Fiancé said I have to cancel our wedding

[Sarah1997]

We have been together for 8 years and got engaged in December 2020. We booked our wedding for June 2023. He proposed to me and viewed the wedding venues with me. We went to view one, he said he wanted to get married there, we both agreed and booked it. The venue has been booked for about a year now, save the dates have been sent, most other things have been booked, he has chosen and asked his best man (off his own back) and guests have booked accommodation. My parents have paid for all of the deposits so far and are planing on paying for everything and my dress has also been bought by them and is now in my cupboard. He has been worried about the wedding and has told me about this but said it was fine and hed get over it. This is mainly due to the speech which he is absolutely petrified of, but also the first dance and ceremony and generally being the centre of attention for the day. The wedding booked is quite a large wedding, but he knew this at the time but still wanted to do it. He has now told me that he does not want to get married and never did. He said we have issues in our relationship and if I want him to stay and work on it together, I’ve got to cancel the wedding. He then said he does not want to get married, even though he has told me for the whole of our relationship that he did, and was aware that it was very important to me that we did. I know that this is mostly because he is worried about it, but he is adamant that he will not get married or speak to a counsellor or anything about his anxiety to do with this. It is all a huge mess and I don’t know what to do for the best. To me, if our relationship is so bad that it cannot be fixed before next June for us to get married, then we should be separating altogether anyway. I am just not sure what to do.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

The thing is, even if you delay the wedding, its always going to be in the back of your mind that he may pull out at some point.

I'd ask him outright "do you want to marry me and be my husband for the rest of our lives?"

[TolkiensFallow]

Oh love! This is horrible to go through. Is he often flaky or is it just the wedding? You can’t go through the next year with him holding control over you.

I would be concerned that “the thing that is missing” is his opportunity to sow some oats…you’ve been together so long that it might be your only proper relationship.

Heartbreaking as it is. I would get out now. He could easily string you along until your 30 and then it becomes harder to meet someone, get married etc …and if you want kids to beat the biological clock. I know too many amazing women who got dumped in their early 30’s after 10-15 year relationships thinking that they would marry and have kids…then found it too hard to meet anyone. Don’t let that happen to you.

[Thursday37]

This has red flags all over it. You we’re together when you were still children. It’s run it’s course. Let him go.
If you forge ahead you’ll be divorced within 2 years.

Yes I’m a cynical old cow, but I’ve seen it all before. It’s over I’m afraid, he has got cold feet for a reason. Don’t waste all that money.

[RedWingBoots]

We are 25/26 currently and got together when we were 17, hence us being together so long before we got engaged.

You are still young.

You also aren't listening to him. The fact he's being flaky and stating something is missing, means he doesn't want to marry you.

So you need to go your separate ways, enjoy being a single woman with no worries, and during that enjoyment find someone who actually wants to marry you.

[hatinacat]

I'm sorry you're going through this but I think you need to cut your losses.

In situations like this, I always imagine what a sane and decent person would do. Worried about speeches and being the centre of attention on the day? Discuss it with your other half and make a plan you are both happy with. Work on the relationship? Don't cancel the wedding but discuss it with your other and articulate what you're unhappy with. Come to a solution together.

He's not doing any of this. You'll cancel the wedding and I can guarantee he'll be out of the door within a few months.

I wasted my early 30s on a complete and utter flake who strung me along for too long. Knowing what I know now I wouldn't waste any time on someone like this. Unfortunately for me, I thought that love would conquer all. It didn't.

Mid twenties is such a brilliant age. Please don't waste time on this. Make a decision and move on. Your future self will thank you.

There are a lot of old birds like me on these threads who will give you some great advice. Please pay attention to what some of us say. I wish I had Mumsnet back in the day!

[Butchyrestingface]

What a fucking Cadbury's flake. Sack him right off.

I say that as someone who would sooner be dead than have a big wedding with speeches and hunners of guests. But I KNOW that, and wouldn't dream off pushing for a big wedding only to use the stress of it as an excuse not to marry my intended.

[Mumsnut]

I suggest that the something missing from your relationship becomes you, double quick. Maybe he will wake up when he realises what he's lost, and you can go ahead with the wedding, maybe he'll never even look back. But you have to do it.

[LadyAnnabelsTapestries]

When a man says he does not want you to be his wife, instead of thinking 'he doesn't mean it' or 'what do we have to do to fix this' or 'maybe he'll change his mind' instead hear the words: 'I don't value, respect or love you enough to honour you and stay with you till death' and 'You're not worthy enough for me to really choose you'

Cause that's essentially what it is and you will one day be dumped after accepting being second best.

Do the dumping first, cut your losses and leave for a man who really sees your value. Another 8 years won't change anything. Don't be that girl. I speak from bitter experience.

[goldengirlsoncraic]

Reads to me like he proposed because that was the logical next step.
Then the realisation has set in and he doesn't want to get married.

But he doesn't want to be the bad guy.
I think you need to tell him,he does the cancellation and he repays your parents.

Good luck op.

Then dump him when he does.

[noirchatsdeux]

I met my first husband when I was 17, we married when I'd just turned 21. If I could go back in time, the first thing I'd do is go back and give myself a damn good slap across the face for being so stupid ... we were both far too young. Our marriage lasted 2 and a half years...I was divorced before I was 24.

Life is (hopefully) very long. You are both very young. That is evident from the fact that you are just not listening to what he is saying. He doesn't want to marry you. The reason why is not important. Are you seriously thinking that you can force him to change his mind? How long do you think a forced marriage would last?

[ThisisMax]

OK. My friends fiance did this and it got passed off as nerves, patched up etc. However on the day of the weddding he turned up at her house, said that it was not going to happen and flew off to NYC with his best man....250 guests at the CHURCH waiting.......Now they are married, it took years of therapy on his part to work out stuff, she was patient and they got married in a low key, really cool wedding. Many people thought she was nuts but there you go.
If it were me I'd call it off and end the relationship as he sounds like he does not know what he wants. If its just anxiety that workable but sounds worse than that or is it just anxiety?

[Theblondestoftheblonde]

I was engaged to someone when I was your age and I kind of knew he wasn't right but somehow we agreed to marry and had an engagement party and it became a wedding juggernaut and then my dad said "you know you don't have to do this don't you?" - the church and car were booked but I thought oh, right, maybe I don't. I called it off and married much, much later to a great man.

Cut your losses. Take him at his word, he doesn't want to marry you. So don't. Good luck.

[Midlifemusings]

I think it is not unusual for people to have been together since before they were adults to start to look for different things as adulthood progresses. Did you go your separate ways for uni or have you been together throughout the 8 years?

I think his anxiety is heightened by his doubts about the relationship and realizing that marriage has a finality that he isn't ready for. Likely this relationship has just outgrown its course and what and who you felt were the right partner at 17 is different now that you are adults and mid twenties.

There is often an expectation and social pressure that you will get married and long young relationships are hard to leave. There is no right time to do it.

[sacklunch]

If this has happened before children then great. Go get someone else. He's not right. Asking you to marry him when he doesn't want to get married?

Not really stable behaviour is it. Not really dad material.

[senua]

You must be hurting at the moment but he has done you a big favour.
Listen to what everyone is saying and end the relationship.
You deserve someone better.

[violetanemone]

There are so many ways to make weddings easier for people with anxiety. My husband had similar worries so we didn't do many of the traditions that draw attention, like first dance/ cake cutting/ walking down the aisle/ best man etc. We didn't need them, and we had a wonderful wedding that suited us perfectly and was full of love.

It's a little concerning that your fiance is so negative about the whole thing, and seems reluctant to budge, when there's actually so much scope to alter things and be a bit creative with the way you do your wedding.

If he isn't willing to think outside of the box a little and meet half way on some things, I'd be questioning his commitment and honestly whether he is right for you. He won't even work on his anxiety despite knowing it's a problem - that's concerning and implies a lack of respect for you and for himself.

Sometimes weddings can seem like an unnecessary expense and I always hear the phrase 'just a piece of paper' tossed around, but actually the amount of decisions and compromise you have to make can really highlight the strengths and also cracks in a relationship. I've always thought that if you can get through the process of planning a large wedding together, and come out the other side in once piece, you're probably pretty solid.

If you're finding it this hard, maybe you do need to put things on hold and look at where the relationship is going. It shouldn't be this difficult.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

He has now told me that he does not want to get married and never did.

Sorry, but he has told you.

He doesn't want to get married.

[WhiskerPatrol]

@Sarah1997

We didnt book the wedding straight away due to uncertainties with covid, so booked for the year after to be on the safe side. We are 25/26 currently and got together when we were 17, hence us being together so long before we got engaged. I am far from the type that wants a big fancy party and he chose the venue anyway, at the time, I was looking at a farm venue with a small capacity which he was not keen on.

Sweetheart, you are way too young to get married, especially after being together since 17! You haven't lived as independent adults, you don't know who you are. Set each other free and move on. I guarantee that in 10 years time you'll be glad you did.

[dunBle]

I would say that you're not going to cancel the wedding, but you're going to put all planning on hold for a couple of months and go to couples counselling instead to sort out exactly what it is that you both want. At the end of that period, you can go your separate ways, cancel the wedding and rebook something different, or make some tweaks to the existing plans depending on your joint comfort levels. I wouldn't want to make any hasty decisions because he's suddenly developed the fear, until you've had the opportunity to talk it through properly with a neutral 3rd party, but the fact he's trying to rewrite history is definitely a concern.

If he refuses to speak to a counsellor though, then I agree it's time to cut your losses and kick him to the kerb.

[Starseeking]

I didn't leave my EXDP after we went to the registry to give notice for our wedding and he "forgot" to bring his divorce certificate, then claimed he couldn't find it, as I was already 4 months pregnant. I eventually left him 5 years later, when he was talking about getting married on our 10 year engagement anniversary

If I hadn't been pregnant, I'd have left him the day he embarrassed us in the registrar's office, and thinking back, I probably should have done.

Just leave him, he does not want to marry you.

[2manycats]

In the kindest possible way - you need to be planning on calling time on this relationship.

You got together young, you are both still young. You want different things and that is not necessarily a bad thing - it just means you're no longer the people you were when you got together as kids. Given your ages and the fact this this has been your only relationship, it is highly likely that even if you try to have a pragmatic discussion about how to fix your relationship it will quickly turn emotional or in to him saying things he does not mean to try and avoid ending something he has known since the age of 17. Be brave, take back your power and end it.

[Vallmo47]

I’m so sorry OP, sounds like you have a lot to talk about. As someone who suffers with fear of public speaking and being in the public eye, I couldn’t do a big wedding. After 22 years of worrying about it I have now booked to do a registry office wedding with 2 witnesses and our kids. Even that I’m already stressing about!!
I do suffer a lot with my nerves and maybe he does too … I have a fear of driving as well but plucked up the courage and learned, only to panic when there was no dual control after I’d passed the test - now I’m back to not driving. My point is that I’ve managed to talk myself into trying things in life that have terrified me - because deep down I want to get married and I wanted the freedom of driving. But thinking about it and doing it are two different things … maybe it’s taken him a while to realise he cannot cope with the nerves of a bigger wedding.

Having said all of the above, I completely understand how let down you must be feeling. He really should have thought it through before racing ahead. It could be just nerves but you don’t deserve to be messed around so you definitely need to talk and find out exactly what’s going through his mind.

For what it’s worth, my family and friends have had to be very understanding with me over the years. We cannot help the way we feel and reality is very different from fiction - maybe he’s just nervous.

[SunshineAndFizz]

This would be very hard to recover from.

A cancelled wedding. Doesn't ever want to marry you. I can't see it going back to a 'normal' relationship after that.

[cansu]

sounds like he is making excuses. You have been together long enough for him to know if he sees a future together. I would cut your losses.

[Coffeetree]

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

The thing is, even if you delay the wedding, its always going to be in the back of your mind that he may pull out at some point.

I'd ask him outright "do you want to marry me and be my husband for the rest of our lives?"

He's said that he doesn't want this!