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Original poster

My partner isn't invited to brothers wedding

225 replies

Andy1234567 · 30/01/2016 17:29

Hello, I separated from my ex-wife nearly 5 years ago. My new partner has lived with me for nearly 1 1/2 years. My brother gets married in May this year and I am his best man and best friend, my three children are bridesmaids and page boy.
My brother told me they weren't inviting my partner as my ex wife phoned his btb and said she couldn't go to the wedding if my partner was there. I'm told she cried and cried to her saying she wanted to see her children at the wedding but just couldn't.
Anyway, she regularly meets my partner as she comes unannounced to our house when I have my children over. She also spent two hours at a sporting event stood 20m away without issue.
My partner was devastated at being told she wasn't invited but insists I should go anyway to support my brother.
I feel I cannot attend, I want to support my partner, my future with her and will really struggle to be at the event knowing that I should be with her.

Prior to this my partner and I regularly met with my brother and his btb. We've babysat for them on several occasions and had meals with them.
I can't understand how they could come to this decision. We were very happy to go to wedding irrespective of who else was going. It's their day not ours.
He is my brother and I want to support him but my future doesn't lie in the past. My kids all love my partner and we have a fantastic relationship together.

OP posts:
hedgehogsdontbite · 30/01/2016 20:01

I don't see how the children can be taken out of the wedding if their mother mother is going.

Shutthatdoor · 30/01/2016 20:04

Why should she be 'ditched' just because you have a new partner

It isn't a 'new' partner -

we don't know why you separated; is your new partner the 'OW

What if the exW had an affair?

there are all sorts of issues here, why are you so keen to take your partner

They are a family and have been together for a number of years.

I can't understand why 'new partners' are so keen to get involved in these sorts of tricky family situations, she is quite right that you can attend on your own. If I was the 'new partner' I would stay away, retain my dignity, and let everyone else enjoy the occasion.

They aren't a new partner

The OP DP hasn't lost her dignity
Maybe exW should get some and stop blackmailing the family.

DinosaursRoar · 30/01/2016 20:06

Hedge - if it falls on the dad's weekend, he just doesn't take them and refuses to let the mother take them... Not sure I'd do it as it seems petty, but then also not sure it's healthy for the children to see their step-mother being treated as not a proper member of their dad's family, when she's been living with their dad for so long, it does rather send a mixed message.

If it falls on the mother's weekend, there's not all that much that can be done about it.

Redglitter · 30/01/2016 20:10

If they want to.invite her fair enough but Wtf are they letting her dictate who else gets invited. She should be told the OPS new partner is coming and it's up to her to decide whether or not to go. Downright bloody rude not to invite her.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 30/01/2016 20:11

Eighteen months isn't long and neither is she their step mother, she's their dads girlfriend.

The children will attend either way as their mother is going. Stopping them being involved is petty.

hedgehogsdontbite · 30/01/2016 20:13

But that would open up a whole other set of worms. Dad refuses to take them as it's his weekend. Mother stops kids going to dad's for the weekend so they can go to the wedding. Cue a big fallout over access where the biggest losers will be the kids. It's not right, but it is the reality.

Bubblesinthesummer · 30/01/2016 20:14

Eighteen months isn't long and neither is she their step mother, she's their dads girlfriend.

They have been living together 18 months not together 18 months.

The children will attend either way as their mother is going.

Not if it is OPs weekend.

Stopping them being involved is petty.

Maybe. You haven't mentioned exW childish attention seeking behaviour.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 30/01/2016 20:15

Please stop mentioning the children, they should be at their Uncle's wedding, no question. None of this is anything to do with them.

StrictlyMumDancing · 30/01/2016 20:16

A family member of mine tried to pull this crap with her ex at a friend's wedding. Ex was due to be best man, but she started trying to say he shouldn't be there. When they refused - him being best man and everything - it got downgraded to 'I couldn't possibly attend if his partner is there'. Ultimately she was told if seeing him was going to cause more upset than the happiness in sharing their wedding day they'd rather she didn't come along. Strangely she sucked it up.

This is what your DB and future SIL should be doing. But the dynamic has gone wrong somewhere.

If your DP is genuinely honestly happy for you to go then go, but definitely step out of best man role and leave early - but I'd also tell DB that, whilst you wont go looking for it, if anyone happens to asks where DP is or why you're no longer best man you will not lie to save face.

clam · 30/01/2016 20:32

I really don't think the brother should be forced to decide which woman should attend. He has done the right thing by inviting both.

But he hasn't invited both. The "new" partner has not been invited at all.

I'd be really concerned that your brother's fiancee has managed to set up a potentially earth-shattering family rift in the mistaken belief that "not wanting any ill-feeling" at her wedding trumps everyone else's sensibilities.

DinosaursRoar · 30/01/2016 20:44

Yep Clam - while she might not want 'any ill feeling' at ther wedding, she's going to have ill feeling every Christmas lunch (it'll be the new DP sat across the table, not the exW), every family function, it'll be the new DP there, weddings are one day, in-laws are there as along as you are married. If you intend "until death do you part", you are planning on these people being your family for the rest of your life.

Abody · 30/01/2016 20:44

It hugely depends on the background. How did your previous relationship end? Was your new dp the OW? Is you ex really close to your brother / btb? On the face of it yes your ex is out of order and being very manipulative but maybe there's an explanation. Even if there isn't though I would still go to your brother's wedding. He's your brother. And it would be crap for your kids if you weren't there too. Be the bigger person and do what your brother wants on his wedding day instead of letting your ex make it all about her drama (doesn't mean you have to be happy about it).

I do agree with ragwort too tbh - new partners (a year and a half really isn't that long) don't automatically replace old ones in terms of their relationship to your family.

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 30/01/2016 20:48

I do agree with ragwort too tbh - new partners (a year and a half really isn't that long)

For the umpteenth time as pp have also pointed out, they have lived together for 18 months not been together!

Nottodaythankyouorever · 30/01/2016 20:49

Be the bigger person and do what your brother wants on his wedding day instead of letting your ex make it all about her

It is already about her. The DP hasn't been invited because exW is throwing a toddler tantrum.

Shutthatdoor · 30/01/2016 20:51

she comes unannounced to our house when I have my children over.

You need to tell her that is not acceptable.

She really is quite manipulative isn't she Shock

clam · 30/01/2016 20:54

"she's going to have ill feeling every Christmas lunch (it'll be the new DP sat across the table, not the exW), every family function"

Although actually, even if the bride changes her mind and accedes the OP's request, won't the OP and his partner always remember how she really feels about it.

I foresee trouble ahead on this one - not just re: the wedding. My db and his wife have just clocked up 30 years. It's been a long old haul for the family! I sympathise.

Abody · 30/01/2016 21:05

I agree she seems to be having a toddler tantrum and making it all about her which is obviously shit. But maybe the OP could rise above it rather than making it worse and even harder for his brother and dp who shouldn't have to be worrying about everyone else's dramas on their wedding day. A similar thing happened at my wedding and I really regretted asking the new dp not to come but I'm so glad he took it as well as he did and got on with it. It made the person having a tantrum look bad and they felt crap about it afterwards but it could've been so much worse if there had been "if my dp can't come I'm not coming" to deal with on top of it. Family breakups are hard and complicated, we don't know the full story.
And yeah they've only been living together 18 months, that's all we know at this point. How long have you been together OP? (Please don't say 6 years!)

TheTigerIsOut · 30/01/2016 21:13

Ok, the status of the exwife needs to be respected, because she is the mother of the nieces/nephews.

The status of the current partner needs to be respected because she is the woman this man loves.

If he has decided to make her his family by moving in together, whetger they have been together for 18 months ir 18 days, it doesn't matter. It would be unreasonanle to assume she needs to spend a minimum X number of years before she us seen as the "rightful" partner.

I think the OP needs to sit with his brother and explain that he cannot exclude his partner, and also to say that he shouldn't feel pressured to take sides. And also to leave clear that the ex wife, is a past relationship that shouldn't be allowed to mess their family in such way.

She has been invited, her choice to decline.

AyeAmarok · 30/01/2016 21:15

I think that your ex is being unfair by staying in contact with your family solely to cause problems within your family.

Fine for her to remain on good terms with them all, fine to remain friendly and close, fine to be invited to the wedding. Not fair to enforce conditions on her attending to to exclusion of your partner. That's just malicious.

Duck90 · 30/01/2016 21:31

Is your ex allowed to take a plus one?

Original poster
Andy1234567 · 30/01/2016 22:10

Thanks to everyone for continued support and advice. My partner did not know me when I separated from ex.
I don't know if ex is allowed a +1.
The children will go irrespective as they are really looking forward to it. They expect my partner to be there, the girls have even been choosing her hairstyle for the day from the Internet and practicing it.
It's a really difficult situation so it's comforting to get so many views on the matter. Again, many thanks.

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 30/01/2016 22:40

well if your DP wasn't the OW, then there really is no reason for people in your family to be treating her so badly. She's their SIL, if they like it or not, and favouring an exSIL will not make long term family relationships any better.

Talk to your brother about it, while understand you not wanting to go at all, perhaps step down from best man duties and just go as a guest for the ceremony then leave.

clam · 31/01/2016 00:10

I think the bride is bang out of line to put these conditions on the wedding that affect her fiance's blood family so badly.

"his brother and dp ... shouldn't have to be worrying about everyone else's dramas on their wedding day." There was no drama, until the bride went along with the ex-wife's diva demands. The Op and his partner and the ex have been on reasonable terms (even if some of us on here think it a bit weird that the ex turns up unannounced at his house). There should have been no issue, and it's not the OP or his partner's fault that one seems to have arisen.

I feel very sorry for the "new" partner.

clam · 31/01/2016 00:12

Out of interest, how long has your brother been with his fiancee? Do they pre-date your divorce?

Runwayqueen · 01/02/2016 15:20

I hope it went well with with your db today

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