Son not invited to cousin's wedding but his brother is

[Aprilcherry04]

My nephew is getting married in a few months time. I was chatting to my sister earlier and she was talking about the wedding and she was telling me that the invites would be out soon. She said of course myself and my husband would be and my eldest son and partner would be evening guests but my youngest son (age 20)who has learning disabilities would not as her son and his fiancée have concerns that my DS2 would behave inappropriately. I explained to her that I would have no one to look after DS2 and she said perhaps my DS1 would look after him to allow me to attend. I would feel bad asking my elder to miss out on the evening party so wouldn't do that. I feel very upset for my DS2 and feel ostracised by my own family. I have cried solidly for 3 hours. DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation. My sister seemed surprised that I was hurt but my DS2 is the only one of the cousins not invited. I understand that it is up to the couple who they want to invite but I am still valid in feeling upset. If my own family cannot accept my son's limitations then how can I expect the rest of society to do so.

I am sorry this must be very painful for your family. The one thing which is missing for me is I am sorry I don’t think you have as close a relationship with this sister / nephew as you thought you did. Their feelings towards your son did not come out of the blue - they must have felt this way previously and it’s just come to a head because of the wedding. If they had felt this way in the past they could have spoken to you and worked out a solution together. If you were close they can have sat down with you and said we are concerned about X what are your thoughts? Are there any solutions? Instead they have just hurtfully not invited him and cowardly done it through your sister which makes it even worse. I would have to decline the invite as they have not considered your family’s feelings at all.

If your DSis thought that ds1 could look after ds2, why didn't she invite them both for the evening?

Agree. It should have been possible to discuss a way that he could be included.

As it is it sounds as though it will be very difficult for your family to attend any part of the wedding.

Oh my god, I can't believe this post! How utterly disgraceful!

The young lad has Down syndrome, it would be obvious he has extra needs to anyone he approached. And, also, anyone who hasn't lived under a rock or in a precious bubble for their entire lives would know how funny, affectionate and friendly those with DS are! Asking to dance with a pretty girl would be nothing than a harmless source of fun for those who's heads aren't wedged firmly up their arsehole.

I say don't go, throw your own party and WE will all come and have a dance with him instead ❤️

Actually can't believe a family member would be this bloody cruel, I'd let every other single family member know what they are doing. Absolutely ridiculous behaviour.

DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation.

👏👏👏

I would just decline the invitation.

When someone shows you who they are and all that.

I wouldn’t be polite about it. What horrible people.

This is so hurtful from your family. It is staggering that they can think this is acceptable in anyway. Don't go, tell them and tell the rest of your family why you aren't going. Your DS's both sound great, and it is your families loss that you won't be there.

@ineedsun

I wouldn’t be polite about it. What horrible people.

This. I’d be telling my sister as well as the bride and groom exactly how I felt. At the end of the day the family rift has already happened by their actions so you’ve nothing to lose.

I had a similar situation, I was long term fostering my teenage DN (on my DH side), myself, DH and DC's were invited to a family members wedding. She was not. None of us attended. Huge fall out. Sometimes you have to make a stand.

I feel so upset reading this. A wedding is meant to be a family affair, clearly your son would love it and it’s so excluding. It’s incredibly sad that the wedding ‘show’ is being put ahead of love for cousin/nephew.

I would impolitely decline the invitation and explain very clearly to them that they are awful people

OP I think you have too many polar replies on this, people telling you to never speak to them again and others going the extreme opposite . Surely theres a middle ground and you can acknowledge that not everyone would find the evening easy. People are uncomfortable around my brother, for different reasons, he talks to himself and makes loud noises and jumps, but if he wasn't invited to something I just wouldn't say it to him. I probably wouldn't go, but I wouldn't hate them for life, I'd just know that some people can take it, others can't.

@stayathomer

OP I think you have too many polar replies on this, people telling you to never speak to them again and others going the extreme opposite . Surely theres a middle ground and you can acknowledge that not everyone would find the evening easy. People are uncomfortable around my brother, for different reasons, he talks to himself and makes loud noises and jumps, but if he wasn't invited to something I just wouldn't say it to him. I probably wouldn't go, but I wouldn't hate them for life, I'd just know that some people can take it, others can't.

Well they’re a problem not your brother and need to be challenged. If they ‘can’t take it’ they need to get a grip and stop being disablist. Hiding people away because their disability makes other people uncomfortable is bang out of order.

Wait, do adult people with DS really go up to strangers asking for hugs and being inappropriate? I didn’t realise that behaviour was typical.

Wow. Are you absolutely certain that no one has felt harassed by him?

This is interesting to me because when people talk about DS I’ve never heard anyone bring this up. I didn’t even know it was a symptom of DS.

@stayathomer

OP I think you have too many polar replies on this, people telling you to never speak to them again and others going the extreme opposite . Surely theres a middle ground and you can acknowledge that not everyone would find the evening easy. People are uncomfortable around my brother, for different reasons, he talks to himself and makes loud noises and jumps, but if he wasn't invited to something I just wouldn't say it to him. I probably wouldn't go, but I wouldn't hate them for life, I'd just know that some people can take it, others can't.

If I were your mother,I'd be very angry if someone invited you and not your brother to an event.

Excluding people because they have learning difficulties is repellant behaviour.

I’ll be honest, he does sound sexually inappropriate. I mean, what does “getting carried away” mean? You said if he was getting carried away, you would intervene. What does that mean?

It sounds like he would push and pressure girls for a dance and you would intervene to stop him. I’m sorry but I completely understand why your sister doesn’t want that at her wedding.

I wouldn’t be going either. I can totally understand why you feel hurt. However this is their ignorance and their loss. Your son sounds great and I would be love to dance with him. At some point, not before the wedding but tell your sister about this thread. Their attitude has no place in 2022. Hug for you. 💐

This is so cruel and really sad. My nice has learning difficulties. She came to my wedding and was the life and soul of the party, chatting to everyone and dancing. All my friends loved her. If they are inviting him to the meal and not the evening then it can't be assumed they are ashamed of him (which would be awful}). But the behaviour bit doesn't really make sense. I'd maybe try one more conversation to try and really get to what their thinking is. But if you are not happy with the answer then absolutely no gift and don't go. If we are lucky enough to have people like my neice and your son in our families then we treasure them for the joy and craziness they bring, not hide them away.

This thread is bringing it all out isn’t it?

Anyone who thinks it’s acceptable to exclude someone from something because of a disability needs to take a long hard look at themselves.

OP has already said that her son’s behaviour can be (and has been in the past) discouraged by family of it becomes problematic.

Part of me thinks the thread needs to go but the other part thinks that it’s an opportunity to demonstrate the prejudice faced by people with learning disabilities in its full glory.

IMO and IME more people are either deliberately disablist or just completely thoughtless than we think.

I am visually impaired. When I was about 7 one of my aunts went out one summer day and bought a swingbal set (anyone remember those?) for all the cousins. Obviously Swing ball is completely visual so wasn’t anything I would have been able to do. Now in the scheme of things I would have said that was just thoughtless and tbh I wouldn’t have given it much headspace. However, one of my cousins was still only a baby and obviously wouldn’t have been able to play either. So my aunt showed up with this swing ball set, and another toy for my cousin so “she doesn’t feel left out.” (She was less than a year old at the time,) so it was blatantly obvious that I had actually been left out. Completely thoughtless but it still happened.

Another time I had a friend in our local area and another family were on holiday there. They were going to be the beach and asked my friend if she would like to go with them. But there was no invite for me. Friend’s mum said emphatically that she wasn’t allowed to go, that they either take us both (I was there at the time the invite was made) or they take neither of us. And so it was.

And for anyone saying that my friend was punished for me not being invited, her mum was very much of the view that friend needed to realise that it’s not ok to exclude people on the basis of their disability.

Deliberately not inviting a disabled person to the wedding because the bride thinks they might behave inappropriately is not ok on any level, and tbh would possibly even be a deal breaker in the relationship for me. Because the reality is that this disabled person has probably been discussed before. You don’t have a 20 year relationship with someone and then suddenly decide their behaviour is inappropriate, this won’t be the first time he’s been discussed.

Interesting isn’t it that people become offended that people don’t want to invite their screaming tantruming children to weddings, but excluding a person with a disability is seemingly ok.

I would decline (and I wouldn’t be all that polite about it,) and I wouldn’t send a card or a gift. And if that created a family rift then so be it.

I’m sorry that you went through that @AlternativePerspective and thank you for sharing it.

You shouldn’t feel bad declining the invitation for you and DH and your other son. If they can’t see why you wouldn’t want to go then that’s all on them.

Thats unkind. I would decline the invitation. I wouldn't even contemplate sending my other son. I'd get a takeaway and watch a move that evening.

Why does the thread need to go?

At no point has the OP said her son’s behaviour is inappropriate, she has said tht he likes to dance with people and her dh would be on top of that.

Threads like this need to stay as an example of the fact that we still live in a disablist society. Most on this thread have been supportive of the OP, the disablist twats can have their posts reported now that it’s morning.

But to delete threads like this is to sweep the reality of disablism under the carpet.

I would be so upset too OP.
That's shocking prejudice.
My dsil got married 25 years ago and her dh has a sister with ds.
Obviously his dsis was a bridesmaid and she too loved dancing.
It was a big wedding and everyone had a great time.

Tbh it's nt men getting drunk that cause most problems at a wedding.