My partner isn't invited to brothers wedding

[Andy1234567]

Hello, I separated from my ex-wife nearly 5 years ago. My new partner has lived with me for nearly 1 1/2 years. My brother gets married in May this year and I am his best man and best friend, my three children are bridesmaids and page boy.
My brother told me they weren't inviting my partner as my ex wife phoned his btb and said she couldn't go to the wedding if my partner was there. I'm told she cried and cried to her saying she wanted to see her children at the wedding but just couldn't.
Anyway, she regularly meets my partner as she comes unannounced to our house when I have my children over. She also spent two hours at a sporting event stood 20m away without issue.
My partner was devastated at being told she wasn't invited but insists I should go anyway to support my brother.
I feel I cannot attend, I want to support my partner, my future with her and will really struggle to be at the event knowing that I should be with her.

Prior to this my partner and I regularly met with my brother and his btb. We've babysat for them on several occasions and had meals with them.
I can't understand how they could come to this decision. We were very happy to go to wedding irrespective of who else was going. It's their day not ours.
He is my brother and I want to support him but my future doesn't lie in the past. My kids all love my partner and we have a fantastic relationship together.

?.Ragwort? Nobody is excluding the ex or even suggesting she be excluded. Did you not read the OP?

The OP mentioned that he and his partner socialize with his brother and his fiancee regularly and have even babysat for them so there does not seem to be any bad feeling toward the partner.

If one of my siblings prioritised my exH over me like this I'd be livid. I certainly wouldn't be going to the wedding and I'd think our relationship was permanent damaged by it.

I can't understand why 'new partners' are so keen to get involved in these sorts of tricky family situations, she is quite right that you can attend on your own. If I was the 'new partner' I would stay away, retain my dignity, and let everyone else enjoy the occasion.

The OP has lived with new partner for over 1.5 years so presumably been together a lot longer. He has been separated from his ex for over 5 years.

So every occasion in the future you expect the OPs parter to never attend? WOW.

Maybe the exW should take a step back and stopemotioally blackmailing members of the OP family.

Ragwort - because she's no longer part of the family, whereas someone who's lived with the brother for 1.5 years is part of the family. Nice to stay friends, but it's not like the OP is saying "you can't invite my exW as your friend" it's the exW saying that she should be a priority over someone who is a current member of the family.

Living together for a year and half isn't a 'new partner' - it's pretty established. Your DP's brother's wedding shouldn't be a 'tricky family situation' - most people would call the woman their brother has lived with for over a year as my "sister in law", and would just assume they would be invited as a couple.

If she was the OW it does become more complex, but still the bride and groom should be telling everyone involved that everyone's invited and it's down to them to decide if they want to go or not rather than getting involved.

(if the OP goes on to marry his DP in the future, would anyone think it would be normal to not invite his brother's wife?)

OP you have already discussed it with your brother then in all honesty. It looks apparent to me that your ex has influence in your extended family and is manipulating it to get back at your DP. She has met more with the btb in the days leading to wedding planning etc. So it's obvious there is some drama involved there.
If I were you, I would still meet with your brother on the decided day and politely ask to find another best man while there is still time. Be firm with it.
And you better put a stop to her unannounced visits. She should have more grace than that. That's not good for your DCs. They will never form a solid relationship with any three of you adults.

I feel very sorry for your brother and i think btb is being u for not considering the implications for her new family, over a relatively casual friendship. It would be awful if you didn't go to the wedding and/or were no longer best man over this.

Ex is also bvvvu and she is the only one causing bad feeling.

Your partner should be invited. Your ex can come, or not come. The wedding has nothing to do with her.

If the couple agree to this, could you be the one to tell your ex? I realise they are in an awkward position. It sounds like you need to establish some boundaries too. Something like- 'i'm with DP now, and we will be attending my DB's wedding together. It would be nice if you could come to to see the DCs, but if you really can't do that, then that's up to you.'

To be fair to the OP's 'new' partner, they have been living together for a year and a half, and so have been together as a couple for presumably much longer than that.

It's fairly reasonable of her to expect to be invited to family occasions on that basis, she's not a new partner of just a few weeks or months, she's a long term live-in partner of the OP.

Some relatives/ exes are never happy no matter how hard the whole family tries. They will try to screw it up for their own pleasure. In recent past we have had to tell some off from weddings if they did not want to. We sent invites out just like everyone else. Then started the drama. After a while, we put a united front as a family and told anyone who was trying to manipulate to basically sod off to that particular land.

You're doing the right thing by not going. And yo be honest even if btb backed down and then said your partner can come I still wouldn't go. She's made her feelings clear and if I was your partner I wouldn't want to go somewhere I wasn't welcome.

I don't get the BTB saying she doesn't want any ill feeling at the wedding whilst actively promoting deep rooted ill feeling

Looking at it from your point of view OP, would I want to attend a wedding, any wedding, where my live in DP was excluded? No.

If I were the DP would I be happy being excluded? No.

If I was an ex SIL would I expect to attend the wedding?
I'd go along to see my DCs do their bit and then discreetly melt away unless it was all amicable between everyone and we were all invited on equal terms.

You've been separated for 5 years and your ExW regularly comes over uninvited, so I'm struggling to see what her issue is on this particular day, other than making it difficult for you OP and your DP.

I think you are right in feeling it is not right to exclude your new partner so your ex wife could be at your wedding.

To be honest, if you are serious about your current relationship, you need to make sure that your brother and stb SIL understand that they cannot exclude your partner from family life to please your exwife.

Personally, if I were your partner, I would tell you that you need to go to the wedding, but I would never forgive you for allowing your family to exclude me in such a way.

You need to talk to your brother and stand your ground. What kind of precedent will you be setting if you show your partner and your family that is ok to hurt to your current partner to protect the unreasonable feelings of woman you have not been with for 5 years.

If she is still so sensitive about seeing you with someone, even after all these years, though it is her choice not to attend but asking for someone to be excluded to maje her happy us absolutely crap.

Sorry.

I seriously bout the ex or the btb are going to change their minds and the situation is going to magically resolve itself.

So I think you can either go - take DC and make the best of the day as you current DP seems happy for you to do .

Not go - would your ex then be taking the kids or would they not go and what kind of fall out would that have.

Go but decline to be best man and tell them your not comfortable with that role as it's to prominent in service when your DP isn't there as ex seems on some kind of mission to cause upset in your view.

Say you'll not go - and hope for some kind of concession - but might they accept that , will cause ill feeling with your brother, btb and anyone else they tell plus current DP might not have a good day there if ill will persists especially if your busy in the wedding party.

None are great solutions - and I'd be wary of the btb as well in future I'd be worried that she's someone who enjoys shit stirring as you say it's only afterwards she found out your ex was your ex they got closer.

It might be best to not provide any drama if possible which might be why your current DP is happy for you to go by yourself.

At your brother's wedding, I meant to say.

What kind of precedent will you be setting if you show your partner and your family that is ok to hurt to your current partner to protect the unreasonable feelings of woman you have not been with for 5 years.

I have to admit this would be a worry - if you did go and not take your DP.

However might be easier to decline such situations in the future - as wedding are very emotive and missing your brothers could been seen as a big thing held against you for years by the couple and wider family. ( It was in mine to point one sister missed a funeral of her sibling as they hadn't attended their wedding over 40 years before).

I would decline and also withdraw the children from the wedding. Your brother has made clear that for some bizarre reason he would rather insult you, your partner and your family than displease your ex-wife.

That's all you need to know, really. If there are hard feelings in the future he need only look in the mirror to find the right person to blame.

If I were in your partners shoes and you chose to participate in the wedding under these circumstances, it would be a deal-breaker. And I'm not a big wedding person, nor necessarily a fan of the "must attend everything together" mindset. But this is a huge slap in the face.

Exactly, when it comes to soecial family events, weddings are at the top of the list. The more the readon not to exclude the current partner.

Your brother doesn't deserve your loyalty, I wouldn't go without my DP just so my ex could, your family not hers and regardless of if she's now a friend of SIL this really is crappy behaviour from all of them. I would question my brothers loyalty too!
Disgraceful and in my humble opinion if you do go without your DP then you are setting a precedent for your ex to make more and more demands and try and exclude your DP from all family life.
I truely believe in picking the right battles and this is one that you need to fight.
Good luck.

That is so hard Op - you really have been put in an impossible position. I can't see how your DB even thinks this is slightly reasonable??

Could your parents intervene at all?

I think I would go to the wedding without my DP, he's your brother. But, I would tell him and brb that you will no longer be best man, as you don't feel that you and yours have been treated with the respect that best man and best friend should be. You are the 'best' yet someone else has been treated better than you have been. You will going but you will be one of the ''regular' guests. So you will go and enjoy seeing your children enjoy themselves and you will leave at ten pm (or whatever time) your DC leave.

I realky don't think the brother should be forced to decide which woman should attend. He has done the right thing by knviting both. The person that is out of order here is the exwife. If she feels uncomfortable, she should do the right thing and decline the invitation, rather than putting family members against each other.

Ragwort has articulated what I was thinking. I agree.

I would also decline to go without my partner, and also take the children out of the wedding. It's totally unreasonable for your brother to ask you to support the beginning of his new family life while putting the wishes of your ex above your family.

You need to make a stand now so that they realise your relationship with your partner needs to be treated with respect in future.

I would also speak to your ex wife and make it clear you are not impressed with here trying to emotionally manipulate other members of your family, and put a stop to her turning up unannounced at your house.

I do agree the couple getting married have behaved badly not asking OP current DP - very rude.

I'd only advocate going if your DP was fully on board with that decision( - and really she a bloody nice person if she is ).

I'd probably also tell your brother that you find the invite very rude - but you are overlooking and you don't appropriate and you don't appreciate btb and your ex playing games if you did go by yourself.

I'd also suggest stop helping your brother with any thing like baby sitting and put some huge distance there and never again expect your DP to socialise or have much of anything to do with them.

However I'd be looking at fall out and trying to minimise that and not give any ammunition to the ex. The best way of doing that might be to stay away and avoid whole mess and do something very special and memorable with the children that weekend - I don't know would depend how upset the children would be at missing the wedding and wider families potential reactions or it might be better going and not providing any drama to show their games are having no effect.