Fiancé said I have to cancel our wedding

[Sarah1997]

We have been together for 8 years and got engaged in December 2020. We booked our wedding for June 2023. He proposed to me and viewed the wedding venues with me. We went to view one, he said he wanted to get married there, we both agreed and booked it. The venue has been booked for about a year now, save the dates have been sent, most other things have been booked, he has chosen and asked his best man (off his own back) and guests have booked accommodation. My parents have paid for all of the deposits so far and are planing on paying for everything and my dress has also been bought by them and is now in my cupboard. He has been worried about the wedding and has told me about this but said it was fine and hed get over it. This is mainly due to the speech which he is absolutely petrified of, but also the first dance and ceremony and generally being the centre of attention for the day. The wedding booked is quite a large wedding, but he knew this at the time but still wanted to do it. He has now told me that he does not want to get married and never did. He said we have issues in our relationship and if I want him to stay and work on it together, I’ve got to cancel the wedding. He then said he does not want to get married, even though he has told me for the whole of our relationship that he did, and was aware that it was very important to me that we did. I know that this is mostly because he is worried about it, but he is adamant that he will not get married or speak to a counsellor or anything about his anxiety to do with this. It is all a huge mess and I don’t know what to do for the best. To me, if our relationship is so bad that it cannot be fixed before next June for us to get married, then we should be separating altogether anyway. I am just not sure what to do.

You need to dump this man.

He gets to contact all of the people who received a save the date.

He gets to talk to the venue, caterer, vendors, and return the wedding dress.

Don't try talking him into it. Don't suggest a registry office. He has shut down communication. Your relationship is over.

Eight years you have put into this..

Eight years and he is still trying to keep his options open.

Run, don't walk. You deserve someone who wants what you want.

In terms of relationship issues, he has said there is something missing that he wants to work on, but he said he doesn’t know what.

Haven't RTFT, but this alone would make me end the relationship. If he can then figure out what was missing, perhaps there's a future for you - but don't waste your time trying to keep things going in the meantime.

Perhaps it's because you've been together since you were so young, he might think there's something better out there....

I’ve just read the title of this again and FFS - why the hell does HE think he can tell YOU to cancel a wedding. If he wants it cancelled he can cancel it himself. He can ring the guests, ring the venues and cancel everything.

It is no longer your job to do any of his bidding, that is so arrogant of him!

He said there are relationship issues. I’m not sure there is much hope tbh.

A friend of mine did this, had a proper meltdown. SHe stood by him, they had a rocky relationship but ultimately got married and now they're very happy - he loves her more than ever and is so grateful she stood by him.

I know people who went through with weddings they didn't want. That's not any better.

Hang fire just now. DOn't knee jerk.

Sometimes people will go all-in in an attempt to stave off their nagging feels of doubt. I'm not saying your fiancé did this for sure, but it's a possibility.

That is by the by for me though, because the deal-breaker is his refusal to accept any responsibility for what he has set in motion here. You need someone who is able to stand by their words, and to 'fess up when it's warranted, not someone who lies both to themselves and to you.

*feelings

I'm so sorry to read. It took me and husband years to marry because I was so flipping worried over the big day. We scaled it down to literally 3 hours with 10 people. We're still together, over 20 years. It can be done. Good luck.

I think after eight years if it were me I would be ending the relationship now. If after eight years he is saying he doesn't want to get married then I couldn't guarantee that he ever would and I'd want to move on and find someone else to marry/build a life with.

Only you can know if it's a deal breaker for you but it would be for me. Where do you both stand on having children?

You clearly have to to cancel the wedding. It is easy to feel swept along by momentum when you know you should really stop it, but the feeling of letting people down is crushing. But it is worse to go ahead when it is not the right thing, you have to face it now. Once the wedding is cancelled you can think about whether the relationship is over.

Good luck.

‘He’s said there’s something to work on but he doesn’t know what’ Oh my god he does not want to be with you for the rest of his life but is too frightened to break up. He will dump you at some point and quite possibly marry and have children within about 5 minutes to someone else, probably around the time your fertility is beginning to decline. Fuck me, get out now

Having a marquee does not mean you have to fill it! But this is not about marquees, venues, cost, numbers, dates. It would be a mistake to marry someone reluctant or continue with plans in the hope they change their mind. His commitment is less than yours, can you, should you settle for that?

@Sarah1997

I'm sorry x

it hard with so little to go on, not knowing him etc ... but...

To me it sounds like he genuinely wanted to get married to YOU & wanted to make you happy & have the big wedding day you & your parents had in mind, but is terrified of the whole thing. Thought he could 'get over the nerves' but realusss he cannot.

IF it were me I'd tell him ok I'll cancel everything if he's absolutely sure that's what he wants. No going back.

Then I'd go & talk to my parents, tell them this is 'just between us' but he doesn't want to get married, that you think it's the nerves, but obviously you're not certain. That you'll take care of everything & get as many deposits back as possible and what you can't you'll (both) pay them back.

For me that would be one less stress.

Then I'd send out cancellation/uninvites. I'd apologise & say 'due to unforeseen circumstances' you are having to cancel the wedding at this stage & apologise for any inconvenience. From you BOTH.

don't make it sound like you're splitting up, just cancelling the wedding. People have got more used to this during covid.

Only confide in a good friend IF you want to.

it's still a year away, you should get your deposits back.

THEN once that's all sorted I'd talk to him & see where you are both at, regarding your relationship

I know it's tempting to tell him to sort his shit out & go through with it or it's over, or to just tell him 'no' or 'fuck off' and it is very disappointing, embarrassing, confusing etc etc BUT the actual main thing here is the man you live is clearly falling apart & needs to know you live him more than the wedding event.

I know he said he wanted it
i know he proposed
i know he wanted the venue
i know he said he'd be fine
i know he asked his best man

i DO understand how upset, confused & angry you are, but try to remember the relationship is the important but!

IF IF IF it turns out he's cheating on you, I'll dig the fucking footings to put him in & mix the concrete. And hold him down while you apply the shovel to his head!!

big hugs, it's super shit!!

I think you need to get to the bottom of the problem. You either scale down the wedding and still get married if you are both happy. Or split. It sounds like cold feet and anxiety. If it helps I wish I had a much smaller wedding as most those people who came years ago I hardly ever see. I also don’t like being the centre of attention.

Cancel the wedding. Suggest getting married just the two of you and if he still says no, walk away and don’t look back.

I thought it was anxiety (it may well still be) but the more you write about him being the one wanting to do the speech etc makes it sound like he either doesn’t want to marry you at all or he’s getting cold feet (and the anxiety is telling him that it’s because there’s something wrong in the relationship).

I would give him a deadline eg Sunday 6pm.
He needs to decide whether he wants to marry you or not.

Tell him If he doesn’t - then you 2 are over and there’s no chance of ever salvaging it.
If he does - then you don’t want to hear anymore negativity about the wedding and he needs to suck it up and get on with it.

I have some idea about how you feel as I watched a friend of mine in a similar situation a good number of years ago. She met this man and it became a serious relationship. He knew that she wanted marriage and kids. They got engaged and made plans to move back to nearer where she was from. The moved back to near where she was from after he got a job and she got some temp work.
He decided then to tell her 6 weeks before the wedding that he was not ready to get married. Meanwhile her parents had paid for most of the things up to then including a very nice wedding venue and she had 120 people plus invited. He left her to tell her parents and deal with canceling everything. They also had to contact the guests and tell them the wedding was not happening.
My friend was very upset about this. A few weeks after the wedding was due to take place she met up with him and decided to give him another chance. When she told me this I said to her I don't think it will change things between you. After a few weeks she ended things with him because she realised he was not going to change his mind.

So after this she applied for and got a good job for a well known company. She made new friend and started to socialise. She went on a few holidays with friend's. About 3 years later I was out with her one night and she got chatting to this man. They met up a few times and become a couple. Even early on I could see that she was happy. I noticed as well that he was good to her, was kind and he helped her through some stressful times. They got engaged and are now married over 15 years. They now have 2 children and are still happy despite dealing with a few of life's hardships over the years.

I think that if your boyfriend says I don't want to marry you that the relationship is over and I don't think that having a small wedding, no first dance ect is going to make him change his mind. I know it horrible now what you are going through but a marriage is about more than a wedding day. You want someone who will be their for you, that you can rely on and who cope when life brings bad and good times.

In your case I tell him that since he does not want to get married he can tell your parents and pay them 50% of the venue costs so far. I also say to him that it made you realise that things are over between you and that you have to sort out what happens next ie who's moving out ect.
Don't let him think he can keep you in his life after telling you he does not want to get married.
I know it not easy dealing with this now but at least your not ending a marriage with a child or two children involved. I have seen people getting married despite being told by family and friends it was a bad idea due to any number of reasons including cheating, drinking and gambling. Then within a few years it ends and every one involved is worse off.

I know this is painful OP, but on the plus side, you are very young

Just get rid. Don’t waste any more of your time on this guy.

Tell him he can go, and get planning some things you’ve always wanted to do - travel, job change, back to college - whatever.

He has now told me that he does not want to get married and never did

I don't know how much clearer he could have been, and all the rest is just background noise which means little compared to this

The fact this so often happens with relationships which started very young doesn't make it any less painful, but there seems no point in dragging out the agony. You'll need time to recover from the hurt, so it might as well start now before things get any worse

You've given two very different scenarios in your posts, OP.

I disagree with those saying he's "flaky". I suspect it's more that reality has hit him like a ton of bricks, and he's realised that this isn't what he wants. It is a massive thing to be honest in the way he has been (even though it's shit for the OP).

It sounds as if everything has been all about the wedding for a while now. I'd be calling it off if I were him - I'd be horrified by the whole idea.

I'd call it off and then see whether there's a relationship left that's worth working on.

FWIW, I wouldn't marry anyone whom I'd been with since the age of 17.

Sounds like he's completely over valuing what others think of him. Or rather how he looks to others is his only survival strategy.
Hence the telling his best man, who clearly is a guy he craves approval from.
Also the venue, your DP pictured himself there and how wonderful everyone would think he was for hosting a party there.
But then. The self esteem issue. His fear of looking stupid in front of everyone giving a speech is too much of a price to pay.
Either he's hiding something else or he has got an acute anxiety problem. Severe. He's prepared to lose you over it, such is its hold on him.
Ask him to take a public speaking course (with other people in a group) and then see how he feels.
If he refuses to do a course then you've no option but to leave him because it needs to be brought to a head. Otherwise you are enabling it to continue and the pair of you will have to tiptoe around this for many years.

Youre still young and got together very young id say he wants out of the relationship
Sorry op

I agree with pp. It's not about the public speaking, shyness or self esteem. He could take steps to manage that. It's just getting close and he's decided it's not what he wants.
There may be someone else.

You've both gone from teenagers to adults. Sometimes as you change through this time your relationship falters and sometimes dies. I've seen this many times. With my sons and their friends they just changed which is natural. It's better now than a divorce down the road