Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

My partner isn't invited to brothers wedding

225 replies

Andy1234567 · 30/01/2016 17:29

Hello, I separated from my ex-wife nearly 5 years ago. My new partner has lived with me for nearly 1 1/2 years. My brother gets married in May this year and I am his best man and best friend, my three children are bridesmaids and page boy.
My brother told me they weren't inviting my partner as my ex wife phoned his btb and said she couldn't go to the wedding if my partner was there. I'm told she cried and cried to her saying she wanted to see her children at the wedding but just couldn't.
Anyway, she regularly meets my partner as she comes unannounced to our house when I have my children over. She also spent two hours at a sporting event stood 20m away without issue.
My partner was devastated at being told she wasn't invited but insists I should go anyway to support my brother.
I feel I cannot attend, I want to support my partner, my future with her and will really struggle to be at the event knowing that I should be with her.

Prior to this my partner and I regularly met with my brother and his btb. We've babysat for them on several occasions and had meals with them.
I can't understand how they could come to this decision. We were very happy to go to wedding irrespective of who else was going. It's their day not ours.
He is my brother and I want to support him but my future doesn't lie in the past. My kids all love my partner and we have a fantastic relationship together.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 12/02/2016 00:56

She's sticking up for the ex wife (and getting OP's DB to do so also) against her future BiL AND her future FiL. You'd think she'd be more anxious for her future iLs goodwill than the exes. Makes me wonder what the ex has on the fiancée.

MissBattleaxe · 12/02/2016 09:59

I have visions of a Spa filled with depressed mothers, neglected wives and angry/hurt girfriends.

It's like a posh asylum. Hysteria? Melancholia? Send her to the spa.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 12/02/2016 10:32

In most circumstances I'd agree with that Tiger but Andy doesn't want to lose his relationship with his DB and his DP also said she wants him to attend and support his brother, even though he doesn't want to. There are also his DCs and his nieces or nephews to consider too in the wider relationship and the fall out now between DF and his son. This kind of situation can cause a lifelong rift

So the generous gift says that OP and his DP are supportive of the marriage and of the people, whilst at the same time not attending the wedding because of the invitation situation and excluding his partner. That's my thinking and what I'd do.

TheTigerIsOut · 12/02/2016 17:14

Some way I don't think they will take it that way. I understand your reasoning but I think that it may be better to keep things low key while the dust settles.

"It's like a posh asylum. Hysteria? Melancholia? Send her to the spa."
Good grief MissB, for a long time I have been wondering why there were so many hysteria cases in the 19th century but not now. That's it, we are sent to the spa, the saloon, the nail at or even better shopping. Personally, I find cloths shopping if not relaxing, very invigorating.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 15/02/2016 08:50

Op, how is your mum taking all this?

In her shoes, I think I'd have done as your girlfriend originally suggested and sent you without me. Subsequent posts however convince me that you are absolutely doing the right thing in standing up for her - your dad's backing says something, too.

And as for the random dropping by by your ex! Mine never does this, nor does my boyfriend's ex wife. It's seriously not on.

I sincerely hope you can resolve this somehow

MissBattleaxe · 15/02/2016 10:21

Good question Handsome. Andy's mother could have an important say.

Persoanlly I think it's shocking that the ex is being prioritised over family.

My brother's ex wouldn't even get invited. Kids or no kids.

Original poster

Andy1234567 · 22/02/2016 14:20

Hello all, I've just found out from a relative that the wedding has been cancelled. I was told it was a result of all the bad feeling caused on what should be a happy day. I've had no contact from my brother but have text him sending my love to them all and letting him know I'm here anytime he wants to chat.
My thanks again. Andy.

OP posts:

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 22/02/2016 14:32

I think there must be more to it than that, Andy. Please don't feel responsible for what's happened.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 22/02/2016 14:57

Well I wasn't expecting that.

Not your fault Andy. I hope you resume your relationship with your bro but you have been the bigger person in this. Don't doubt that.

Lj8893 · 22/02/2016 15:06

Wow, just read this thread. can't believe they have cancelled the wedding, how ridiculous. There must be more to it than what you are aware of andy. for you and your dp, you both seem like you have a lot of class.

SauvignonBlanche · 22/02/2016 15:17

Not your fault Andy, I know someone who cancelled their engagement following a row over the seating plan.

Totally trivial but he realised that if that was how his fiancée and he were going to negotiate over something like that then they had no hope over the bigger conflicts that married couples can face and he called it off.

MeMySonAndl · 22/02/2016 15:31

Oh hell wasn't expecting that...

Are they still together or are they calling off the engagement too Personally, after surviving my own wedding, I think the best way to get married is to elope. Having said that... I wish I cancelled the wedding looking at the arguments that it caused. They were just a sample of the horror that it was to come after it...

TheEmmaDilemma · 22/02/2016 15:33

I think there are likely bigger things at play. Maybe btb's actions against your Partner being there made your brother have a rethink?

pinklaydee · 22/02/2016 15:38

Wow, cancelling a wedding is a big deal, I would guess that there was more to it than just some bad feeling. It's obvious that the btb and the ex are friendly enough that she would be invited to the wedding, and perhaps the btb and brother just did what they thought was right - without thinking it through, or course. But I do think that the OP was correct.
My DD tried to control my DS wedding - she was getting married in a different church, and DD announced a month before that it if she didn't move it to the family church, he wouldn't go. My DS stuck to her guns and called his bluff - and he did go!
I also had my DD and his wife at my top table, as well as my DM and her husband. I wanted them to be totally equal, even though I knew DM wouldn't like it. DD and his wife have sadly died since, and I am so glad that I did what I thought was right at the time.
Love the idea of the OP and his GF getting married!

chantico · 22/02/2016 15:43

Gosh!

I wonder if it means they are no longer going to marry, or if they intend to replay a different style of service and party?

(Not that you have to tell us, OP, I know I'm just being nosy).

BitOutOfPractice · 22/02/2016 15:52

Blimey! Oh I bet your DC will be disappointed. Obviously this has escalated since you said your piece.

Sorry it's all been so unpleasant for you. I hope you and your brother can patch things up at some point

bigredballoon · 22/02/2016 15:57

I really feel for you Andy.

The ex-wife is the problem in this. If she didn't have a problem with your current partner then everyone would be there, brother is happy with your current partner, btb doesn't seem to have a problem, children absolutely want her there, but the ex-wife doesn't.

Whose fucking wedding is it?

Personally I would go see DB and SIL to be, I would explain quietly and reasonably that it appears the only person that is not happy about the guest list is ex-wife, and if they as a couple would prefer her to attend over you and your new partner then you will accept it with good grace, but you are afraid you will be unable to attend without her as it is setting a precedent for any future family gatherings.

Send them good wishes and present & card/telegram whatever they do now on the day from BOTH of you and don't mention it again.

I suspect the ex-wife is putting the pressure on your brother and SIL and they are taking the easy option.

Unfortunately they are going to have to man and woman up.

PS - do you have parents? do they have any opinion or influence on this unfortunate situation.

bigredballoon · 22/02/2016 15:58

oh well, my reply was a waste of time LOL

I think there is more to the cancelled wedding than the guest list ....

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 22/02/2016 16:14

I wonder if your brother has taken a good look at who he was about to marry in the face of this if his btb was insisting on your ex ahead of your DP.

Definitely don't blame yourself, this is none of your doing.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/02/2016 17:27

Well my goodness, wasn't expecting that!

Hopefully they've just decided to elope, but Andy, as others have said this is in no way your fault if they've called things off. There must already have been serious misgivings on one or both of their parts if they've cancelled a wedding simply because someone, even the brother of the groom, has decided not to attend. I'd take bets that one of them was already thinking of backing out and this gave them an excuse to do so.

Fizrim · 23/02/2016 13:19

Now there's an update we weren't expecting. I think there are other factors involved that you (or your dad, who also refused to go) are unaware of. I hope your brother is OK, and that you and your children are OK with it too.

SisterMoonshine · 23/02/2016 23:13

Crikey.
Your ex has really come between you and your brother.
Are you one of the last to know then?

doughnutslikefannys · 10/03/2016 16:38

Wow, I've just found this thread and didn't expect that last update! There has to be more to it than meets the eye.

oneowlgirl · 14/03/2016 22:36

Oh wow Andy - that's such a shame. Hope everything can manage to work out in the end.

MissBattleaxe · 17/03/2016 21:25

That's a surprise that they cancelled. I bet there was more to it. Maybe your brother was on your side and was disagreeing with the bride behind the scenes, or maybe they realised if they can't agree on stuff like this then they can't have a wedding at all.

Don't feel responsible. I think you have behaved correctly throughout.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Swipe left for the next trending thread