Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Original poster

Fiancé said I have to cancel our wedding

183 replies

Sarah1997 · 01/07/2022 15:30

We have been together for 8 years and got engaged in December 2020. We booked our wedding for June 2023. He proposed to me and viewed the wedding venues with me. We went to view one, he said he wanted to get married there, we both agreed and booked it. The venue has been booked for about a year now, save the dates have been sent, most other things have been booked, he has chosen and asked his best man (off his own back) and guests have booked accommodation. My parents have paid for all of the deposits so far and are planing on paying for everything and my dress has also been bought by them and is now in my cupboard. He has been worried about the wedding and has told me about this but said it was fine and hed get over it. This is mainly due to the speech which he is absolutely petrified of, but also the first dance and ceremony and generally being the centre of attention for the day. The wedding booked is quite a large wedding, but he knew this at the time but still wanted to do it. He has now told me that he does not want to get married and never did. He said we have issues in our relationship and if I want him to stay and work on it together, I’ve got to cancel the wedding. He then said he does not want to get married, even though he has told me for the whole of our relationship that he did, and was aware that it was very important to me that we did. I know that this is mostly because he is worried about it, but he is adamant that he will not get married or speak to a counsellor or anything about his anxiety to do with this. It is all a huge mess and I don’t know what to do for the best. To me, if our relationship is so bad that it cannot be fixed before next June for us to get married, then we should be separating altogether anyway. I am just not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Dancingwithhyenas · 01/07/2022 15:32

I would split. I just couldn’t live with feeling on such unsteady ground. He is unreliable, what if much more serious things happen in life, he couldn’t be trusted.

DiamanteDelia · 01/07/2022 15:35

I think you need to separate out his worries about the wedding itself and about the relationship.

re the wedding- even if you have a lot of guests, you can take the pressure off. He doesn’t have to do a speech if he doesn’t want to and you don’t have to have a first dance. So to the extent that these are the issue, why not just bin them and design a day you’ll both enjoy.

Much more important are the problems with the relationship, unless you think he’s just making things up to get out of the wedding. What has he said the issues are?

Got to be honest, he doesn’t sound great.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 01/07/2022 15:37

Yes you should not be getting married to this man. Things will not change. He will not marry you.

If it were me then this would be the time to end the relationship.

weleasewoderick23 · 01/07/2022 15:38

Sorry to hear this OP, but it sounds like he's got cold feet. However, it's really unfair of him to string you along and plan a wedding that he had no intention of going through with.

I know it'll be hard but I'd finish the relationship. You can't go backwards to where you were whilst knowing it's not what he wants as it'll never be the same again.

Try and get some of your money back and make a new life for yourself. Good luck Flowers

springbreak22 · 01/07/2022 15:38

Scale the wedding down? Is it about being married or the big party? I suppose you will get your answer when you suggest just the 2 of you and a registry office...

Oldlearner · 01/07/2022 15:40

I sadly think the wedding is on off. If he's leaving if you don't cancel. However if his anxiety is real over the size of the wedding then maybe a compromise on a smaller wedding is needed. I couldn't handle a the wedding which is traditional in my husband's family/culture, we had a smaller intimate wedding which we both loved.

Ponderingwindow · 01/07/2022 15:40

If the problem is really the speech and the first dance, you don’t need either of those. If the problem is severe social anxiety and a big wedding, cancelling this far in is bad, but it’s not the end of the world. You could cancel the big wedding and go get married at a registry office tomorrow instead .

if he offered those solutions and you turned him down, then you are too fixated on the wedding and not the marriage. If instead he simply wants to call the whole marriage off, then I would be reconsidering the entire relationship.

RedWingBoots · 01/07/2022 15:41

He then said he does not want to get married, even though he has told me for the whole of our relationship that he did, and was aware that it was very important to me that we did.

OP your relationship is over.

The fact he won't marry you and it is very important to you, means you aren't suitable for each other.

WindowsSmindows · 01/07/2022 15:42

Maybe I have misunderstood but isn't he telling you that he doesn't want to get married to you?
As in, he doesn't want you to be his wife.
He wants to break up.
I think your broken heart is telling you that he's just nervous about the speech, but he's telling you he doesn't want to marry you.

Oldlearner · 01/07/2022 15:43

I should add we had no speeches. We did things our way and those who attended commented on how relaxed our day was and since we scaled it down we upgraded our menu and drinks.

MintJulia · 01/07/2022 15:44

Get him on his own and tell him you will cancel his speech, the first dance etc and would he rather get married in a registry office, just the two of you and two witnesses, who could be his parents.

It depends what is more important to you, spending the rest of your life with him or the big flashy party.

EnterACloud · 01/07/2022 15:46

Sounds like he’s having a massive freak out. you need to find out why.

  1. realised he doesn’t want to marry you, perhaps feels he’s too young? (I don’t know your ages)
  2. genuine social anxiety, seems unlikely as no plans have changed, unless his mental health has suddenly plummeted generally
  3. guilt because he’s been with another woman and wants to focus on the wedding and things being “wrong” rather than just being honest

absolutely horrible for you, I’m so sorry

Provenceinthesummer · 01/07/2022 15:50

He is saying it’s more than the stress of the wedding, he is saying there are problems and he doesn’t ever want to get married. That’s a pretty big thing to announce.

what are the problems?

I would end it, you will never be happy with this man, he can’t offer you’ve the love and security you need to have a good future together. You will always resent him for letting you down.

end your relationship op, he has misled you at best

Octomore · 01/07/2022 15:51

At my wedding there was no groom's speech, and no first dance. You can choose which traditions to include and which to dispense with. So that is no reason to call it off.

One thing that stood out to me is this: "he has chosen and asked his best man (off his own back)" Why do you have to emphasise that he chose his own best man?

Is that the only part of the wedding that he's instigated himself? Because that is an unusually small amount!! Be honest with yourself - how much input has he really had into planning this and deciding what sort of wedding you will have? You say he's "agreed to" things.... But has he just passively agreed to what you've told him will happen, or has he had proper active involvement? I suspect the former.

The relationship thing is separate - if he genuinely doesn't want to be with you, it's better that he tells you before the wedding. You need to stop pressing ahead with your wedding plans and work out what it is he's really telling you. Because this is not just about being shy.

Graphista · 01/07/2022 15:51

8 years and he only proposed 2 years ago? Unless the anxiety you mentioned re speech etc are tied to a genuine social anxiety he always has I would be thinking and advising he's actually not interested in marrying

If he has always been anxious about public speaking etc then I think it was foolish to arrange a big traditional wedding and you'd have been better off organising a small registry office do - who was the driver behind the big wedding? Honestly?

You need him to be honest if it's the wedding/social anxiety or if it's the relationship itself. But ultimately you can't force anyone to get married.

In terms of practicalities/cost the sooner you cancel vendors the better

WoolyMammoth55 · 01/07/2022 15:52

Hi OP, I'm really sorry that you're going through this - it sounds terribly stressful and my heart really goes out to you.

I've been with my DH for 20 years now, married for 10, and my advice to you and your OH is: for now, forget the wedding.

To make a long-term committed relationship work and be happy, you need to have a foundation of trust, communication and consideration for each other.

My red flags in your situation are that all this is in a mess right now. Having nerves/doubts is normal, but why didn't this get resolved in a deep chat and some mutually agreed compromises?

Why did he string you along for so long agreeing to things he didn't want? Does he feel unable to be honest? Is he trying to make you happy by being something that he's not?

There are endless, endless challenges in a marriage, some huge, some tiny. They all need to be resolved if you're going to build a happy life together. Think of this as the first big test and see if the two of you have what it takes to find a loving way forward?

If you can, get some couple's counselling before you decide what to do. But if he won't do that, with all the stakes as high as they are, then I think you should walk away.

Better now than after you're married/have kids together. You deserve someone who will be honest with you, that's the long and short of it. Flowers

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/07/2022 15:53

I would tell him that if you have to cancel the wedding then the relationship is over.
I would not be mucked about like that.

Floralnomad · 01/07/2022 15:56

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/07/2022 15:53

I would tell him that if you have to cancel the wedding then the relationship is over.
I would not be mucked about like that.

This exactly.

Octomore · 01/07/2022 15:58

The more I think about it, the more I think it's bonkers that you (you singular, because it doesn't sound as though he's had much involvement) have organised a large wedding when your partner has been telling you this all along:

"He has been worried about the wedding and has told me about this but said it was fine and hed get over it. This is mainly due to the speech which he is absolutely petrified of, but also the first dance and ceremony and generally being the centre of attention for the day."

Did his needs or wishes matter at all? Or was he just the required accessory to make your big day happen?

HideousKinky · 01/07/2022 15:58

It is better to discover he's feeling these things a year before the wedding than after you are married. Cancel the wedding and when the pressure of that has gone you may be able to discuss the issues about the relationship itself. But it may well be that it has come to an end.

Octomore · 01/07/2022 16:00

Don't get me wrong, I think he was wrong to propose if he didn't truly want to get married, but I don't think the OP is blameless here. Fixating on the wedding rather than on the quality of the relationship and the man you supposedly love is not wise.

pinkyredrose · 01/07/2022 16:00

Do you really want to marry someone so flaky?

Kitten2 · 01/07/2022 16:02

Sounds like he is telling you what he feels: he does not want to marry you.

Go your separate ways.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/07/2022 16:07

He’s said he’s worried about the relationship but you haven’t said why, I think it’s very relevant. He’s said things aren’t going well and you’ve decided it’s actually about details like the speech. Is he right that things have changed between you? Have you got a bit overly involved in the wedding itself and it’s taken over? It’s an incredibly long engagement when you’ve already been together a while. Maybe his suggestion the wedding is cancelled but that you don’t break up straight away is to do with how you’ve each approached the wedding stuff. I’d have been bored rigid thinking about a wedding over such a long time, literally years.

Original poster
Sarah1997 · 01/07/2022 16:10

Just to clarify, the venue we have booked has a small room that would only fit 60 altogether, including for the evening, and a large marquee which has a 100-160 person capacity. When we viewed, he was obsessed with the marquee and I had explained to him that this would mean we had to have a large wedding, but he was the lead in the venue choice.

In terms of relationship issues, he has said there is something missing that he wants to work on, but he said he doesn’t know what.

I was happy to have the small wedding, he was the one who selected the ‘large wedding’ options. I have also explained to him that he does not have to make a speech, or we could do one together or have a photo presentation instead, HE said he wanted to do the speech but it would ruin his day thinking about it.

The reason I say he chose the best man off his own back is that I had originally suggested we kept planning to ourselves as we are both private people and didn’t want people involved in helping to plan. I had said we didn’t need to choose people for ‘roles’ until next year, but he asked his best man months ago as he was so excited about this.

OP posts: