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Original poster

If one side paid for your wedding, did they pay for everyone?

312 replies

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 04:55

Im planning a wedding, my DP is an only child and his parents are very excited and want us to have a huge wedding.

We started looking at places and MIL found an incredible but very expensive place. We agreed on numbers and most details, let MIL know how much the deposit is and she transferred half the amount. DP asked about other half and MIL assumed my parents were covered the other half. They are not. I said that information would have been useful at the beginning, but she assured us this is how it is in most families. We will work it out, it’s not an argument but I just wanted to know others have sorted this.
Thanks.

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 27/07/2023 08:46

We paid for our own wedding.

LobsterCrab · 27/07/2023 08:46

OP, I understand that you don't want to get off to a bad start with your MIL. But in years to come, you will really resent her if you end up paying lots of money towards a wedding that wouldn't even have been your choice. It's worth staying firm now. It's good that DP is supporting you.

PinkPlantCase · 27/07/2023 08:51

OP this is such a huge cost and more to the point it’s your wedding! Not MILs.

You haven’t booked anywhere yet, it isn’t backing down. If MIL wants loads of people they can come to the evening. It’s her problem not yours if she’s already invited loads of people.

Or if you don’t want a big white wedding then now is the time to say, MIL has I assume had her wedding day, this is yours have what you and your DP want.

Callmesleepy · 27/07/2023 08:51

We split by the item rather than halving everything. Do someone did car, someone did food, etc., based on what they had a strong preference on and wanted to contribute. We did make sure both sides had equal invites! If your mother in law expects you to have a more expensive venue she needs to cough up the difference or adjust her expectations.

Notonthestairs · 27/07/2023 08:51

Don't get a loan.

Go back to the drawing board and decide what YOU want to spend. Then look at venues etc within your budget and take it from there.

It means removing MIL from decision making and (potentially) just paying for everything yourselves.

She may well flounce for a while but I suspect she'll come around. And she'll have the perfect excuse to explain why vast numbers aren't invited.

Just don't get in to debt for a wedding - you are planning a whole future not just one day.

PinkPlantCase · 27/07/2023 08:54

I also find it odd that the MIL is so involved in the wedding choices. Me and DH were 23 when we were planning our wedding so pretty young by todays standard but it was still what we wanted. Not other people.

whowhatwerewhy · 27/07/2023 08:54

You need to put a stop to it now . Explain to your MIL the misunderstanding regarding payment. Ask how much she's willing to contribute or if she only wants to contribute half towards the wedding of your choice with the guest list of your choice. If she's putting pressure on you to get a loan simply say no , you don't want to start your marriage in dept .

WellPlaced · 27/07/2023 08:56

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 08:13

I think it was a case of no one communicating properly. Mil does expect us to fund who ever I want to invite, she really wants a huge white wedding. Which means I will only have about 15 guests to his side having 80. I am getting a lot of pressure to get a loan or just not invite anyone.

Thanks for all the replies. It’s good to know there isn’t really a usual way to split funds.

This info does make a difference

caringcarer · 27/07/2023 08:57

When I got married my Dad paid for the reception for 100 guests, my dress, bridesmaids dresses, shoes, floral bouquets for me and bridesmaids and flowers for church and all buttonholes for wedding party, wedding cake, photographer, evening DJ, and a few other bits. DH paid for his suit, shoes, gift for best man and church service. His parents paid for nothing. This was many years ago and my Dad took out an insurance policy as each of his DD were born to pay for their wedding. My Dad had 5 DD's. That was traditionally what happened. This doesn't usually happen any more. Now a lot of brides and grooms pay for their own wedding. When my DD got married I had expected to pay but she said no they had saved and would pay themselves but she let me buy her dress, shoes, head dress and veil. I gave them lump sum for their deposit. I think his Dad gave them money towards mortgage too. My exh and her DH Mum who was remarried, offered them nothing.

ThroughGraceAlone · 27/07/2023 08:57

Guess it depends on the society. It's very popular nowadays that the couple pay for their own wedding or parents go half half.
In our circle, we're definitely still traditional.
So my parents (brides parents) paid for everything except the drinks which the grooms family is responsible for customarily

Original poster
User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 09:02

We have said thanks but no thanks. No idea what we will do, but we will plan and pay for it.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/07/2023 09:03

It’s not your MILs wedding, it’s yours, so have the one you want with who you want and how you want.

time to sit down with your DH to be and have a Frank chat about expectations here and see if he steps up to the plate and supports you; this will give you a clear indication as to how things will be from here. If he is not with you on this, then imagine what it is going to like when children come along…

caringcarer · 27/07/2023 09:05

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 08:37

DP has said he will do whatever I want and deal with the fall out. I think the problem is she has already told everyone about it, and can’t back down now.

Well she was out of place inviting people before you and DH2B made a guest list. Start from scratch. Pick who you want to be there and you don't have to invite your soont2MiL's friends if you don't know them/don't want to. If you only invite 15 does he really need to invite 80? It sounds very unbalanced.

FrostieBoabby · 27/07/2023 09:05

You need to abandon this big expensive wedding idea and organise your own small wedding. Return the deposit, keep MIL at arms length before it's too late and keep total control of it your 2 selves.

DinnaeFashYersel · 27/07/2023 09:06

My parents gave us £5k. My MIL gave us £500.

We paid the rest.

Meezer · 27/07/2023 09:10

We faced a similar issue. . My wealthy PIL wanted a big smart wedding (200 +) and were horrified we wanted to elope to avoid expenses we couldn't afford and (my) step family issues. PIL then said they would pay and it would be unreasonable of us to refuse. But they controlled everything- there were total strangers there I have never seen before or since, few of my family and friends, and I hated my own wedding day.
My advice would be to do your own thing. Fortunately the events of that time forced my lovely husband and I to immediately put boundaries into place with PIL both sides which have protected our marriage and children.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2023 09:12

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 08:37

DP has said he will do whatever I want and deal with the fall out. I think the problem is she has already told everyone about it, and can’t back down now.

Yes, she can.

I've honestly never heard of someone out paying for their kids guests.

DP needs to say rather than working out who's guest belongs to whom, are you willing to give us a set amount to use as we need.

Then work out how much you can afford to spend on a wedding and split the guest lift equally.

Do NOT get into credit card debt for a wedding

GnomeDePlume · 27/07/2023 09:13

We have given DD cash and will be providing drinks for the meal. If we are feeling flush we will give DD more cash closer to the time.

I absolutely do not want to be organising it. DD has far better taste than me.

Shinyandnew1 · 27/07/2023 09:17

I just wanted to know others have sorted this.

I think most people have conversations about it before it gets to the deposit stage. There’s so many different variations on who pays that there is no single obvious answer any more. Glad you’ve pulled back though as it gives you the chance to think what the two of you actually want.

I would imagine a conversation with MIL will be happening soon, and you just need to explain that she wants a big wedding with 80 of her side but you can’t afford 80 on your side and it’s obviously not going to be the wedding you want if there’s only 10 people you know!

Take their money out of the equation, how many people do you and your partner want there?

GnomeDePlume · 27/07/2023 09:23

Shinyandnew1 · 27/07/2023 09:17

I just wanted to know others have sorted this.

I think most people have conversations about it before it gets to the deposit stage. There’s so many different variations on who pays that there is no single obvious answer any more. Glad you’ve pulled back though as it gives you the chance to think what the two of you actually want.

I would imagine a conversation with MIL will be happening soon, and you just need to explain that she wants a big wedding with 80 of her side but you can’t afford 80 on your side and it’s obviously not going to be the wedding you want if there’s only 10 people you know!

Take their money out of the equation, how many people do you and your partner want there?

I think this is sound advice.

mynewusername2023 · 27/07/2023 09:29

My parents paid for 95% of our wedding. We consulted them on things but everything was pretty much our choice. My DH parents paid for the cake and flowers.

We paid for our own honeymoon.

Cyclistmumgrandma · 27/07/2023 09:30

Told both sons that we will give them a lump sum. They can choose how much to spend on wedding and how much to keep as wedding present. Don't know what fiancées' parents plan to do.

Cyclistmumgrandma · 27/07/2023 09:33

Also entirely up to them what size of wedding they plan. I would have been disappointed if either of them had planned a very small affair and not invited close family, but it would have been their choice and I would not have prevented them. Luckily that hasn't happened!

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 27/07/2023 09:37

We have each of our DC a lump sum towards their weddings - the same whether it was DD or DS. One set of in-laws were also able to contribute, one set wasn't. The DC then each decided on all the details and we didn't expect t to have any further input in decision making.

Sherrystrull · 27/07/2023 09:41

Why is there such disparity in the numbers?