'd like to contribute I wouldn't argue but I wouldn't let her insert herself in my wedding as she sounds quite pushy. Your day may not turn out how you picture it

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 28/07/2023 09:47

Bouncyball23 · 27/07/2023 23:40

I missed the part mil said she would pay, sounds like she give ideas it was up to you to choose tho if you personally can't afford a big wedding then tell her it's going to be a low key one.

They have……

Tabitha2721 · 28/07/2023 10:12

Paid for it ourselves.

can see your predicament though - MIL definitely should have said this if she had an expectation. This is also extremely old fashioned, so I’m not sure why she would still assume this happens.

Longbarn5 · 28/07/2023 15:19

It does strike me as very odd for your in laws to find this expensive venue and then give you half the deposit on the assumption that you will just go with it! Had they been given any reason to think that either yourselves or your parents would be able to stump up the cash for the other half? Really, the budget and general expectations should have been discussed first. Maybe discuss with your own parents whether they wish to/are able to contribute and take it from there. Your own parents may feel a bit embarrassed if they think the in laws to be have this expectation of them and they cannot make the payment/ do not feel that such a highly expensive wedding us reasonable.

The venue choice is up to you and your partner to be honest and the venue and guest numbers need to fit in with the maximum budget obviously. Things can get out of hand with wedding costs very easily!!

RaraRachael · 28/07/2023 15:29

As my parents paid for everything, they dictated who was to be invited. There are people in my wedding album that I have no clue who they are.

When my daughter got married I made sure it was THEIR wedding and they could invite who they wanted even though I was paying for a lot of it,

Underestimated4 · 28/07/2023 16:21

I hate this odd traditions or views.
my husbands parents paid for all his sisters wedding, we had a little contribution not that I wasn’t grateful but I don’t agree I’d treating your children different.