Son not invited to cousin's wedding but his brother is

[Aprilcherry04]

My nephew is getting married in a few months time. I was chatting to my sister earlier and she was talking about the wedding and she was telling me that the invites would be out soon. She said of course myself and my husband would be and my eldest son and partner would be evening guests but my youngest son (age 20)who has learning disabilities would not as her son and his fiancée have concerns that my DS2 would behave inappropriately. I explained to her that I would have no one to look after DS2 and she said perhaps my DS1 would look after him to allow me to attend. I would feel bad asking my elder to miss out on the evening party so wouldn't do that. I feel very upset for my DS2 and feel ostracised by my own family. I have cried solidly for 3 hours. DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation. My sister seemed surprised that I was hurt but my DS2 is the only one of the cousins not invited. I understand that it is up to the couple who they want to invite but I am still valid in feeling upset. If my own family cannot accept my son's limitations then how can I expect the rest of society to do so.

From the title I was ready to say they can invite who they want but having read the details they are being utterly disgusting OP, honestly.

There's no way that any of you should go, decline the invite (don't worry about politely, they haven't been polite), think no more of it, do something lovely and fun with your DS that day instead xx

This same thing happened in my family, only it was my sister not my child. My parent and I didn't go, neither did my aunt, uncle and cousins- who were offended on our behalf.

My mum, aunt and uncle are all siblings and it was my uncles child who did the invites- well the lack of. So my uncle's son did have his dads half of the family at the wedding.

They caused the family rift by not inviting my sister, who is a happy person and would have behaved despite not understanding what was going on. She came to my wedding and behAved appropriately, but even if she didn't, she's my sister and I love her and she's going to my wedding no matter what people think or say. As far I'm concerned, if you reject my sister, you reject me.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but I don't regret not going to the cousins wedding and I won't put up with intolerance and discrimination.

Having worked at a (fairly high-end) wedding venue for years, I can say without hesitation that the most likely 'sex pest' demographic is 25-64 white males with no intellectual disabilities whatsoever.

That's horrible. I'm usually in the camp of invite who you want. It's you their wedding. In this case I am not ! I think it's awful to exclude DS2. I would be declining for myself and let ds1 make is own decision.

Everyone is different so it's hard to say if they are being unreasonable without knowing you - you mention pester, and excitable ... excitable sounds fine but pestering could be seen as harassment especially as you said girls. Has he caused issues at family gatherings or former events which makes them think he will ruin the evening for others?

Personally I wouldn't dream of excluding dsd who has profound disabilities but she attends events with one of her carers 1:1 and is never left alone. I have been in a situation where a young man kept pinching bottoms and trying to kiss girls which was pretty uncomfortable hence my reservations as to how unreasonable your dsis is.

Is it possible for him to have a 1:1 cater for the duration? Might reassure her

OP I cannot tell you how appalled I am by this couple’s unkind, disability, vile behaviour. I’m also pretty appalled at your sister for nonchalantly passing it on. This is her nephew. It’s disgusting. They should all be ashamed of themselves for even thinking it, let alone thinking it’s ok to casually act on it.

I don’t think I could forgive my sister tbh. And I wouldn’t be going to the wedding.

*disablist

This is so awful OP. Absolutely no excuse for it.

I wouldnt be attending. I'd be so hurt / angry.

@caringcarer

This is very hurtful and discriminatory behaviour. I agree with your DH, your ds1, you and DH all decline invitation. I would not send a card or gift either. I agree if his own family does not accept him as he is what hope does he have of being fully accepted into society. I would think a lot less of dnephew though.

This, wish I could quote two posts at once, because aĺso the one directly below this. How can they be so horrible ? I do get that you are upset but I think that I would be more annoyed in that situation. I would definitely refuse, make it clear why and leave leave them to it. 💐

[quote HomeHomeInTheRange]**@Simplelobsterhat

The OP has specifically stated that her Ds ASKS for a dance and if told no, moves on.

You are putting a lot of energy into being an apologist for disablism, and making some assumptions that sound pretty prejudiced.

Are people with learning disabilities not allowed to ASK for a dance like everyone else?[/quote]
The OP also says this though Tbh he does get a bit excited on occasions but my DH is very strict with him. He has DS and is ver lovable but we do need to set strict boundaries with him. I don't think she has explained how this excitement manifests itself and why her husband has to be very strict with him if he does in fact just calmly ask women to dance and walk away when told no like people are suggesting?
Like @Simplelobsterhat said disabilities or not a grown man who is likely bigger than and stronger than the women being 'excitable' to the point where someone has to be 'very strict' and impose 'strict boundaries' could be intimidating to someone who doesn't know him and doesn't finds excitable advances intimidating rather than lovable.

Like I said in a previous post though if the sister was worried she should have had an open conversation about these concerns.

I would thank her for the invite but decline.

@gogohm

Everyone is different so it's hard to say if they are being unreasonable without knowing you - you mention pester, and excitable ... excitable sounds fine but pestering could be seen as harassment especially as you said girls. Has he caused issues at family gatherings or former events which makes them think he will ruin the evening for others?

Personally I wouldn't dream of excluding dsd who has profound disabilities but she attends events with one of her carers 1:1 and is never left alone. I have been in a situation where a young man kept pinching bottoms and trying to kiss girls which was pretty uncomfortable hence my reservations as to how unreasonable your dsis is.

Is it possible for him to have a 1:1 cater for the duration? Might reassure her

He isn't invited so no, he won't be having a carer with him.

The OP says:

He might ask a pretty girl to dance and tell her that he loves her. If she said no he would move onto someone else. If we felt he was irritating someone we would take him out of the situation. He would probably be interested in dancing with his female cousins who know him well anyway and if he was getting carried away we would deal with it.

So they are more than capable of supervising him.

@bluedodecagon

Wait, do adult people with DS really go up to strangers asking for hugs and being inappropriate? I didn’t realise that behaviour was typical.

Wow. Are you absolutely certain that no one has felt harassed by him?

This is interesting to me because when people talk about DS I’ve never heard anyone bring this up. I didn’t even know it was a symptom of DS.

Sorry I can't understand if this is sarcastic or not, but somehow I feel it isn't. I probably should have known better, but having been involved with disabilities all my life I forget how some people manage, not necessarily intentionally, to avoid having any understanding whatsoever of people with special needs, or any other difference when it comes down to it. For them life is full of "appropriate" behaviour, where everyone is predictably socially acceptable at all times. Unfortunately, or fortunately, as the case may be, life, for a whole load of people, life isn't orchestrated it this way. When you meet people, for example people with special needs, you realise, that whilst your right to safety is obviously a priority, your right to engage with someone who will behave socially in exactly in the way you expect and wish to deal with, isn't always possible. By never ever being flexible in dealing with others, you cut off a whole range of experiences, and that is your choice I suppose but it does come out in your choice of words and how you express amazement at the thought that "adult people with DS" could occasionally hug another person.

They are excluding him because of his disability, lets be clear on that. They are appalling for doing that to your son. I have a son with Autism and he is a teenager now. There is no way I would accept a situation where he had been deliberately left out but the rest of the family were invited. How bloody dare they?! I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

@LetHimHaveIt good point, well made.

@dworky I wouldn’t. I’d say “fuck you and the disablist horse you rode in on”. But I suspect the OP is kinder than me.

Your son sounds lovely, your family sounds ignorant. If I was a guest at that wedding, I'd be happy to have a dance with him.

@PaulaTrilloe

Does he only dance with "pretty girls" is that all girls/young women?

Have you read all of OP's posts? If so I can't understand why you've taken the time to make a snarky comment that seems designed to make her feel like she's said something wrong.

I would decline from the whole family too. That's so hurtful.

My OH used to DJ for a charity that supported children and young adults with DS, and I would help. It was always so much fun, and yes, there was a young man who would tell me I was pretty, would I give him a hug, would I be his girlfriend. The first time it caught me off guard, but I quickly realised it was harmless and a simple smile and "ah no, Billy, but thank you" was enough for him to shrug and carry on dancing.

And the reason that guests in the room might be 'upset' by your DS's behaviour is because they never come into contact with people with learning disabilities in their lives because (some) people try to exclude them from normal life events.

I have an adult nephew with DS. He is the most sociable person you could meet. In a party room full of people he would try and chat to everyone. He has always been included in family parties and although none of his cousins are married yet I'd put money on him being invited to the main wedding never mind the evening do.

I understand your hurt OP although I'm pleased to say my family would not have been so mean. I also had a daughter with a severe LD - sadly she died 5 years ago at the age of 22. But as a child she was bridesmaid twice - once at her uncle's wedding (the bride who was not family actually chose DD) and once at the wedding of a close friend. She was quite clearly disabled, non verbal, in a wheelchair and was fully included in the wedding photos. No bridezillas here.

It’s really shocking to hear that his family have discriminated against him.
Decline the invitation for all of you, and keep in mind that really, they made that decision by excluding him.
They’ve shown their true colours and need to be held accountable for that, by attending you are accepting their behaviour and you wouldn’t even consider going if it wasn’t family.
Sounds like your dh and eldest ds are happy to make that stand so don’t waver, it’s a wedding this time but it will be a christening next, a birthday party, a Christmas event……..

@RoastedFerret I know and work with many families with a member with SEN, and when the OP talks I’d setting boundaries, being strict etc, I understand that to mean that they put that in place so that people are NOT intimidated etc. That they are good at and experienced at facilitating their son’s activity.

I don’t assume that the OP is brushing genuinely problematic behaviour under the carpet.

That assumption to me is based on “yeah, yeah OP, but we know what young men with SEN are really like, he’s obviously a sex pest…”.

Why is it not possible that the OP’s DH is strict in order to be effective?

@Aprilcherry04 would you be as upset if both of your ds’s had been invited in the evening? Or do you feel like he should be invited all day?

Just asking because even though it might make it difficult for you to attend, if they’ve only invited the other cousins for the evening then that’s what they should have done for your ds. I don’t think it would be fair for you to expect that he should be invited all day when the others aren’t.

@PaulaTrilloe

Does he only dance with "pretty girls" is that all girls/young women?

Really? You really went with this as your helpful contribution to the conversation? Bold.

Well he's not invited so I have no need to get a 1 to 1. The problem I have with my son is that people think he's cute and funny and encourage him by offering a hug and laugh when he says he loves them. Then they are surprised when he returns for more attention. That's what I mean by getting carried away. They say things to him like yes they'd love to be his girlfriend and he thinks they mean it. DH and I are always wary of people who are not familiar with him and would discourage this behaviour. It doesn't happen everywhere he goes and as he's got older (and not so cute) people are less indulgent - which is actually a good thing. And yes it is common for some adult people with DS to hug strangers because people I correctly view it as appropriate so it becomes learned behaviour. We haven't had a large family gathering for many years so I think my DN may be referencing when my son was much younger. There is a chance that we may have decided that my DS2 might have not benefited from attending the evening party but I feel that was up to us as parents to decide.

Cruel and hurtful. YANBU.
Also your poor son, I hope people don’t talk about this at events and he realises your family have been excluded.

It’s obvious he’s disabled nobody would be offended. It’s not like he’s shoving people against a wall and poking his penis into them.