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Original poster

If one side paid for your wedding, did they pay for everyone?

312 replies

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 04:55

Im planning a wedding, my DP is an only child and his parents are very excited and want us to have a huge wedding.

We started looking at places and MIL found an incredible but very expensive place. We agreed on numbers and most details, let MIL know how much the deposit is and she transferred half the amount. DP asked about other half and MIL assumed my parents were covered the other half. They are not. I said that information would have been useful at the beginning, but she assured us this is how it is in most families. We will work it out, it’s not an argument but I just wanted to know others have sorted this.
Thanks.

OP posts:
Toodaloobaloo · 27/07/2023 10:21

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 08:37

DP has said he will do whatever I want and deal with the fall out. I think the problem is she has already told everyone about it, and can’t back down now.

That’s not your problem OP, it’s hers.

ShippingNews · 27/07/2023 10:22

I was the bride's mother - we had dinner with the groom's parents and talked about it. The outcome was - couple picked the venue, keeping the budget in mind.

I paid for the catering, and the bride's dress. ILs paid for the drinks and the groom's suit. The couple paid for the extras - flowers, came etc. The main thing was good communication. Don't assume anything!

Yeahno · 27/07/2023 10:22

Don't be silly. What is wrong with people. Don't get in debt because MIL wants to show off. It's not her wedding.

celticprincess · 27/07/2023 10:22

This caused so much bother for us. We made it clear if my DM was to contribute then that would be lovely but we were setting the list of guests and decided on all the detail. They’d had made it clear they weren’t paying for the full amount so we budgeted the cost and their contribution did knock of a chunk. DH’s parents didn’t contribute at all. They possibly assumed mine would pay for everything as they knew mine were higher earners. They never offered and we never asked. My DPs also bought my dress and bridesmaid dresses.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 27/07/2023 10:23

Paid for it ourselves the majority. My mum bought my dress. My dad the photographers. DH parents the transport and the entertainment and drinks so sort of equivalent to my parents. The rest me and DH paid

Coffeetree · 27/07/2023 10:24

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 09:02

We have said thanks but no thanks. No idea what we will do, but we will plan and pay for it.

Good!

Was just about to come on to say that this happened to me. We were going to just have a small one paid for by ourselves but his step-mother of all people kind of charged in and said she and FIL would pay for a venue and food etc. All very nice, wow thank you but then predictably it became all about her plans and things broke down when she insisted on the Lord's Prayer in the ceremony. I said no bc my family is not Christian. So we went back to plan A!

Well done OP, it would only get worse.

Pigeon31 · 27/07/2023 10:27

Its awhile ago now but what we did was right at the very beginning, figure out how much we could afford (including who was willing to contribute and how much). Then we decided how many people we wanted to invite, and what if any aspects of the event were most important to OH and me (like, neither of us cared about favours), based on that, started planning.

Barney60 · 27/07/2023 10:27

My daughter and husband paid for their wedding themselves, (that way could have wedding they chose and invite who they wanted) i paid for her dress his parents paid for bridesmaids dresses.
I arranged a few "treats" on the day, His family paid their hotel night stay where all wedding guests stayed if wanted too.

viques · 27/07/2023 10:30

caringcarer · 27/07/2023 09:05

Well she was out of place inviting people before you and DH2B made a guest list. Start from scratch. Pick who you want to be there and you don't have to invite your soont2MiL's friends if you don't know them/don't want to. If you only invite 15 does he really need to invite 80? It sounds very unbalanced.

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That’s her problem to deal with. You work out the size of wedding you want, decide who you want to be there, if there is any wriggle room with guests tell her she can have two sit down guests and six spaces at the evening do.

Readyplayerthr33 · 27/07/2023 10:31

If you want to be old fashioned about it, the bride’s parents should pay for the wedding.

However, we don’t live in the old days when women were property and now you just pay for it yourselves, or with any help any family is willing to offer but not if that money comes with strings. Your MIL is only giving money because she wants you to play her idea of a wedding and have it all her way, but only paying for half and leaving you to get into debt for the rest of her giant wedding.

Don’t do it. Have your wedding, not hers. Pay for it yourselves.

Lovegossip · 27/07/2023 10:32

Dh and I paid for everything ourselves but we had a small budget and didn't ask anyone for help

Cyclebabble · 27/07/2023 10:33

Paid for our own, planned our own. Got a small contribution from my side. Varies vastly though. Lady I work with really into weddings and planned a 40k wedding expecting the grooms parents to put in half. She was furious that they only wanted (and did) put in a couple of grand. Cast a shadow over the relationship between the two families.

Tatzelwyrm · 27/07/2023 10:33

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 08:13

I think it was a case of no one communicating properly. Mil does expect us to fund who ever I want to invite, she really wants a huge white wedding. Which means I will only have about 15 guests to his side having 80. I am getting a lot of pressure to get a loan or just not invite anyone.

Thanks for all the replies. It’s good to know there isn’t really a usual way to split funds.

Who is getting married here?

You or MIL?

AllBlackEverything · 27/07/2023 10:34

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 09:02

We have said thanks but no thanks. No idea what we will do, but we will plan and pay for it.

How did she take it...?

Lavenderflower · 27/07/2023 10:34

Most couples I know paid for their own wedding with contributions from family members.

MoonLion · 27/07/2023 10:34

User09876543217 · 27/07/2023 09:02

We have said thanks but no thanks. No idea what we will do, but we will plan and pay for it.

Good decision OP. Good luck with planning a lovely wedding!

Middleagedmeangirls · 27/07/2023 10:34

Traditionally brides parents paid for everything. Nowadays most people pay for their own. It's quite usual for both sides to chip in a bit and I know one situation where the grooms family are paying for the lot because the mums family can't afford to contribute.

in other words - anything goes and communication Aron f expectations is vital.

Sassypants82 · 27/07/2023 10:36

We paid for everything ourselves. We saved for it. Our parents gave us cash gifts then. Of my friends, one I know of was given a significant sum towards her wedding by her parents. 25K.

3BSHKATS · 27/07/2023 10:38

They will tell everybody that they get the chance to that they’ve paid for the wedding. When actually they would’ve paid very little towards this extravagant event that they appear to be planning on your behalf I would nip in the bud now

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 27/07/2023 10:40

greenteaandmarshmallows · 27/07/2023 07:02

So you expected someone else to spend heaps?!

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Since that other person is the one who wanted an expensive wedding and also the one who chose the incredibly expensive venue (rather than letting the couple choose a less spendy alternative), I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect her to pay for her choices.

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2023 10:41

Never get into debt for a wedding. A work colleague of mine was still paying off the loan long after he was divorced! Bride and her mum had wanted the big white wedding extravaganza and he went along and paid for it all

Moonshine5 · 27/07/2023 10:41

OP start as you mean to go on. Respectfully tell MIL you appreciate the gesture and you and DF will let her know. Remember not everything is unconditional.

Moonshine5 · 27/07/2023 10:42

Wishing you all the best for your shared lives together

whatafaf · 27/07/2023 10:42

If someone says they are paying for the wedding I would assume that to be the whole cost of the wedding. Amongst my friends it was normal for parents to tell their child they were gifting £x towards the wedding. They didn't look at what the other side were contributing. I have also heard of people paying for specific elements as gifts that the bride and groom chose eg brides dream dress/ venue/ wedding breakfast/ honeymoon. It's better to arrange what you can yourselves within the budget you are able and willing to spend. Mil wanted her dream wedding and would have been telling people she paid when in reality she was contributing.

Jujubes5 · 27/07/2023 10:44

We paid 12,000 to each wedding - no idea what others DPs put in. But that was 10 years ago