Fiancé said I have to cancel our wedding

[Sarah1997]

We have been together for 8 years and got engaged in December 2020. We booked our wedding for June 2023. He proposed to me and viewed the wedding venues with me. We went to view one, he said he wanted to get married there, we both agreed and booked it. The venue has been booked for about a year now, save the dates have been sent, most other things have been booked, he has chosen and asked his best man (off his own back) and guests have booked accommodation. My parents have paid for all of the deposits so far and are planing on paying for everything and my dress has also been bought by them and is now in my cupboard. He has been worried about the wedding and has told me about this but said it was fine and hed get over it. This is mainly due to the speech which he is absolutely petrified of, but also the first dance and ceremony and generally being the centre of attention for the day. The wedding booked is quite a large wedding, but he knew this at the time but still wanted to do it. He has now told me that he does not want to get married and never did. He said we have issues in our relationship and if I want him to stay and work on it together, I’ve got to cancel the wedding. He then said he does not want to get married, even though he has told me for the whole of our relationship that he did, and was aware that it was very important to me that we did. I know that this is mostly because he is worried about it, but he is adamant that he will not get married or speak to a counsellor or anything about his anxiety to do with this. It is all a huge mess and I don’t know what to do for the best. To me, if our relationship is so bad that it cannot be fixed before next June for us to get married, then we should be separating altogether anyway. I am just not sure what to do.

[momtoboys]

Oh, no! Did I somehow resurrect this post? I didnit notice the date! I am so sorry if I was the person that did this. Can we get it removed?

[UncleQuentinsWife]

🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️🧟ZOMBIE 🧟‍♀️🧟🧟‍♂️

Reviving a six month old thread about a relationship problem is quite unkind and definitely unnecessary.

🧟‍♀️🧟🧟‍♂️ ZOMBIE 🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♂️ 🧟‍♂️

[momtoboys]

That must have been tough to hear. Listen to what he is saying. Don’t try to read into it and make excuses for him. He doesn’t want to get married. Maybe ever or maybe just not to you. You need to move on. You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you. You’re better off knowing now.

I was engaged when I graduated Uni and broke it off 3 months before when everything was ready to go. Huge wedding. It was really hard at the time but I went on to date many wonderful men and married a man that has worked with me to make a nice life and a lovely family.

[Jackiewoo]

The wedding is just a day, all the dresses and food and marquee is just window dressing, the relationship and whether you are both ready for marriage is what really matters.

Weddings are funny things, when you're young having the perfect 'big day' seems like the logical next step after a certain time in a relationship, and they can be contagious, then once the wedding plans start its like a juggernaut. After the wedding day everyone will forget about that and start asking you about babies and that's when the reality of married life starts, but children can test the strongest relationships. You both have to be very sure that marriage is what you want and that you want the same things out of life.

You are both so young and will have changed a lot, he's been flakey and crap about telling you but if the relationship is no longer working and he says he doesn't want to get married please stop focusing on having the perfect 'big day' and listen to him, forcing it isn't fair on anyone. Speeches can be nerve wracking but it shouldn't require counselling to get anyone to the altar, he's telling you he's not the one.

[SmileyPiuPiu]

I hope you're OK OP.

[ErrolTheDragon]

Hum.... my DH got quite bad jitters about the wedding, not entirely unlike what the op describes. (He had an added layer of hating more than I'd realised that it was in a church, the only options at the time were church and registry office, I'd never known anyone choose the latter for a first marriage...). But a lot of it was 'social anxiety'.

... that was in 1986 and we've been happily married since.

[daisychain01]

He has been worried about the wedding and has told me about this but said it was fine and hed get over it. This is mainly due to the speech which he is absolutely petrified of, but also the first dance and ceremony and generally being the centre of attention for the day. The wedding booked is quite a large wedding, but he knew this at the time but still wanted to do it. He has now told me that he does not want to get married and never did.

He's a complete and utter jerk. Unbelievable.

To say that he never wanted to marry you is a cruel admission that he's been leading you up the garden path all along.

on that basis alone, and forgetting all the limp excuses he gave you leading up to the final bomb shell, I'd dump his sorry arse for being a liar. You can't possibly want to marry someone whose word you can't ever rely on. He's shown you who he is.

-and him telling you that you have to cancel the wedding is his way of saying I've dropped you in the merde but you've got to clean up the mess and pay for the deposits.

[Pipsquiggle]

It doesn't sound like you can proceed.

TBH I think you probably should break up. Better to do it now than force a marriage then break up later. This is him showing you who he is, don't ignore it.

It could be anxiety about speeches, it could be that you got together so young. There could be loads of reasons but they are his problems to solve and it would be unfair to keep you hanging on indefinitely for him to get his shit together.

Agree with others, he needs to do all the cancelling

[kateandme]

@Sarah1997

We didnt book the wedding straight away due to uncertainties with covid, so booked for the year after to be on the safe side. We are 25/26 currently and got together when we were 17, hence us being together so long before we got engaged. I am far from the type that wants a big fancy party and he chose the venue anyway, at the time, I was looking at a farm venue with a small capacity which he was not keen on.

That's a hard thing to separate from op.because that's almost first love territory? And if so they are always something that you remember...just differently.oftrn harder deeper.
But you need to start asking the questions.
Do you want to be with him.
Can you see a future without him
Can you compromise on a wedding.
Buuut bigger than that is what the fuck is he ACTUALLY saying.if this is about a wedding cancel register office today. boom!
But something more? What.
A sit down discussion needs to be had.srip talking about the wedding.dont bring it up.what is this REALLY about.
After that you need to think how you want to go forward.he puts his case forward can you live with that.or do you think he ACTUALLY wants Otto be over.
Men especially with young love,first and only gf scenarios can get suddenly cold fetish at this poi y.the whole macho one woman for the rest of my life I've not sewed my oats crap.
So you need to tell him if this is it.and you split.you ain't coming back once he's shagged enough woman to commit.

[mathanxiety]

I think he's been future faking you all along.

Now that the fake future is becoming a reality he has changed his game to "your role for the rest of our lives together is to guess what's wrong" in order to keep you hooked. In time, his game will turn into "guess what you're doing wrong".

The change of tack is accompanied by a story about anxiety, which is designed to keep you from getting as angry as you should at him - out of sympathy for your suffering loved one, but also out of guilt, thanks to his suggestion that everything you have planned for the wedding has given him palpitations. This is all your fault and your lesson is not to make demands of him.

On top of that, he has declared that he never wanted to get married. So you are in the position of trying to soothe his emotions, ease his confusion, and try to win him back.

Now you're wrong-footed and he has gained an advantage he will never shrink from pressing home. A win for him and a massive loss for you.

You have been trapped in a deep mire of shameless manipulation by this man.

Get out while it's still relatively easy.

[k1233]

At your ages it's not uncommon IME for people to grow apart, particularly since you have been together since 17. I've seen it happen a lot.

Listen to him and don't throw away your money on a wedding for a marriage that isn't likely to last. I like the suggestion of him repaying the deposits since it's his decision to cancel everything.

[Dita73]

Well you have to cancel the wedding. There’s no doubt about that but I do think your relationship will soon be over. I know it’s going to be hard for you to accept and will hurt deeply as he’s all you’ve known for your whole adult life but it’s clear that he’s having doubts about your life together. You’re going to have to move on. If it was going to happen then it’s good it’s happened now and not ten years down the line when you may have married him and had children that he possibly didn’t want. Once you get over the break up,which won’t take as long as you think it will,you can start to look forward to a new life and do whatever you want to do

[Tigofigo]

The speech etc is a red herring. He doesn't want to marry you,but it's a bloody hard thing to say to someone. You won't be happy if you marry him, don't do it.

[Honeyroar]

And I agree, if the wedding is to be cancelled, he does it, and he takes any financial hits by lost deposits. Done early it shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Hugs to you. I had to cancel a wedding decades ago. He was having an affair. With hindsight, although it was horrible at the time, it was the best thing that happened to me - saved me from marrying Mr Wrong.

[Pluvia]

Haven't had time to read the full thread. OP, I'm sorry to have to tell you that 25 years ago my best friend went through something uncannily similar. Long, settled relationship, big wedding planned and then he got in a state and it all had to be called off. He later came out as gay and explained that he'd been trying to be straight because his parents would have died of shame if they'd known he was gay. Setting a date for the wedding had forced him to realise he was living a lie and would be trapped in it if they married.

[LiesDoNotBecomeUs]

Better to find out now than after you are married.

So he was really keen -knows it matters to you - knows it is paid for... but has suddenly changed his mind, all you can say it that he really doesn't want to be married.

'trying to work on'
Has he met someone else? The sudden change is odd.

[THEDEACON]

Dump him he's too much like hard work

[user1471538283]

You are still young. If you were mine I'd tell you to end this completely. He can cancel everything and he can pay back the non refundable deposits.

A friend of mine at her engagement meal (just those 2, the best man and i) was told by her fiancee that he didnt want to get married. She stayed with him and they finally split up 5 years later. Completely pointless.

[MummyJ36]

Yeah he’s paying back any non refundable deposits. I think he just doesn’t want to get married. I know plenty of shy/anxious people who had a decent sized wedding, I think if he’d been than concerned he’d have never gone with this venue in the first place. My thought is that he’s either cheated or wants to. Sorry OP.

[Mememene]

If she has booked it, surely the venue would only allow her to cancel it? Wouldn't they only deal with the customer who had paid for refunds etc. and cancellations and not him who hasn't paid for anything? (if I've understood it correctly)

[CandyLeBonBon]

Sorry op. I'd cut your losses and split.

I appreciate that sounds easier than it is in real life and I know there will be a lot of guilt/shame, but this is basically a deferred divorce.

I know it hurts but doing anything g other than splitting with him will erode your self confidence and worth over the years and it's all avoidable.

[StaunchMomma]

He doesn't sound very reliable at all, OP.

What happens if suddenly decides he douesn't want to be a Dad when you're pregnant?

He sounds super flakey and/or like he's trying to find an out.

I think it's highly likely that you could do a lot better.

The sooner you cancel the wedding the more money your parents get back.

[Honeyroar]

I would give him an ultimatum. He needs to think harder and explain exactly what he means when he says something needs working on. He needs to rethink about booking counselling and he needs to 100% decide whether he wants to marry you. The wedding can be modified to exclude speeches and first dances, if that’s what this is really about. If he can’t do that for you he needs to realise that the relationship is over, he can’t punish you for his insecurities that he won’t work on. There’s no going back after this bombshell. Give him two weeks to get his head straight and decide. You deserve better than this.

[CantGetDecentNickname]

TolkiensFallow · Today 18:37
I’ve just read the title of this again and FFS - why the hell does HE think he can tell YOU to cancel a wedding. If he wants it cancelled he can cancel it himself. He can ring the guests, ring the venues and cancel everything.
It is no longer your job to do any of his bidding, that is so arrogant of him!

This!
He has said he doesn't want to get married so he needs to do all the cancelling. Hand him a list of the numbers to ring (including your parents etc) and tell him to ring them all as you're not going to do his dirty work for him if he wants out.

Please don't waste your time waiting to see if he is just anxious and will change his mind or trying to appease him in the hope that he will go through with it. Dragging a reluctant groom to the alter is not recipe for a long lasting future. He has quite clearly said that he doesn't want to do this. It means he has been lying to you for some time and now he needs to learn that actions have consequences and as they are his actions, he needs to be the one to cancel everything. You must make him do the cancelling. Please also make it clear that if he doesn't love you enough to marry you, you will not be continuing with the relationship. There is nothing in it for you in this case.

I strongly suspect the thing that is missing is that he feels his youth is gone and that he hasn't "played the field". If this is the case, then you would be wise not to waste any more of your time on him as it sounds as though he won't stick around. A PP suggested you take a holiday with your friends which sounds like a good idea as they will provide support. Please reach out to them.

Good luck.