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Original poster

Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

463 replies

mdinbc · 09/12/2022 23:34

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

OP posts:
My2pence2day · 10/12/2022 01:30

RosesAndHellebores · 10/12/2022 01:25

As a recent MIL I think a wedding is the joining of two families.

DS and DIL were given a budget and a number limit 120. The parents on each side invited about 20 guests (small families) including god parents. I’d have been very disappointed if either of the young people had kicked off about family being invited.

the family’s split the cost and each have rather more than £3k. If weddings are small there has to be less licence for parents and I think if they especially want x y or z they have to stump up the funds.

This is a great approach

JorisBonson · 10/12/2022 02:35

No it's not. Don't be that MIL. Stay out of it.

InWalksBarberalla · 10/12/2022 02:43

Why are you asking from a MIL perspective? Aren't you the mum of the son getting married? Why wouldn't you talk directly to your son. Either way it's strange - it's their wedding and their guest list. If people want to get their noses out of joint about invites point them in your son's direction (not your future DILs).

BrightSaturn · 10/12/2022 03:08

This is why I want to elope 😂

allboysherebutme · 10/12/2022 03:27

Maybe ask them, if I gave you the money, could i invite a few more people. X

CatSeany · 10/12/2022 03:40

The idea that it's you who has to live with the consequences is wrong. I think the vast majority of people understand why they can't be invited as a whole family to a wedding and wouldn't cause a family fall out over it. My in laws wouldn't stop trying to meddle with our list after they saw it. Kept saying it was embarrassing that partners of cousins that we never saw weren't invited etc. All of those people ended up getting married before us as it happens, and only my partner was invited to the weddings (which we were obviously fine with).

Grimchmas · 10/12/2022 03:40

You seem to be asking because of your need to people-please, and not out of love or concern for the couple.

Please let your son and daughter in law have the wedding that they want, and find a way to not let your coping strategies for your insecurities become their problem.

stevalnamechanger · 10/12/2022 03:52

Are you paying for it?

I would rather have friends than random not close family at my wedding

kingtamponthefurred · 10/12/2022 03:59

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

I would find such a request intrusive, but I am not young and I doubt that I would qualify as a lady.

Babyenroute · 10/12/2022 04:18

If you are worried about keeping it even in terms of invites (not one aunt without the other), remember that whoever is invited on your side should really be invited on her side too, so it opens more floodgates than you may be considering.

We had so many disagreements with my DH family about invites but didn't change our minds. And on inviting children- they totally change the dynamic of a wedding. We didn't invite children either.

starrynight21 · 10/12/2022 04:21

I paid for DD's wedding. All I said was " I can afford to pay for about 60 people. Invite whoever you like". That is all you can do.

You need to step back and stop trying to keep everyone happy - it isn't you job to do that. If anyone questions why Auntie A was invited but not Auntie B, just say that it was the couple's choice, nothing to do with you.

Sushi7 · 10/12/2022 05:21

Why don’t you just ask your son which of his family members has he invited? Is the guest list evenly split for the two of them? Not really fair if bride invites her entire family and friends and your son invites 5 people out of 50 etc. But you don’t know if this is the case because you haven’t asked your son who he has invited.

How old is your dd's dc? If she’s breastfeeding then it’s unfair for the couple to expect her to turn up without the baby. If her dc is 5 years old then she’ll have to abide by the ‘no children’ policy.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 10/12/2022 05:21

No, it’s their wedding, not yours.

If you see it, you’ll only feel like you have to try and change their minds, and then you’ll be that MIL.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 10/12/2022 05:24

And child-free weddings are absolutely fine. Kids bump up the numbers very quickly, so childfree at a small wedding is perfectly understandable

MRex · 10/12/2022 05:29

mdinbc · 09/12/2022 23:46

We gave about 3000 pounds, but with no stipulations. I do realize MIL role is to put on a nice dress and a smile... but we will have to live with consequences of one aunt being invited but not the other, sister not talking to brother, etc...

I tend to be a peacekeeper in the family, and would offer more money if it meant keeping everyone happy, but right now I don't know who is invited or not.

I see it a bit differently, in that it is about approach. You could ask your son for a list of which family from your side have been invited, so that you know who you can talk with about accommodation etc. Who else is there isn't your business. At 50 people and mostly friends, that will be a short list! If you perceive hurt feelings then let him know "Just a head-up, there is a risk that aunt X will be offended that you invited aunt Y but not her." After that you need to leave the couple to it.

prisscalledwanda · 10/12/2022 05:30

You aren't trying to see the guest list, you are trying to influence it. Please don't. My parents in law did something similar (years ago) and when we think about it it still rankles. It's not your wedding so you don't get to choose who goes. It is their wedding so they should have the guests they want.

SunshineAndFizz · 10/12/2022 05:41

No it's not your wedding.

Bakergram · 10/12/2022 05:42

mdinbc · 09/12/2022 23:46

We gave about 3000 pounds, but with no stipulations. I do realize MIL role is to put on a nice dress and a smile... but we will have to live with consequences of one aunt being invited but not the other, sister not talking to brother, etc...

I tend to be a peacekeeper in the family, and would offer more money if it meant keeping everyone happy, but right now I don't know who is invited or not.

I'm sorry this will sound harsh but honestly, you sound as if you want to be over involved in a day that’s not about you or the aunts/uncles who will be “offended”. Let the couple have the people they want there.

Dont ask about the guest list. Turn up, smile and enjoy the day.

MyEasterEggs · 10/12/2022 05:44

This is why we cancelled our wedding. Still unmarried 8 years on!

It’s so hard trying to please everyone. We had MIL on one side and my sister, who I’m not especially close with, making demands on the other. So we started a family instead, partly fuelled by fertility challenges but the entitled behaviour of family members definitely influenced our decision.

We’ll run away in the next year or so after this final pregnancy is over!

Daisy4569 · 10/12/2022 05:45

We invited more friends than relatives and had a great time, it was perfect and just the way we wanted it. It’s not all about the money, it’s about the atmosphere and filling the day with people you love, who know you and who you want to spend time with (which is always incredibly short on these occasions)

My mum is normally the peacekeeper in our family but I held firm on it, she ended up actually being relieved and having a great time not having to spend the whole day/night looking after family. She also went with the ‘it’s not my wedding so you’ll have to ask daisy’ approach… which nobody ever did. No idea if great aunts and cousins twice removed are offended as I don’t speak to them on a day to day basis.

alotoftutus · 10/12/2022 05:53

Definitely don't ask. You'l find out who is invited when the invitations go out. You are asking in order to change their list if you don't like it not out of curiosity. That's not ok.

My MIL added so much pressure on to us - well me about who "had to" be invited - this even included her friends partners. She gave us 2k and it was clearly money given so she could have some control, rather than money to help us have to say that WE wanted!

Meddling in the wedding will only lead to a relation breakdown with your son and his soon to be wife. Stay out of it.

EasterIsland · 10/12/2022 05:59

I think it would be ok to have a word with your son about how the “ no children “ affects his sister, and has he thought this through? But other than that, try not to interfere.

Then you can honestly say yo anyone who means at you (uninvited aunts) that you had nothing to do with the invitation list and any complaints should be directed towards your son and DiL.

I get the feeling of worrying about being the piggy in the middle - it’s not fair, really, but you’ve got a built in answer to family complaints. Your son and DiL should be responsible for their choices - you don’t need to take the flak for them. Maybe a comment to your son along these lines might be possible?

IncompleteSenten · 10/12/2022 06:11

Why?

You aren't in charge of the guest list.

It's not like you can tell them to change it.

Anyone who isn't invited happens to complain to you then tell them that the guest list was the choice of the couple and nothing to do with you so please don't involve you in it.

You don't need to see it so you can start contacting people who aren't on it. It's simply not your problem.

Margo34 · 10/12/2022 06:18

Yes I'd be annoyed (and I was, my MIL asked)! My MIL is wonderful but can't bear the thought of not knowing all the details. She 'needed' to know guest list, flowers, colour scheme, menu, accommodation, next day plans, night before plans, travel arrangements etc etc. It was stifling!! I gave her a specific job to get her teeth into and that satisfied her - supporting our overseas family with their holiday plans for immediately after our wedding.

My DH and I paid for our wedding as well, so yes we retained all decisions for ourselves.

Basics got given to MIL: yes,we've sampled the food and chosen our menu, it's great food! Yes, the registrar will arrive at the time of our wedding, yes we're getting married in a barn at 3pm, yes there's a band booked, yes - the time they'll arrive is evening, yes - we've done the guestlist, yes - we're inviting friends and immediate family. No- we're not inviting children or distant relatives that the other half hasn't met in the 10y we've been together. No - you're friend isn't on the list.

Sadly DH broke on that last point and MILs friend was invited (2nd wave) having never met me before, following becoming a widow, invited to cheer her up and I stupidly agreed. Said woman arrived, didn't once say hello or congratulations to either of us and left 20m into the sit down meal without telling anyone, not even guests she was seated with!!! MIL was absolutely fuming with her friend and hasn't spoken to her since 😂 friend wrote to MIL and said she had to leave because of her dog needing dinner. I later found out that she'd also asked the venue/catering staff if she could take pudding with her!!!!! MiL is still mortified that she insisted so hard on her friend being invited.

cushioncovers · 10/12/2022 06:21

Agree with others stay out of it. Your contribution was towards food, the venue the dress etc not up have a say in who's invited. If relatives get upset at not being invited you need to be polite but firm in letting them know it's the bride and groom's decision.

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