What do I fill the hours and days for the rest of my life?

[Weallwantalltheimpossiblethings]

I'm 48, on ALL the HRT, high ferritin (over 100).

Very down in the dumps. Almost empty nester. Bored out of my brain. Term time office job. No spare cash. Live rurally.

I don't know what I'm going to fill the hours with for the remaining 30yrs of my life.

I don't want to volunteer. I don't go to church and have no interest in doing so after a catholic upbringing. I can't contemplate changing job as I am always knackered and the idea of having to adapt to something new makes me feel incredibly worried and knackered in advance. Also I feel I'm getting too old for that. My memory is abysmal. HRT made no difference to remembering things.

I spent much of the school summer holidays lying on the bed avoiding the heat and staring at the ceiling or having naps.

House is on the market so zero point in gardening etc. I do all the bare minimum maintenance.

I've got no get up and go. At all. I exercise which I love and eat loads of fibre, but I find eating protein exhausting. I don't like exercise classes (hate exercising with other people) so workout at home.

I am the cook so always need to be at home in the early evenings and at weekend dinner times.

If you became an empty nester what did you do? Where do I even start? How do I pull myself out of such a dip?

Oh well said @LancashireButterPie - as a non retired OT I knew exactly what you were saying in your first post and agreed wholeheartedly with you!

OP - I am not in a dissimilar situation to you. My life is quite small and I stay within my comfort zone after a very difficult and stressful few years as it feels safer! I am aware of the irony of my job and lack of occupation!

I say to myself ‘time to do something for me’ and then the anxiety of looking puts me off! I’m thinking maybe knitting though as a first step - some cheap kit and a few YouTube tutorials to get me started!

So no huge suggestions - but solidarity!

I play netball, football and tennis. I am equally rubbish at all of them but love it!

This sounds really tough, OP - I suspect it's not unusual for women of this age to feel like they have no sense of who they are and what to do with their lives.

I'm a year older than you and although I'm an introvert, life without hobbies and good friends would be incredibly difficult for me and I suspect I'd feel pretty down and listless. Which then would make changing the situation feel like climbing a mountain.

I think if you want things to change, you're going to have to consider giving yourself a bit of a push to overcome some of the things that feel like insurmountable barriers. I know you're not a big fan of finding friends through groups, but how else can you find them? If you try a group for a little bit and don't gel with anyone, that's OK - what have you lost? Another group might have your new best mate in it.

A few small changes at first would be much more realistic than trying to turn everything around at once - could you tell yourself that the only person who can change things is you, and commit to doing just one thing once as a start? And def try to build on what you do like, like walking.

I hear you about the prolapse issue - I'm waiting for bladder and bowel prolapse surgery but the heavy duty TENA lady are amazing. I do a kind of martial arts with a group that's mostly twenty years younger than me and they have no idea I spend the whole thing constantly pissing myself. I change my pad halfway through if necessary, but mostly a single pad will take two hours' worth of pee. This makes me sound super sporty but I'm not - I have chronic back and health issues and have had to fight to get here. I wouldn't have thought this was possible ten years ago. It may not be possible to overcome your own health issues, of course - it would be deeply offensive of me to suggest everyone can do the same as me - but sometimes we can slowly achieve a bit more than we think.

Good luck, OP. You've obviously been a brilliant and devoted Mum and now it's your time to rediscover how amazing a person you are in your own right.

You’re 48 and you’ve given up. You need a new job for a start. Use it or loose it. I’ve just taken a secondment which is a bigger role I could have had your attitude but I have yet to reach my career goal and don’t see why I shouldn’t at this age. There must be things that you desperately wanted to do when the children were young.

I was just thinking that this is the sort of question where the answer is horses

Especially if you're already rural!

How big is the garden? 😜

I still take it. It keeps me calm. I have had no menopause symptoms whatsoever and am through the other side of menopause now.

Absolutely agree with this...

I've just moved to all year round shift work after 17 years of term time only, the last ten full time and the last three in a really intense support role.

It's only been 5 weeks but my work life balance has improved immeasurably - I've done more in the last month than I'd usually manage in a term and the flexibility is amazing!

How rural are you op? Would you be up for travelling a bit? I think it would be difficult to find one thing to do now which woukd sustain you for a while - it puts pressure on you to find something to do and takes the fun out of it.

May I suggest you write a list of things in your area and a bit beyond e.g. art galleries, pottery classes, wild swimming, gigs, climbing walls, and try something new perhaps once a week or month.

Over time it may help with identifying what you might want to do more of, and in the meantime it gives you the excitement/novelty of trying something new or revisiting a place.

I’ve only read OP‘s replies, not the whole thread so I’m sure I’m repeating a lot of stuff – but why have you got no interest in volunteering? Believe me, if you attach yourself to a cause, let’s say going out on a weekly litter pick, you will meet other people, find purpose and feel you're contributing. I have a really busy job and a lot of friends and none of the issues you you describe but the most satisfaction I’ve got was through joining a campaign regarding a local issue. You sound as if you’re saying no to everything at the moment and clubs aren’t for you, etc, but if you force yourself to do something like this just once a week for an hour, it can make a huge difference psychologically.

This was me at 40. No amount of suggested activities would have made any difference. I was apathetic and tired with no ambition. I saw 3 doctors and spoke to two different counsellors before I admitted I couldn’t sort it out myself. I ended up on antidepressants which made a huge difference to my drive, and was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder, now medicated. I feel much more able to take on the world. Please seek medical help.

I think this is terrible advice. Having a mental issue is no different from having an obvious physical disease. My experience from myself and what I've heard from friends is that most doctors relate positively towards such issues. Sometimes your brain levels just get too low and need a kick to restart. OP is very fixed in her views and excuses for not doing anything. Apathetic is the word that springs to mind . As with any issue eg alcoholism you have to WANT to get better and it doesn't seem like OP wants to.

am the cook so always need to be at home in the early evenings and at weekend dinner times.

can they not heat prepped food up in the microwave?

You say you're on all the HRT - does that include testosterone? I've done a quick search on this thread and can't see it mentioned, but I had a menopause appt with a consultant last week and she told me that while testosterone is only prescribed on the NHS for libido, there is tons of anecdotal evidence that it's good for both brain fog and motivation.

Obviously, there's no money in researching that, so the only peer-reviewed research is on libido, but she has suggested that I get started (at 46) on oestregen and progesterone and once those are bedded in and stable, add testosterone for exactly the reasons you describe. You could tell the GP it's all about your libido even if you couldn't care less...

I’d love to do this!

I hope this thread is a bit of an eye opener for you. I think we can get lost in the run of the mill day to day stuff (i.e. being home early to cook dinner every night!) but there is so much more out there. I think it can be sad we put ourselves in this box and don't meet our full potential, and there's so much to see and do. I'm in the middle of raising young children but I'm already looking forward to getting a bit of me time back, whether that is travelling, taking a course I've been interested in, or trying a new hobby. Time is valuable and you have loads of it now to do as you please 😊

I'm asking myself this.

I am seeking a mental health appointment because I can't get out of this rut.
Time for some kind of medication.
Feeling restless. Dreading getting older. There's not much to look forward to.
I love my dc but I'm bored with life and trying to fill it with meaningful things.
I'm gradually trying new things though very little feels meaningful.
There's no proper sense of community anymore. Most people are flaky and nearly everything has a price tag attached to it. No extended family.
I have a small group of friends. Arranging coffee chats to get out of the house, it doesn't feel enough for me.
Couldn't sustain gym or swim.
Early 50's and feeling not much to look forward to.
Probably a dog would be good company
Nothing to add. Sorry.

I’m not sure you’re well suited to living rurally. When your house sells, and I hope it will for you soon, try and find a more stimulating town or city to live in
I grew up in the countryside and would never go back to really rural living. I love walking and I did loads of horse riding as a child - but as a teenager, it was torture. NOTHING to do and all my friends lived in other villages. Very isolating

I felt like you 5/6 years ago. I had been a SAHM and was
5O. My teenagers were no longer needing me quite as much ( DD did still need me as she has a chronic health issue but I still had quite a bit of free time but not enough to commit to a job)

I did the usual stuff like take up
running , doing a photography course and learning cake decorating but was still feeling unfulfilled and was getting a bit low.

I did decide to volunteer for the local council - only two days a month helping out at an event. Through that I got interested in council matters, especially those that affected the event I volunteered for so started attending council meetings. When a vacancy came up I decided to stand for election as an independent and won the seat. That keeps me quite busy now and I've made friends with fellow councillors from all different political parties ( except reform - I am polite and respectful but could not be friends with them I'm afraid )

I also joined the WI and am now vice president. I am one of the younger ones at 56 but I know some WIs have a younger membership. There is always something going on somewhere ( coffee mornings, lunches, supper clubs , book clubs etc)

I sometimes I think I have taken on too much now and really enjoy the odd day when I have nothing in my diary and can stay home and catch up on a bit of housework and Netflix.

Good luck OP, it's tough

Who says it is not a good look to frequently need a wild wee?

I walk/hike loads all over the UK and I am that person that bops behind a tree every 30 minutes.
If I'm walking with friends we just laugh and say here she goes again and I'm so quick they've barely blinked before I'm back with them.

If I'm walking with a group I just say I'm having a wild wee and no one cares.
In more organised groups they have back stops so you just let them know and they wait for you.

I really think you should get out there and walk if you can, just don't worry about needing to wild wee.

I’m a similar age. I’m fairly busy outside work.

i go to the gym a few times a week
cycle with a cycling club
have taken up painting
have a dog and go to dog agility classes
dog walking takes a lot of time
i enjoy Reading
meet friends for lunch most weekends

How do you know you’re never going to sell your art if you don’t try? Okay - you might not but then again - you might find you’re brilliant at it.

I’ve got a niche hobby that brings me in a tidy sum each month on Etsy - all for doing something that I love. Okay - it’s taken me 15 years to become very very skilled at it and able to produce quality pieces that people will pay quite a lot of money for but I’ve truly loved the time I’ve spent getting thus good at it. I’m retiring in a few years and I plan to expand on it and bloody hell I’m looking forward to it.

You really have no idea what you’ll be good at unless you try.

@aroundthecorner46

You are me, you nailed it with this post.

I don’t believe it is depression. It feels like something else.

There's no proper sense of community anymore. Most people are flaky and nearly everything has a price tag attached to it. No extended family

There is no sense of community where I live. It's laughable, the street WhatsApp, people moving out and others wishing them well. They have never even exchanged a friendly wave.

Everything is about money.

Just to say, I am reading all of these and I will come back on later today and try to reply to as many people as possible. x