Son not invited to cousin's wedding but his brother is

[Aprilcherry04]

My nephew is getting married in a few months time. I was chatting to my sister earlier and she was talking about the wedding and she was telling me that the invites would be out soon. She said of course myself and my husband would be and my eldest son and partner would be evening guests but my youngest son (age 20)who has learning disabilities would not as her son and his fiancée have concerns that my DS2 would behave inappropriately. I explained to her that I would have no one to look after DS2 and she said perhaps my DS1 would look after him to allow me to attend. I would feel bad asking my elder to miss out on the evening party so wouldn't do that. I feel very upset for my DS2 and feel ostracised by my own family. I have cried solidly for 3 hours. DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation. My sister seemed surprised that I was hurt but my DS2 is the only one of the cousins not invited. I understand that it is up to the couple who they want to invite but I am still valid in feeling upset. If my own family cannot accept my son's limitations then how can I expect the rest of society to do so.

If there was ever a good enough reason to fall out because of wedding invites it must be this one. I think if your son's behaviour was a serious concern and they indeed loved him and understood his disability your sister would talk to you about that well before sending any invites. Her behaviour quite clearly indicates she sees him as inconvenience and is disablist.
Definitely decline on behalf of the whole family of 4.

Exactly my point! Some of the responses (not the OP at all) are justifying the awful treatment of OPs son as if it’s totally reasonable. Part of me thinks that should not be allowed to stand but the other part of me thinks let people see the reality of disablism.

Sorry that was to @AlternativePerspective (I type too slow)

Oh, OP, how very upsetting.

I am shocked that your own sister feels able to be so blatant in her explanation as if such discrimination is normal.

Though judging by so many snug prim posts on this thread about ‘appropriate behaviour’ it is normal

FFS your son is a nephew and cousin, a family member, with Down’s syndrome. Differently abled.

I would not be able to be honest in celebrating love and family, the spirit of a wedding, with people who had no love or respect for my own family. So if I did attend it would be on fake terms. And the hurt would be there anyway.

The damage is done now anyway. I would need to have a heart to heart with my sister about the hurt if exclusion around disability. Otherwise you are left pretending every is ok, for the rest of your lives.

Damn stupid people who want everything to look and be like a staged manicured constant Instagram feed. Where is the humanity? The warmth? Tolerance and understanding? Imagination?

It’s pretty insulting to their guests too if they think that they can’t adjust their parameters to include someone who clearly has SEN.

Whatever you do about the invitation OP, the issue is that your sister and her Ds have shown their feelings about your Ds.

So sorry you have this to deal with.

Let's hope all the NT men behave well at the wedding.

@bluedodecagon

I’ll be honest, he does sound sexually inappropriate. I mean, what does “getting carried away” mean? You said if he was getting carried away, you would intervene. What does that mean?

It sounds like he would push and pressure girls for a dance and you would intervene to stop him. I’m sorry but I completely understand why your sister doesn’t want that at her wedding.

So many people afraid of others who are in some way different. No one at the wedding would be at risk other than from the their own discomfort which stems from ignorance.

Posters who seem determined to believe the family couldn't be excluding him simply because he has DS and is different live in blissful ignorance.

@bluedodecagon symptoms? It's not a virus.

some times people with neuro diversity don't see social norms the way neuro typical people do so that can include being affectionate, saying hello to strangers etc or it could mean not responding , not wanting to make eye contact and many more. For future reference disabled people are not all the same just like non disabled people really. From what the op said her son likes to dance and would have the confidence to ask an girl to dance and enjoy dancing with her but that he understands what no means.

Tbh it's nt men getting drunk that cause most problems at a wedding. and I’d be hoping they do. In vast numbers. Obviously no violence, but much throwing up and maybe a few smashed glasses the wedding couple have to pay for.

The exact same thing happened to a very close friend of mine. Her autistic ds was the only cousin not invited to her dn's wedding. He is a lovely young man who also has some learning difficulties but posed no 'threat' to the proceedings. So incredibly hurtful.

*I’ll be honest, he does sound sexually inappropriate. I mean, what does “getting carried away” mean? You said if he was getting carried away, you would intervene. What does that mean?

It sounds like he would push and pressure girls for a dance and you would intervene to stop him. I’m sorry but I completely understand why your sister doesn’t want that at her wedding.* and the OP has blatantly stated that he understands that no means no and that they are aware and would keep a close eye.

But hey, why don’t you just pick out the bits which justify your own prejudices.

Carried away can mean all kinds of things. There’s a young lad round here with some fairly significant learning difficulties who I supposed could be described as getting “carried away” sometimes. Not sexually, but he does appear out of nowhere and get a bit close. He is obsessed with my guide dog, and on more than one occasion he has appeared wanting to say hello to him, and because I haven’t seen him coming he has given me a fright. But I just have to say to him that no, he can’t stroke the dog, and then he goes on his way.

Perhaps you would have this young man locked up for the benefit of others eh?

No, let's not delete the disablist posts. They should stand as testimony to how bloody difficult it is for disabled people to participate in society.

I think they've gone about this all wrong and of course you shouldn't exclude someone because of a disability. If they had concerns they should have talked to you about it and if there were ways of managing any potential problems, which of course there are. I'd be very hurt and probably not go.

However, I am wondering if something similar has happened before, as the concern is so specific, and someone has been upset/ scared without you realising.
I strongly don't agree with this idea that a girl should be less concerned about being pestered because someone obviously has downs syndrome. Yes she should be more understanding of why, but he's still an adult man so it doesn't make it any less potentially threatening when he doesn't take no for an answer easily, especially if it was a guest who didn't know him or the family and know you'd step in if needed. I know you said he would take no for an answer, and I'm not saying that is what happened or that it would be justification to leave him out, but I'm uncomfortable with the narrative from some posters that if a girl is uncomfortable with any kind of advances they are automatically prejudiced against disabled people.

My BFF has a daughter with Autism. She was 4 when she was selected as a flower girl during her Cousin's wedding. Family and friends ooohed and ahhhhed as she walked down the aisle because she was adorable...And laughed when she threw most of the flowers at the guests. Her mother laughed the loudest.
At the reception all of us kept an eye on her and couldn't run fast enough to catch her as she jumped in the fountain. She had so much fun in that fountain...soaking wet from head to toe...
Her mama said, " Oh Sara ( Sara loves water) and we just all sat on the grass and laughed with her...We all grabbed our cameras and it made it to the bridal photo book.
My friend said, " Sigh..it's time for Plan B..She called her neighbor and Sara was put into clean dry clothes.
My friend said, "Well, I got Plan C lined up too (Sitter lined up)...if needed." Plan C wasn't needed and Sara had a blast.
And that was 30 years ago and I NEVER forgot that day and the love, respect and joy that day was present.

@Simplelobsterhat

The OP has specifically stated that her Ds ASKS for a dance and if told no, moves on.

You are putting a lot of energy into being an apologist for disablism, and making some assumptions that sound pretty prejudiced.

Are people with learning disabilities not allowed to ASK for a dance like everyone else?

@ChimpyChops

I would decline and tell them why. I'm all for 'their day etc' but this is just very cruel.

Agreed.

I’m so sorry your son is facing this blatant discrimination. It must be so hurtful coming from your own family . I’d politely decline the invitation then plan something nice with your own lovely family that day. Isn’t it so true that you can choose your friends but not your family .

Does he only dance with "pretty girls" is that all girls/young women?

@bluedodecagon

Wait, do adult people with DS really go up to strangers asking for hugs and being inappropriate? I didn’t realise that behaviour was typical.

Wow. Are you absolutely certain that no one has felt harassed by him?

This is interesting to me because when people talk about DS I’ve never heard anyone bring this up. I didn’t even know it was a symptom of DS.

I can't speak for all people with Downs Syndrome but I've seen this. In a children's centre which held life classes for people with disabilities they sometimes used to come into the staff room to make cups of tea. One older man with Downs Syndrome used to ask me to kiss him every time he saw me and said I had a sexy bum. And he was probably harmless but I didn't want to kiss him when I was trying to eat my lunch and embarrassing because I was young and didn't know the correct way of dealing with it. Other staff saw and were uncomfortable and they stopped bringing them into the staff room and into the kitchen instead.

Maybe you should all have a great meal out andoss the wedding - then post lots of pics on Facebook op.
Your relationship with sil is dead on the water anyway. But bloody good on your dh for standing by his family

Some of the replies here make me heeve.

I sincerely hope that the disablist people on this thread don’t ever expect people to include them in their lives if they become disabled in a car crash, or develop a serious illness, or when they get older and lose some of their abilities.

After all, what you wish for others you presumably wish for yourself. Excellent. Glad we have agreement on that.

*heave - no specs on!!

The bride and groom have caused a family rift by not inviting your DS, if you decline the invitation don’t feel that you are responsible for any upset it causes.
It so hurtful your son has been excluded.

God, what an awful proposition. Instagram wedding without any of the warmth, reality and fun of a real family. I can see the day when people start renting bland, aesthetically pleasing families which match their colour scheme.
Fuck em. Write as unemotional a reply as you can and never speak to them about it again. See if any of them dare to respond. They don't love you if they don't love all of you.

I cannot believe some of the responses on here...

OP, I'm so sorry. Where's your DS favourite place to go? Do that! Have fantastic day and please do not even send them a card. Arseholes

How horrible to not invite someone in the family because of a disability. Life is hard enough. The nephew knew it was bad form too so he had his mummy do it for him.