Son not invited to cousin's wedding but his brother is

[Aprilcherry04]

My nephew is getting married in a few months time. I was chatting to my sister earlier and she was talking about the wedding and she was telling me that the invites would be out soon. She said of course myself and my husband would be and my eldest son and partner would be evening guests but my youngest son (age 20)who has learning disabilities would not as her son and his fiancée have concerns that my DS2 would behave inappropriately. I explained to her that I would have no one to look after DS2 and she said perhaps my DS1 would look after him to allow me to attend. I would feel bad asking my elder to miss out on the evening party so wouldn't do that. I feel very upset for my DS2 and feel ostracised by my own family. I have cried solidly for 3 hours. DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation. My sister seemed surprised that I was hurt but my DS2 is the only one of the cousins not invited. I understand that it is up to the couple who they want to invite but I am still valid in feeling upset. If my own family cannot accept my son's limitations then how can I expect the rest of society to do so.

@WTF475878237NC

It was just an example as trying to see why presumably loving family would do this .. but I don't think anyone's daughters should have to put up with unwanted physical contact from anyone. Clearly the bride and groom are worried about behaviour and presumably they know this boy well and socialise with him. Exclusion seems incredibly mean/ extreme if he just asks will you dance with me? Must be more to it.

I think you are right that there is more to it. Likely the bride and groom are so superficial that they are worried that their cousin will ruin the aesthetics of their perfect wedding and photos.

One of the most fun weddings I attended was my brothers. The brides cousin, who lives with Down Syndrome, was there and was dancing with everyone and having a great time. Dropped me like a hot potato after one dance, I presume due to my less than stellar moves on the dance floor or he was just sharing his love around!

I think you’d be surprised just how unkind the world can be to people with learning difficulties. It’s just very sad for the OP that in this case it’s her own family.

@WTF475878237NC that is.

My DD has cerebral palsy and is wheelchair bound, as her only carer folks know that we come as a unit so it's both of us or none at all. If it was family excluding her I'd be livid and wouldn't go on principal. Maybe they're worried your lovely sociable DS will take the limelight away from them. sending much love your way I feel your hurt

@Marvellousmadness

If your son is 20 and doesnt understand what a wedding is i may assume he is mentally much younger than his age on paper. Maybe it is a no kids wedding? You even said yourself he can be difficult. Maybe weddings aren't the right place for him. And maybe deepdown you know that but i can also understand that it would hurt. A lot.

Is your 25son even interested in going btw? I would have given anything to not go to a wedding at age 25

Just step back and assess. Because your sis has been honest and upfront about it. She may have even said it in a nice way... so dont make the way you explain it to your oldest the reason why it would cause a devide in the family.

The OP had already said that her son understands the concept of a wedding and would enjoy it.

He's a 20 year old man with a learning disability - that does not make him a child.

There is no kind way to tell your sibling that their child is the only cousin excluded from a family event on the basis that they have DS, however nicely you put it.

And why the hell should OP have to lie to her other adult son? It's his brother. If my cousin was behaving in this way, I'd be refusing to go to the wedding too.

This is no more acceptable that excluding a wheelchair user because their wheels might squeak during the speeches or a blind person because their guide dog doesn't match the colour scheme.

It's terrible terrible behavior of them not to invite him. I'm so sorry how hurtful. he sounds so lovely and his presence would only have added to the wedding, their loss unfortunately.

@Aprilcherry04

Thank you for your kind thoughts and advice also. DH is adamant that we will not attend. I am worried that they might try to backtrack when we decline and issue DS2 with an invite then but I would feel too awkward and uncomfortable to bring him then.

Agree with your DH.

Sorry your family is being treated so shabbily.

I'd decline and I'd be telling the entire family exactly why.
If I was another guest and heard that this was the type of wedding I was attending I'd certainly not want to go and support this disgusting behaviour.

I have a son with additional needs and I am so furious and hurt on your sons behalf. How dare they treat your son like an outcast. I would not go and I would not be apologetic about it if anything I would be very clear about my thoughts on their bigoted behaviour. Disgusting.

The thing is there are times I wouldn't take my ds to an event as I know it would be too much for him/he would hate it. But that would be MY choice as his parent to make that call and if I am taking him somewhere I am responsible for making sure he's ok and managing any issues.

I know how hurt you will be feeling right now but remember your son is loved and accepted by the people who are important to him.

@Marvellousmadness I'm not sure there's 'a nice way' to be offensive to a disabled person for being disabled. It's not ok to treat disabled people like they are not good enough because of their disability.

@timeisnotaline

I’d also not go, but if they changed their mind and extended the invitation I’d accept graciously. Your son will love it, you get to go, they will have backed down, it avoids a longer term family rift, you may as well be the bigger person if they invite him after all.

What if they didn't want him to attend because he was black? Or gay? Or adopted? Would it be ok if they changed their mind then? What specifically is it about disability that makes this ok? The op isn't cutting her nose off to spite her face. She lives ina society where her son will face prejudice on a regular basis and she will have had to fight for acceptance for her son. She should not have to do that in her family.

@Brideandprejudice

I'd decline and I'd be telling the entire family exactly why. If I was another guest and heard that this was the type of wedding I was attending I'd certainly not want to go and support this disgusting behaviour.

100% 👏👏👏👏👏👏

@Fleur405 yes people can be horrible to dc and adults with ld and to their families. My dbro has a dd with ld and has found himself dropped by many friends. Lots of people don’t want the hassle and can’t stand the little noises dm makes. Really shows you who your friends are

I’m so so sorry op

Dn not dm

I know that my DS1 will also be offended that his brother has not been invited and probably not attend and this will create a family rift.

The family rift was created the moment your sister and niece decided not to invite your ds.

Your sister suggested your ds1 could stay at home to look after your ds2. From this comment, I don’t think she values either of your children very much.

I would be very much re-evaluating your relationship with your sister and go quiet for now. Once the invitations are out, I would be tempted to send a copy of the Equality act declining the invitation and wishing her a lovely day and commenting that it is a shame that the law doesn’t apply in a family setting. www.equalityhumanrights.com/en/advice-and-guidance/disability-discrimination.

If your sister then comes back to you upset, you can then feign surprise.

@Marvellousmadness

If your son is 20 and doesnt understand what a wedding is i may assume he is mentally much younger than his age on paper. Maybe it is a no kids wedding? You even said yourself he can be difficult. Maybe weddings aren't the right place for him. And maybe deepdown you know that but i can also understand that it would hurt. A lot.

Is your 25son even interested in going btw? I would have given anything to not go to a wedding at age 25

Just step back and assess. Because your sis has been honest and upfront about it. She may have even said it in a nice way... so dont make the way you explain it to your oldest the reason why it would cause a devide in the family.

maybe it's a no kids wedding

What the actual fuck kind of thing is that to say? You've just acknowledged that he's 20. If it was a no kids wedding then that has zero connection to not inviting him as he is not a child. Having down syndrome does not magically make a person younger.

OP i wouldn't be attending either. I think what they've done is disgusting.

If, as you say, your DS accepts a refusal to dance and I wouldn’t call that pestering at all and can’t see what your sister’s problem is. She can’t very much want your other to attend the evening do either by the sounds of it. I don’t blame you at all for being upset and would decline to go myself if I were you.

autienotnaughty:
What if they didn't want him to attend because he was black? Or gay? Or adopted? Would it be ok if they changed their mind then? What specifically is it about disability that makes this ok?
The op isn't cutting her nose off to spite her face. She lives in a society where her son will face prejudice on a regular basis and she will have had to fight for acceptance for her son. She should not have to do that in her family"

Well said! Very well said.

@WTF475878237NC

It was just an example as trying to see why presumably loving family would do this .. but I don't think anyone's daughters should have to put up with unwanted physical contact from anyone. Clearly the bride and groom are worried about behaviour and presumably they know this boy well and socialise with him. Exclusion seems incredibly mean/ extreme if he just asks will you dance with me? Must be more to it.

The 'more to it' to my sceptical mind is 'dont want him in the photos'. I might be completely off the mark but if I had to put money on it, it will be the bride who has sold it as "inappropriate behaviour concerns" but is more likely "not the right aesthetic concerns". Otherwise why would an otherwise close family suddenly start ostracizing? It's awful that the sister is going along with it, but I'd guess she wants to keep the peace with new daughter in law.

OP, I'm horrified for you. We have family with severe learning disabilities and they are ALWAYS invited. It is up to their mom and dad to decide if they think they are up to joining (DN in particular struggles in social situations) but quite often they will come for short periods of time if they don't feel they can do the whole thing. They didn't come to our wedding and their parents did, but that was completely their parents decision. We would have loved to have them there if it wouldn't have been too distressing for them.
I'm with your husband in saying don't go. If he's old enough perhaps give your DS the choice.

Even if they don't want him there, surely they must realise how this makes them look!! You can't just exclude categories of people. They must realise they look like discriminatory arseholes. Anyway I would be prepared to die on this hill and would stand united as a family.

@Marvellousmadness why an earth do you think an adult who happens to have DS should not be invited on the grounds its a "No kids" wedding? He's not a child.

If your DSis thought that ds1 could look after ds2, why didn't she invite them both for the evening?

If the other cousins aren't invited to the day then I don't think she was obliged to invite your ds for the day, but he should be invited for the same time that the other cousins are.

Comment from a disabled woman. She was born with a limb difference - no hand or arm from above the elbow. medium.com/age-of-awareness/infantilising-disabled-people-is-a-thing-and-youre-probably-unconsciously-doing-it-1adf91dc0fc5

This article was only posted in yesterday’s independent, discussing sexuality, disability and a disabled model with Downs. www.independent.co.uk/voices/sofia-jirau-victorias-secret-downs-synrome-b2024418.html

This actually horrific. The idea that someone's night would be ruined by a young man with DS trying to dance with her is disgraceful. That your son should be excluded from family events as a result is abhorrent.
Your whole family should run with your DH suggestion and decline with pegs on your noses.
I'm livid on your family's behalf. What is this, the eighteen fucking hundreds where a person with additional needs was seen as punishment for sin and forced to hide away for shame? A PERSON being the operative word. This is worth starting a rift over.

You are a family of four, you come as a package whether she likes it or not. How dare they pick and choose which members of your family are "appropriate" to attend!

They have actually verbalised this and had at least one conversation about your son and how he may or may not behave among themselves. They obviously didn't consult you as they knew that you'd say that you'd set boundaries and generally look after him, that's not what they wanted to hear so they didn't ask the question.

People can do what they want to me, but don't mess with my children. Have a lovely family day instead and let them stew in their own "perfect".wedding day. Let's see how they cope with drunken guests shall.we, they'll be a much bigger inconvenience thsn your lovely son!! 🤞😋