Fiancé said I have to cancel our wedding

[Sarah1997]

We have been together for 8 years and got engaged in December 2020. We booked our wedding for June 2023. He proposed to me and viewed the wedding venues with me. We went to view one, he said he wanted to get married there, we both agreed and booked it. The venue has been booked for about a year now, save the dates have been sent, most other things have been booked, he has chosen and asked his best man (off his own back) and guests have booked accommodation. My parents have paid for all of the deposits so far and are planing on paying for everything and my dress has also been bought by them and is now in my cupboard. He has been worried about the wedding and has told me about this but said it was fine and hed get over it. This is mainly due to the speech which he is absolutely petrified of, but also the first dance and ceremony and generally being the centre of attention for the day. The wedding booked is quite a large wedding, but he knew this at the time but still wanted to do it. He has now told me that he does not want to get married and never did. He said we have issues in our relationship and if I want him to stay and work on it together, I’ve got to cancel the wedding. He then said he does not want to get married, even though he has told me for the whole of our relationship that he did, and was aware that it was very important to me that we did. I know that this is mostly because he is worried about it, but he is adamant that he will not get married or speak to a counsellor or anything about his anxiety to do with this. It is all a huge mess and I don’t know what to do for the best. To me, if our relationship is so bad that it cannot be fixed before next June for us to get married, then we should be separating altogether anyway. I am just not sure what to do.

[Octomore]

Tbf, They probably couldn't have got married in 2020 because Covid. And then 2021 and 2022 had the 2020 backlog of weddings to clear (lots of deferred bookings). So the delay might be no-one's fault.

[caringcarer]

You must be heartbroken OP, but better to know now how unreliable he is than when you are pregnant. I would ring up venue and ask about their cancellation policy. Can your parents get any refund? I would separate and have nothing more to do with him. He has string you along for 8 years. He has taken 8 of the best years of your life and given you back nothing but heartache and grief. Move on and find a more genuine person. Cancel any bookings quickly photography, cake etc. I hope you are not buying a house together or it will be awkward.

[Albgo]

@WindowsSmindows

Maybe I have misunderstood but isn't he telling you that he doesn't want to get married to you?
As in, he doesn't want you to be his wife.
He wants to break up.
I think your broken heart is telling you that he's just nervous about the speech, but he's telling you he doesn't want to marry you.

Sadly I think this too. You should break up with him OP. He's wasted your time.

[Sarah1997]

We didnt book the wedding straight away due to uncertainties with covid, so booked for the year after to be on the safe side. We are 25/26 currently and got together when we were 17, hence us being together so long before we got engaged. I am far from the type that wants a big fancy party and he chose the venue anyway, at the time, I was looking at a farm venue with a small capacity which he was not keen on.

[Octomore]

Your follow-up paints the opposite picture to your OP.

I think you need to accept the relationship is over. He doesn't want to marry and never did. You do. That's not something you can compromise on.

[Octomore]

Tbh though, I'd have dumped him for this:

HE said he wanted to do the speech but it would ruin his day thinking about it.

I hate martyrs.

[Octomore]

You're so young! You have all the time in the world to find someone who actually wants to marry you.

[MandaX]

I would say if he can pay everyone's deposits back then he can cancel it himself, then I'd be packing his bags. What a coward.

[Portonic]

Why don't you have the kind of wedding you both want? Why should he have to do some naff "First Dance" with everyone gawping? Why should he have to give a speech??? It's his wedding too. He shouldn't have to do the parts that make him cringe. Surely you can manage to plan a happy day with a party that YOU both like and not follow stupid non-traditions which are sometimes a load of bollocks.

[RubricEnemy]

He is telling you that he wants to break up. I'm so sorry, OP.

[SpiderinaWingMirror]

I assume you are 23/24. Is DP the same age? If so, I think listen to him. I'd cancel the wedding and think about what you both want out of life.

[DelosParks]

This isn't about speeches. If it was he would be suggesting a small wedding or eloping.

[MissConductUS]

@DelosParks

This isn't about speeches. If it was he would be suggesting a small wedding or eloping.

I agree. Stick a fork in it, it's done.

[NeedleWielder]

I also had a boyfriend who freaked out about the guests, the speech, the people looking at him…I told him it could just be the two of us and witnesses and yet he wouldn’t set a date.

He dumped me a year later.

[ThreeRingCircus]

If I'm being honest he sounds like a flake. Time for a very serious chat:

1. Does he not want to get married, ever?
2. If so, why has he strung you along and why has he been involved in wedding planning?
3. What exactly are the issues in your relationship that he's referring to?

To be honest though from an outside perspective it seems like you've met young, he's gone along with things because it's comfortable and what's expected of him and now reality is finally setting in. If he can be this much of a flake over big things what happens when you have children, or one of you gets ill, or loses your job, or a relative dies etc? I just don't think I'd be able to trust him or rely on him again.

[2catsandhappy]

Tell us about your engagement. How did that come about?
Was it quiet, just the two of you? Who asked who? What was his involvement?
Maybe there is a clue there as to how he really likes to do things.
Or maybe he has just outgrown the relationship. He would not be the first to get cold feet at the thought of settling down.

[CPL593H]

@RubricEnemy

He is telling you that he wants to break up. I'm so sorry, OP.

I agree with this. The changes of mind and flaking out are an indication of something else going on with him IMO. He's already alluded to problems in the relationship. Has he even said what these are, for him?

It is hard, but really better you find out now than after the wedding.

[Acheyknees]

Why do you have to cancel it. If he doesn't want to get married he needs to speak to your parents, who have paid out money. He also needs to contact the guests, why is it YOUR job?

[lking679]

Sorry to be blunt but I don’t understand the question, you obviously can’t carry on with the wedding as the groom won’t be there?! So get it cancelled. I’d let him do the explanations to your parents and guests!
If you mean if the relationship is to last long term I think you need to get the wedding cancelled and take it from there to see if it is the wedding that’s freaking him out…. but if being married is important to you and he never wants to be I think you have your answer.

[Buythebag40]

Dump him, before he dumps you is my advice - that is what he is surely gearing up to?

If he loved you and wanted to be with you he would ultimately get over his "jitters" as he wouldn't want to do something so horrible as cancelling it all at the last minute. It sounds like he's making excuses to convince himself to end it.

[Thebeesting]

Very tough and feel for you

[TheLadyGrayson]

He says there’s something missing from your relationship and it needs working on, but doesn’t know what?!?!?!

Sorry but fuck that. You deserve better.

[Buythebag40]

And yes - he should be the one to explain to everyone why the wedding isn't going ahead. If he doesn't he's a massive coward.

[Maurepas]

Could he perhaps have coaching on public speaking; making speeches and even get books about it with examples of wedding speeches to give him ideas what to say and how to say it? Tell him it is an ''educational experience'' for him that will give him more confidence. Otherwise - if it is not the speech , then you have been told. But he seems like an idiot to do this now after all this time.

[TheOriginalClownfish]

I think your relationship is over. Whether he's panicking or not, he's refusing to do anything to alleviate his panic over this and he's being clear that even if you did work through the vague issues he says you have in the relationship, marriage is off the cards.
You say that it's always been important to you.
So for that reason I don't think you'd be happy down the line if you stayed.