If one side paid for your wedding, did they pay for everyone?

[User09876543217]

Im planning a wedding, my DP is an only child and his parents are very excited and want us to have a huge wedding.

We started looking at places and MIL found an incredible but very expensive place. We agreed on numbers and most details, let MIL know how much the deposit is and she transferred half the amount. DP asked about other half and MIL assumed my parents were covered the other half. They are not. I said that information would have been useful at the beginning, but she assured us this is how it is in most families. We will work it out, it’s not an argument but I just wanted to know others have sorted this.
Thanks.

To add, neither wedding was ott. Ours in 1991 cost £7750, all in. DS and DIL's was about £25k. We paid £10k. We expected to be able to invite: three grandparents, 4 aunts and uncles, ds's godparents and partners (6) who have been close to ds and us for nigh on 40 years.

So they can't afford their admittedly very expensive venue but have assumed OP's MIL can?! There needs to have been a discussion around budgets etc before looking at venues. I'm not looking for a fight but if OP can't afford an expensive venue then it's ridiculous to have also assumed MIL could.

But MIL said she would pay!

It's so common for MILs parents to get excited without thinking too hard. My MIL invited 30 randoms people without asking us and then said she couldn't possibly back out.

“I said that information would have been useful at the beginning”

MiL is probably thinking the same

I'd say there has been a shift from bride's family paying for everything (bar the grooms/best man) towards both sets of parents contributing, so I suppose that's what she means, but tbh a lot of the time these days the couple pay themselves then parents cover something specific eg the cake, the flowers, the bar.

It depends on the finances of the DPs and if they want to contribute.

DPs paid all of our wedding- they insisted- so we kept the spending within a certain limit. My Daunt who is a bit of a stirrer kept asking how much the grooms DPs were paying and telling us about all these US customs where grooms family paid for meal before event, but as DHs DM was a penniless widow in a council house on state pension it wasn't an option.

MIL was being passive aggressive. If she thought someone else was paying other half she should have said so up front, although still very kind of her to want to pay half. I'd pick something cheaper now you know.

I guess also MIL did choose the venue.

Hmm.. I still think you should have clarified before venue hunting but its not clear to me from the OP that MIL said she'd pay for the whole thing.

I wouldn't have allowed my MIL to choose a venue, our parents didn't have much say in our wedding. They gave us £5k each and my mum bought my dress. We paid the rest, it came to around £29k and we paid all deposits etc for the suppliers we chose. It meant that we were able to say no when MIL started suggesting we invite her friends that we don't particularly like and had there been any push back we would've given her very kind contribution back and managed on our own. It is your day, do what you can afford and don't let it become about your parents/in-laws.

Lack of communication here. Talk to each other and then you can organise your wedding with the budget accordingly. Your MIL sounds tricky. My parents paid for our wedding because they could afford to. DH’s mother had little money but gave my husband a small amount. This was 20 odd years ago. Nowadays I believe parents make contributions and the bride and groom sort it out direct.

I don't know if I've missed something, but what I can't quite work out is why you thought MIL was paying for the whole thing if she didn't explicitly say that at the beginning?

My mum paid for our reception and bits and pieces eg flower girls shoes , dresses etc. my in-laws paid for the 2 cars and dh and I paid for the rest.

we didn’t expect any money from either sets of parents but we’re grateful for what they paid.

I think it was a case of no one communicating properly. Mil does expect us to fund who ever I want to invite, she really wants a huge white wedding. Which means I will only have about 15 guests to his side having 80. I am getting a lot of pressure to get a loan or just not invite anyone.

Thanks for all the replies. It’s good to know there isn’t really a usual way to split funds.

And don’t let MIL take over - have the wedding you want!

@User09876543217 tell her to renew her vows or get married if she isn't already then.

It's your wedding OP sounds as though she is taking over. Tell her you're going back to the drawing board. Oh and if your DP is saying 'it's fine, we'll just pay it, let's just cut down on your friends' then unfortunately you already have a DP problem.

The tradition of the brides parents paying is very outdated imo, but like a dowry.

If you only have 15 guests and DH's side has 80 guests then it would be totally unfair to expect you / your parents to fund half the costs. MIL can't have it both ways!

DP has said he will do whatever I want and deal with the fall out. I think the problem is she has already told everyone about it, and can’t back down now.

I see I hadn't quite grasped the situation from the OP so I apologise for sounding a bit harsh.

I think your DH should thank her for the offer but you're going for something more within your budget where your guests lists match more in size.

Shut down any pressure - do not get a loan unless you want to.

If your MIL wants a massive white wedding at this expensive venue she is welcome to have her own vow renewal or whatever there.

Yes she can. You will send the invitations with the venue on it and the guests will know that is the venue.

In our culture, parents pay half half. We were young when we were married, paid for some things ourselves. This year, my nephew is paying for his 'half' as his parents can't afford as much as the bride's family can. But this isn't an actual split down the middle thing. Parents and the people getting married can contribute to the venue, the food, drink and band, but you two should pay for other things too. Good luck with all the wedding prep x

Definitely don't get a loan out and definitely don't invite no one! Those options are both far far worse than you and DH having a small wedding.

If you don't want a big expensive, lavish white wedding then don't!!!
I think you need to start off as you mean to go on because otherwise, your MIL will be running your life and telling you how things will be!

When I got married we paid for the majority of it. I've got divorced parents - my mum paid for her side of the family and friends, father did the same and PIL did the same. We paid for the rest. My mum did buy my dress and also helped out with deposits when we were booking different things. We didn't expect any help from anyone really (we were very grateful for it though!) So when we were making the arrangements just made sure it fitted with what we wanted and within our budget.

It can be a stressful time! If you can I'd try and pay for the majority of it yourselves - that way you won't feel guilty when your parents want a certain thing and you don't!

You can back down. You can state quite clearly what you can afford as your parents cannot/will not be paying what they are paying. If MIL wants you to have the whole shebang then she has to stump up the cash. Otherwise you and your DH will organise the size of wedding according to what you can afford.

I agree.
Be careful @User09876543217 it doesn't bode well for the future.
And she has already boasted to her friends told people the "plans".