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Original poster

My partner isn't invited to brothers wedding

225 replies

Andy1234567 · 30/01/2016 17:29

Hello, I separated from my ex-wife nearly 5 years ago. My new partner has lived with me for nearly 1 1/2 years. My brother gets married in May this year and I am his best man and best friend, my three children are bridesmaids and page boy.
My brother told me they weren't inviting my partner as my ex wife phoned his btb and said she couldn't go to the wedding if my partner was there. I'm told she cried and cried to her saying she wanted to see her children at the wedding but just couldn't.
Anyway, she regularly meets my partner as she comes unannounced to our house when I have my children over. She also spent two hours at a sporting event stood 20m away without issue.
My partner was devastated at being told she wasn't invited but insists I should go anyway to support my brother.
I feel I cannot attend, I want to support my partner, my future with her and will really struggle to be at the event knowing that I should be with her.

Prior to this my partner and I regularly met with my brother and his btb. We've babysat for them on several occasions and had meals with them.
I can't understand how they could come to this decision. We were very happy to go to wedding irrespective of who else was going. It's their day not ours.
He is my brother and I want to support him but my future doesn't lie in the past. My kids all love my partner and we have a fantastic relationship together.

OP posts:
Blu · 05/02/2016 19:50

Your brother is being really pathetic.
He and his DFiancee should be in charge of their guest list and not be allowing ex's to dictate who can and cannot be invited.
Your DBro should call your ex and say 'I am inviting my brother, I am inviting him to come with his partner, you are also invited, it is up to you whether you accept or decline the invitation - not up to you to dictate the terms of the invitation'.

And this is FIVE YEARS since your marriage ended?

Original poster
Andy1234567 · 05/02/2016 20:48

Dear all, it's been great to see all the support here. It's helped me a lot through this difficult time. I've still not heard anything so presume that may be it. My girlfriend has been fantastic throughout, I'm ashamed that my family have hurt her. It's very difficult living in the shadow of an ex, especially when she wont let go. It's not that she wants to get back together but can't stand to see me happy. There is nothing I can do about that. I'm not looking forward to telling the kids, they will be devastated, the girls keep asking girlfriend what dress she is wearing. May is a long while off yet...
Many thanks

OP posts:
UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 05/02/2016 20:54

I think you should propose to her Andy Grin

Oh, and then do a quickie wedding just before theirs - steal their thunder Wink

Not really, imaginary revenge is fun though

MissBattleaxe · 05/02/2016 21:41

It's going to look weird at the wedding when the ex wife is there instead of the groom's father or brother.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/02/2016 00:28

It's not that she wants to get back together but can't stand to see me happy.

And that's the crux of it. If it wasn't this, it'd be something else. And if you 'cave' (which you won't) she'll know that it works, at least with your DB and SiL. Unfortunately, your ex's 'blackmail' and manipulations are something that you're going to have to deal with for a long time. All you can do is be firm and true to yourself.

There is nothing I can do about that. I'm not looking forward to telling the kids, they will be devastated

Oh yes there is something you can do about it. You can be honest with your children. You can tell them the truth. "GF and I aren't coming to the wedding because your mummy wants to go and doesn't want us there". Bullshit to making up some pretty lie to protect her. Let her children know the truth.

notapizzaeater · 06/02/2016 00:56

Id be rightly devastated if they chose an -ex in law over family. She should have the decency to pull out.

Funinthesun15 · 06/02/2016 13:51

Oh yes there is something you can do about it. You can be honest with your children. You can tell them the truth. "GF and I aren't coming to the wedding because your mummy wants to go and doesn't want us there". Bullshit to making up some pretty lie to protect her. Let her children know the truth.

In this case I agree.

LeaLeander · 06/02/2016 14:55

Yes, make her own this.

StayWithMe · 06/02/2016 15:06

Correct me if I'm wrong OP, but, by any chance, is your brother the more dominant one in your relationship? Are you usually the one that goes along with his suggestions? The reason I ask is because he seems to have taken it for granted that you would do as your 'told' and that's why he was so shocked. I'm so glad you're standing by your partner. I know she told you to go, but I suspect she was wanting to do the right thing, while secretly very upset.

StayWithMe · 06/02/2016 15:07

Excuse my spelling mistakes. Blush

chantico · 06/02/2016 15:16

I wouldn't say "your mummy wants to go and doesn't want us there" because they do not need to know the detail of difficulty between the adults, what is their interests is to have a lovely day.

It would still be truthful to say 'I know you've been excited about it, but DP cannot go as she hasn't been invited. So I'm going to stay with her and we'll find something special to do together. We understand your mum has been invited, so she'll be there to look after you'.

Any follow up questions to be met with 'We don't know for sure why DP isn't invited. That was DBro and fiancee's decision. It's not one we would have made, but they must have had their reasons'

And urge you DDad to go. even though I'm sure it means a great deal to you that he's ready to stand with you.

DinosaursRoar · 06/02/2016 15:36

Agree with Chantico - it's also making somehting that's your db and SIL's decision and passing the blame onto your exW - she might well have said she doesn't want your current DP to go or she won't, the decision to uninvite your DP lies with your brother and SIL, not her. You shouldn't let them off the hook for their bad decision.

"DP hasn't been invited and so I'm going to spend the day with her." is a great explaination. The problem isn't your exW, it's your brother and SIL's reaction to her is the problem.

MissBattleaxe · 06/02/2016 15:49

I disagree Dinosaur- my understanding is that it's the ex wife who doesn't want the new partner there. The bride and groom are wrong to give in to her, but the cheeky cow shouldn't be even attempting to direct them.

My brother told me they weren't inviting my partner as my ex wife phoned his btb and said she couldn't go to the wedding if my partner was there. I'm told she cried and cried to her saying she wanted to see her children at the wedding but just couldn't.

MissBattleaxe · 06/02/2016 15:49

see ^^ ex wife manipulation.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 06/02/2016 15:53

I disagree as well Dinosaur the exW is to blame as well as DB and Sil, they're all equally culpable.

Although I agree the dc dont need to know that.

MissBattleaxe · 06/02/2016 15:58

I cannot imagine how the ex wife or the bride and groom actually think that what they're doing is OK. If my brother's ex wife tried to stop his new partner coming, I'd tell her to fuck off. I could never imagine listening to her and upsetting my brother. It's just madness and I don't know how they can possibly be satisfied with their decision.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/02/2016 17:22

So, Andy tells his DC that his DP isn't invited so he's staying home with her. The DC ask 'why was DP not invited?'. What is he supposed to say and why should he cover for his ex? Should he let his DC feel that their uncle or new aunt don't want here there? Or should they feel that the DP is 'keeping' their dad from attending? The ex has this pretty well stitched up, doesn't she? Unless Andy tells the truth (which many are advising against) then someone else will get the blame (Andy, his dp, the uncle, or the new aunt) and she, the ex, will get exactly what she wants AND will not get blamed for it. At the very least, with the truth, perhaps the children will ask their mother "Why don't you want 'DP' at the wedding?" and maybe she'll reconsider her decision.

There's nothing wrong with telling the truth as long as Andy doesn't say 'Your mum is a bitch and doesn't want us there' or such. He's simply saying that their mother wants to go, but doesn't want him there and he's agreed to that so she'll feel comfortable attending. Oversimplified and bollocks of course, but the 'truth'.

This is going to start a whole new chapter of 'I don't want DP there' from the ex when it comes to school plays, sports, graduations, etc. Better nip it in the bud right now.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/02/2016 17:24

doesn't want his DP there that should read.

lighteningirl · 06/02/2016 17:26

If it was two or three years into the new committed relationship I would be tempted to issue the same ultimatum I will only come if ex doesn't, but truthfully eighteen months is still relatively new. It really depends how you feel about the new relationship and for you and your new partner and your brother to be manipulated by your ex. Giving in gives her power standing up to her means you may miss your brother's wedding. If I had to go without my dp I think I would leave after the ceremony ask to be excluded from the wedding breakfast and leave a lovely best man speech to be read by your dm/df a very gracious nice speech.

Shutthatdoor · 06/02/2016 17:33

but truthfully eighteen months is still relatively new

RTFT They have been living together 18 months not together 18 months.

Bubblesinthesummer · 06/02/2016 17:35

lofhteningirl They have been living together 18m so together a lot longer

Hygge · 06/02/2016 17:42

lightening they have been living together for eighteen months, so their relationship isn't really all that new. They could well be two or three years into their relationship if they were together for a few months before moving in together (which they very likely were).

I married my DH seven months after meeting him, we're coming up on our fifteenth anniversary. We might not have been together long before we married, but we were very committed to our relationship very quickly.

The length of time the OP has been with his partner is not really relevant but we don't know how long he and his partner have been a couple. We do know they have been living together as a couple for a year and a half now though, and that sounds like a committed relationship to me.

I don't think issuing a counter-ultimatum is a good idea. What the OP has done seems the better option. He's supporting his partner without making a single demand, unlike his ex. He's leaving his brother and SIL-to-be with no reason to blame him for the situation. And he's letting his partner know he will support her if need be no matter what his ex or his family throw at them as a couple.

That can only be a good thing.

lighteningirl · 06/02/2016 17:54

Sorry my kindle skipped a whole page of threads so I did miss that it was a longer relationship and I meant no offense to quick moving relationships my dh moved in three weeks after we met now married ten years. Smile

AcrossthePond55 · 06/02/2016 17:57

I wouldn't care if she was an overnight pick up, it's not for the ex-wife to decide demand who comes to this wedding.

MissBattleaxe · 06/02/2016 19:01

The ex wife split from Andy five years ago, so why she has clout I'll never know. Andy's DP has been living with him for eighteen months so will know the children well and be part of their relationship with their Dad. The ex wife is being manipulative. It doesn't matter how "upset" she is, her ex BIL's wedding to someone who won't even be the ex wife's SIL, is none of her bloody business.

It also suggests that the ex may still have feelings for Andy, or is just shit stirring,

Either way, Andy's feelings should be given priority over hers.

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