What do I fill the hours and days for the rest of my life?

[Weallwantalltheimpossiblethings]

I'm 48, on ALL the HRT, high ferritin (over 100).

Very down in the dumps. Almost empty nester. Bored out of my brain. Term time office job. No spare cash. Live rurally.

I don't know what I'm going to fill the hours with for the remaining 30yrs of my life.

I don't want to volunteer. I don't go to church and have no interest in doing so after a catholic upbringing. I can't contemplate changing job as I am always knackered and the idea of having to adapt to something new makes me feel incredibly worried and knackered in advance. Also I feel I'm getting too old for that. My memory is abysmal. HRT made no difference to remembering things.

I spent much of the school summer holidays lying on the bed avoiding the heat and staring at the ceiling or having naps.

House is on the market so zero point in gardening etc. I do all the bare minimum maintenance.

I've got no get up and go. At all. I exercise which I love and eat loads of fibre, but I find eating protein exhausting. I don't like exercise classes (hate exercising with other people) so workout at home.

I am the cook so always need to be at home in the early evenings and at weekend dinner times.

If you became an empty nester what did you do? Where do I even start? How do I pull myself out of such a dip?

Where are you moving to - will it still be rural?

Im nearing this stage...my plan is loads of holidays in the sun!

F

What did you enjoy as a child?
Could you go back to doing that in some form or another?
I build Lego which I have loved since I was 6 years old.

Well for one, don’t always cook - very simple.
Id reconsider changing jobs, you could always look for a remote job to help with tiredness. But a new challenge may help with motivation.

Are you moving somewhere less rural? That will help

Could you imagine leading an exercise class yourself, or maybe becoming a personal trainer?

You need to go out and do more interesting things and mix it up.
You definitely don't need to be in every evening to cook. If, for some unknown reason, your older children can't cook, you need to get them to learn. If you have a partner, they can also do it at least once a week. If whatever reason neither of those are possible, you can batch cook and they can heat stuff up.

Where are you moving to? Is it less rural? Is there any point in being in the countryside. I d make the most of it and enjoy it? Would a city be more interesting? I think I would be very bored in your situation. I am a few years older than you and currently have three different part time jobs to stop myself getting bored. I play sport weekly in a team and go to the gym, go to the theatre, go dancing at festivals and gigs, go to the cinema, fo on long walks, take a yoga class and do life drawing. I do some gardening and DIY. I volunteer for a local charity. I meet up with friends for some of the above and made friends at most of them. My kids are late teens/early 20s and they all can cook. Some better than others. But they are meant to cook once a week each (usually get 2 out 3 a week!)
You sound bored and mildly depressed. You need some excitement in your life. My 84 year mum sounds like she has more variation in her week than you do. I think if you live a very small life, it becomes very dull quickly. I was like that when I first moved the city.I'm in now. I didn't know anybody and it was tough but i kept trying different and new things, until I found the things that I liked.

Moving to a town or city is your best bet. Much more going on.

Are you looking for more company / friends? Or actual ways to fill your days?

Do you have a partner?

Could you speak to your gp about depression?

I’m a similar age to you, one child grown and flown the other getting there. Also work in a school so long holidays.

But I feel totally different. Life is exciting. I get to do what I want to do. I’ve changed things around a bit at work so loving my job again, able to put more hours in doing the things I want. Doing more of my hobbies during the holidays (sewing and sailing) and planning and thinking about them. Not having to be taxi and cook is liberating.

Also Google the age happiness curve. You are pretty much at the bottom of the U at the moment. It will get better and in general people feel happier as they get past this low slump.

There's a heck of a lot of places to live in between rural countryside and a city. It isn't either/or, not by a long chalk.

Don't know where we are going. House been on the market for ages, there's no movement at the moment at our price point. So I'm not even looking at location until someone shows some interest in our house.

It will be someone less rural though so that DC can be independent.

@Needmorelego ive never had any interests at all. Reading, that's about it. I've never been good at anything or had any hobbies or skills.

I worked in the city pre DC from a graduate job, I couldn't go back to that I've been out of it so long. Then I gave up work - which I have zero regrets about.

Went back when DC were middle primary age. But to a job that worked around them.

@Justaquestionplease if we had the money, no dogs or chickens and no dependent 16yr old, that would be ideal!

You have all the hallmarks of depression. I would really recommend trying antidepressants. They can make such a difference.

Well start researching where to move to, visit different areas etc. Maybe start doing some
gardening rather than the bare basics so that someone might actually want to buy your house.

Are you a single parent? You can still do stuff with your 16 year old, they clearly need to learn to cook so maybe get them to cook tea once a week and have a theme night for it, like Mexican etc

@TallSturdyGirls yes, my life is incredibly small indeed.

I don't really have anyone I could call for a coffee. There were lots of mum friends when DC at primary, but no one that I'd have a glass of wine with.

Yes my parents in 70s and 80s do way more than me!

I am the cook so always need to be at home in the early evenings and at weekend dinner times.

Of course you don’t! Don’t be ridiculous. You’ve just given up and pigeonholed yourself.

You could take up sailing and train for a round the world race.

You could do a new degree in a field that always interested you.

You could move to Italy and start farming olives.

Become the world expert in model railways.

Train as a hostage negotiator.

Become a specialist in rare daisies.

Dont throw away what could be another 40 years of unique you-ness just because you think someone might want you to cook dinner!

Would you find it rewarding to be a puppy walker/socialiser for Dogs for Good - they live with you for x months and you expose them to different environments. Not sure if you ca with your own dog tbh.

Release your job for someone who needs that flexibility.
The more you do the more energy you will have

Yes have a DH he has a busy job so often very tired at the weekend.

@ToKittyornottoKitty i mean it looks presentable enough and I prune and mow etc! But I see your point. I did plant a load of bulbs last autumn so at least if anyone viewed in the spring it would look nice. Perhaps I'll do some more.

I find this incredibly sad. How have you got to your 40s and not have any hobbies? I get it’s difficult when you have young kids but you say you are nearly an empty nester so obviously your kids are older. I’m recently retired and OMG I have finally got time to do the things I said I could. I’ve got a dolls house (never had one before) so am decorating/designing that, papercraft, I’ve recently learned to use a sewing machine and have made my first item of clothing. You say ‘I don’t want to volunteer’ but why? I do two volunteer roles, for 2 charities that you probably haven’t ever heard of, not all volunteering is charity shops!

I am so busy now with things I love doing I enjoy waking up each day. And getting absorbed in a hobby is brilliant for your mental health.

That's my favourite ever response from anyone on mumsnet ever. ❤️

You're right though. I do the ironing the cooking the cleaning (except bathrooms, I pay a cleaner to do that). I do all the food shopping etc.

I don't see how that could change, but I need an identify beyond that. I have no identity.

Mum and housekeeper.

Also to the PP who suggested releasing my job, I honestly hadn't thought about it like that.

I know you said you couldn’t contemplate changing jobs but I recently felt like you and wanted to share my experience. I changed jobs from a term time only last year and the first few months were the usual hard work but it has given me a totally new lease of life. I also loved not having the summer off and being able to keep busy / be paid to be too hot whilst saving holiday up for another time. So maybe don’t totally rule it out but keep your eyes open?

Teen cleans the bathrooms and you cancel the cleaner so you have a little spare money for a new hobby. Teen also learns to iron and cook because you are doing them a disservice by not getting them involved in maintaining their own home and body at this age. Stop doing all the things basically, it’s good for your teen and you will find it freeing for yourself

Because I have always been needed in the house. I have never understood why anyone would do craft or art, because what's the point if you aren't going to sell it or be an artist?!

Exercise is the only thing I've ever had any interest in. Though I can only do so much due to an injury.

Find a full time job - you’ll soon stop worrying about how to fill the time and it will help your financial situation.

I assume you work for a council or the school if it’s termtime only, so something in these areas?

Or retrain to something you are interested in (a friend of mine is looking into training as a midwife.)

Failing that, I would take up gardening, learn an instrument, volunteer for Homestart, walk the Southwest coastal path, and cook my way through both volumes of Julia Child.

These are the things I plan to do when I no longer work full time (I’ve already started learning the piano.) Also I read avidly - it is great to revisit the classics with the benefit of age and experience.