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Original poster

Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

463 replies

mdinbc · 09/12/2022 23:34

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

OP posts:
ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 09/12/2022 23:35

You can ask but you probably won’t like what you see. The wedding is their day and they should have no obligation to invite anyone they don’t want to regardless of how they know them

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 09/12/2022 23:36

All depends who’s paying in my opinion. If you’re not paying, it’s none of your business!

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 09/12/2022 23:37

Btw if you’re more worried about people being offended than the couple enjoying their wedding day, your priorities seem a bit off.

Icanflyhigh · 09/12/2022 23:40

If you're paying for it all then fine, but if not, none of your business.
You may not like the answer whatever. We had more friends than family at our wedding as frankly our families are a bunch of freeloading aashats who'd turn up to the opening of an envelope if there was a free drink/buffet in it for them. Haven't seen majority of them in years.....

curiousbanana · 09/12/2022 23:40

If your intention is to ask them to change or add to the guest list, then do not do it.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 09/12/2022 23:41

My mum was adamant that relatives that I barely knew (or in one case had never met) should be prioritised over my friends. But I wanted to spend my wedding day surrounded by people important to me who were present in my life. It just caused a row to be honest.

Fraaahnces · 09/12/2022 23:44

who’s paying for this shindig? They have to a right to ask.

WhistlingInWhistler · 09/12/2022 23:45

What would you do with the information? I can't see any positive outcomes tbh.

curiousbanana · 09/12/2022 23:45

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 09/12/2022 23:41

My mum was adamant that relatives that I barely knew (or in one case had never met) should be prioritised over my friends. But I wanted to spend my wedding day surrounded by people important to me who were present in my life. It just caused a row to be honest.

Same. I didn't invite various cousins/uncles that I didn't have much of a relationship with and only saw every few years.

My mum was upset that I'd chosen to invite friends - who I see daily/weekly and love very much - over them.

I told her that's fine, its a shame you're upset. But this is my wedding and I want to invite people I love. Not various blood relatives that I rarely saw and wasn't close to.

She tried to insist, and continued to hassle me for months. It put so much additional stress on to me, and I've never forgotten it.

Original poster
mdinbc · 09/12/2022 23:46

We gave about 3000 pounds, but with no stipulations. I do realize MIL role is to put on a nice dress and a smile... but we will have to live with consequences of one aunt being invited but not the other, sister not talking to brother, etc...

I tend to be a peacekeeper in the family, and would offer more money if it meant keeping everyone happy, but right now I don't know who is invited or not.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 09/12/2022 23:48

What happens after you see it and don’t agree with it? It’s not a good rabbit hole to go down and it’s their choice who they invite. Also the fact it’s a small wedding is also their choice

Cas112 · 09/12/2022 23:49

I think you need to keep your nose out. It's not your wedding so no checking the list for you

FettleOfKish · 09/12/2022 23:49

We had 50 guests & 12 of them were family. We surrounded ourselves with people that we love and value and people that love and value us on our Wedding Day, not people that we just happen to share DNA with.

You would be unreasonable to ask to see the guest list, because what good comes of it? Will you start questioning why they haven't invited Auntie Doris or Cousin Marge? If the Bride & Groom wanted them there, they would be invited already.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 09/12/2022 23:49

asking to see the list if they are paying for their own party is certainly rude and disrespectful.

if they are wanting to keep the guest list below 50 then I would expect no more than 10 relatives from each side of the family absolute maximum, but in a lot of weddings you'd have a situation where inviting immediate siblings and parents plus their partners got you to near this limit, and if you added in all the aunts, uncles and first cousins you would definitely go way over so you therefore don't cast the net that wide.

there's no way any couple would rather have a dozen cousins there rather than a similar number of actual friends, if the numbers are that restricted.

you could offer "if I gave you £5,000 would that be enough to expand the guest list to include cousins, uncles and aunts - and would that be something you would like" but if money isn't the issue and they just want to keep it small then you have to be graceful to accept their no thank you. but a relative who is so entitled as to feel "offended" by not being invited needs to grow up. no one owes anyone an invitation.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/12/2022 23:50

It’s their wedding and it’s up to them who they invite or don’t. It’s not about YOUR relationships with distant aunties or cousins.

curiousbanana · 09/12/2022 23:53

If they want a small wedding and the venue is small, then absolutely do not say anything.

You cannot expect them to invite out of obligation people they do not want there, over the people they truly want to invite.

That would be putting your own feelings above their right to have the wedding they want.

Which is what my mum did.

DPotter · 09/12/2022 23:53

It's really not your role to keep the peace between your son and any relatives he has chosen not to invite.

You can quite happily say to the aunts that the modern way is for the bride and groom to control the invitation list and they've kept it very small. END OF CONVERSATION with put out auntie. I'm just inside the generation were the bride's mother controlled all aspects of the wedding day - venue, menu, invitation list, bridesmaids, and a very large say over the dress. But then the bride's parents paid for everything.

Please don't ask to see the invitation list - that way you preserve your alibi to the aunts and aren't tempted to request any additions.

chineapplepunks · 09/12/2022 23:54

If family/friends question why they're not invited say something like "It's not my wedding so I don't know about the guests, would you like me to ask why you're not invited?" At the end of the day it's up to the couple who they invite and it's their day so it should be people they want to spend time with!

Changingplace · 09/12/2022 23:55

You can ask but what will you do if you dont like it?

Its not your wedding, and if my MIL had complained about the guest list at ours I would’ve returned any gifted money if it was only given under the obligation to invite anyone we didn’t want there.

Keep out of it :)

PMAmostofthetime · 09/12/2022 23:55

mdinbc · 09/12/2022 23:34

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

Tbh for my wedding I told my parents and in-laws that I wild not be inviting anyone who o did not speak to on a regular basis.
If I Don my speak to them regularly then I'm
Not paying £70+ for food for them and losing a spot I could use for someone I'm close with.
As for children, I always end up looking after them so no children rules was my rule too aside from weddings party.
It's their wedding- their marriage and ultimately their choice.

NerrSnerr · 09/12/2022 23:56

It's not your wedding. Let them have what you want. If anyone asks tell them the truth, it's not your wedding so not your guest list.

Luellie · 09/12/2022 23:57

Stay out of it, and then you can tell any offended party that you had no clue about or control over the guest list

Crabbi · 10/12/2022 00:02

It’s their wedding, you’ve given them a nice gift. It’s up to them who they invite. My parents always said, please don’t worry about invites to people, it’s your day, make sure you do it as you want to. Invite who you like, have a great day. Don’t feel obligated to invite people to pacify the family at the expense of not inviting the people you actually want to be there. But, my parents were lovely and just wanted the best for me, and that’s how I hope to be with my children. What do you want you children to do, be happy and invite their loved ones, or to lose out on having friends there just to pacify elders?

toastofthetown · 10/12/2022 00:02

mdinbc · 09/12/2022 23:46

We gave about 3000 pounds, but with no stipulations. I do realize MIL role is to put on a nice dress and a smile... but we will have to live with consequences of one aunt being invited but not the other, sister not talking to brother, etc...

I tend to be a peacekeeper in the family, and would offer more money if it meant keeping everyone happy, but right now I don't know who is invited or not.

It’s not your role to mediate relationships with your son and his aunts and uncles. He’s an adult. That’s between him and them. Keeping people happy isn’t your responsibility, and doing that at the expense of your son and daughter in law would be particularly unwelcome. If the uninvited family members are the type to make you ‘live with the consequences’ when your weren’t responsible for the decision in the first place, I doubt they’d be at the top of my guest list either.

It’s not always about money. They may want a day surrounded by a select few people who are closest to them, and that may well be friends rather than family.

nookierookie · 10/12/2022 00:08

Well, I can understand your point of view, but it is their day.

Consider also that your feelings might not be those of your Dd. You'd like her to come, but maybe she won't be as bothered.

The venue and day plan may not be suitable for children - I think so long as communicated sensitively, I wouldn't have an issue being the sister. "Hi sis, just a heads up that we are not having kids at the wedding. We love your kids, it's just that the day we are planning doesn't work for us and wouldn't be great for them. Sorry if that puts you in a tight spot and we totally understand if you need to skip parts of the day, though of course we really do want you there as much as you can be if you can swing it". Totally fine by me.

Equally, I suspect you know why one aunt is on the list and one isn't - it's unlikely to be a personal vendetta, surely just a question of how frequently they see one another?