Son not invited to cousin's wedding but his brother is

[Aprilcherry04]

My nephew is getting married in a few months time. I was chatting to my sister earlier and she was talking about the wedding and she was telling me that the invites would be out soon. She said of course myself and my husband would be and my eldest son and partner would be evening guests but my youngest son (age 20)who has learning disabilities would not as her son and his fiancée have concerns that my DS2 would behave inappropriately. I explained to her that I would have no one to look after DS2 and she said perhaps my DS1 would look after him to allow me to attend. I would feel bad asking my elder to miss out on the evening party so wouldn't do that. I feel very upset for my DS2 and feel ostracised by my own family. I have cried solidly for 3 hours. DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation. My sister seemed surprised that I was hurt but my DS2 is the only one of the cousins not invited. I understand that it is up to the couple who they want to invite but I am still valid in feeling upset. If my own family cannot accept my son's limitations then how can I expect the rest of society to do so.

You have explained repeatedly @Aprilcherry04

It's not your fault that some posters are using feminism as a cloak to hide their disablism.

Everybody bangs on about how we should be inclusive these days but the truth is imo that a lot of it is just for show. Truthfully people would probably still brush disability and imperfection under the carpet.

I agree, but you certainly don't need to accept that from your family, OP. So very hurtful and discriminatory, I'm sorry

Also how is my son and others like him ever going to learn about appropriate behaviour if they are locked away from the rest of society? I would be upset if I thought my son was making a nuisance of himself and had made anyone feel uncomfortable. Some people don't know how to react to people with disabilities and that's sad but it is a fact. I shouldn't have to spend my life apologising for his existence. Life is hard enough living with person with a learning disability. It's like having a child who never grows up. With my other son it was great to see him gain independence and go places without supervision. Sadly DS2 will always need help even with simple tasks. It can be hard work but I am still proud to be his mum.

Can’t believe people are suggesting it’s in any way acceptable to exclude a person with disabilities because they might potentially make someone feel uncomfortable. We aren’t talking about a bloody sexual predator. Get a grip.

Not a chance would I go. And I'd be telling my sister exactly how I feel.

@Aprilcherry04

Also how is my son and others like him ever going to learn about appropriate behaviour if they are locked away from the rest of society? I would be upset if I thought my son was making a nuisance of himself and had made anyone feel uncomfortable. Some people don't know how to react to people with disabilities and that's sad but it is a fact. I shouldn't have to spend my life apologising for his existence. Life is hard enough living with person with a learning disability. It's like having a child who never grows up. With my other son it was great to see him gain independence and go places without supervision. Sadly DS2 will always need help even with simple tasks. It can be hard work but I am still proud to be his mum.

Absolutely! You should be proud to be his mum! I am appalled that some people think it's acceptable to exclude your son.

2 of my good friends growing up had siblings with DS. All I have is such fond memories of playing with them. I can see as an adult now that it was very challenging for their parents but I know how much they got back also. I wish more people could see the pure goodness that many people with learning disabilities have and what we can learn from them.

@Aprilcherry04

Also how is my son and others like him ever going to learn about appropriate behaviour if they are locked away from the rest of society? I would be upset if I thought my son was making a nuisance of himself and had made anyone feel uncomfortable. Some people don't know how to react to people with disabilities and that's sad but it is a fact. I shouldn't have to spend my life apologising for his existence. Life is hard enough living with person with a learning disability. It's like having a child who never grows up. With my other son it was great to see him gain independence and go places without supervision. Sadly DS2 will always need help even with simple tasks. It can be hard work but I am still proud to be his mum.

You sound like a great mum @Aprilcherry04

My sister and her equally vile son and DIL would be dead to me after this, as would any other relatives who sided when them. There would be absolutely no coming back from it.

I'd also make sure the rest of the family and any mutual friends knew why my family wouldn't be attending the wedding.

@Migrainesbythedozen - if a woman feels threatened by a 5' tall man with DS, who looks like a 13yo boy, then she needs to give her own head a wobble.

One of the reasons people with disabilities were hidden away in the past was so that others didn't feel "uncomfortable" around them - just seeing people with disabilities can make other (unempathic) people feel "uncomfortable".

Women's feelings don't always trump disablist actions.

I’d tell them to get to fuck. I’m absolutely appalled by this. On what planet is it acceptable to discriminate against a member of your own family like this because of a learning disability. And your own sister is surprised you’re hurt! She should be ashamed that she’s brought up her son to think that this sort of selfish, cruel behaviour is acceptable. I’d make sure that everyone in the family knows that your son wasn’t invited and decline.
The fact that people think this is ok is shocking to me and quite upsetting.

[quote ThumbWitchesAbroad]@Migrainesbythedozen - if a woman feels threatened by a 5' tall man with DS, who looks like a 13yo boy, then she needs to give her own head a wobble.

One of the reasons people with disabilities were hidden away in the past was so that others didn't feel "uncomfortable" around them - just seeing people with disabilities can make other (unempathic) people feel "uncomfortable".

Women's feelings don't always trump disablist actions.[/quote]
It's not about height. And it's not about having DS. As OP said his behaviour can make a woman uncomfortable. It's not that people are uncomfortable 'just seeing his DS', it's the behaviour. Having a disability doesn't mean you are not capable of certain behaviour. Just look at Everydayisaschoolday's post to see how it is not disablist to centre women's safety, and a MALE with a disability (because he is still a male and the disability doesn't make him 'innocent' and 'harmless', DS people can be sexually harassing I came across a case on the internet awhile ago, will try and find it, where he was hugging women and grinding on them, and going away in the bathroom and masturbating after - he was 13 years old, if memory serves) does not trump the safety and the rights of women.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad As I've said before there is more to this than the OP herself is willing to admit to herself. Clearly there are issues with his behaviour. Or else he wouldn't have deliberately not been invited.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad Found it: www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/my-boyfriends-young-son-touches-me-inappropriately-what-do-i-do/news-story/dc834bcf156aaf7aea1c481507bfc7c9

@Everydaydayisaschoolday

I can see both sides. When I was in 6th I did some volunteer work at a local farm centre for adults with learning difficulties. On the whole it was great and I really enjoyed it but I can remember one man with DS took a fancy to me and at times it was terrifying. For all that I knew he had Downs and didn't mean to offend me he was a still a very well built, fully grown man paying unwanted attention to a 7 stone teenager.

But that being said, I think your cousin is BU. If his parents are there to deflect any unwelcome attentions on his part I think she should invite him.

Bumping Everydayisaschoolday's post.

Bump away - Everyday still thinks that the OP's sister and family are BU.

[quote Migrainesbythedozen]@ThumbWitchesAbroad As I've said before there is more to this than the OP herself is willing to admit to herself. Clearly there are issues with his behaviour. Or else he wouldn't have deliberately not been invited.[/quote]
That fact that you can write this post with (presumably) a straight face, shows that you have absolutely no idea of the discrimination faced by people with disabilities (especially learning disabilities in this case), every single day and as such I would strongly suggest that you open your eyes beyond the narrative you’re so invested in.

You’ve literally accused the OP of lying because you can’t believe that people are treated so badly, well they are. People have less access to healthcare, social activities, work, they have a massively lower life expectancy, experience more abuse (I could go on) all because of their disability and the institutional and endemic prejudice they face which you’re reinforcing with your fixed narrative of female as victim and male as perpetrator.

I rarely say this but you should be completely ashamed of yourself.

@ineedsun I have more experience with people with Down Syndrome than you ever will, so you should point that finger in another direction. I am not the one who should be ashamed of myself.

Are you not aware of how many people on this site ask for advice on sexual harassment at work or in life, and are told to ignore it, lie about it, etc by the 'be a nice British person and don't make a fuss' brigade? Is it not out of the realms of possibility that people have tried to to broach the subject with OP but she has brushed it aside? #Personal experience with this, too.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Bump away - Everyday still thinks that the OP's sister and family are BU.

Do you admit then that you care naught about the safety and welfare of women @ThumbWitchesAbroad ? I wonder if you'd change your mind if it happened to you and you were brushed off with 'oh he's harmless/doesn't mean it/don't make a fuss' etc. The attitudes toward women on this thread are shameful.

*So you admit
that should be, not 'Do'.

I feel very sorry for you, OP. UNLESS there's a huge amount you haven't said then this is very hurtful.

I have a male relative with a significant disability. He attends every family gathering because we love his parents and would never make them feel lesser or unwanted. Amongst how much harder their day-to-day life is, imagine their own family effectively shunning them all just so an occasion runs absolutely perfectly. Nope, that would never be worth it.

As PP said, people quickly catch on to these disabilities. It's not the same as some oddball on their own pestering lone women in public. This is a family do, and you've committed to keeping him in hand and even taking him home if needed.

I wouldn't go. It's far easier for them to flex than you, and they've shown where you sit on the priority list. Don't bother.

Why would you feel awkward if they change their minds and invite DS2? You did nothing wrong. The young couple are still learning and they made a social mistake. You have an opportunity to show them what gracious behaviour looks like. If they don't invite DS2 then decline, and your refusal can give give a very simple reason why "We are a family and we attend family events together". That's an important lesson for a couple who are just starting out. If they take the point and invite your son then you can ignore their error and all attend, and (as you described) you can support DS2 so things go well, and that's a lesson learned for your niece and nephew.

It also sounds as if some of the girls could do with instructions in how to behave around him. They're treating him as a pet and they shouldn't. I don't know if you'd get the opportunity to talk about it to any of them before he wedding but if one or two of the girls could look out for DS2 and stop the other girls being silly that would help.

[quote Migrainesbythedozen]@ineedsun I have more experience with people with Down Syndrome than you ever will, so you should point that finger in another direction. I am not the one who should be ashamed of myself.

Are you not aware of how many people on this site ask for advice on sexual harassment at work or in life, and are told to ignore it, lie about it, etc by the 'be a nice British person and don't make a fuss' brigade? Is it not out of the realms of possibility that people have tried to to broach the subject with OP but she has brushed it aside? #Personal experience with this, too.[/quote]
You might have personal experience of being told to not make a fuss, most of us have. But funnily enough, most of us manage to retain a balanced enough view of life that we don’t automatically assume that someone is lying when they tell you about prejudice that they’re experiencing.

Given that you seem to be fixated on women’s safety as the only possible issue here, how would you respond if someone came on and said ‘my daughters been excluded from a family wedding. I don’t know why, she does have previous history as a child of wanting to dance with people and trying to hug them. People thought it was cute and went along with it so sometime she got a bit silly and giddy about it. She’s she’s older now, they haven’t seen her for years and we would keep an eye on anything like that but that’s the only thing we can think of.’

Then another poster came on saying there’s more to it than that, she must have been doing something to make people really uncomfortable. You’re not telling the whole truth.

If you have the level of experience of DS that you’re claiming to, you will know about the huge disadvantages that people with LD face every single day. How you can try and dismiss that to the extent that you’re justifying the prejudice against OPs son is baffling.

@ineedsun That's a fair question. Would it be different with a female with Down Syndrome? I might have to admit maybe yes, I guess. However it would be case-by-case. See I think the problem on this site is that so many people see all people with DS as innocent and helpless. In reality, it is a spectrum and they are not a homogenous group. People on here think the cousin is harmless because he has Down Syndrome. They ignorantly assume all with DS are a homogenous group and harmless. A person with DS is as capable of sexual harassment as any other person. After all, DS people have feelings, normal sexual feelings and go through puberty too. They have normal sexual urges. To deny that is offensive.

I look at the person with DS in an individual perspective, people on here take the view that all DS people are homogenous and innocent and harmless. I think there is a great danger in taking this view. The cousin is still a male. Who just happens to have DS. That's all. It doesn't/shouldn't define him. I happen to think that assuming someone is harmless just because they have DS is also a form of prejudice.

I just want to pick something up here that you (and others) said: "She’s she’s older now, they haven’t seen her for years "
Nowhere in the OP's posts does she say her sister or cousin haven't seen him in years. On the contrary, she says they haven't had large family gatherings (like a wedding I presume) for years, and that the cousin is 'very close' to her son. That to me indicates the sister and cousin know him very well. So they obviously are very aware of who he is, his behaviour etc. That's obviously what they base their decision on.

I do agree that other women and girls shouldn't encourage him and go on about him being cute, and they really should be told to stop. They are sending him mixed messages and this can make trying to make him understand harder. However I think it goes back to us treating all people with DS as 'cute' and as an homogenous group that are 'helpless' and 'harmless', unfortunately.

That's a horrible thing to do, exclude your son. I wouldnt go.