Fiancé said I have to cancel our wedding

[Sarah1997]

We have been together for 8 years and got engaged in December 2020. We booked our wedding for June 2023. He proposed to me and viewed the wedding venues with me. We went to view one, he said he wanted to get married there, we both agreed and booked it. The venue has been booked for about a year now, save the dates have been sent, most other things have been booked, he has chosen and asked his best man (off his own back) and guests have booked accommodation. My parents have paid for all of the deposits so far and are planing on paying for everything and my dress has also been bought by them and is now in my cupboard. He has been worried about the wedding and has told me about this but said it was fine and hed get over it. This is mainly due to the speech which he is absolutely petrified of, but also the first dance and ceremony and generally being the centre of attention for the day. The wedding booked is quite a large wedding, but he knew this at the time but still wanted to do it. He has now told me that he does not want to get married and never did. He said we have issues in our relationship and if I want him to stay and work on it together, I’ve got to cancel the wedding. He then said he does not want to get married, even though he has told me for the whole of our relationship that he did, and was aware that it was very important to me that we did. I know that this is mostly because he is worried about it, but he is adamant that he will not get married or speak to a counsellor or anything about his anxiety to do with this. It is all a huge mess and I don’t know what to do for the best. To me, if our relationship is so bad that it cannot be fixed before next June for us to get married, then we should be separating altogether anyway. I am just not sure what to do.

[Summerwetordry]

My fiancé wanted to cancel our wedding. I was distraught and begged him to go ahead.

We had only been married a few weeks and I came home from work and he'd done a runner.

Sadly you'll have to accept his decision.

[urbanbuddha]

He's calling off the wedding.
You're in your mid-twenties. It's time to walk away and find someone who's on the same wavelength as you.
I'm sorry for your heartache but even if the wedding went ahead the marriage wouldn't work.

[SmileyPiuPiu]

The wedding needs to be cancelled but he needs to do it and he needs to contact the guests. Or ask a family member if they can ring round your side of the family. Forget the big day, this is about not being tied to someone who doesn't want you. I'm so sorry OP but I promise you can get through this.

[AffableApple]

This is him telling you it's over. Soon he'll tell you he told you it was over and you didn't listen, and that he's been clear with you. You'll think he was unclear/gave you mixed messages. He's trying to make you dump him because he's too wussy to dump you. Or he may not have realised yet that he will dump you. Either way, it's over. It really, really is. Get the money back, not everyone does, and you shouldn't be out of pocket. Then dump him if he hasn't firmed up on what's happening going forward. In a few months' time you'll find out his head had been turned by someone else that he'll spend up happily marrying and having babies with within a year or two, or just enjoying his freedom apart from you - but my money's on the former. Listen to us oldies as a PP said. We know what we're talking about, and can slice through this bullshit like butter. He isn't the man you have enjoyed a relationship with anymore. Be honest with yourself, it's been a while since he has been.

[ChinBristles]

In terms of relationship issues, he has said there is something missing that he wants to work on, but he said he doesn’t know what.

This is what I would dump him for. He wants you to.

[mellicauli]

His anxiety is taking up so much room in this relationship, there's no space for you and your feelings. It's not a good starting point for a life long commitment.

Someone who truly loved you would never treat you this badly. Would never publicly embarrass you like this. Would never take your parent's generosity for granted like this. Would do anything rather than let you down like this.

If someone who loved found there was no alternative but to hurt you like this, they would be full of apologies, not issuing ultimatums.

But he's so busy thinking about himself, the star of the show, that he actually hasn't spent a minute thinking about how you feel.

The problem in the relationship is him. He's an emotional dunderhead. Say goodbye and good riddance.
__

[winterchills]

I would definitely be leaving him

[ChinBristles]

I was with a guy when we were both 18-26.
One day, he went a bit funny, went to stay with his parents.
Turns out he had cheated. And wanted to split up.
Just saying.

[GingerScallop]

May be the wedding planning has caused him to reflect. Doesn't necessarily mean he is bad. Hurtful now but better than marrying you knowing his ambivalence at this stage. Cancel the wedding. Explore your issues and have some counselling if you can afford it and if the initial assessment shows promise. But I think this is the end of your relationship but all depends on your issues

[Ofcourseandyouknowit]

@Sarah1997

We didnt book the wedding straight away due to uncertainties with covid, so booked for the year after to be on the safe side. We are 25/26 currently and got together when we were 17, hence us being together so long before we got engaged. I am far from the type that wants a big fancy party and he chose the venue anyway, at the time, I was looking at a farm venue with a small capacity which he was not keen on.

I’m so sorry @Sarah1997 , this is a terrible thing to happen to you. The picture you paint is one of deep immaturity on his part, and I promise you that even if the current issues got resolved and he really wanted to make a go of it, you would be signing up to a lifetime of managing his whims and anxiety in the context of increasing responsibilities in other parts of your life. I believe him that he’s anxious about the speech etc, but someone ready to jeopardise their most significant relationship over this is someone who is not mature enough to get married- to anyone. You are very young so that’s good news for meeting someone better, but you are not both so young that you can expect he will grow out of this I’m afraid.

This is not your man, when you meet your man you will be amazed at how easy everything is. There’ll be no unnecessary drama, there’ll be no need to spend lots of time trying to figure him out or working out how to manage his stress responses, he’ll be an autonomous adult. My guess is that while this is difficult now, there will soon come a time you will thank your lucky stars this wedding didn’t happen, there is something better just over the horizon for you.

You don’t have to make any big decisions right now, just think it through carefully. Sending you hugs 💐

[Thinkingblonde]

Listen to what he’s saying, cancel the wedding. He’s told you how he feels, the speeches, first dance etc are diversions from the real issue “something missing in the relationship”. This is the crux of the matter, not the other stuff.
A couple I know lived together for years, they got married four years ago and are now in the process of getting a divorce. He said he’d told her his feeling for her had changed but she didn’t listen and pushed for the wedding, he went along with it thinking it was just nerves but he realised a year later he should have called a halt to it all.

[Subbaxeo]

To me, it sounds as if getting married was what he wanted-but for whatever reason, he’s changed his mind and thinks it’ll hurt you less if he makes excuses. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. Get some control by being calm and telling him you want to know the truth. If it’s just a genuine horror of being the centre of attention after being swept along, can you let it go? If there’s evasion, excuses and hanging stories, then finish it and spend some time with your family and loving friends. You’ll have dodged a bullet even if it’s devastating.

[Forgottenmypasswordagain]

I think you should give back the ring (if he gave you one), and cancel the wedding. Then get counselling together, to see if you can work out any issues or if it is best to end the relationship.
For now I'd cancel and hopefully not loose to much money since you'd be doing it far in advance. Good luck.

[Londonderry34]

I have a dear friend who never married because she 'didn't want to be the centre of attention'. She's a successful lawyer in a strong relationship with children. So I would ask, is this all due to anxiety and, if so, find a therapist to work it out? I think you need to explore what is real and what is not here. Does he love you or not? Perhaps he does and just wants a small, private ceremony. A bit like Alan Bennet's parents in his autobiography 'A Life Like Other People's'. They adored and loved each other but she was shy and needed to marry 'privately'. Could this be him??

[DockOTheBay]

In terms of relationship issues, he has said there is something missing that he wants to work on, but he said he doesn’t know what
There isn't anything specific, he just wants to break up and is trying to be "nice" about it.
My best friend had almost exactly the same issue. Together with her BF since they were 16. 7 years in he proposed because he felt he had to, but his heart wasn't in it. She started planning the wedding and then he tells her it doesn't feel right and he doesn't want to be in a relationship but won't say why or what's wrong. He also had anxiety and didn't want to get married especially not having a bit wedding.

Long story short, it would have been much less painful if they just broke up straight away, but they had nearly a year of back and forth, she hoping he would change his mind but he didn't. She's engaged to someone else now (2 years on) and its a much healthier relationship.

[Ryah76]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I wouldn’t be surprised if his heads been turned.

[springsally]

I suggest that the something missing from your relationship becomes you, double quick. Maybe he will wake up when he realises what he's lost, and you can go ahead with the wedding, maybe he'll never even look back. But you have to do it.

This is very good advice.

[geonosis]

Cancel him and send him an invoice for half the costs already paid for. Sounds like an a hole.

[SmileyPiuPiu]

@geonosis

Cancel him and send him an invoice for half the costs already paid for. Sounds like an a hole.

Half?! He should be paying all of it.

[Autienotnaughtie]

I could forgive the cancelling of the wedding if it was genuinely too overwhelming. But the decision not to marry and the concerns about the relationship would make me think the relationship will not survive. You deserve to be with someone who sees a future and a marriage with you. I'd aim higher.

[ImpartialMongoose]

I think you know the answer. You want better and can do better than this.

[Colourmeclear]

My partner went through a very difficult time with his anxiety, he said he thought it might be me/us. He left to stay with his parents, it really hurt and then realised it was him. He was really so confused, it was awful.

He has worked massively on his issues and we are now engaged. I'm worried about how he will cope with these things but he's worked really hard and I believe he will get through. It took a breakdown for him to trust me and now we problem solve and share emotions equally.

I don't think men generally see this as an option and so they think they have to find something acceptable to them to explain their anxiety. Giving a speech at a wedding is a ridiculous thing when it's my wedding so must be something else, oh I know the relationship!

He needs to let you in though.

[Cuckoo48]

If it's just the wedding itself, then work together as [future-] man and wife to work out a plan of how you can do things differently to remove the elements that worry him. We had a big but very informal wedding, partly because my DP was the same, terrified of being the centre of attention; we didn't do speeches, we didn't have a top table, just a fork buffet which allowed people to get their food and sit with whoever they wanted and we had a ceilidh to avoid the first dance malarkey.

But if it's the marriage itself, rather than just the wedding, you have more of a problem; one which may signal the end of your engagement.

Only you can know which, and only you can decide what compromises you're willing to make, to save your relationship.

[BalloonsAndWhistles]

You need to split. You’ve still got time to find someone who can give you what you want.

[redgirl1]

Op I’m really sorry this all must be so hard to hear. He says something is missing and I don’t think he expects to find it, I think he just didn’t have the courage to end things completely yet. He’s probably hoping you’ll do it for him. Sometimes people know they want to end a relationship but can’t make that last step even though know they are really hurting their partner.
i think you need to have a conversation about your relationship, forget wedding talk for the moment. I suspect he’ll say somethings not right but he doesn’t know what or how to put it right , but what he means is he doesn’t love you anymore and didn’t know how to tell you and is probably sad about the fact given that you will be so entwined in each other’s lives.
I’m assuming a lot, but I have seen this before.
Good luck OP this is going to hurt, but you’ll get through it and find someone lovely even if you can’t see it right now.