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Original poster

My partner isn't invited to brothers wedding

225 replies

Andy1234567 · 30/01/2016 17:29

Hello, I separated from my ex-wife nearly 5 years ago. My new partner has lived with me for nearly 1 1/2 years. My brother gets married in May this year and I am his best man and best friend, my three children are bridesmaids and page boy.
My brother told me they weren't inviting my partner as my ex wife phoned his btb and said she couldn't go to the wedding if my partner was there. I'm told she cried and cried to her saying she wanted to see her children at the wedding but just couldn't.
Anyway, she regularly meets my partner as she comes unannounced to our house when I have my children over. She also spent two hours at a sporting event stood 20m away without issue.
My partner was devastated at being told she wasn't invited but insists I should go anyway to support my brother.
I feel I cannot attend, I want to support my partner, my future with her and will really struggle to be at the event knowing that I should be with her.

Prior to this my partner and I regularly met with my brother and his btb. We've babysat for them on several occasions and had meals with them.
I can't understand how they could come to this decision. We were very happy to go to wedding irrespective of who else was going. It's their day not ours.
He is my brother and I want to support him but my future doesn't lie in the past. My kids all love my partner and we have a fantastic relationship together.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 04/02/2016 18:10

sadly this was always going to drag in wider family. Their wedding will be always remembered harshly as the cause of upset within the family, not a happy occasion, even if they do 'see sense' (which probably won't really be seeing what they've done so wrong, but wanting to avoid their day being spoilt by none of the grooms' family going).

It occurred to me thinking about this again, that if the genders were reversed, if it was the groom inisisting that the bride's sister's ex-husband was invited to the wedding and banning the sister's new partner, causing the sister to feel she couldn't go, (as well as several other members of the brides' family), I'd assume it was a delibrate attempted on the groom's behalf to cause distance with family and isolate the bride, so she was more vunerable after marriage. Woman can be abusive as well, I would keep an eye on your brother, he might need you in the coming years.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 04/02/2016 18:46

Or it could be the ex-wife being a bit of a master manipulator and sitting back enjoying the family rift she's caused.

Sunbeam1112 · 04/02/2016 19:18

I'm glad your dad is voicing his opinion. Is your exw so important to cause such a impact on your family. Its quite shocking. I wonder if its coming from your SIL than you brother. People shouldn't treat families in this way. I hope the issue get resolved soon.

Shutthatdoor · 04/02/2016 19:26

Or it could be the ex-wife being a bit of a master manipulator and sitting back enjoying the family rift she's caused.

That had crossed my mind

cuntycowfacemonkey · 04/02/2016 19:32

I think you've made the right decision and are being very generous to you db in not trying to get others to take your side. I'm shocked that they can even think this is ok and I suspect your ex is rather enjoying this as underthegreenwoodtree has suggested

eddielizzard · 04/02/2016 19:39

i agree with UnderTheGreenwoodTree. loved that book too.

Farahilda · 04/02/2016 19:51

It's a sorry saga, isn't it?

I've been wondering why they decided that your ex and your DP cannot be invited to the same event, because from what you've posted there seem to be no reason for that whatsoever.

I suspect your key issue now will be how you present all this to your DC, and I hope you can find a calm and positive tone, and ways of putting it that do not leave them thinking the worse of any of the adults involved.

Curlywurly4 · 04/02/2016 20:04

Gosh how difficult for you all. Seems very odd they can't see they are being unreasonable about this. I agree weddings should be happy occasions but sounds like they are not getting off to a good start.

venusinscorpio · 04/02/2016 20:07

You totally did the right thing OP, whatever the fallout. Your brother is weak, the bride is silly and herself controlling and demanding or she would have respected your right to take your partner, and also considered that it would make things difficult in future for her own fiance. She won't be able to control all future family occasions.The ex is manipulative and clearly trying to get at you, rather than your partner who had nothing to do with your relationship with her. This poor behaviour by all shouldn't be rewarded.

It surprises me that your brother and his bride to be "struggled to see why you made that decision". I think it's perfectly obvious.

oneowlgirl · 04/02/2016 21:47

That's crap Op, sorry to hear that. I really do hope it gets resolved & you & your DP get to go & enjoy the day.

Fizrim · 05/02/2016 12:31

Gosh, is there more of a backstory to this as it seems such a baffling decision. Do the children know that you won't be going yet? Is it a church wedding where you can go and see them (the children!) and then slip away?

MissBattleaxe · 05/02/2016 13:44

The brother is actually putting the ex wife first, above other family members.

The ex wife is lucky to be invited to the wedding of a former in law. She should certainly not be adding conditions. And they should certainly not be allowing her to.

The situation should be this:

Groom "DB is bringing his live-in partner to the wedding"
Ex wife "If you let him bring her I won't come"
"I'm sorry you feel that way, but he's my brother and best man. Up to you if you come."

Not

Ex wife "If you invite your brother's DP I'm not coming."
Groom "Oh OK, I'll tell him she's not invited even though he's my brother and the best man and his children are in the wedding party."
ex wife "yes, that's what I want to happen at the wedding of my ex husband's brother and his bride who is nothing to do with me"

venusinscorpio · 05/02/2016 14:51

YY, MissBattleaxe. Totally unreasonable and odd way of thinking.

TheTigerIsOut · 05/02/2016 18:01

Sorry to hear it has descended into this. I bet exwife is rejoicing in her creation of such mess, but this has only happened because your brother is allowing it. It is not your fault and it is a very upsetting situation for all involved BUT sometimes big blow outs are needed to put in place healthy boundaries around people's behaviour and expectations.

Glad your dad has taken the same stance. It is the right thing to do.

TheTigerIsOut · 05/02/2016 18:04

Ps. I also expect this will be a lets see who blink first, so keep your ground. If you back off, the only thing you would have achieved would be that they know that if they offend your partner, eventually you will get on with it, therefore putting your partner in a very vulnerable position (I bet they are blaming all this mess on your partner, even when she has not done anything to attract such treatment.

PersephonePitstop · 05/02/2016 18:06

I can see why she's your Ex.

TheTigerIsOut · 05/02/2016 18:08

Sorry, meant to say that if you back off they will know that no matter what they do, eventually they will get away with it.

LeaLeander · 05/02/2016 18:14

Good of your dad to stand up for you and your partner. Sorry it's come to that but I am glad that most of your family see how unreasonable the B&G are.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/02/2016 18:14

Your ex is a piece of work.

If she is honestly happy with this outcome - her attending your brother's wedding instead of you - then she's quite a spiteful person. Is your brother honestly saying he'd prefer her to be there over you? Confused

It's perfectly normal for couples to split, and remain close to their ex's family/friends. But not to the extent of actually pushing the blood relation out.

MissBattleaxe · 05/02/2016 18:18

I actually think its a bit tactless of them to even invite your ex, especially as you're clearly not bessie mates with her. After all, she doesn't have to attend every wedding her children will attend.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 05/02/2016 18:32

Well I think even if DP gets an invite the damage is done!!

MissBattleaxe · 05/02/2016 18:34

Yep. The OP will know that when push comes to shove, his brother will side with his ex sister in law over his own brother.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 05/02/2016 18:39

I wish the bride & groom would read this thread, because I don't think a single person thinks they are acting reasonably. They're acting bloody weird tbf.

My stepmother went a bit strange in the aftermath of my dad leaving her - tried to get all his family together and get them on her side, including his children! Subtly trying to turn them against him, I even had his sister (my Aunt) on the phone, bitching about him. My mum had to step in, in the end, and sort it all out, because it was upsetting me and my DB so much. It was awful.

But this is 5 years later - there's really no excuse for it.

PrimeDirective · 05/02/2016 19:00

Your ex is a manipulator and your brother and SIL are spineless.

You have done the right thing - you have to make a stand on things like this because you have chosen your partner and you can't allow them to exclude her.

I hope they see sense. I cannot understand their way of thinking. If they want to invite her then that's fine, but she should never have a say in demanding anything. How incredibly rude of the 3 of them.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/02/2016 19:19

Andy I just wanted to add my support.

You have absolutely done the right thing.

DH and I have had untold problems over the years because his family just cannot (will not) detach from his ex.

When his mother chose not to come to our wedding because it would be too awkward for his ex, but went to hers a month later, it was the straw that broke the camel's back for them, I think and we are all NC now. (Not because of that.)

Before they went NC there was an event that I was very specifically not invited to because it would upset ex. I have no idea why, they'd been split up nine years when I met him. MIL wouldn't put up any pictures that I was in because it would upset ex, whose picture she had framed in her living room.

It's all a bit weird.

Anyway, this event, I told dh he should go as they were his family and I would support his decision etc. etc.

He refused for the same reasons you did and I have to say it meant the world to me that he stood by me, more than I thought it would actually.

So you've absolutely done the right thing, IMO.

I'm sorry about your dad but this is your brother's doing, not yours.

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