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Original poster

Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

463 replies

mdinbc · 09/12/2022 23:34

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

OP posts:
Pantsomime · 10/12/2022 00:15

you do need to keep out of it, it’s not your party or guest list- repeat that to your relatives

StClare101 · 10/12/2022 00:16

Stay out of it and if Aunty Jane is offended she can take it up with the hosts.

Rogue1001MNer · 10/12/2022 00:17

Are you worried the grooms desires are being ignored over the bride's
Or
Is this about what you want?

Crosswithlifeatm · 10/12/2022 00:23

Step back.
You gave them some money so do you really want to fracture relationships with your son and daughter-in-law over THEIR wedding?
Leave the headaches and apologies to them,buy a dress and enjoy.

JenniferBarkley · 10/12/2022 00:26

I wouldn't ask to see the guest list but I think it's fair enough to have a chat with your son and ask him who's invited from the family so you can gently out the word out if the answer is no one.

FWIW, I think not inviting DNs is awful, as is leaving out extended family that your son is close to or would've been close to growing up, but I'm not British so maybe that's cultural. I wouldn't say anything though, it's not worth falling out.

Soontobe60 · 10/12/2022 00:29

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 09/12/2022 23:36

All depends who’s paying in my opinion. If you’re not paying, it’s none of your business!

I paid a significant sum towards my DDs weddings. I didn’t expect to be involved with the guest list!

deeperthanallroses · 10/12/2022 00:31

Can I see the guest list is very formal. Can’t you ask your son who in the family is invited so you don’t get caught with very awkward conversations? You can definitley say darling with your sister she may be upset about it being child free, some parents love it but many find it very challenging, they have to find childcare or if the baby is very young they feel like they are basically being told not to come. I’ve heard enough friends in my time ranting about their family and friends who they think obviously don’t actually want them to come as they have no babysitters so they can’t, that I really think you need to call and say you hope they aren’t too inconvenienced and you really really hope they can come or similar, it’s not fun when people are upset about weddings. You could I think also nicely say ok so aunty Jane is and aunty cath isn’t, do you mind my asking if we could find extra money to give you to invite her would you consider it? (But don’t ask this 5 times over the next few weeks hoping for a different answer)

healthadvice123 · 10/12/2022 00:32

Leave them to it and if they offend people thats on them, just say sorry i had no say in invited speak to son etc
Ok having childfree wedding bit if your own nieces and nephews are not invited thats a bit tight and also they can't be offended if they don't come due to no childcare etc

maddy68 · 10/12/2022 00:33

No. Don't ask. It has nothing to do with you I also had a child free wedding which massively pissed off my brother to the point he didn't come. Fair enough. His decision the same as mine not to have children no resentment on either side

That's how adults behave.

My brother and I are still very close but respect each others decisions

deeperthanallroses · 10/12/2022 00:34

I should add my advice above doesn’t hold if his sister has a baby who is under 6m old and you know she’s breastfeeding and won’t leave a baby that age, in which case you should tell him honestly she can’t leave her baby so it would be more honest of you to send a note to your sister saying you don’t want her to come to your wedding and you don’t care if she’s upset. That’s the reality of sending a child free invitation, most people make an exception for tiny babies because they actually do like their friends and family, so don’t pretend you are inviting her when actually you’re telling her she’s unimportant and can fuck off. Just my two cents 😁

healthadvice123 · 10/12/2022 00:37

I would never go to my brothers/ sisters wedding if my kids aren't invited as they are there family and if not welcome then thats fine but I would not put myself out to go either ,

Pinkieismyname · 10/12/2022 00:40

We gave in to pressure and my in-laws had friends of theirs invited who we didn't know at all. My BIL even took it upon himself to invite his own friends to our wedding, first thing we knew about it was when they sent me their rsvp!! I'm still cross over it 38 years later I allowed it to happen 🫣. Well not cross obviously but still annoyed enough to say you should stay out of it.

Emmalou0607 · 10/12/2022 00:43

We kept out numbers low but had a far larger amount than I would have invited from my side... this was okay because my parents paid for a significant amount of the wedding. (80% my parents, 19% us, 1% DH parents) so we felt it fair. Are you paying towards the costs if there are people you want to attend so they aren't upset if it's you that is worried?

SomeBeings · 10/12/2022 00:48

I'd suggest not getting involved at all. If anyone asks you who is invited and if anyone complains to you tell them that it's not your wedding and you aren't involved in the guess list at all. If they carry on complaining then tell them to stop and make it clear that you aren't not going to get involved.

ChocolateBauble · 10/12/2022 00:49

mdinbc · 09/12/2022 23:46

We gave about 3000 pounds, but with no stipulations. I do realize MIL role is to put on a nice dress and a smile... but we will have to live with consequences of one aunt being invited but not the other, sister not talking to brother, etc...

I tend to be a peacekeeper in the family, and would offer more money if it meant keeping everyone happy, but right now I don't know who is invited or not.

If your family are the type who will fall out and argue and get easily offended over invites to a wedding, to be honest are you really surprised that some of your family will be unlikely to be invited?
Its the couples special day, they should have the people they love and care about and not have people who sound fuelled by drama. You will also come across as a drama queen if you ask to see the list. Leave it to them and enjoy the day.

PizzaPizza56 · 10/12/2022 00:53

And this is exactly why people don't get on with their MILs!! Obviously no you cannot see the guest list unless they choose to share it with you and you shouldn't have any say over who is invited. Asking them or making comments will just rub them up the wrong way.

If you wanted your money to come with strings attached you should have said this to them at the start so they could choose whether to accept the money or not!

NumberTheory · 10/12/2022 00:55

SomeBeings · 10/12/2022 00:48

I'd suggest not getting involved at all. If anyone asks you who is invited and if anyone complains to you tell them that it's not your wedding and you aren't involved in the guess list at all. If they carry on complaining then tell them to stop and make it clear that you aren't not going to get involved.

^^ This is the way to go.

I think, given what you want to achieve, asking to see the invite list is likely to negatively impact your relationship with your DS and your DiL. You could potentially ask DS if he would be happy to invite a small number of relatives if you pay for them, but it is most likely more than the cost per head that is limiting the invite list.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/12/2022 00:56

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invitedoys of people spend way more time with friends than family so it makes sense that they would invite friends first.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this
Are you only interested in the opinions of "young ladies"?

flflflf · 10/12/2022 00:57

i think people are being a bit unfair here. huge rifts can be caused by excluding certain people from weddings, and not necessarily in the situation that the people themselves are arseholes. for example, inviting one cousin but not their sibling. etc etc. it's shit. there are ways to diplomatically negotiate a few people and I think in some cases it's only fair to at the very least give a word of advice or have a chat about it. even if you end up coughing up yourself for people.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/12/2022 00:58

Also, all the money in the world wouldn't have changed our guest list. I'm incredibly private. I didn't want anyone there who I would have to make small tall with, anyone there whose surname I didn't know etc.

minsmum · 10/12/2022 01:00

We have just gifted to money to my dd and her partner for their wedding, not our business who they invite or anything to do with the wedding. Our job is to smile and say that is lovely, their wedding their choice

Irishfarmer · 10/12/2022 01:03

Firstly you won't be asking as a 'MIL' you will be asking your son as his mother. He should know. I wouldn't have liked my now MIL asking me who was invited to the wedding on their side.

I wouldn't ask to see the guest list that sounds like you want to have an input just ask your son who from your family is invited.

My2pence2day · 10/12/2022 01:06

It's their wedding, let them do what they want. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people! Everyone wants an invite it seems (and on their terms).
If MIL is so desperate, let her throw them an engagement party or a party after their wedding and she can invite whoever she wants

Changingplace · 10/12/2022 01:13

even if you end up coughing up yourself for people.

Its not always about money, I didn’t want tonnes of people I didn’t know (and neither did my DH) at our wedding, I couldn’t have cared less if anyone else offered to pay.

They weren’t invited because we didn’t know them well enough, not because we couldn’t afford it.

RosesAndHellebores · 10/12/2022 01:25

As a recent MIL I think a wedding is the joining of two families.

DS and DIL were given a budget and a number limit 120. The parents on each side invited about 20 guests (small families) including god parents. I’d have been very disappointed if either of the young people had kicked off about family being invited.

the family’s split the cost and each have rather more than £3k. If weddings are small there has to be less licence for parents and I think if they especially want x y or z they have to stump up the funds.

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