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Original poster

Son not invited to cousin's wedding but his brother is

466 replies

Aprilcherry04 · 28/02/2022 23:41

My nephew is getting married in a few months time. I was chatting to my sister earlier and she was talking about the wedding and she was telling me that the invites would be out soon. She said of course myself and my husband would be and my eldest son and partner would be evening guests but my youngest son (age 20)who has learning disabilities would not as her son and his fiancée have concerns that my DS2 would behave inappropriately. I explained to her that I would have no one to look after DS2 and she said perhaps my DS1 would look after him to allow me to attend. I would feel bad asking my elder to miss out on the evening party so wouldn't do that. I feel very upset for my DS2 and feel ostracised by my own family. I have cried solidly for 3 hours. DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation. My sister seemed surprised that I was hurt but my DS2 is the only one of the cousins not invited. I understand that it is up to the couple who they want to invite but I am still valid in feeling upset. If my own family cannot accept my son's limitations then how can I expect the rest of society to do so.

OP posts:
TonksInPurple · 28/02/2022 23:43

That’s really hard and must feel like a huge blow to you. how challenging is his behaviour is it really likely to effect the event?

ChimpyChops · 28/02/2022 23:44

I would decline and tell them why. I'm all for 'their day etc' but this is just very cruel.

MissM2912 · 28/02/2022 23:46

They sound vile, horrible people. Don’t go

Josette77 · 28/02/2022 23:48

What sort of inappropriate behaviour are they worried about?
Have their been issues before at family events?

Hawkins001 · 28/02/2022 23:49

All the best op

Original poster
Aprilcherry04 · 28/02/2022 23:49

He loves a party and loves to dance and they are worried that he might pester some girls to dance with him. Tbh he does get a bit excited on occasions but my DH is very strict with him. He has DS and is ver lovable but we do need to set strict boundaries with him.

OP posts:
BuanoKubiamVej · 28/02/2022 23:51

It's difficult to know really whether you are being unreasonable. If your younger son has sufficient understanding of the meaning of a wedding day, and an affectionate relationship with his cousins, and can actually behave appropriately at big events, then yanbu and it is very sad that the nephew isn't including him. If this is the case then all of you declining the invite is the right thing to do, as accepting your DS2's exclusion is a validation that you don't have to give.

If your youngest hasn't really developed much relationship with his cousins and doesn't really have much of an understanding of the meaning of a wedding day but is likely to get overwhelmed and disruptive in the unfamiliar event then maybe yabu. So if this is a reasonable description then maybe looking into getting a paid support worker to provide you with respite care for DS so that you can all attend would be best all around.

BobbyBleu · 28/02/2022 23:54

That makes me so sad. I'm really sorry you're being treated this way.

My aunt had Down's syndrome and we had her at every birthday party, wedding, anniversary etc
She was part of our family.
Family accept each other for their differences and want to be together on special occasions.

MarmiteCoriander · 28/02/2022 23:54

Does your nephew and his fiance know your youngest son? Have they met or spent much time together? Is it perhaps your sister advising them not to invite him instead of them saying this ???

I can't understand at all, without knowing both sides of the conversation, but could they think it means a night off for you both? What provisions are in place if you both were ill, injured or couldn't care for him? Although I don't agree with not being invited, which is awful, do you have some respite for yourselves if his needs are very high?

VodselForDinner · 28/02/2022 23:55

How awful of them. I can’t blame you for being upset.

Original poster
Aprilcherry04 · 28/02/2022 23:56

The thing is he does know his cousin very well and he also does understand what a wedding is. I know that my DS1 will also be offended that his brother has not been invited and probably not attend either and this will create a family rift.

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 28/02/2022 23:57

That’s horrible behaviour on their part, I wouldn’t be attending.

ElIie · 28/02/2022 23:57

I think that is incredibly mean of them. Does your DS have a history of acting inappropriately? Could you not bring him along and if he does start acting “inappropriately” get your DH take him home and look after him?

Sorry, not much advice other than I was in a similar situation a few years ago.

My brother was not invited to his cousins wedding. He has mental health problems and they didn’t want him there. It was incredibly hurtful as we only have the two cousins. I could tell he was heartbroken by it as he really looked up to his cousin. They were also surprised that we were hurt by them excluding my brother.

In the end we did end up going without him, as it would cause too much grief not to.

We are such a tiny family (me, my parents, two brothers, aunt, uncle and two cousins). I think my parents didn’t want to risk losing the only extended family we have.

We took my brother on a little holiday straight afterwards to make up for it. I was only a teenager then, so I am glad I wasn’t in my parents position trying to make that kind of decision.

Excitedforxmas · 28/02/2022 23:58

That’s dreadful. It would be all of us or none of us if it was me

Original poster
Aprilcherry04 · 01/03/2022 00:01

I just feel that it's up to meet to decide if I thought he couldn't cope with attending if you know what I mean. DS2 is fairly sociable and we often take him to restaurants etc so yes the day would have been slightly more stressful that if he didn't attend but I would have loved him to attend as he would have enjoyed it so much.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 01/03/2022 00:02

This is very hurtful and discriminatory behaviour. I agree with your DH, your ds1, you and DH all decline invitation. I would not send a card or gift either. I agree if his own family does not accept him as he is what hope does he have of being fully accepted into society. I would think a lot less of dnephew though.

Clymene · 01/03/2022 00:06

Tell them to fuck off. No attending, no gift.

Disablist arseholes

Runnerduck34 · 01/03/2022 00:12

I totally understand why you are upset and are perplexed as to why your sister wouldn't see how hurtful this is, particularly as he is close to his cousin and the rest of your family are invited.
Has there been any history of disruptive inappropriate behaviour by your son? If so I can see why bride and groom may have concerns but they could have asked if you wouldn't mind taking him outside if this happened.
If there hasn't been then any history of this then there's no reason for it and it's discrimination.
He is part of your family and they should understand and be more tolerant and accepting.
I think your DH is right to decline invitation. But if you would like to go / it would cause a rift you could just go to ceremony and your other son go to the evening.

Original poster
Aprilcherry04 · 01/03/2022 00:14

Thank you for your kind thoughts and advice also. DH is adamant that we will not attend. I am worried that they might try to backtrack when we decline and issue DS2 with an invite then but I would feel too awkward and uncomfortable to bring him then.

OP posts:
RunnerDown · 01/03/2022 00:14

I think that’s very hurtful. There is no way I would attend the wedding now without him. I am all for keeping the peace and not causing family friction but this is too much.
I find the attitude to weddings that some people have these days is very sad Surely it’s about celebrating your commitment in front of the people who care about you in an informal relaxed way that everyone can enjoy. Not some controlled “ perfect” Instagram moment.

SometimesRavenSometimesParrot · 01/03/2022 00:14

What does ‘pester girls to dance with him’ actually mean? I can really appreciate how upsetting it must be to exclude him but if they’ve got that specific worry it sounds based in a previous event?
Trying to play devils advocate, if he’s got form for being over excitable, pestering people and behaving inappropriately I can understand that they’re worried about their guests.
But the decent thing to do would be to work with you on a solution, which could include a veto from them at the point they feel he needs to leave if anything did happen?

jytdtysrht · 01/03/2022 00:14

Yep - decline this. His own family don’t want him - nasty.

Lalliella · 01/03/2022 00:21

That’s really cruel. I would decline, and tell her why.

GreenClock · 01/03/2022 00:27

This has made me feel angry for you and your son OP. I understand why you’re aggrieved.

TidyDancer · 01/03/2022 00:38

@SometimesRavenSometimesParrot

What does ‘pester girls to dance with him’ actually mean? I can really appreciate how upsetting it must be to exclude him but if they’ve got that specific worry it sounds based in a previous event? Trying to play devils advocate, if he’s got form for being over excitable, pestering people and behaving inappropriately I can understand that they’re worried about their guests. But the decent thing to do would be to work with you on a solution, which could include a veto from them at the point they feel he needs to leave if anything did happen?

I mostly agree with this tbh. I do understand how hurt you must be though. It's a horrible situation.

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