Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

[mdinbc]

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

I actually think it’s pretty shitty of you to suggest I can’t come from a loving family because I’m not close to random in-laws, @RosesAndHellebores. I love my family very much. My cousin’s daughter - who would be a distant relation in the eyes of many - is getting married next year and my siblings and I will be there for the full day. However, neither the invitation or my attendance is a matter of obligation. Her mother was like a big sister to me growing up; I met her when she was a day old, babysat her as a child and have been part of all her big milestones. That’s why I’m invited and why I want to go - and to me, that’s worth much more than being asked because “It’s what you do with family”.

I was married 45 yrs ago. Small wedding and I will always regret having more family there than friends. I invited family to please my parents and in laws and only had six friends there. I did draw the line when MIL had about another six she wanted to invite. When I was telling her " no" my fiance hid in the toilet he knew she'd be mad. We were only twenty at the time. I said you only see these relatives at funerals and weddings but she thought that was the right place to see them. Let the bride and groom invite their friends they'll be in their life far longer than your family will. It's their day and their memories. Stay out of it.

I just wonder if there is something wrong with your husband @mdinbc that he would be almost in tears that children couldn't attend a clearly Adults Only event. It seems worrying to me that he thinks children should be taken to functions that are clearly Adults Only. That would be a red flag to me. Is there something wrong with him? Or does he not understand that weddings with the riske speeches, alcohol, formal events etc are clearly not for children? He sounds very, very strange. Weddings and children are like oil and water. Does he not understand the difference between children and adults?

This all sounds a bit sexist. You blame you daughter in law for getting carried away, and now your daughter in law is overwhelmed?

where do your son in this? A passenger? I hope you didn’t raise him to stand by and leave it all to the women folk??

and your husband does sound a little odd to be so upset over his grandchildren not being at the wedding. It sounds very much like emotional blackmail.

I don't think any of this is sexist, it's a fact that women tend to plan the weddings and men don't really give a shit about place settings, guest lists etc. It's just a fact that women tend to plan the weddings so naturally the Op would defer to the DIL because men really have no part in the planning, lets be honest that's just reality.

I think you are being more than a tat OTT.

Many people view weddings as religious / family events, and the joining of two families, families include children. Have you never heard of flower girls or page boys - aka children given formal roles at a wedding?

It's really not unreasonable to expect your DD and her children to be welcome at your own DSs wedding. A wedding where those children gain an Auntie, and hopefully a marriage which will produce them some little cousins in due course.

or sad that he can see a falling out occuring between his 2 kids and issues arising in the future.

Even if the groom isn't responsible for planning the wedding, he is accountable IMO for whatever decisions are made in regards to his family members being invited/not invited.

If me and DP were to get married, I would be asking him to advise who from his side should attend. Obviously this is mostly about who we want to be there to celebrate our marriage, but there is also an element of family politics and ensuring that no one is going to be offended (or at least if they might be we have a good reason e.g. destination or small wedding). He's better placed to do that for his family than I am.

I think there's where the sexism comes in, because OP is making this a MIL/DIL issue, not mother/son.

I can’t imagine having had time in my twenties to plan a wedding on my own! I was building a career : I would have demanded the man I was marrying carry his share or the burden.

society has drummed that into so many women it’s bloody depressing. So this little mother in law is annoyed at the little daughter in law and her son apparently hadn’t got the ability to input or have an opinion!!!!

he sounds like a real catch. I foresee this mil blaming the dil for every missed birthday card etc because that’s women’s work while her special little soldier isn’t expected do do any life admin! And the father in law cries every time something doesn’t go his way and that again is the daughter in laws fault!! because no man could possibly take a role in anything other than cutting the grass or servicing a car!

it will never change unless people wise the fuck up and blame men as much as they blame women.

And this is hands-down THE strangest post that has appeared on this thread to date. Properly bizarre.

I see what you're insinuating through these passive aggressive, disingenuous words - mealy-mouthed enough no doubt to allow for plausible deniability should anyone seek to challenge you on them - but let me tell you they are completely transparent, not funny, and not clever. Red flags? Give over.

FWIW I do think OP's DH's reaction was OTT. But this is completely disproportionate, and one hell of a sight weirder.

Weddings and children go together like love and marriage and a horse and carriage. There, fixed it for you, the person who mentioned oil and water in relation to weddings and children. Weddings used to be a family thing, first and foremost, with friends as welcome, but secondary, guests, and in some communities, that hasn't changed. The Op's husband might be a family-orientated man who is a doting grandfather and I sort of see where he's coming from. I was really disappointed that out of politeness, lots of our friends didn't bring their children to our wedding, I'd have welcomed them there, all part of life's rich tapestry!

I don't have children and didn't have children at my wedding, does that mean my wedding or my love is somehow incomplete?

Holycow, This thread has gone OOT. From my DH being accused of being mad, and me being accused of being intrusive and sexist.

The fact is that DH is a doting and sentimental grandfather who assumed the family would be invited to our son's wedding. Son is 'the fun uncle' IFKWIM, the one always wrestling and playing with them while we are together, so we were suprised and sad to hear the 4 kids wouldn't be involved. No other children on DIL side, none of their friends have kids yet.

The other fact is that my son is a lovely young man with a beautiful loving fiance, and we are over the top to have her as part of our family. He has always been the most laid-back of my kids, and tends to do what makes others happy, including his bride. Yes of course it is his day as well, but brides do tend to have more interest in wedding details.

And we are not making any demands, we gave the money for the wedding as we did for our daughter 7 years ago. They can have a huge wedding, or elope, we don't really mind. The money is for them to have a lovely wedding of their choice. It would mean the world to us to have GC included, and we would offer more to have them, but not if it creates a conflict for them.

If it is only our family with no kids, then that is 6 people. GC would add 4. If it includes aunts and uncles, then it is 15 out of 50 total. We are not making any demands for friends or cousins, etc. The thing is, right now, we don't know who is on the list. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask. I've already warned my sisters that they may not be invited, but DH's sister is already asking what hotel to book, and what is the date.

We do plan on having a word with our son. I won't be commenting further on this thread. Thank you all for contributing.

Can't say that I blame you @mdinbc, after the really strange turn your thread has taken. I wish you all a wonderful day, whatever form it eventually takes, and a long and loving relationship with your new DiL.

I hope your relationship continues to be good with your son and daughter in law OP. I note you have painted your DIL as the architect of all this and your son as the people pleaser going along with her plan just to keep her happy.

lots of MIL’s do this. Blame everything on the DIL. You say it isn’t sexist - but it’s hard not to view it that way. Maybe it’s just that you are a bit old fashioned in your outlook.

enjoy the wedding - I am sure it will be lovely no matter how many guests there are.

No, of course not, @JorisBonson. I just took offence at someone else saying that weddings and children were like oil and water, as I don't think that's true. I think weddings where there are children participating are more fun. Nothing to do with completness of love, I find that a strange interpretation of what I said.

I think your Dil sounds like a total Bridezilla.

On what basis?

I don't disagree with you OP, about it being nice if the children were invited. I didn't exclude children from my wedding and haven't gone to weddings where my newborns couldn't come. However, whatever your husband wants, it's not his wedding and not his decision. You'll just have to accept the decision of the couple, even if you disagree.

One thing in your most recent post did stand out to me though:

He has always been the most laid-back of my kids, and tends to do what makes others happy, including his bride.

I'd be careful about this thinking. It has an edge of potential to blame the DIL for what is equally your son's decisions. Men are not helpless followers of their wives. He is not just doing things to make people happy. They choose their own action or inaction. If you start to fall into blaming your DIL for your son's actions or lack thereof, you're in dangerous territory and, in my experience, risk your relationship with the couple and their maybe eventual children.

You probably won't be back OP

But I just wanted to say to you that maybe you need to consider that your DIL not your son is the people pleaser. She invited her MIL to do dress shopping, maybe she also initially went a bit wild on bridesmaids and engagement shoot in an effort to please before deciding she wanted to rein it all in. And maybe she wanted a very intimate venue and not to have to worry about it being unsuitable for kids.

Might not be right at all. But your posts do have a bit of a bias - it's ok, everyone does.

Where on earth did you get that from?

Dil is a woman, mil is unhappy with wedding plans. Therefore dil must be I. The wrong!

groom is a man so he won’t be interested in any wedding arrangements. FIL is crying because the invite list doesn’t include his grandchildren. Again that is nothing to do with his son - it’s Ann the woman’s fault.

weddings are womens work. Men are lovely big emotional messes. Women are manipulative bitches!!

You already seem to know that you are not going to like that list - so don't go there, it is their day. Instead, could you consider hosting (and paying for) a wedding celebration party not too long after the event where everyone dresses up again and all of the rellies can be invited? May be a solution.

Wedding preparation does tend to be fractious, but no one has a "right" to be invited. Yes it might be easier for you if your children/grand children were invited, but the B&G have made their decision.

My DH has no family to speak of, FIL didn't come to our wedding, BIL was busy with his hobby so those relationships are none existent now.

I chose not to invite 2 aunts, neither of whom had ever met DH, I know that raised eyebrows, but frankly, I couldn't have cared less.

My son and his fiancee are also getting married next year and keeping numbers to around 50. Their invitees are also mostly friends, and they are only inviting family members they really want. We fully support them. Neither they or we care whether family members are offended or not: it's their wedding and they can do whatever makes them happy. We are substantially contributing to the cost of the wedding but still think it's none of our business who they invite.