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Original poster

Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

463 replies

mdinbc · 09/12/2022 23:34

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

OP posts:
Choppies · 10/12/2022 07:43

Why is all the responsibility put on the DIL rather than your son?? My MIL is like this and I’m sure she blames me for the fact she only sees us once a year - I just leave it up to her son to organise the visits……

but to answer your question - it’s not your place, stay out of it is my advice. A wedding guest list can be stressful for a lot of people and then having others critique the choices you agonised over will not go down well.

ShandaLear · 10/12/2022 07:44

The only possible reason you could have to see the guest list is to complain about it. You are a guest. It is not your wedding and you don’t get to make the decisions about who to invite. If people are offended all you need to tell them is you had nothing to do with the guest list as it wasn’t your wedding. And remember that your son is still your key contact - you don’t need to make the DIL the main family contact.

Lifeisapeach · 10/12/2022 07:48

Why would they invite one aunt but not the other? I guess because one they are not close to? If that’s the case then that’s completely acceptable to differentiate.

Unless you are paying for the meal I would say you don’t have a say. It’s their day. Why should they invite people they don’t want there to save your face?

FormerlySpeckledyHen · 10/12/2022 07:50

Best for you to stay out of it completely, then you can’t be responsible for any family ructions over it.

HelloBunny · 10/12/2022 07:50

I think it’s up to the son to organise his side of the family. My DH complains that “we” don’t see his mother enough. It has nothing to do with me!

CBG34 · 10/12/2022 07:52

mdinbc · 09/12/2022 23:34

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

Have you tried asking them why they're keeping it small? It could be budget reasons, but they might also just not feel comfortable about being centre of attention with such a large group of people (even family) so money might not be the reason...

You could make them aware some relatives who would like to celebrate their big day with them are feeling upset as that gives them the chance to respond if they want to. Equally, they might not want the hassle of trying to keep hundreds of relatives they don't often see happy!

In my experience, there's always family politics about weddings, but having an open, non judgemental chat might help

Dacadactyl · 10/12/2022 07:55

If you have given money, I think it's a fair request.

My MIL added a gang of her mates to our guest list but they had given us money towards it, so we sucked it up.

Unless you are an absolute dragon, your DIL should be trying to keep you on side in my opinion. I say this as a 37 year old DIL myself, whose in laws have provided next to no practical help with our kids, despite living round the corner.

Dacadactyl · 10/12/2022 07:58

InWalksBarberalla · 10/12/2022 02:43

Why are you asking from a MIL perspective? Aren't you the mum of the son getting married? Why wouldn't you talk directly to your son. Either way it's strange - it's their wedding and their guest list. If people want to get their noses out of joint about invites point them in your son's direction (not your future DILs).

I think OP is trying to keep her DIL on side.

This is sensible.

Her son is going to talk to his future wife about his mum asking him questions about the guest list so it's best it doesn't look like she's sneaking around behind DILs back.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 10/12/2022 07:59

I think asking who they've invited just so you're aware and don't put your foot in it with anyone is ok, but not if you then want to try and influence the invite list. You may not like what they're doing but if you can step back that would be best.

For the no kids thing, it's very much not ideal but if they're set on that maybe you can offer to help your DD to cover some childcare costs if needed and if you can, just to try and make it a bit easier for her?

Grimchmas · 10/12/2022 07:59

You sound... lacking in boundaries, Dacadactyl. It's one thing to try not to fall out with your own MIL, it's another to add her friends to your own wedding guest list. You do you, but I don't think it's normal or healthy to be saying that others should do the same, especially when they have already told the couple that the money was without conditions.

thedevilinablackdress · 10/12/2022 08:03

You're not just a MIL in this scenario. You're a mother. Speak to your son.
But Id avoid telling them who they should and shouldn't invite, it's unlikely to end well.

141mum · 10/12/2022 08:03

Hi, we probably a similar age, when DH and I got married we had to have all the Aunts, Uncles, and hangers on, what a waste of money it was.
When mine get married, as long as they happy they can have who they want and we will help financially, honestly don’t worry, if you feel awkward just say you had no involvement in planning, ALTHOUGH, it does make me lol, no kids, fine, but wait until they have their own !

JorisBonson · 10/12/2022 08:04

This thread makes me really happy I eloped.

Calphurnia88 · 10/12/2022 08:06

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

How close is your son to the family members you suspect might not be invited? Are we talking Great Aunt Mavis who writes his name in your Christmas card each year but he hasn't actually seen since 2019 (exaggerating slightly but you get the idea)? Because if I was having a small wedding I would choose a friend who is a more solid or regular presence in my life over someone I don't see often and am mainly connected to by relation. Obviously no one wants Great Aunt Mavis to be offended but you need to draw the line somewhere.

Back to your original question. I think a lot depends on your current relationship with them. Would they consider you a meddler normally? If you have a habit of interfering or trying to control other aspects of their life then clearly asking to see the invite list will (rightly) be perceived negatively.

It also depends how you handle it. If you position it that you want to see the list because you think they've got it all wrong and you want them to change it then obviously this will not go down well. If you position it as taking a general interest in the wedding, that will be better received but you still need to tread very carefully about suggesting any changes since presumably adding in new people means removing others. If you think they've missed someone crucial out, perhaps say something along the lines of 'DS I read your invite list and spotted that you hadn't invited Great Aunt Mavis. I know it's a small wedding but I just wanted to check that wasn't a mistake.' But please don't make them feel guilty if they've made a conscious decision to have a smaller wedding, it is their day after all.

NamechangeOxbridge · 10/12/2022 08:07

My DH and I eloped to a registry office precisely because of all the tiresome, anxious handwringing about which perpetually offended auntie might feel slighted. We solved it by just not inviting anyone.

Hemelbelle · 10/12/2022 08:07

You probably should have had this discussion when you agreed to pay towards their wedding, even if no stipulations. If there is anyone that you really want to be there let your son know rather than ask to see list, and have a discussion on whether it is practical for them to be included.

RampantIvy · 10/12/2022 08:08

@MillyMollyManky's post is a thoughtful and sensible one. I don't know why some of the other replies were so snarky.

I got the impression the OP doesn't want to put her foot in it which is why she asked on here.

I can also see why inviting one member of the family and not their sibling might cause bad feeling.

Dacadactyl · 10/12/2022 08:10

Grimchmas · 10/12/2022 07:59

You sound... lacking in boundaries, Dacadactyl. It's one thing to try not to fall out with your own MIL, it's another to add her friends to your own wedding guest list. You do you, but I don't think it's normal or healthy to be saying that others should do the same, especially when they have already told the couple that the money was without conditions.

Why does that lack boundaries tho? I suppose it depends on your (family's) take on weddings.

It wouldn't even enter my head to get married if I could to afford to invite masses of relatives. It's the done thing in both sides of our families and we both have huge families.

So, for me...whether or not I see a great aunt or my FILs cousin wouldn't even enter into it....they would be coming to our wedding because that's what weddings are to both of us...everyone in either side of the family comes.

My MIL wanted her friends there too. This was a bit more 🤔to me because I'd not met all of them before and I'd not thought about inviting them myself. But then i thought "the more the merrier" and the finances weren't really a big consideration at the time

Dacadactyl · 10/12/2022 08:11

That should read...it wouldn't even enter my head to get married if I COULDNT afford to invite masses of relatives.

gavisconismyfriend · 10/12/2022 08:14

if they want to keep it small then offering money to invite more guests won’t be something they want to take you up on. Also that might mean the offending the other family if there are fewer of them invited than of your family. Surely you’d be best to stay out of it then when a particular family member is annoyed you can genuinely say you had no involvement in the guest list.

Lcb123 · 10/12/2022 08:15

It’s their wedding, and their choice. I think it’s better you don’t know who is invited or not. Then you can say to family that you don’t know / not involved. If you were paying for the wedding in full, it’s a bit different.

Virginiaplain · 10/12/2022 08:15

Weddings used to be two families coming together with just a few friends.
Now it’s friends but only a few family rellies.
So I understand you wanting family to come along. Though It’s a chance for b&b to meet up with family who come from further away and you wouldn’t normally see. Whereas friends are usually seen all the time.
So a compromise is best imv.

PermanentTemporary · 10/12/2022 08:16

@WinterLobelia has it. If you have a knot of stress in your stomach at what your relatives might say to you and whether they'll disapprove or you'll disappoint them, that's for you to deal with. By far the simplest approach is to not get involved and remain an innocent in all this!

I do know that for my generation (I'm 53) who are still in transition between the parents hosting and paying for the wedding, and the couple hosting, there are still moments of difficulty with that. My MIL invited 30 people to my wedding and told us afterwards, despite us paying for it! No doubt when ds livestreams his wedding from a festival or whatever I will have some problems adjusting- it's starting to happen to my friends. If you want to, have a big dinner with your daughter and family and your son after the honeymoon, as an official welcome to your daughter in law. But you've said you know what your role is at the wedding and you're right. Enjoy the day.

whyhere · 10/12/2022 08:16

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 09/12/2022 23:36

All depends who’s paying in my opinion. If you’re not paying, it’s none of your business!

I find this genuinely interesting, as it's a conversation I've had with my daughter and son-in-law, around weddings and other things. My view is, if I decide to either pay for something on another's behalf, or give them the money to spend on it, then it immediately becomes 'theirs', and all decisions around it are also theirs. To me this is obvious - a gift is a gift - but maybe I'm unusual.

Virginiaplain · 10/12/2022 08:16

B&b

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