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Original poster

If one side paid for your wedding, did they pay for everyone?

312 replies

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 04:55

Im planning a wedding, my DP is an only child and his parents are very excited and want us to have a huge wedding.

We started looking at places and MIL found an incredible but very expensive place. We agreed on numbers and most details, let MIL know how much the deposit is and she transferred half the amount. DP asked about other half and MIL assumed my parents were covered the other half. They are not. I said that information would have been useful at the beginning, but she assured us this is how it is in most families. We will work it out, it’s not an argument but I just wanted to know others have sorted this.
Thanks.

OP posts:
MeridaBrave · 27/07/2023 09:45

I think you need to back to them and say your parents weren’t paying, and so you’d planned something small.

I think it would be reasonable if your PIL pay that they can have more friends etc. but not ok to say your parents can’t have any friends. How many would you invite and your parents invite if it all a very small wedding.

At our wedding there were 200, my parents paid all, we had 30 friends my PIL had 70 and my Parents had 100.

cstaff · 27/07/2023 09:46

They can donate whatever amount suits them but that does not entitle them to tell you who, what, where etc to invite, what food, music or anything else. That should be you and your DPs choice. I would be tempted to hand it back and elope or have a smaller version in a cheaper venue. CFs

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 09:48

Traditionally the bride’s parents pay as you were your dad’s property and you were then being passed onto your husband’s property. I know in some cultures this is still seen as the norm but I would like to think we have moved on from this.

When my parents got married they were much younger than I was when I got married, they were both living at home and at the start of their careers. Their wedding was a simple affair with reception at local village hall. So the cost of the wedding wasn’t on the same scale as weddings can be nowadays.

When I got married my DPs paid for my dress and put a contribution towards the wine, as a gift (not expected) MIL made the cake. We had a small wedding with only 40 guests and no evening do, as that is what we wanted and paid for the rest ourselves. I would have hated to be dictated to about what sort of wedding we should have and would have not felt comfortable if my parents had paid for everything, especially as they were retired and we were in reasonably well paid jobs.

As we were having a small wedding we only invited a handful of relatives on DH’s side (larger family than mine). Some of them had put the day in the diary and had booked the day before off for travel, when they found out the date from MIL but they weren’t on the guest list and 40 was the maximum the venue could hold. So that was slightly awkward but we stuck with our venue and guest list

concertgoer · 27/07/2023 09:48

My parents paid for our wedding. My dad was insistent. Big row. He conceded and let in-laws pay for welcome drink for evening guests.
there were bits my dad wouldn’t pay for that I wanted, so I paid for them myself.

I know that’s very fortunate. But we could have paid for what we had ourselves. We planned and managed a budget before a penny was spent. …. That is the key point !!

sgtmajormum · 27/07/2023 09:48

Wedding paid for by myself and fiance
My parents paid for my wedding dress.
They wanted a few of their friends to attend which we couldn't afford so they paid for them to attend.
Fiance's parents were not in a position to contribute.

Pkhsvd · 27/07/2023 09:49

That sounds like a mistake on your behalf; it’s fair for her to assume she is paying half. Why did you assume she would pay it all without telling her?

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 27/07/2023 09:49

My parents (bride) paid for the sit down meal and toast and welcome drinks, my in laws gave us a fixed amount to be spent as we wished. Neither dictated budget or guests and we paid for anything above what was offered. But neither even asked what the other side was paying. It wasn't a competition and there was no expectation. Things have changed since the days of the brides parents should foot the bill for it all. We were lucky both parents had the means but that isn't to be expected. She was being odd. Choose the wedding you want.

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 09:50

@MeridaBrave if it’s your wedding parents shouldn’t be inviting guests. At our wedding we only invited people we knew.

concertgoer · 27/07/2023 09:50

Oh and remember that whatever you do, you’re going to upset people. You just need to decide who and how much!!
its your day so I’d recommend doing it your way! & DO NOT go into debt for it.

ohfook · 27/07/2023 09:52

My parents gave us a lump sum. We weren't expecting it and they told us the amount before we booked anything so we could cut our cloth accordingly.

Dh's parents asked us how much an aspect of the wedding was ( I think it was suit hire) and paid for that. Again weren't expecting it but it helped a lot.

Because we've moved on from the days of bride's parents pay for everything, I don't think there's a set way of doing things any more.

Pkhsvd · 27/07/2023 09:52

Although my big thing from accepting money from each set of parents was that we were doing it our way and if that was a problem then we’d pay ourselves; we invited some family friends (4 on each side) as a bit of an acknowledgment that parents were putting money in but our parents have had their own weddings and this was ours

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 09:52

@Pkhsvd MIL chose the venue and by the sounds of it the majority of guests, if she has that much control of what is happening then she should be paying for it.

drpet49 · 27/07/2023 09:56

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/07/2023 08:10

I don't know if I've missed something, but what I can't quite work out is why you thought MIL was paying for the whole thing if she didn't explicitly say that at the beginning?

This. Entitled much OP?

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 09:59

@drpet49 because the MIL was dictating the type of wedding it was going to be and the majority of the guest list

Mayhem3 · 27/07/2023 10:00

I would not expect one side to pay for the entire thing.
It is usually split between both sets of parents.

I wouldn’t want my parents paying for my wedding anyway.
Why should they pay for something that you want to do.

TrustyRusty68 · 27/07/2023 10:02

Both of our parents gave us a sum of money towards the wedding costs - we paid for everything ourselves. Parents didn’t really have any involvement over location, invite list etc.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 27/07/2023 10:04

Do NOT go into debt for someone else's dream wedding.

Your MIL had her day. Unless she's paying for all of it, then say thank you but no, this isn't what you want and this isn't what you can afford.

If you don't start as you mean to go on with her, you will struggle going forward to set reasonable boundaries.

blueraininlondon · 27/07/2023 10:06

My parents paid a quarter, I paid the other quarter and my fiancé has paid for the other half!

hellywelly3 · 27/07/2023 10:10

I personally wouldn’t let them pay. My in-laws and parents split the reception cost. It was a bloody nightmare. My mum automatically thought and said this gave her permission to invite who she wanted. And guests had to be 50% 50% bride.
I was 21 when I got married and wouldn’t stand for it now.
I would just say they can just give you a really nice wedding gift

WonderingWanda · 27/07/2023 10:12

We paid for our own, I always knew my parents wouldn't be able to contribute. My inlaws generously gave us some money nearer the date which we used to pay for our honeymoon.

YouveGotAFastCar · 27/07/2023 10:13

DH's parents offered to contribute; but as often seems to be the case, it was a somewhat loaded offer - they'd contribute, but then felt that they had a say over who came/where it was/etc.

DH's mum had a clear idea of what DH's wedding should look like...

We paid for everything ourselves. It didn't mean that we avoided all the chats about what we should/shouldn't do, or how she'd always envisioned DH arriving in a particular car or wearing a particular colour, but it did mean that we could build something close to what we wanted.

50/50 on a big white wedding that you don't really want is insane. Making you pay for anyone you invite is not a healthy, or particularly inclusive, way to become family with someone...

Catspyjamas17 · 27/07/2023 10:14

Thank them for the contribution and book the place you want.

Spirallingdownwards · 27/07/2023 10:18

Pkhsvd · 27/07/2023 09:49

That sounds like a mistake on your behalf; it’s fair for her to assume she is paying half. Why did you assume she would pay it all without telling her?

Don't be so ridiculous and read the opening post again. MIL offered to pay for the big white wedding she wanted.

Floppyelf · 27/07/2023 10:20

JasonOsCubanHeels · 27/07/2023 07:09

Traditionally the brides family should foot the bill so if your MIL is a bit old fashioned I can see why she thought your parents would be contributing. She shouldn’t have assumed though and if she wants you to have a massive wedding then only paying half is a bit odd. It’s nice that she’s so excited for the wedding but be careful she doesn’t take over!

That is one sexist tradition that can go die as society moves forward. Refund MIL’s money. Take her out for a meal and make it all about how amazing she is but then drop the bombshell that you’ll have a small wedding. Its insane to be shelling out for a wedding when you will need that money for other things.

54isanopendoor · 27/07/2023 10:21

Another one saying: 'DONT GET A LOAN'.
It's one day, not your whole marriage.
The costs & pressure of a modern Big White Wedding are crazy.

If your MIL wants to invite 80 folk to your 15 then she can pay for the 80
& you fund the 15 (if you can afford it at that venue & if you wish to) If not:

Set a budget. Choose a venue that fits. Send out your invitations. Take control.

I hope you have a lovely wedding & a long happy marriage x