Son not invited to cousin's wedding but his brother is

[Aprilcherry04]

My nephew is getting married in a few months time. I was chatting to my sister earlier and she was talking about the wedding and she was telling me that the invites would be out soon. She said of course myself and my husband would be and my eldest son and partner would be evening guests but my youngest son (age 20)who has learning disabilities would not as her son and his fiancée have concerns that my DS2 would behave inappropriately. I explained to her that I would have no one to look after DS2 and she said perhaps my DS1 would look after him to allow me to attend. I would feel bad asking my elder to miss out on the evening party so wouldn't do that. I feel very upset for my DS2 and feel ostracised by my own family. I have cried solidly for 3 hours. DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation. My sister seemed surprised that I was hurt but my DS2 is the only one of the cousins not invited. I understand that it is up to the couple who they want to invite but I am still valid in feeling upset. If my own family cannot accept my son's limitations then how can I expect the rest of society to do so.

My son's behaviour would not be disruptive. He might ask a pretty girl to dance and tell her that he loves her. If she said no he would move onto someone else. If we felt he was irritating someone we would take him out of the situation. He would probably be interested in dancing with his female cousins who know him well anyway and if he was getting carried away we would deal with it. I think the most hurtful thing is not being given the option.

@SometimesRavenSometimesParrot

What does ‘pester girls to dance with him’ actually mean? I can really appreciate how upsetting it must be to exclude him but if they’ve got that specific worry it sounds based in a previous event? Trying to play devils advocate, if he’s got form for being over excitable, pestering people and behaving inappropriately I can understand that they’re worried about their guests. But the decent thing to do would be to work with you on a solution, which could include a veto from them at the point they feel he needs to leave if anything did happen?

I kind of agree with this too. Pestering women is extremely inappropriate and would leave her guests feeling very uncomfortable something which you would not want your guests to feel at an event that you are hosting. I agree that she should have spoken to you about her worries though and you could have found a solution together.

That’s awful

I think your husband is right to decline, and if dS 1 decided to then that’s fine as well. I am afraid I also would not be sending card or gift

And yes I am sorry it will cause a rift. It’s sad as it seems some of his cousins do understand him and will help him enjoy himself.

I have disabled family members and would be really upset if any other family member treated them in this way.

I am afraid as I get older I get less tolerant of those who treat people in this way, and I would now not have anything to do with them moving forward. I would focus on those within the family that do accept him now

@Aprilcherry04

The thing is he does know his cousin very well and he also does understand what a wedding is. I know that my DS1 will also be offended that his brother has not been invited and probably not attend either and this will create a family rift.

I would send a gift with my regrets. This is awful. Rise above by sending the gift, but I think your whole family should stand together on this. Sometimes there are valid reasons for family rifts and if this results in one so be it. A wedding is a merging of families and this seems cruel.

That is such a shame. I wouldn't be attending, and I'd be incredibly hurt by it.

I'd be declining and not sending a gift. Sod that.

It would be obvious to any girl he "pestered" that he has a learning disability, and if anyone was offended by being asked to dance, then that is their issue, not your son's.

As for the poster suggested that the couple might have thought that OP wanted a night off, this is her son. An adult human. Not a rescue dog.

@Spartak Thank you so much for your comment. You have summed up my feelings in a nutshell!

It’s disgusting behaviour on their part , obviously you must decline but don’t decline on the basis of having no body to care for your son , decline on the basis of not wanting to go if that’s how they feel about a member of your family . If they back track just be upfront and say that the damage has been done .

Exactly what type of behaviour will they have observed before OP? Does he touch women whilst asking them to dance and telling them he loves them? I wouldn't want someone doing this to my daughters when they're minding their own business trying to enjoy themselves.

I’m with your DH on this and would decline to attend.

My son had a genetic disorder that caused various health problems and learning difficulties. No one on either side of the family would ever do this as they loved him and embraced him as part of our family. They also wanted to support me and my OH in any way they could because having a disabled child can be hard sometimes.

I suppose I can understand his cousin having concerns about him potentially having some disruptive behaviours but (a) I agree with pp who said that it should be pretty obvious to anyone that he has a learning disability and any decent person would surely be understanding of that but (b) they really should have had a conversation with you about their concerns rather than just deciding not to invite him.

@WTF475878237NC

Exactly what type of behaviour will they have observed before OP? Does he touch women whilst asking them to dance and telling them he loves them? I wouldn't want someone doing this to my daughters when they're minding their own business trying to enjoy themselves.

The lad has got Down Syndrome, he's

@Aprilcherry04Aprilcherry04
*I am absolutely appalled. How hurtful."
I worked as a teacher in Special Ed and our whole philosophy was to destigmatize learning disabilities and inclusion.
OP...I am so sorry. We mothers are so sensitive about our children. We hurt for them. I remember my 12 year old daughter crying in her bedroom because she wasn't invited to a party. I held her in my arms and cried with her.
I would NOT go...I would NOT send a gift and I don't know if I ever could forgive.
She does not trust your ability as parents to intervene when necessary.
I am absolutely disgusted. I am hurt FOR you. For your entire family. Your DH, YOU and your sons.
Hugs and God Bless you... love and light
( Ps if they attempt to backtrack or apologize just say, " The hurt and damage that has been done to us can not be undone. Words can not be undone)

@WTF475878237NC

Exactly what type of behaviour will they have observed before OP? Does he touch women whilst asking them to dance and telling them he loves them? I wouldn't want someone doing this to my daughters when they're minding their own business trying to enjoy themselves.

The lad has got Down Syndrome, he's not a convicted sex offender. He's not going to be whacking your daughters around the head with his penis.

@PiperPosey Thank you so much for your kind words ❤

@WTF475878237NC He knows to ask permission to dance, hug, kiss or touch someone . He has DS which is physically obvious so I would hope that people understand that and would be kind and polite in their refusal. He has asked his DB's girlfriend for a hug in the past and she says no thanks and he just shrugs.

My nephew has downs. If my daughter's excluded him like this I would just be so disappointed in them as human beings...and I would feel Id failed 100% in their upbringing..it sounds OTT but genuinely I would be absolutely gutted.

You will be there and have said your husband will keep an eye and set strong boundaries, and expect his big brother and cousins would be looking out for him too, making sure he has a fun night without anyone getting pestered.

Particularly dislike WTF475878237NC's cold comment.
I'd hope my daughter's were actively approaching and showing kindness to those who might need a little more of it that others not 'minding their own', thank goodness for their cousin with downs who has taught them to have better empathy and human connection..which deeply enrichs their own quality of life.

I wouldn't go to a wedding if someone had deliberately excluded my nephew (and invited his siblings etc).

It was just an example as trying to see why presumably loving family would do this .. but I don't think anyone's daughters should have to put up with unwanted physical contact from anyone. Clearly the bride and groom are worried about behaviour and presumably they know this boy well and socialise with him. Exclusion seems incredibly mean/ extreme if he just asks will you dance with me? Must be more to it.

If your son is 20 and doesnt understand what a wedding is i may assume he is mentally much younger than his age on paper. Maybe it is a no kids wedding? You even said yourself he can be difficult. Maybe weddings aren't the right place for him. And maybe deepdown you know that but i can also understand that it would hurt. A lot.

Is your 25son even interested in going btw? I would have given anything to not go to a wedding at age 25

Just step back and assess. Because your sis has been honest and upfront about it. She may have even said it in a nice way... so dont make the way you explain it to your oldest the reason why it would cause a devide in the family.

I’d also not go, but if they changed their mind and extended the invitation I’d accept graciously. Your son will love it, you get to go, they will have backed down, it avoids a longer term family rift, you may as well be the bigger person if they invite him after all.

@Aprilcherry04

The thing is he does know his cousin very well and he also does understand what a wedding is. I know that my DS1 will also be offended that his brother has not been invited and probably not attend either and this will create a family rift.

I have RTFT but this stood out to me.

There is already a rift and they have caused it, not you.

They have drawn a line between your "acceptable" son and your "unacceptable" son.

What you choose to do about that is up to you, but there is no way I would be attending that wedding.

@Aprilcherry04
You are welcome April...Your son sounds like a sweet, funny, fun guy. Please share this thread with your sister. She needs to see how hurtful this has been to you and your family.
You just continue to protect and love your beautiful son. We got your back.

I would be very interested in the reactions of their other guests if they knew that the "other" cousin wasnt invited purely on the basis of his DS.

@WTF475878237NC

It was just an example as trying to see why presumably loving family would do this .. but I don't think anyone's daughters should have to put up with unwanted physical contact from anyone. Clearly the bride and groom are worried about behaviour and presumably they know this boy well and socialise with him. Exclusion seems incredibly mean/ extreme if he just asks will you dance with me? Must be more to it.

Why must there be more to it? Why are you determined to paint this 20 year old man - not a boy - as some kind of sexual predator?

Maybe the bride and groom are just disablist arseholes, who don't want their precious wedding photos ruined by someone they perceive to not be perfect.

@Spartak
Why must there be more to it? Why are you determined to paint this 20 year old man - not a boy - as some kind of sexual predator?
....................................
Yep! Agree 100%

My db is exactly the same. He loves asking the ladies for a dance! We of course between us constantly supervise him and you can very quickly tell if someone is feeling uncomfortable and we can step in. However, I don't recall a time that has ever happened.

Most people are incredibly warm and understanding that he has downs Syndrome and they will say yes and have a dance and it makes both of them feel good. My db is in fact an incredible dancer too.

Some of the comments on here make me feel so sad. I was really surprised to hear about your nephews stance but sadly seems he's not the only one. My family wouldn't attend any event that left my db out. Let them have their 'perfect day' and stay away.