Fiancé said I have to cancel our wedding

[Sarah1997]

We have been together for 8 years and got engaged in December 2020. We booked our wedding for June 2023. He proposed to me and viewed the wedding venues with me. We went to view one, he said he wanted to get married there, we both agreed and booked it. The venue has been booked for about a year now, save the dates have been sent, most other things have been booked, he has chosen and asked his best man (off his own back) and guests have booked accommodation. My parents have paid for all of the deposits so far and are planing on paying for everything and my dress has also been bought by them and is now in my cupboard. He has been worried about the wedding and has told me about this but said it was fine and hed get over it. This is mainly due to the speech which he is absolutely petrified of, but also the first dance and ceremony and generally being the centre of attention for the day. The wedding booked is quite a large wedding, but he knew this at the time but still wanted to do it. He has now told me that he does not want to get married and never did. He said we have issues in our relationship and if I want him to stay and work on it together, I’ve got to cancel the wedding. He then said he does not want to get married, even though he has told me for the whole of our relationship that he did, and was aware that it was very important to me that we did. I know that this is mostly because he is worried about it, but he is adamant that he will not get married or speak to a counsellor or anything about his anxiety to do with this. It is all a huge mess and I don’t know what to do for the best. To me, if our relationship is so bad that it cannot be fixed before next June for us to get married, then we should be separating altogether anyway. I am just not sure what to do.

[minou123]

Maybe it's because I'm old, long in the tooth, cynical and been round the block, but I'm not buying what he is selling.

The anxiety excuses are just that, excuses.
He has said he doesn't want to marry you, but the anxiety excuses are to make him look good and you look bad. He can now twist the story:
"it was sarah1997 who wanted the big wedding when she knew I didn't want that" etc etc

I'm so sorry, he is a prick for organising a wedding with you and now backing out.

At the moment he has you walking on ice, not knowing if he will or won't marry you.
My advice: don't let him control you this way. Tell him to get out.

[NumberTheory]

If you really think this is just his anxiety talking then cancel the current wedding and work with him/give him time to work on that. Then come back to the idea of getting married in a year or whatever and going for a registry office one or a trip to Vegas or some other option that suits you both that doesn't require years of planning.

I wouldn't stay with him if he won't deal with his anxiety, though. This won't be the only time it turns your life upside down.

But he's also talking about there being something missing in your relationship and weddings can bring that into sharp focus. So if the anxiety isn't the real reason, but just exacerbated by the stress of realising marriage is perhaps not the right thing to do for him, that's a much more tricky issue. Whether to try counseling or just cut your losses is a difficult judgement to make. Some people get cold feet but it's just nerves. Some people want to move on after a while, and you've been together a while.

The 7 year itch used to refer to marriage, but that was when people often got married quickly and didn't move in together before hand. So take this bit seriously too. It may be the relationship has run its course and it's better to get rid of someone who's no longer that into you sooner rather than later.

[Coffeetree]

He has absolutely not said, "I'm hesitating about the wedding plans because of social anxiety. " You say he's showed some worry about this earlier, but that is not the reason he's now giving you. He's telling you that he does not want to marry you because your relationship has too many problems.

I'm really sorry OP but it sounds like you've projected enthusiasm into the plans and he's very cowardly allowed it to go on.

[Notodaynotever]

If it was just the wedding I would work with this. But he says something is missing. I think this is a timing issue. You got together too young, he committed too young and now he does not know who he is without you. He's missing a part of himself-the part who would not have pushed for the very wedding he didn't want. He needs to grow up and have some new experiences. That said, he's behaving very badly which in itself backs up the truth of what he's saying - he's not fit for the task here, not yet. I can't imagine a way back from this for you both. Best case scenario you take a year apart and date others during that time. He realises this is the life he wants and comes sheepishly back. You decide if you still want it.

It sounds unbearably painful. I'm so sorry. Getting married to someone who isn't keen is awful and not remotely worth it. I'm sure your family aren't happy either.

[Oldlearner]

Seen your updates, Im sorry your dealing with this but I too would be ending the relationship.

An old friend did similar to her fiancé but a lot closer to the wedding..turned out her head had been turned. She got with the guy pretty much a week after she broke off the wedding. they are still together now with a child it's been about 5 yes now

[Midlifemusings]

I know someone who called it off a week before the wedding and someone who called it off one day after the wedding. A friend of mine ended her engagement about 4 months before the wedding. Similar to you, they had been together since their teens and lived together for 4 years and in her mid 20s she just realized that she had gone along with expectations without really questioning it too deeply until the wedding date and 'forever' started to get very real. Your guy calling it off a year ahead is a way better option. Both men and women end engagements for a wide variety of reasons. As hard as it is, far better to break up when you are unmarried and childless.

[Driftingonawave]

Don't marry someone who isn't desperate to marry you. You're so young and have so much time to find someone who won't string you along.

[Purplecatshopaholic]

Sorry op, this man does not want to marry you. Nothing to do with the type of wedding , that a red herring. He Does Not Want to. At. All. Please end it and keep your dignity and the chance that over time you may be able to be friends - hanging on in there is just going to end in pain, hurt, tears, and acrimony.

[Goingforarun]

I’m sorry that it’s turned out this way for you. It’s over. Wedding plans are like a truck rolling down a hill they pick up speed until you feel you can’t stop. but of course you can and he did. Not now but sometime in the future you’ll be so glad he called a halt.

[midsomermurderess]

He’ll never not throw ‘I never wanted to get married’ at you if you stick with this relationship, if you do subsequently marry, have children. Obviously not easy, but the doesnt sound like a man to build a stable and secure future with. What else isn’t he telling you that’s lurking beneath the surface, that he hasn’t go around to admitting yet?

[Spohn]

Wedding details are not relevant. He has told you he does not want to be married. You can keep him as a casual boyfriend if you want, or, go and enjoy your twenties.

[Graphista]

My ex and I got together and married at similar ages.

While the marriage lasted 10 years honestly I think we were too young and didn't have the life or relationship experience to have made that decision

It works for some but rarely I'm guessing you were each other's first serious relationship?

[Spohn]

Boyfriend should obviously be the one who arranges cancelling and telling everyone.

[C152]

I would cancel the wedding. Do it now, before you have to pay out anymore money. I appreciate that may mean you/your parents will lose the desposits and money you've already spent on the dress etc., but it's a lot cheaper than going ahead with it and ending up divorced a year or so down the line. Personally I would also end the relationship. He thinks 'something' is missing, but can't say what it is? Well, that's pretty shit. How can you work on something when you don't know what the issue is? On the other hand, it's brave to admit you don't want to go ahead with a wedding when deposits etc have already been paid. I wish I'd been brave enough to do that! Take him at his word - he's told you he doesn't want to get married and there are issues in the relationship. It must be terrible for you, but you've got to find a way to move forwards now.

[Seeingadistance]

@Thursday37

This has red flags all over it. You we’re together when you were still children. It’s run it’s course. Let him go.
If you forge ahead you’ll be divorced within 2 years.

Yes I’m a cynical old cow, but I’ve seen it all before. It’s over I’m afraid, he has got cold feet for a reason. Don’t waste all that money.

I agree with this, I’m afraid, OP.

You have been together since you were very young, and it’s just not right for him now, or you but you haven’t realised that yet. Time to accept that you had something good, but you’ve grown up and apart and it’s time to go your separate ways. Better now, than later.

[Clarinet1]

The details of the wedding here are things that could be changed if there was communication between the two of you but I don’t think
you’ve got that and, in that case, what chance would a marriage have? I’m sorry OP but, if he’s said he never wanted to get married, he’s probably not going to change his mind; Would you in believe him if he did?

[Viviennemary]

He should be more open and tell you he wants to split up if that is indeed what he wants to do. . Or does he want you stay together and not get married. Then you can make a decision as to what you want to do. Sounds like a classic case of cold feet. Wrong of him to let it get this far with the bookings and even worse that it's not his money that will be lost if it gets cancelled.

[Blinkingbatshit]

Oh, I’m sorry, what a miserable position to be in. Yes, I think you probably need to call time on the relationship. If he’s not sure it’s not worth it. Explain gently also that he is liable for paying 50% of the cash your parents have spent back - to have watched them spend good money when he hasn’t intended to follow through is also unforgivable. Hold your head high, move on and find a better life without him. Be strong.

[IrisVersicolor]

You’re both young, he’s a twat, it’s cheaper to pull out now than go through with it and divorce. So yeah, move on.

[RedWingBoots]

Or does he want you stay together and not get married.

@Viviennemary and OP if he his plan is to do that then he's using the OP until a "better" offer comes along. This could be in 2 years or even worse in 15 years when he's ensured he doesn't have children with the OP (presuming she wants children).

[limitededitionbarbie]

@Blinkingbatshit

Oh, I’m sorry, what a miserable position to be in. Yes, I think you probably need to call time on the relationship. If he’s not sure it’s not worth it. Explain gently also that he is liable for paying 50% of the cash your parents have spent back - to have watched them spend good money when he hasn’t intended to follow through is also unforgivable. Hold your head high, move on and find a better life without him. Be strong.

This sums it up.

Your still young. Don't waste anymore of your life on him.

Can you book a holiday with friends or sone time away with friends.

[mairerua]

You are so young, don't waste future years on this. You will find someone who really wants you and will go to the ends of the earth to have you. It is a dress and deposits at the end of the day, they aren't worth marrying for. Take the pressure off, ask him about finances, it's a bit much to want the big expensive wedding but to expect your parents to fork out for all of it. Ask him to pay towards the cancellations, maybe 50/50. Begin again if he does and see if anything can be salvaged. Also I don't agree that he has messed you around, relationships are not set in stone, he is expressing his doubts, that's real. It's not about the wedding, it is about the marriage. A cancelled wedding is much less painful than a failed marriage.

[Mememene]

I actually don't think he's a twat, he is having second thoughts and told his fiance exactly that. He's been honest I have to respect that, far better to be honest about his feelings than to walk into a marriage he's not sure about that will only make the divorce lawyers rich. I'd be trying to find out what he's trying to work on, sounds a bit vague.

[OneFootintheRave]

I'm so sorry OP but you can never trust him to be straight again. It sounds like he just hasn't got the guts to speak the truth and just went along with things.

It's game over, cut your losses.