My partner isn't invited to brothers wedding

[Andy1234567]

Hello, I separated from my ex-wife nearly 5 years ago. My new partner has lived with me for nearly 1 1/2 years. My brother gets married in May this year and I am his best man and best friend, my three children are bridesmaids and page boy.
My brother told me they weren't inviting my partner as my ex wife phoned his btb and said she couldn't go to the wedding if my partner was there. I'm told she cried and cried to her saying she wanted to see her children at the wedding but just couldn't.
Anyway, she regularly meets my partner as she comes unannounced to our house when I have my children over. She also spent two hours at a sporting event stood 20m away without issue.
My partner was devastated at being told she wasn't invited but insists I should go anyway to support my brother.
I feel I cannot attend, I want to support my partner, my future with her and will really struggle to be at the event knowing that I should be with her.

Prior to this my partner and I regularly met with my brother and his btb. We've babysat for them on several occasions and had meals with them.
I can't understand how they could come to this decision. We were very happy to go to wedding irrespective of who else was going. It's their day not ours.
He is my brother and I want to support him but my future doesn't lie in the past. My kids all love my partner and we have a fantastic relationship together.

Wow. Bodes ill for future relationships if the BTB prioritizes her BiL's ex-wife over his current partner. I wonder if she'd have done the same if the person not invited was the OP's wife rather than his partner.

And I wonder what the brothers's parents think of this whole debacle.

Hello, I told my brother and future SIL that I respect their decision but I could not attend their wedding. They were very upset and struggled to see why I made the decision. However, it may be that they rethink the situation and SIL said she would speak with ex wife.
Thanks again to everyone.

OhHell what an utterly horrible situation for you! Talk about being between a rock and a hard place.

You sound lovely by the way. Your partner is a lucky women!

I truly hope your DB and his fiancee see the error of their ways and your ex steps the fuck back from this

This is awful. Your DB should invite all 3 of you, and if your ex wife doesn't want to go because your partner will be there, then she can decline the invitation.

Your ex-wife is being given far too much say and power here, and that's so wrong. I actually felt angry on your behalf when I read that you'd told her you wouldn't be going without your partner, and she said "that's your decision".

Andy FWIW, I think you did the right thing. It would have been starting down a long, long rocky road if you hadn't. Today the wedding, tomorrow school plays/concerts, sports games, christenings (if DB has children).

I hope DB and his fiancée reconsider.

I commend you, Andy! Good for you for sticking up for your partner. Too many people cave to mean-spirited machinations "just to keep peace" and that's how bullies gain power.

Well done andy. You've done very well standing up for your DP, mainly because if they couldn't grip why you made your decision then it speaks very clearly as to how they view your DP - i.e. not part of your family.

I'm really struggling how anyone could find your decision hard to understand. If your DP was only very recently on the scene, then yes, or if she'd been the OW during the marriage, but not in the situation as you describe it.

I hope it's all resolved well in the end.

Good luck Andy, I think you've done the right thing, horrible and difficult as it must have been.

Well done for standing up for yourself and your partner, Andy. I think that your brother & the BTB are over-invested in the opinions/feelings of your ex here Why do they 'need to speak with her' ?? It never should have been an issue in the first place - it's your brother's wedding - you are (were) best man, they decide who gets an invite, not your ex-wife.

Crazy! Hope it all sorts itself out and you get to go to the wedding.

Well done, your partner will feel so much more valued with this decision. I hope they come to their senses, have you spoken to your parents about this?

Well dome Andy. Can't believe they are going to consult exW!

They are being spineless, and I hope you've made them understand why it's unacceptable.

You have all my respect. That is the way people should and do stand for their partners.

I can't see why they struggle to understand your point though, but someway I think they will come to their senses.

Am I the only one who is wondering if the ex has threatened removal of the children if the DP goes? Otherwise it is very hard to see why they would not invite the DP as well? But to not invite the best man's partner yet invite his ex is just bizarre. Never mind the fact that the groom and BM are siblings!

I hope it gets sorted easily but I suspect the damage to relations between the brothers is already done, unfortunately.

I thought of that, but I assumed the bride didn't want to loose the children in the wedding so she thought she could get rid of the new partner instead.

Still very petty from the bride and groom, and despicable from the exwife.

Yeah Tiger, I hope we are wrong in our thinking but I am half expecting a 'I can't go if she (DP) is there and the children can't go without me, blah, blah' story to pop up next.

Also, (as Across said) what did your parents say about this - do they know? Does your DP get on with the rest of your family?

Just to clarify, I am expecting the ex to produce the story (not the OP!). Which will leave the bride and groom in a tricky spot. Does either parent have the right to withdraw the children from the wedding? It's a tough one Andy, hope it works out for you all.

Well done - hope you get sorted & things aren't irreparably damaged between you all.

well done :) hope it all gets sorted

I can't see how this damage can be repaired, actually. They're just compounding the insult by "struggling to see why I made the decision."
So, if they go back and discuss it with your ex-wife (wtf has it got to do with her anyway, and why are they effectively asking her permission to allow your new dp to be invited), are either of you going to feel any better knowing that any change of mind and subsequent invitation had to be dragged out of them?

Totally agree with Clam. If this was me I wouldn't be going to the wedding even if they now extended an invitation to your partner.

What a horrible situation to be in. How would your brother feel if the boot was on the other foot and it was his partner you wanted to exclude on your wedding day in favour of his ex. Would a letter or email explain things further as they don't seem to understand the issue at hand. Surely blood is thicker than water. What does your other family members feel on the situation? Major respect for not allowing this behaviour. I dont understand how your brother can ask you to share in a celebration of his wedding and commitment whilst at the same time not show the same consideration to your relationship. I hope you come to a resolution and karmas bites your exw in the bum. She is proberly enjoying the drama and issues her demands have caused.

Hello all, a few days have passed and we've not heard anything.
My dad has fallen out with brother and SIL after numerous conversations asking them to reconsider. He is now refusing to go as well. I didn't want this and have asked him to go, it's my point to make. Our friends can't understand either. Anyway, I appreciate every response I've had. If I'm being honest I'm hoping they will see sense, apologise for the hurt and invite everyone. Time will tell. Many thanks, Andy.

I am sorry that your brother and future SIL are still not setting sense, but I agree with the previous posters that you needed to stand by your partner. I hope that things calm down again eventually.