Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Original poster

If one side paid for your wedding, did they pay for everyone?

312 replies

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 04:55

Im planning a wedding, my DP is an only child and his parents are very excited and want us to have a huge wedding.

We started looking at places and MIL found an incredible but very expensive place. We agreed on numbers and most details, let MIL know how much the deposit is and she transferred half the amount. DP asked about other half and MIL assumed my parents were covered the other half. They are not. I said that information would have been useful at the beginning, but she assured us this is how it is in most families. We will work it out, it’s not an argument but I just wanted to know others have sorted this.
Thanks.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 27/07/2023 10:44

Yes, in the past the bride's parents would pay, and the invitation was from them. They would be the ones deciding who to invite , and the guest list would include their friends as well as relatives. It was their party, held to celebrate the marriage of their daughter, for whom they would no longer be financially responsible.
But that hasn't been the case across the board for a long time, and these days it would be silly to make assumptions. People find it difficult to talk about money, but it has to be done .
Your MiL has made assumptions and so there will need to be a discussion. If she pays for the whole shebang, she will likely want input into the guest list and everything else. That would not be unreasonable, but does it work for you? If you want full control, then you will have to pay.
"He who pays the piper calls the tune" as my grandmother used to say.

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/07/2023 10:44

Paid for it ourselves. For my second wedding my parents gave us £500 as a present, that actually paid for most of the reception because it was a very very small wedding. It wasn't given to pay for it though.

MissJoGrant · 27/07/2023 10:46

The idea, in 2023, that parents should be pay for weddings seems like total insanity to me.

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/07/2023 10:46

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 10:41

Never get into debt for a wedding. A work colleague of mine was still paying off the loan long after he was divorced! Bride and her mum had wanted the big white wedding extravaganza and he went along and paid for it all

I used to work with someone who was working past retirement age to pay off what she spent on her son's wedding. The marriage was over long before she got to retire. Madness.

MrsRachelDanvers · 27/07/2023 10:46

PinkPlantCase · 27/07/2023 07:44

When we started wedding planning both told us how much cash they wanted to give us towards the wedding. We didn’t ask, it was a gift. We could have only spent that or added more to it. I think we added a little bit more but not much.

Neither side knew how much the other side had put in.

Neither side was involved in finding or choosing venues. We obviously took them round to show them once we’d decided and they came to the menu tasting with the caterer but that’s because we wanted them to!

There were no strings attached to the money either side gave us.

And that’s exactly what I’ll do when/if my children marry. Ridiculous to assume just because you think your child should have an expensive wedding, then everyone else will think the same and be able to or want to make large contributions. I’d rather give more for a house deposit than a wedding. Others have different views. I would thank your in laws for their generous contribution but it isn’t what you actually want or can afford.

Notonthestairs · 27/07/2023 10:47

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 09:02

We have said thanks but no thanks. No idea what we will do, but we will plan and pay for it.

Good move.
Best to start off knowing you are in control of finances.

tara66 · 27/07/2023 10:49

If MIL is upset - tell her straight it is not her wedding. They are so expensive some times which is fine if you have the money - but smaller weddings are often best and certainly less stressful.

Winter2020 · 27/07/2023 10:49

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 08:13

I think it was a case of no one communicating properly. Mil does expect us to fund who ever I want to invite, she really wants a huge white wedding. Which means I will only have about 15 guests to his side having 80. I am getting a lot of pressure to get a loan or just not invite anyone.

Thanks for all the replies. It’s good to know there isn’t really a usual way to split funds.

This sounds horrible and not in the spirit of two families coming together at all. Your MIL would really be happy for all the guests to be hers because she is paying? She should just throw herself a big birthday bash then - your wedding is not about her it is about the two of you.

My family and my partners family gave us 3K each towards our wedding. We had a small family wedding but accommodated everyone all weekend within the budget. (no cars/ no photographer etc but we have loads of great photos taken by guests). If one family could not pay anything then we would have scaled back what we could afford or paid (borrowed) some ourselves. This would be discreet and no-one would be treated differently at the wedding. My friend is getting married later this year and after the service she is having a family meal then friends can join her for a drink in the pub in the evening. It will be lovely.

Your wedding should be two people coming together as equals whatever their family backgrounds. I'd rather have a small pub meal after my wedding as an equal with my partner than a fancy bash in a fancy hotel as the poor relation.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 27/07/2023 10:49

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 09:59

@drpet49 because the MIL was dictating the type of wedding it was going to be and the majority of the guest list

And the very expensive venue.

If someone makes choices for someone that cost multiple times what the choices made by that person themselves would cost, yes, I would assume they are paying.

I’ve done this myself - I didn’t want to stay in the local Travellodge so I upgraded to a nicer hotel and paid the difference for the room. It would never have occurred to me to bill my sister for a cost she hadn’t agreed to and at the time couldn’t afford.

WannaBeRecluse · 27/07/2023 10:51

Everyone I know paid for their own weddings, including ourselves. Especially in this day and age when most couples are older. You have the wedding you can afford.

Shinyandnew1 · 27/07/2023 10:51

If someone makes choices for someone that cost multiple times what the choices made by that person themselves would cost, yes, I would assume they are paying

It’s about communication. The OP says the MIL found this amazing place. It doesn’t sound like the OP said, ‘that’s way out of our budget! or the MIL said, ‘that’s expensive-we will cover the costs’. Assumptions have been made which is dangerous!

mast0650 · 27/07/2023 10:53

We just paid for all of it ourselves. We invited who we wanted and chose the venue we wanted (and that we could afford). That was more than 20 years ago.
Would not have occurred to us to do it any other way. If I remember correctly, my mum offered to organize and pay for the cake and probably the bridesmaids dresses (the only bridesmaids were my two younger sisters and two young flowergirls who my mother made the dresses for herself).

I find the idea of parents being involved in a more significant way very old fashioned and am surprised it still happens.

MissJoGrant · 27/07/2023 10:53

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 09:02

We have said thanks but no thanks. No idea what we will do, but we will plan and pay for it.

Good decision imo.

mindutopia · 27/07/2023 10:53

My family paid for everything. Because they are relatively loaded and wanted a big fancy shindig. Dh's granddad paid for the rehearsal dinner though. And dh and I paid for our various bits like clothes and rings and that sort of stuff.

I don't think there is any one way that families go about it. It happened this way for us because my family has money (and likes to burn through it) whereas dh's does not so much. I would not have had a big fancy wedding if I'd had to pay for it myself as really isn't worth it, imo.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 27/07/2023 10:54

DinnaeFashYersel · 27/07/2023 09:06

My parents gave us £5k. My MIL gave us £500.

We paid the rest.

Similar. It's dependent on individual circumstances. My parents contributed. My FIL contributed. My MIL didn't contribute but we got a generous wedding gift. We paid for the rest.

I find it bizarre in 2023 that 1. Parents are expected to pay for the entire wedding (I earn more than my parents FFS) and 2. There are many instances on this thread where the bride's family pay for nearly all of it. WTF. How is that fair? It's a hefty daughter tax.

Hibiscrubbed · 27/07/2023 10:55

Mil does expect us to fund who ever I want to invite, she really wants a huge white wedding

She can get fucked then, it’s not her wedding. Crazy woman. 😂 she really expected you to pay and then dominate the invitation list and leave you with hardly any space for your own guests? No. 🖕🏻

mast0650 · 27/07/2023 10:56

I don't know why you assumed your ILs would pay for the whole lot unles they implied that, especially as the "tradition" is that the bride's side pays. Very strange not to have had an explicit discussion about exactly who would pay what. I hope you can sort it out now!

Hungryfrogs23 · 27/07/2023 10:57

For our wedding, we budgeted and planned the wedding assuming we were paying for it all ourselves. Both parents did then end up contributing (their choice) but we wanted to plan a wedding which didn't rely on someone else footing the bill. But were very grateful for the contributions we got obviously!

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/07/2023 11:00

If you only have a small family can you not just invite some more of your friends to even up the numbers on each side?

Lovingitallnow · 27/07/2023 11:00

The big thing is you need a budget. You can't start planning until you have a budget. So you need a cold cash figure of how much she's contributing.

SerafinasGoose · 27/07/2023 11:02

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 08:13

I think it was a case of no one communicating properly. Mil does expect us to fund who ever I want to invite, she really wants a huge white wedding. Which means I will only have about 15 guests to his side having 80. I am getting a lot of pressure to get a loan or just not invite anyone.

Thanks for all the replies. It’s good to know there isn’t really a usual way to split funds.

Do YOU want a huge wedding?

SerafinasGoose · 27/07/2023 11:02

Because this isn't about what your MiL wants. It's about what you and your fiance want.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 27/07/2023 11:03

mast0650 · 27/07/2023 10:56

I don't know why you assumed your ILs would pay for the whole lot unles they implied that, especially as the "tradition" is that the bride's side pays. Very strange not to have had an explicit discussion about exactly who would pay what. I hope you can sort it out now!

I would absolutely have made the same assumption since in my view only a completely unreasonable person would insist on a massively more expensive event if they didn’t intend to pay for it.

The OP didn’t realise her MIL to be is the sort of person who thinks she has the right to stick her fingers in other people’s wallets. She knows better now.

spuddel · 27/07/2023 11:04

If MIL wants a huge wedding, she should pay for it! Are your parents contributing op? It's tradition that the brides parents pay. I don't think we should hold with that in modern life of course and it's nice that anyone wants to contribute.

spuddel · 27/07/2023 11:07

And in answer to your question, my parents paid for everything. DH's parents (divorced) didn't even offer and we didn't expect my own parents to fund it but they insisted. I had a cheap wedding though.