Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Original poster

Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

463 replies

mdinbc · 09/12/2022 23:34

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

OP posts:
CheapWine · 10/12/2022 06:22

I feel for you OP. You should be able to say to your son without offending anyone “son, who’ve you invited, it’s your day but would it be ok if Auntie Lesley was on the list?”

if I’d contributed in the 1000s I’m pretty sure my son would say yes.

i wouldn’t speak to the DIL about it, your son is 50% of the day.

cherriegarcia · 10/12/2022 06:24

If there's someone you would really like to be there you can ask if they would consider inviting that person.

You can't ask to scrutinize their guest list. That's incredibly rude.

KatherineJaneway · 10/12/2022 06:25

Don't ask then you can claim ignorance. 'No idea who is or is not invited. Best discuss with DS Name if there is an issue' and leave it at that. Stand firm.

MistletoeandBaileys · 10/12/2022 06:33

No it’s none of your business. To be honest I was expecting it to say she’s inviting all her side and none of yours. But both your son and his wife to be are inviting a mixture of people both family and friends who are important to them.

If I was his partner and you asked to see the guest list to our wedding and then ask questions about why auntie Mabel isn’t invited I would be so wary of you. It would make me feel you would interfere in other areas of our lives.

My in laws got pushy with the guest list. So much so that they would argue over it when they saw us. In the end we had our wedding the day before we went into another lockdown and only had 25 people at it. The relief we had was unreal!

Riu · 10/12/2022 06:51

It isn’t your wedding or your responsibility, so leave it to them. There is no point upsetting your son and DIL for the sake of keeping peace with wider family. And you actually sound a bit more like a trouble maker than a peacekeeper.

HomemadePickle · 10/12/2022 06:58

You can certainly ask - but since it’s too late to do anything it’s probably better to do as others have said and not see it so you can claim ignorance. You need to be very clear with your family that you’ve had no influence over the invites as (contrary to many posters on here) it IS usual for parents to make suggestions, and have a say in invites.

My parents and PIL each contributed £20k to the wedding and each got to invite who they liked (within reason - we had to know the people!) - but we had a big enough budget thanks to their contributions that it didn’t impact on the friends we wished to have there.

Roselilly36 · 10/12/2022 07:04

It’s difficult OP, I can see why it’s awkward for you, but it’s their wedding. You could mention conversation with your son re guests, but I wouldn’t ask to see the guest list. How is your relationship with future DIL, could you have a conversation with her about it?

dizzygirl1 · 10/12/2022 07:10

FGS stay out of it. Its their wedding. Throwing money and guiltily will mean that other people (probably effective strangers to the couple) are happy buy your son and dil will have a horrible day, YOU will have ruined their day. They have chosen to have 50, and they have chosen for friends who they probably see and know sooo much more than random 'family' . It's their wedding, let them choose how they want to spend their day. Beyond selfish of you.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 10/12/2022 07:16

Personally I'd rather have close friends than aunts and uncles that I barely see. But that's just me. I don't get why it's expected to invite long-lost cousins and aunts and uncles. Just have close friends and immediate family only is what I'd do if I were to get married again.

Crucible · 10/12/2022 07:16

Your gift of 3k.is lovely. If there is a particularly difficult relative,ask your son and future DIL if X is invited - tell them there have been 'hints' and you don't want to put your foot in it with who has and hasn't been invited. You need to let them know you're on their side about the list. That can be a gentle start to a conversation - be their support, and you'll do ok. It's difficult and you sound lovely
Hope you wear something fab and have a wonderful day.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 10/12/2022 07:20

Childfree weddings are the norm so I'm sure your DD has been to at least one or two of them and coped so I'm sure she'd be capable of hiring a babysitter or leaving child with father or even arrange for them to have a sleepover at a school friends house. There is always some option if her brother means that much to her. She'll manage somehow, it's called being an adult or adulting. I'm sure she isn't glued 24/7 to her DC and has to go to functions/events/meetings without DC.

WinterLobelia · 10/12/2022 07:23

Honestly, I think you might need to explore why you feel you have to be a peacemaker. Is this really a role you want? Why do you feel compelled to be so? What does 'peacemaking' look like to you? if it means that you prioritise the feelings or emotional manipulations of siblings over your son and his bride then this is not a healthy dynamic and you may wish to look into it further.

(Speaking from some experience of having a DM who thought of herself as a peacemaker which mainly meant that the rest of us had to tiptoe around the more difficult family members to our own detriment).

HoisttheMainSail · 10/12/2022 07:24

As other posters asked, I wondered why you call your self the MIL in this situation, rather that DM.

it makes me think that you are laying the blame of this at the feet of your DIL rather than your son. Surely not?

in any case, you have to ask yourself, what are you trying to achieve by asking? Is it to change the list to exclude some of their friends and invite more family? Or to just be forewarned so you can manage any tricky conversations?

if it’s the former, you are in the wrong (£3K, however generously given, does not buy you that kind of influence).

if it is the latter, then be honest and polite.

You need to think beyond the wedding. Your relationship with your son and his future wife and potential children is fat more important than pissing off Aunty Jean.

JennyForeigner · 10/12/2022 07:26

I am a peacemaker and invited aunts and uncles and endless DH extended family. They were the ones who were ungrateful (6 bottles of wine for one fat old cf, really?) rude (letched up and pinned in a corner by DH weird relative to the point I had to speak to him very firmly and tell him to let me go) or just gross (public pissing in front of the venue). Haven't spoken to any of them since and it's not even deliberate - I didn't before.

My brother is a stronger character and had a small gorgeous wedding at a register's office and in their garden. People they loved and friends only.

I wish I had done the same. The couple being thoughtful about who they want at a wedding is not a bad thing!

Cantbebotheredwithchores · 10/12/2022 07:29

Does your DD have children?? Aka your sons sister?
That's the only part I agree with you on. If my sibling or husbands sister didn't want her niece at her wedding that would be it for me!
My SIL had a child free wedding only my daughter (as she's immediate family) was invited

girlmom21 · 10/12/2022 07:29

You're asking as though it's your DIL excluding any family that aren't invited. It's not. It's your sons wedding too and he'll invite who he wants to.

TheSproutOfWrath · 10/12/2022 07:30

My MIL tried this so we just eloped and told everyone after.

JennyForeigner · 10/12/2022 07:30

Oh, and there should be no obligation at all to keep numbers even. I come from a big, close family. My husband from a small, feuding family.

The people he invited to make up numbers were universally a nightmare.

Someone could write a rom com based on the bizarre lengths and decisions people invest in when making up numbers 😆

autienotnaughty · 10/12/2022 07:33

I'd speak to your so casually and just mention you wondered who was invited on your side as you don't know who you can talk to the wedding about. And yes if I was ur dd I'd be very offended if my kids weren't invited. But ultimately the fall out with family is theirs not yours.

upfucked · 10/12/2022 07:33

You will become that ‘MIL’. My mil did something similar I had forgotten about that in among all he other entitled behaviour. It will effect your relationship with your DS and DIL and any future grandchildren.

Out of curiosity why are you saying a MIL surely it’s your son’s wedding too.

Zanatdy · 10/12/2022 07:34

You’d be better speaking to your son, just express what you’ve said here. Concern of family upset and you’re willing to add more money if it keeps the peace. Might be better inviting no aunties rather than just one

mondaytosunday · 10/12/2022 07:35

But you are the mother of one of the couple - and surely these days it's no longer 'the bride's day' but equally the groom's?
I would have no issue with parents seeing the guest list. But no demands or pressure. It's up to the couple getting married to sort out any ruffled feathers!

Iheartmysmart · 10/12/2022 07:36

Nonsense like this is exactly why we eloped and only told family we were married when we got home. It’s not your wedding so keep out of it.

MillyMollyManky · 10/12/2022 07:41

I think it's fine to ask politely who's invited- you could frame as not wanting to put your foot in it when taking to family. But you need to think ahead to what you'll do if you're unhappy with the guest list. I can see this both ways- I do think it's a little bit rough not to at least talk to you about guests given that you've paid quite a lot and are willing to pay more. OTOH there are lots of reasons people want a small wedding, not just financial- they may want something intimate irrespective of who is paying.

Ultimately I think it's their decision and as such you should be able to say to yourself that any fall-out is also theirs, not yours. In real life, of course, it's not that easy and older people often do tend to see parents as hosting weddings rather than the couple. You sound like a thoughtful person so I am sure you'll find a way through- just keep reminding yourself that you're not responsible for other people's decisions.

cptartapp · 10/12/2022 07:42

Some of the uninvited family members sound like they're going to be quite hard work about it. The fact you're so worried about the fallout speaks volumes about them. I doubt I'd be inviting them either.

PIL contributed nothing to our wedding they paid for all of SIL and wasted precious time was spent on the day making small talk with people we barely knew. Wouldn't do it now.

Swipe left for the next trending thread