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Original poster

Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

463 replies

mdinbc · 09/12/2022 23:34

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

OP posts:
Virginiaplain · 10/12/2022 08:16

Aaaaaa B&G.

Timeforachangeisitnot · 10/12/2022 08:16

Please don’t be the MIL that creates a fuss about this. It sounds like you don’t want to be.
My own MIL, who paid not one penny to our wedding, was constantly trying to take over the guest list, add more of her, never seen before, never seen since, relatives.
My mother, who was paying ( I am old), was as diplomatic as she could be but as the numbers crept up to a small army, she stepped in, and reminded MIL of the number constraints, and the need for us , as the couple, to have our own friends around us.
Anyway, their relationship never really recovered, and her entitled behaviour coloured my own relationship. Do not be that woman.

Redcisco · 10/12/2022 08:17

Are you sure it’s not just anxiety about not knowing enough people at your son’s wedding? I know with my dm this was a big concern of hers. So I made sure that she had a chance to meet with a few friends before hand, and also a few of my dhs friends which settled the nerves a bit (I mean a bit - she was still hard work). Your son (or even you) could host something beforehand like Christmas drinks/Easter bbq/bank holiday xyz with several of the guests you don’t know?

Me and dh had zero relatives except siblings and parents at our wedding and it was bliss. We also recommend no children because our venue wasn’t very child safe. Only two people brought kids and one family had to leave early because the child kept trying to run to the open water and got wet. We had one friend stop speaking to us about it and honestly we think just fuck them then. It was our day not theirs.

I know with relatives it can be the mother of the bride/groom who gets all the shit. In my case, since we didn’t invite anyone so problem solved. My cousin chose to invite everyone bar one aunty and her kids because she just didn’t like her. It was my poor nana who got all the grief for it. But she kept repeating they should ask my cousin directly about it (which of course they didn’t).

I think it would be very intrusive to ask to see the guest list but you could gently hint toward getting to know the guests - the people important in your sons life - a bit better.

whatayear22 · 10/12/2022 08:17

Feel like this is a reverse

ememem84 · 10/12/2022 08:17

This happened to DH and I when we got married. Mil insisted all her friends were invited and also wanted to invite fils sister (who none of them had spoken to for 20 years because of a fall out re inheritance) as a sort of family reunion.

my mum insisted I invite great aunt and uncle who I’d not seen since I was 4. They are important apparently. My question to her was if they’re that important why don’t we visit when we visit grandma…? (They live nearby apparently)

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 10/12/2022 08:18

Cantbebotheredwithchores · 10/12/2022 07:29

Does your DD have children?? Aka your sons sister?
That's the only part I agree with you on. If my sibling or husbands sister didn't want her niece at her wedding that would be it for me!
My SIL had a child free wedding only my daughter (as she's immediate family) was invited

Most kids would rather sit a maths test than go to a wedding so it's not fair to drag kids to weddings, there is nothing in it for them and it's torture. I'm sure there are some functions you go to where kids aren't able to go. It's weird that some people are obsessive about needing their children to be invited to every single thing even when they're clearly not child-friendly. I don't understand people like that.

cupofdecaf · 10/12/2022 08:20

My mum had a word when my brothers wedding was no children. It would have meant my husband couldn't go. Also I thought it very odd that they didn't want my children there (their god children and kids they see loads of).
It wasn't a smooth discussion and they asked us why. We explained travel etc would mean me going on my own and having to leave early to get back to a breastfeed baby. They offered a nanny for the day but I said I'm not leaving my children with a complete stranger. They'd just settled into a new nursery and had a lot of disruption.
Frankly they were clueless of what they were asking of me. The children did go in the end. Despite endless sweets they were very well behaved. Husband kept the baby outbid the church during the service in case he cried.
I saw other people just brought their uninvited kids, I would have been livid if that'd happened and I'd left my husband at home for childcare reasons.

JRHartley72 · 10/12/2022 08:20

So they show you the list and it's mostly friends. Then what? Do you plan to throw a fit/get upset/take back your £3k so they are forced to invite who you want them to? If you do, that's basically you telling them their happiness and wishes are less more important than you feeling a bit stressed that some distant aunt might be offended. In the words of MN, and I say this kindly, give your head a wobble and keep out.

LlynTegid · 10/12/2022 08:20

You can ask, they can decline. Probably better to ask about anyone who you meet regularly who might be invited or not, so you know not to mention the wedding if they are not going.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 10/12/2022 08:21

autienotnaughty · 10/12/2022 07:33

I'd speak to your so casually and just mention you wondered who was invited on your side as you don't know who you can talk to the wedding about. And yes if I was ur dd I'd be very offended if my kids weren't invited. But ultimately the fall out with family is theirs not yours.

How can you be offended at a child not being invited to a childfree wedding? That's the whole point. Weddings aren't for children, they're torture for them. It's selfish to bring children to weddings. Most children would rather sit a maths test than have to go to a wedding. It's no fun for them. I don't understand how adults don't see this.

JRHartley72 · 10/12/2022 08:21

Argh, forgot to delete the 'more'. I meant, their happiness and wishes are less important.

zaffa · 10/12/2022 08:21

mdinbc · 09/12/2022 23:34

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

It depends on your relationship. We had a small wedding, but I made sure to ask PIL if they had any relatives to prioritise inviting (as I did with my parents).
I am close to both sets of parents though, my MiL came with me to choose a wedding dress.
If you are not close to your DIL, that may be tricky.
Does your son have Nieces / nephews that are not welcome under the no children rule? DH doesn't have any but there is no way PIL would have not commented in that scenario (although it would have been hugely out of character for us to do such a thing)

RampantIvy · 10/12/2022 08:21

@IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 I think in many cases it is difficult because all the childcare options are at the wedding, so the invited person has to decline because they can't get childcare.

JRHartley72 · 10/12/2022 08:22

cupofdecaf · 10/12/2022 08:20

My mum had a word when my brothers wedding was no children. It would have meant my husband couldn't go. Also I thought it very odd that they didn't want my children there (their god children and kids they see loads of).
It wasn't a smooth discussion and they asked us why. We explained travel etc would mean me going on my own and having to leave early to get back to a breastfeed baby. They offered a nanny for the day but I said I'm not leaving my children with a complete stranger. They'd just settled into a new nursery and had a lot of disruption.
Frankly they were clueless of what they were asking of me. The children did go in the end. Despite endless sweets they were very well behaved. Husband kept the baby outbid the church during the service in case he cried.
I saw other people just brought their uninvited kids, I would have been livid if that'd happened and I'd left my husband at home for childcare reasons.

I'd have been annoyed if I was your brother and his wife. Their wedding, their wishes, but none of his family cared what they wanted.

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/12/2022 08:22

It’s not your wedding so you have no right to ask.

We had a highly curated guest list. It caused offence,12 years on I don’t regret it.

I wasn’t inviting people who had consistently acted like dicks to dh just so their mum wasn’t offended.

Grimchmas · 10/12/2022 08:22

Dacadactyl I hadn't taken into account different family traditions and possibly cultural differences, I admit.

My mother has told me how much of a nightmare her mother was when she was getting married often - she'd ring up in the morning just before mum left for work with an "emergency" which turned out to be that she'd thought of some random distant person that mum hadn't seen in years and that my dad had never even heard of who "simply must" be invited because they would be terribly offended. My mum clearly thought that was bonkers and I agree, so I assume that my mum wouldn't pull that shit on me, although as she has got older I can see the chances of it happening increasing..!

If I ever do get married I will likely be paying for it myself with perhaps a small contribution from my parents. I wouldn't take it if it came with conditions to invite people I'm not close to though, that's not my idea of what a wedding for me and my partner should involve and i find it difficult to imagine that others feel they should invite people they don't even know/ever have anything much to do with, to their weddings.

(I'm glad you clearly had a wedding you were happy with and I'm sorry I was grumpy, I shouldn't post before I've had coffee!)

Dacadactyl · 10/12/2022 08:24

@Grimchmas We are both white British but of Irish descent.

We have an Irish outlook when it comes to weddings for sure though.

lifeinthehills · 10/12/2022 08:26

It's not your responsibility if people are offended by not being invited. That sort of thing, and any consequences, are your son and soon to be DIL's decision.

I wouldn't go to a sibling's wedding if I had to travel and couldn't bring my children but, again, that is not your problem. The bride and groom make their decision, your DD makes her decision, and everyone needs to just accept the other's decision.

Dacadactyl · 10/12/2022 08:26

And, no problem @Grimchmas

RampantIvy · 10/12/2022 08:28

I'd have been annoyed if I was your brother and his wife. Their wedding, their wishes, but none of his family cared what they wanted.

You have no right to get pissy when people decline the invitation because they can't get childcare or have a BF baby. Did you miss that bit?

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 10/12/2022 08:28

141mum · 10/12/2022 08:03

Hi, we probably a similar age, when DH and I got married we had to have all the Aunts, Uncles, and hangers on, what a waste of money it was.
When mine get married, as long as they happy they can have who they want and we will help financially, honestly don’t worry, if you feel awkward just say you had no involvement in planning, ALTHOUGH, it does make me lol, no kids, fine, but wait until they have their own !

@141mum Why would having their own kids change things? Most people in favour of childfree weddings are those who have kids, and know that they don't belong there! Most of us are more pro childfree because of being a parent. These days hardly anyone has kids at weddings.

EasterIssland · 10/12/2022 08:28

Don’t think this go well. What you’ve to remember is that it’s their day. If you want a party with relatives then arrange it yourself. Even if you paid for the wedding I don’t believe you dictate who has to be there. It’s their day at the end of the day. A celebration of their love with the people they love the most

AnotherSuperHeroe · 10/12/2022 08:29

Fully agree with you, when we got married none of my cousins were invited as I don’t hear from them at all (despite me reaching out over the years) so my view was regardless of who had contributed money I wasn’t paying for you to eat and drink at our expense when I never see you - been married nearly 5 years and have only seen some once or twice

MulderSmoulder · 10/12/2022 08:35

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 10/12/2022 08:21

How can you be offended at a child not being invited to a childfree wedding? That's the whole point. Weddings aren't for children, they're torture for them. It's selfish to bring children to weddings. Most children would rather sit a maths test than have to go to a wedding. It's no fun for them. I don't understand how adults don't see this.

Show quote history

What utter rubbish. I took my children to a wedding last year and they had a brilliant time, they still talk about it. Maybe you’ve just been to some really boring weddings.

FlamingJingleBells · 10/12/2022 08:36

You can casually ask who’ve they invited but Don’t ask to see the list. After the wedding, arrange a family celebration, at your expense, to introduce the happy couple to the wider family.

Also remember that some guests might decline an invitation which would free up spaces later.