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Original poster

My partner isn't invited to brothers wedding

225 replies

Andy1234567 · 30/01/2016 17:29

Hello, I separated from my ex-wife nearly 5 years ago. My new partner has lived with me for nearly 1 1/2 years. My brother gets married in May this year and I am his best man and best friend, my three children are bridesmaids and page boy.
My brother told me they weren't inviting my partner as my ex wife phoned his btb and said she couldn't go to the wedding if my partner was there. I'm told she cried and cried to her saying she wanted to see her children at the wedding but just couldn't.
Anyway, she regularly meets my partner as she comes unannounced to our house when I have my children over. She also spent two hours at a sporting event stood 20m away without issue.
My partner was devastated at being told she wasn't invited but insists I should go anyway to support my brother.
I feel I cannot attend, I want to support my partner, my future with her and will really struggle to be at the event knowing that I should be with her.

Prior to this my partner and I regularly met with my brother and his btb. We've babysat for them on several occasions and had meals with them.
I can't understand how they could come to this decision. We were very happy to go to wedding irrespective of who else was going. It's their day not ours.
He is my brother and I want to support him but my future doesn't lie in the past. My kids all love my partner and we have a fantastic relationship together.

OP posts:
VictoriaButler85 · 30/01/2016 18:40

I think you should just go. You don't have to talk to him and if you do act maturely. The day is not about you and I am sure it would mean a lot to your brother if you both attend!

JapanNextYear · 30/01/2016 18:41

I'm in the minority, but I don't think you should miss your brother's wedding. See if you can come to some kind of compromise, but if you can't, you should go. Definitely talk to your brother about how uncomfortable this makes you though.

It's your family, not going sends all kind of messages about events in the future.

I don't think it's weird they've invited ex, she still the mum of their nieces and nephews. But it's a shame she can't behave like a grown up...

Inertia · 30/01/2016 18:47

I don't think it's strange for your ex-wife to be invited- all of my family are close to my SIL after my brother left her and their children, and she is certainly still treated as close family even though new SIL stamps her feet about it.

However, she shouldn't be emotionally blackmailing your brother about who he and the bride invite.

Shapebandit · 30/01/2016 18:47

I think you need to talk to your brother tonight. If you've already told your ex that you aren't going you need to tell your brother in a kind way before she tells them in a less kind way!

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 30/01/2016 18:48

I don't think its weird they invited her either. They have sled her children to play an important part in the wedding and of course she will want to see them. Ditching people when a marriage ends is awful if that person did nothing wrong.

Yes she should put up with your partner there but I imagine it's hard to watch some other women play happy families with your own children. That's very different to seeing them at a sporting event.

He's your brother and will always be that. Partners may come and go as you have seen. Talk to him and your ex rather than simply spit your dummy out and not go. You are all adults and can surely find a solution.

GabiSolis · 30/01/2016 18:49

It would be awful if you missed the wedding, but I understand why you feel like you have no other choice as it stands. I think you need to be frank with your brother and make your position clear. Try not to make it sound like an ultimatum, but you do need to be honest.

roundaboutthetown · 30/01/2016 18:49

Oh dear - your db's btb has let herself be emotionally manipulated by your ex. The only fair thing they could and should have done is to invite you all. If your ex had felt unable to attend on that basis, it was her problem and she should never have made it their problem. What a bitch!

If I were you, I would feel I had to explain to my db that you do not have a problem with your ex and your new partner both being at the wedding and that you understand the ex has put him in an exceptionally difficult position, but you could not in all conscience attend a family wedding from which your partner had been deliberately excluded, as you feel that to be an undeserved and very public slight.

alltouchedout · 30/01/2016 18:49

I'd tell my brother that my relationship is as important as his and ask him why on earth he thinks I'll want to celebrate his if he totally disregards mine?

Original poster
Andy1234567 · 30/01/2016 18:52

Hello again, my ex is friends with btb but not good friends however since she became aware I was living with my partner they see each other more. I've not told my kids as they will be really upset. I'll let them know when the time is right.
I spoke with my brother when he told me. I was explaining how much we were looking forward to the day and that my parter had started her diet! (She doesnt need to) and was looking at dresses to wear on Internet. He went quiet and told me then. I discussed it with him for an hour and left it asking him to reconsider.
I didn't say anything to my partner that day and spoke with brother the next asking him again. He said the decision was made, his btb didn't want any ill feeling at their wedding.
I've not said anything to brother since about this. I was hoping the situation may change and that they would see my side. I hoped my ex would reflect and speak with btb and work it out.
Thanks again for all your support.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 30/01/2016 18:57

I wouldn't like to go to an occasion where my ex was there with his wife - but firstly I wouldn't expect to be invited (sometimes I am because he lives abroad and usually can't go) and if I were, I would decline, saying that it would make me feel uncomfortable. This has never been a problem.

I would hate to be at a function where my presence was resented by any of the other guests.

Funinthesun15 · 30/01/2016 18:58

she comes unannounced to our house when I have my children over.

I'd personally be putting a stop to that tbh.

DinosaursRoar · 30/01/2016 19:02

I think it's a bit late for not wanting ill feeling at the wedding, they have prioritised your exW over your current partner - the person who's no longer part of your extended family over someone who currently is. It's more complex if the exW is being invited as a friend of the bride rather than in her 'role' as previously being part of your family.

When you talk to your brother face to face, say you don't want any upset, but obviously, your partner is finding it very hard to be uninvited, that in any other family, the person you've been living with for 1.5 years would be considered 'close family' to be invited as a priority over friends, that she's also your DD's step-mother and if this was anyone else's wedding, she'd be attending with you and the girls as their step-mum.

The only reason I can see why the bride might feel her friendship with your exW should be prioritised over her husband-to-be's relationship with his brother and sister-in-law is if your current partner was the other woman and the reason you and your exW split up. (families often struggle to accept an OW as the new partner in the way they would if you'd just met her when single, even if they have 'forgiven' you for your behaviour.)

PreAdvent13610 · 30/01/2016 19:04

his btb didn't want any ill feeling at their wedding she didn't really think that one through, did she.

Good luck, you are between a rock and a hard place.

DinosaursRoar · 30/01/2016 19:06

Oh and make it clear how upset you and your DP (their sister in law, start calling her that to them!) are about this, but you should still go, even if you say you'll only stay for the ceremony.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 30/01/2016 19:10

If my brother did this to me, I would consider it grossly disloyal. I think I would consider not going to the wedding - I honestly can't say really, as I just can't imagine a brother doing this! It is so unreasonable - the btb is basically putting a friend/ your ex-wife's feelings before that of the groom's brother and best man.

Your ex wife being invited is fine - her emotionally blackmailing the bride to not include your partner is not.

Xmasbaby11 · 30/01/2016 19:11

Although I don't agree with your brother, I would go to the wedding with the children regardless. Ultimately it's his wedding, his guest list and his decision. I wouldn't fall out over it - but then I am not confrontational.

roundaboutthetown · 30/01/2016 19:13

As best man you wouldn't really be able to stay only for the ceremony without attracting an awful lot of gossip! Best men are normally expected to give a speech, after all... Presumably there will be a lot of people at the wedding who know you have a well established partner who lives with you. You will no doubt therefore be asked again and again why she isn't there... You have been put in a farcical position by your very silly ex wife.

honeysucklejasmine · 30/01/2016 19:15

If I was asked where my partner was, I would struggle to not say "at home, because ex threw a hissy fit and refused to come if she did".

Not big or clever perhaps, but bloody tempting.

DinosaursRoar · 30/01/2016 19:19

Oh yes, roundaboutthetown makes a good point, you will be asked over and over where your DP is. I would point this out to your brother, no one would bat an eyelid that your exW isn't there, she wouldnt' be expected, what with her no longer being part of the family, on the other hand, everyone will be asking you about why your DP isn't there, and say you won't lie to avoid causing upset or gossip at his wedding - there is no nice way to tell this story without making the bride sound like a dick (unless your exW was part of her family, or her best friend from first day at school or something).

clam · 30/01/2016 19:21

Oh dear, this is horrible! You poor things.

I mean, can you imagine any other scenario, whereby someone was hosting a function and discussing the guest list but saying, "OK, so John and Janet? No, let's leave Janet out and just invite John and his ex partner from years back, Jane, instead."

SenecaFalls · 30/01/2016 19:21

And if the truth is not told about why she isn't there, people may assume that the partner is the one who unreasonably boycotted the wedding because the ex was there, which would really be unfair.

cannotlogin · 30/01/2016 19:23

your ex wife shouldnt be there. Inappropriate

It is inappropriate that the ex appears to have done some emotional manipulation which has resulted in the OP's partner not being invited to the wedding.

It is not inappropriate that the ex should be invited. The OP's family are allowed to be friends with whoever they want to be - and that includes ex partners of their siblings. There is no rule that says when a relationship breaks down, you have to stop being friends with someone when you have no direct involvement yourself. In fact, to expect family members not to continue relationships - particularly where relationships may have been close or over many, many years/decades - that would be in appropriate.

The OP has made it clear that neither he nor his partner have an issue with the ex being at the wedding, which is how adults behave. It is the ex that seems to be the root of the issue here.

Ragwort · 30/01/2016 19:23

Is your ex-wife mother to the three children, presumably she was sister in law to your brother for a number of years? Why should she be 'ditched' just because you have a new partner - we don't know why you separated; is your new partner the 'OW' - there are all sorts of issues here, why are you so keen to take your partner to the wedding, can't you just go as Best Man and enjoy the time with your children?

I can't understand why 'new partners' are so keen to get involved in these sorts of tricky family situations, she is quite right that you can attend on your own. If I was the 'new partner' I would stay away, retain my dignity, and let everyone else enjoy the occasion.

Allyearcheer · 30/01/2016 19:24

Pp is right that this is likely to set a precedent for ex wife dictating the non attendance of your partner at future events. Has your brother considered this?
I feel really sorry for you. What a horrible position to be in. Your family really should be prioritising you and your partner, not your ex. If she feels that uncomfortable she should have declined the invite.

Hygge · 30/01/2016 19:25

I don't think you can go really.

For all the reasons roundaboutthetown has stated. What on earth are you meant to say to people who ask where your partner is?

I can't understand why your ex would want to put everyone in this situation, or why your brother and future SIL would go along with it.

Your future SIL might not want bad feeling at the wedding but she's potentially caused bad feeling in the family for years to come.

It might be relevant to ask though, was your partner the OW in your marriage?

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