What do I fill the hours and days for the rest of my life?

[Weallwantalltheimpossiblethings]

I'm 48, on ALL the HRT, high ferritin (over 100).

Very down in the dumps. Almost empty nester. Bored out of my brain. Term time office job. No spare cash. Live rurally.

I don't know what I'm going to fill the hours with for the remaining 30yrs of my life.

I don't want to volunteer. I don't go to church and have no interest in doing so after a catholic upbringing. I can't contemplate changing job as I am always knackered and the idea of having to adapt to something new makes me feel incredibly worried and knackered in advance. Also I feel I'm getting too old for that. My memory is abysmal. HRT made no difference to remembering things.

I spent much of the school summer holidays lying on the bed avoiding the heat and staring at the ceiling or having naps.

House is on the market so zero point in gardening etc. I do all the bare minimum maintenance.

I've got no get up and go. At all. I exercise which I love and eat loads of fibre, but I find eating protein exhausting. I don't like exercise classes (hate exercising with other people) so workout at home.

I am the cook so always need to be at home in the early evenings and at weekend dinner times.

If you became an empty nester what did you do? Where do I even start? How do I pull myself out of such a dip?

On this, I think the point is to enjoy the process?

I'm never going to become and artist or sell anything I do. But I find it absorbing and the sensation of time just totally disappearing and being completely immersed in what you're doing is quite joyous.

I have two different sorts of art/craft hobbies:

1. Low key. I make origami Christmas decorations, or little decorations out of embroidered felt. I think people who like crochet and knitting probably generally have this in the same category. It doesn't need 100% concentration and can be done while watching TV or chatting with other people.

1. Deep. So stuff like sewing an entire dress, or painting (almost anything TBF). This is the sort of thing where you basically just vanish and the only thing you're thinking about is what you're doing.

It took a lot of mental reconfiguration to try not to mind what the output is of painting. But it's about the process, not the outcome.

When I think about what you're writing, a lot of it here is very outcome oriented. There's no point doing anything to the garden because eventually the housing market might perk up and you might move.

Obviously the dog is a bigger tie but you could, if you really wanted to, re-home the chickens. Or join a house sitting website and get someone in to house sit while you went in holiday if you wanted to travel more, and take the dog with you? And maybe if that means changing jobs so you earn more, that is an option worth considering.

If your passion is reading, maybe it's time to commit to the Russian novels or some other intellectual challenge.

I think if you genuinely feel like you do nothing other than work, cook and clean and you can't think what you'd do differently even if you won the lottery, you probably have to conclude your brain isn't playing fair with you and you need to wrangle it into letting you make some good choices.

Are you getting outside in the fresh air and daylight every morning if you're feeling exhausted? Presumably yes, if you've got dogs? I think that would be a good first step if not, or at lunchtime if you have to walk the dogs while it's still dark.

You’ve never had ANY interests?

You say you had a career beforehand... I can totally get that there was a time and a place where your preference was to prioritise family, but I bet if you were to go back in some capacity now you might appreciate it more/differently ... Especially for a bit more financial wriggle room. There is a whole job board on here for returners. Or just Google + job sites, or maybe speculative application to old work place or somewhere you would actively be interested in? Quite often roles are hybrid remote (depends on your area of work). Returners are definitely employed. And good firms ask and accommodate any disabilities (honestly, they love to hear about any disability they can accommodate as it improves their stats. It remains private, but OH discusses with you how best to accommodate (I'm thinking prolapse issues - I get how hard that must be). You dont even have to commit to a job forever the way it felt before children, with no end in sight - knowing you have x years before retirement can be quite liberating and motivating. If nothing is sparking joy atm, maybe a change of work is a reason to get up and give structure to each day/week. A change is as good as a rest, so they say.

You are still young, you still have a good few years before retirement, unless you want to retire early.

Having said that - I very much identify with your post, so am definitely not immune, nor have all the answers.

All very best whatever you decide.

Did you ask GP what their suggestion was to change the situation?

Sometimes you have take medication for a while to be able to deal with issues and change the situation.

Have you read it all? OP has given many insightful updates of things she does like, why she has stopped doing them etc

I would just let this be a fallow period - housr is on the market so soon enough you will need to pack (maybe start?). No harm in having a year where no "progress" is made. It sounds like a rest is possibly what is needed. I also would recommend trying vit D3 as it can lift mood.

If you feel you have to, do something focus on the move. Declutter and pack.

Always being the cool ties you to the house unfortunately.

You’ll probably feel a lot better when you move somewhere less rural. I love the countryside and seek solace in walking but I feel energised being in a city around people even if I’m not doing anything specific. The lights, noises, diversity - it all fascinates me. I often pop into London and wander round, sit on a bench and people watch, get talking to interesting people that I’ll never see again.