What do I fill the hours and days for the rest of my life?

[Weallwantalltheimpossiblethings]

I'm 48, on ALL the HRT, high ferritin (over 100).

Very down in the dumps. Almost empty nester. Bored out of my brain. Term time office job. No spare cash. Live rurally.

I don't know what I'm going to fill the hours with for the remaining 30yrs of my life.

I don't want to volunteer. I don't go to church and have no interest in doing so after a catholic upbringing. I can't contemplate changing job as I am always knackered and the idea of having to adapt to something new makes me feel incredibly worried and knackered in advance. Also I feel I'm getting too old for that. My memory is abysmal. HRT made no difference to remembering things.

I spent much of the school summer holidays lying on the bed avoiding the heat and staring at the ceiling or having naps.

House is on the market so zero point in gardening etc. I do all the bare minimum maintenance.

I've got no get up and go. At all. I exercise which I love and eat loads of fibre, but I find eating protein exhausting. I don't like exercise classes (hate exercising with other people) so workout at home.

I am the cook so always need to be at home in the early evenings and at weekend dinner times.

If you became an empty nester what did you do? Where do I even start? How do I pull myself out of such a dip?

When you say you don't want to volunteer, are there are charities or campaigns you feel passionately about?

I think you should consider finding a coach, (some are qualified psychologists) to work on how you feel, to recognise negative emotions, to explore who you are now your kids have left home, to make small changes even though there are scary.

There are many coaches who will 'hand hold' while you find your way through this and many work with women reaching midlife who need a reset.

3 years later are you still on it or at what point were you able to give it up? Thanks

Do you have spare money?. Could you pay a personal trainer who would know how to get around your injury. You could meet them for workouts.

It does sound like you are depressed Op please speak to your Gp.
In terms of jobs is anything at local council that might suit. There’s lots of older ladies and I find it a supportive environment.
I know you said no volunteering but I love my girlguiding. If you miss being at home with small children it’s a great way to still enjoy crafts and trips. It’s also a social life with other leaders.

You sound depressed. Have you spoken to GP? You are 48 but talking as though you’re 78.

I am a retired OT.

I’m at a similar life crossroads OP. But older. I had my DCs at 41 & 42. They’re 18 & 16 now. I’m lucky that I live near the ocean so I joined a sea swimming group last May. It’s been pretty life changing. It’s energised me and provided so much clarity. The Atlantic is very life affirming and every day is different. I took swimming lessons because although I can swim, I really wasn’t enjoying it very much and didn’t feel very confident. I joined an online meditation group - we meet every night at 9pm and meditate for half an hour. We met up for the first time for a weekend six weeks ago. I’m part of a ‘collage collective’, we meet once a month to cut and paste together. I’ve just finished four weeks of acrylic painting lessons - now it’s about practice. I attend kundalini yoga class once a week. I’ve just signed in for a Mumsnet couch to 5K challenge. I’m part of a writing group - we meet bi weekly. And for me, the most exciting part - I’ve begun the process of buying myself a mini caravan (Eriba). I had one before but wasn’t prepared and hadn’t done the requisite research 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’ve bought a car with a decent size engine. It’s having a tow bar fitted before Christmas. I’m arranging to have an outdoor socket fitted to enable a dehumidifier. And when it’s all in place I’ll look for my snail shell and plan some adventures with my own bed to sleep in. I attend quarterly Sound baths … and I read 😂. I go to the cinema and the theatre with friends. Sometimes I feel as if I have too much self care going on but one thing definitely leads to another…and it’s good for the body and mind. I’d suggest small steps …

Get a horse.

OP, your post reminded me of something I did about 10 years ago when I was your age and just starting perimenopause (without realising it) when I got hit by an incredible lethargy and lack of enthusiasm for anything. I set myself a project to do one new thing a day for a year. Could be tiny, could be massive. Try a new drink, a new cafe, a different walk, listen to music I'd never normally choose, say yes to things I'd usually say no to. It was an incredible year and the change from the start of the year to the end was miraculous.

I really need to do it again. But even now, when I am stuck in a rut, I do still make myself do new things as often as I remember, listen to new music, visit exhibitions of artists I've never heard of etc.

FWIW, I made a big bucket list that year and have crossed off many things from it since, but in the end, it is the quality of ordinary, everyday life that makes the biggest difference, not the one-off adventures. That's what I want to focus on next. Making everyday life more fulfilling and purposeful.

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been discussed. You mentioned church (no, I wouldn't go either) which made me wonder if it's a spiritual thing missing in your life? I don't mean religion, particularly. For some people spirituality can be found in the outdoors, watching wildlife, walking, being on top of a hill (not a bad viewpoint if you need a wee either as you can see if someone's coming). I find a lot of spirituality in my household stuff, believe it or not.

I do think for most women we're so busy with the daily stuff we rather neglect ourselves; nourishment isn't all about what we eat, it's about how we feed the mind and soul.

What a gorgeous post. Is it possible to have too much self-care going on? After decades of caring for others. You sound like an example to your teenagers. My parents were vibrant and it mattered to me that when DC left home, I appeared to be living a very vivid life, even if I was struggling hugely with empty next syndrome.

Do you think it's worth challenging some of your long-held attitudes in life, since they aren't helping you much right now. Why not join a craft group or art group to find out what the purpose is, even if you are never going to sell. One of the happiest weeks of my life was spent making a chair. I still have the chair and am so proud of having made it. I always thought I had no interest in any kind of craft until I tried woodwork.

This is so true. You don't have to be soulmates with everyone there, you're just coming together around a shared interest once or twice a week and giving each other a bit of support. It's normal, healthy human interaction. The fact that you're writing it off as false makes me think you're on the defensive - are you worried you wouldn't fit in or be accepted, so you're shutting it down before it can ever get to that stage?

I mentioned before that I'm in a running club. Some people are really excellent runners, some are really not, some are in their 20s, some are in their 70s. We're all at different stages and levels of ability but for a couple of hours a week we're a team. The vast majority of them I'll never ever see in between but that doesn't mean it's not good company.

Start by liberating yourself from the burden of cooking every night. That is not solely your job.

right now go download Duolingo. You can just use the free version. Pick a language and start playing. They also just added a math track. Do that one as well. Develop a routine of playing some mental stimulation games like this every day.

Then you need some hobbies. I don’t really understand not having a backlog of things you want to do. My hobby list could last me several lifetimes. There are so many options and many of them are inexpensive. If you are a person who wants to do them with people, look for what your community offers. You may be surprised what is on offer for free with very little ongoing expense for travel, materials, or buying a soft drink at the hosting pub on its slowest afternoon when they are happy for the groups regular business.

Yes, I've been wondering about that. My job has been changed twice in the last few years and I really just can't be doing with it, but I do wonder that if I myself found a job I wanted to do and that was a bit more interesting, would I actually be able to cope with the stress of changing?

One lesson I have learned along the way is to ditch the rigid thinking.
I was brought up post war when my every breath was controlled, also I think I may have some autistic traits.
Like the dinosaurs we will die out if we don't keep an open mind.

Were is husband / partner?

OP, a quick Google has informed me that 1 in 3 people in the UK craft, approx 14.8 million people. They are not all doing that so they can sell stuff?!
Crafting / making something by hand has been proven to reduce your cortisol in as little as 45 minutes. The repetition of something like knitting for example is very mindful & crafting for mental health benefits has been all the rage for at least the last decade. Even mental health charities like Mind recommend it to combat depression. There are literally hundreds of ways you can be creative, you don’t have to knit or sew or paint. Add in the social aspect (if you want to) as there are so many courses, workshops, classes, groups you can join to either learn or just enjoy creating alongside others. I have met some wonderful people doing workshops or courses.

I literally said to my husband the other day that I just cannot comprehend people who have no hobbies or interests. Sure I understand that people may be busy caring for others & not have the time to partake in hobbies, but to just have absolutely nothing that you’re interested in? At all?

You are only 48 (4 years older than me) you have YEARS ahead of you to explore the world, or even just your tiny corner of it. There are so many opportunities and amazing things out there for you to have a go at… just give it a go. If you try something and hate it, so what !? Just don’t do it again and try something else!
If you don’t feel confident enough to join a class or a group there are thousands of online tutorials or videos you can watch to teach you the basics of something. It’s a completely zero risk way to try something new. No one even has to know you’ve tried it so if it’s a disaster (it won’t be) know one will ever know !?

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone as they say. Go grab it with both hands.

Ageist

I think it is sad that you think there is no point in craft work or painting unless you are making it into a job because there is a wealth of happiness in creating something and you can join clubs, societies and associations, which often have exhibitions where (if you wish) you can sell stuff and you meet people who share an interest as well, and make friends. You are depressed and the life you lead with nothing but walks, a lonely exercise regime and cooking and cleaning would make anyone depressed tbh. You need to do something different, whether a new job or a hobby, which can include volunteering (you don't have to work in a charity shop, you can be a country house guide, volunteer in a local exhibition or local landmark). And there is no shame in taking anti-depressants because depression is a chemical thing as well as emotional, and alleviating the chemical symptoms can help to make it possible to rework the emotions. You are full of negative emotions. You don't want to do anything. You need help, and the first stop is your GP. (And gardening is a great anti-depressant, too.)

Well, yes. I've met lively 78 year olds. OP is depressed and determined not to like anything or do anything, which is a sign of deep depression.

I guessed you might be.

Your first comment to me was rude "do you even know what OT is"?

Maybe I also did 35 years as a senior OT / manager and lecturer 😉.

As my DS closed the door and headed off into the world, the Amazon delivery man was arriving with my sewing machine.

I always wanted a sewing hobby - accessories rather the clothes but I had to wait until we had a spare room available for me to have a craft room.

Are there any hobbies you've been interested in but never had the time? Mine are currently sewing, reading, knitting, crochet, cross-stitch and yarn dyeing. Hoping to add embroidery to the list next year. Like you, I'm currently selling so on a total spending ban until my new house is all done and dusted(when I have one!).

You don't have spare money and you are bored with having too much spare time at weekends and the summer. I would definitely say change your job in this case - working in a new job, potentially ft, would be much more stimulating and improve your finances.

I honestly think this is one of the best posts on this thread. I think the exceptionally hot summer drained a lot of people. Don’t be too hard on yourself @Weallwantalltheimpossiblethings I understand you are down in the dumps. We all get that feeling of ‘is this it’ at times. For a lot of people life is just as @TISSHA outlines.
On the plus side you go out in the fresh air. You walk your dogs and cook for the family. You also work and enjoy reading.
I think things will improve when your house sells OP. There will invariably be things that need doing in the new house and garden. This happened to me when I downsized and had to take on a renovation. It’s just about finished and I am currently easing back into my fairly slothful existence 😂. All best wishes to you!