Page 19 | Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

mdinbc · 2022-12-09T23:34:40+00:00

Asking from a MIL perspective. Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either... Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended. Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

Scarriff · 13/12/2022 22:38

I think the op isn't interested in other views any longer.

girlmom21 · 14/12/2022 07:32

Scarriff · 13/12/2022 22:38

I think the op isn't interested in other views any longer.

She never was

jamoncrumpets · 14/12/2022 08:00

mdinbc · 12/12/2022 18:01

Holycow, This thread has gone OOT. From my DH being accused of being mad, and me being accused of being intrusive and sexist.

The fact is that DH is a doting and sentimental grandfather who assumed the family would be invited to our son's wedding. Son is 'the fun uncle' IFKWIM, the one always wrestling and playing with them while we are together, so we were suprised and sad to hear the 4 kids wouldn't be involved. No other children on DIL side, none of their friends have kids yet.

The other fact is that my son is a lovely young man with a beautiful loving fiance, and we are over the top to have her as part of our family. He has always been the most laid-back of my kids, and tends to do what makes others happy, including his bride. Yes of course it is his day as well, but brides do tend to have more interest in wedding details.

And we are not making any demands, we gave the money for the wedding as we did for our daughter 7 years ago. They can have a huge wedding, or elope, we don't really mind. The money is for them to have a lovely wedding of their choice. It would mean the world to us to have GC included, and we would offer more to have them, but not if it creates a conflict for them.

If it is only our family with no kids, then that is 6 people. GC would add 4. If it includes aunts and uncles, then it is 15 out of 50 total. We are not making any demands for friends or cousins, etc. The thing is, right now, we don't know who is on the list. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask. I've already warned my sisters that they may not be invited, but DH's sister is already asking what hotel to book, and what is the date.

We do plan on having a word with our son. I won't be commenting further on this thread. Thank you all for contributing.

I had this exact shit from my dad when I got married. He was so annoyed that I didn't invite my aunts and uncles. Just parents, siblings. Close friends. We only had 25 people at our ceremony and meal and aunts and uncles totalled 12. Parents/PIL/Stepparents would've totalled 7. I'm sibling heavy. That would have been nearly all of our guest list on my side of the family.

I have said my whole life that I would never have a big wedding. I'm autistic, socially anxious and agoraphobic. 25 (50 at disco) felt manageable to me. And it was important that I could manage because I was the bloody bride!

I was still a ball of anxiety on the day but at least I got down the aisle.

Dad basically never forgave me and gave me 1/5 of the amount he gave Dsis for her wedding. His choice, I guess. I'll remember it though.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/12/2022 08:26

We do plan on having a word with our son

Countdown to family rift in 3,2,1.

MRex · 14/12/2022 09:37

Dad basically never forgave me and gave me 1/5 of the amount he gave Dsis for her wedding. His choice, I guess. I'll remember it though.
I was 100% with you doing the right thing for you up until this. Quite apart from it being his money not yours, your dad gave your sister money to pay for all those extra guests who he wanted to have invited. You didn't have the people, so you didn't have the expense. Utterly bizarre that you think he should pay you money you didn't even spend on the wedding!

jamoncrumpets · 14/12/2022 17:42

MRex · 14/12/2022 09:37

Dad basically never forgave me and gave me 1/5 of the amount he gave Dsis for her wedding. His choice, I guess. I'll remember it though.
I was 100% with you doing the right thing for you up until this. Quite apart from it being his money not yours, your dad gave your sister money to pay for all those extra guests who he wanted to have invited. You didn't have the people, so you didn't have the expense. Utterly bizarre that you think he should pay you money you didn't even spend on the wedding!

We paid for 80% of our wedding ourselves.

Wimin123 · 14/12/2022 19:26

Personally I love seeing children at a wedding 🙂

Wouldlovetobeinthesun · 15/12/2022 07:47

We were given a similar amount by my parents. I don't remember being asked who was invited but I also wouldn't have been offended to be asked. If you are close to your child/ren, it's a ridiculous notion that you shouldn't ask who they've invited.

N1no · 17/12/2022 19:06

It depends, I have an uncle who made my life hell as a child and young adult. There is no way I would invite him for an extra £1k. It would have to be at least 100k and I would consider it.

luckylavender · 03/01/2023 15:59

cupofdecaf · 10/12/2022 08:20

My mum had a word when my brothers wedding was no children. It would have meant my husband couldn't go. Also I thought it very odd that they didn't want my children there (their god children and kids they see loads of).
It wasn't a smooth discussion and they asked us why. We explained travel etc would mean me going on my own and having to leave early to get back to a breastfeed baby. They offered a nanny for the day but I said I'm not leaving my children with a complete stranger. They'd just settled into a new nursery and had a lot of disruption.
Frankly they were clueless of what they were asking of me. The children did go in the end. Despite endless sweets they were very well behaved. Husband kept the baby outbid the church during the service in case he cried.
I saw other people just brought their uninvited kids, I would have been livid if that'd happened and I'd left my husband at home for childcare reasons.

Has your relationship recovered?

FictionalCharacter · 03/01/2023 16:03

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 09/12/2022 23:37

Btw if you’re more worried about people being offended than the couple enjoying their wedding day, your priorities seem a bit off.

This. Sorry OP, but it’s their day and you should keep your beak out. Any risk of offending anyone is theirs to take. If they offend someone it’s their business not yours.

cupofdecaf · 03/01/2023 16:13

Luckylavender id like to think it wasn't especially harmed in the first place. They just didn't realise it was impractical for me to leave a breastfed baby 2-3 hours away on a bank holiday weekend. The timings meant I'd have missed the speeches even if I'd gone on my own so I could get back for bedtime (baby feed to sleep at the time).
I felt really bad about it because it was their wedding and I wanted them to have the perfect day for them. We did compromise with baby not being in the church during the service so no noise.
What struck me was how many people just brought kids regardless. Not many went to the reception so they clearly weren't invited/ expected. The bride said her main issue was children making a noise in the service so she wouldn't have liked it (though church service is open to all).

antipodeancanary · 03/01/2023 16:23

Yeah its there day. But there will be family complaints if people who think they should have been asked weren't asked. And those disgruntled people usually contact the mother of the bride or groom to make the complaint.
OP do not entertain these calls as you have had no say in the guest list. Zap the young couples contact details over to the disgruntled asap. They get to ask who ever they want, but they don't get to opt out of handling any disappointment they cause.