What do I fill the hours and days for the rest of my life?

[Weallwantalltheimpossiblethings]

I'm 48, on ALL the HRT, high ferritin (over 100).

Very down in the dumps. Almost empty nester. Bored out of my brain. Term time office job. No spare cash. Live rurally.

I don't know what I'm going to fill the hours with for the remaining 30yrs of my life.

I don't want to volunteer. I don't go to church and have no interest in doing so after a catholic upbringing. I can't contemplate changing job as I am always knackered and the idea of having to adapt to something new makes me feel incredibly worried and knackered in advance. Also I feel I'm getting too old for that. My memory is abysmal. HRT made no difference to remembering things.

I spent much of the school summer holidays lying on the bed avoiding the heat and staring at the ceiling or having naps.

House is on the market so zero point in gardening etc. I do all the bare minimum maintenance.

I've got no get up and go. At all. I exercise which I love and eat loads of fibre, but I find eating protein exhausting. I don't like exercise classes (hate exercising with other people) so workout at home.

I am the cook so always need to be at home in the early evenings and at weekend dinner times.

If you became an empty nester what did you do? Where do I even start? How do I pull myself out of such a dip?

This is a timely thread for me.

Thanks for your honesty everyone 😊

I relate to what has been shared here.

Gosh your posts resonate so much with me. I’m also frequently being told I might be depressed and need medication, well I’ve tried it several times and it made absolutely no difference to me! (Not saying that’s true for everyone) I feel I’ve been like this for most of my life, I’m an introvert, I had a professional job, had my dds and like you, the happiest time of my life was when they were little, I’ve tried so many things, hobbies, therapy, volunteering, etc etc groups but find it so difficult to “join in” and be “normal” that these things exhaust me!

Im not sure what the solution is other than to admit that’s how you are and try to find joy in the things you already love doing. That is enough!

Anyway thanks for starting this thread because it’s brought out a lot of people who feel the same as you. You’re not alone in feeling as you do

For anyone who has even the tiniest bit of creativity, or just used to love art at school, there is a 12 week programme of getting back in touch with this side in 'The Artists Way' by Julia Cameron. I use the morning pages (writing any old nonsense for a few pages a day), although I haven't had time to do the programme. You can buy the book, do the tasks and there's workbooks too, or you could set up a group (or not if you think it's all 'false friends', what a weird thing to say) and do it together. I think often people need structure, I do, I can't just drift through life making it up as I go along although I wish I could!

You don't have to reply. Let this be your first exercise in putting yourself first and making space for you!

Agree with this!

I think this thread serves in part as a warning to women to not get lost in motherhood! Maintain your friends, hobbies, interests, career etc as one day the kids will be all grown up and you could find yourself adrift

I think the sort of interests you might have pre-children in your 20s and 30s don't necessarily appeal in your 50s and 60s.
I think this thread shows that a lot of women have filled their lives with work and find when they retire they are adrift.
Although in the OPs case it was being a mother, many of the posters on here haven't ever had many interests outside work.

I can’t link it op, and I am not sure if this helps or not, but there’s a You Tuber called Mum on the Spectrum who talks about autistic burn- out v depression. She has also produced a Venn diagram on this topic which is linked separately on her autistic burnout video.

I think we need another Venn diagram that throws peri-menopause and post-menopause in to the mix as well! 😀

I've read this with interest and noted certain differences. Some folk recognise that they might be depressed or struggling and respond well to meds and some don't. Citing (from memory) things like "it doesn't feel like depression it feels like something else," saying that the effort and socialising exhausts them, that exercising with others isn't enjoyable to name a few comments. Often accompanied by some saying they had felt like this off on and on most of their lives.

It really resonates with me because I was diagnosed autistic at 51. The exhaustion usually comes from masking. Masking is ok when you are 20 or 30 and fit, but not when you hit late 40s and 50s and your hormones go to shit. Therefore many women don't know / realise / question something like autism until all of a sudden you aren't coping and don't really know or understand why. It's like your own brain has gaslighted you. I used to have a long running thread on how menopause and perimenopause amplifies autism and it was a total lightbulb moment for me. It is like being hit by a juggernaut for some of us (menopause) and believe you me when I say from experience and research that autistic women are often the hardest hit, they are the ones who can end up leaving their jobs etc.

Could be worth exploring this. People usually say "oh what difference would it make at my age" It makes Every difference. Acceptance, Answers, Understanding, Kindness to oneself and, most importantly, giving yourself permission to stop doing things that make you unhappy and stressed. It then seems ro pave the way for finding small moments of joy in life. Things you like to do, giving yourself permission to explore new things gently after perhaps being a people pleaser your whole life. Finding - and more importantly - loving who you Really Are

❤️ to all who are struggling.

Thank you for this post. This really resonated with me.

I didn’t have a clue I was autistic or ADHD- I didn’t have great parents to be honest and was a single parent I just plodded on day in day out. I didn’t realise the kids were ND either. Nada idea. It’s still not recognised in women or those that mask enough.

I'm a single parent, too! DD and I were diagnosed with Autism within six months of each other, then I was diagnosed with ADHD two years later. If you don't know, then you just think it's normal for you. But now, all the awkwardness, the being forced or feeling pressured into doing certain things, having limited foods, avoiding and worrying about everything etc all makes sense. I can't do relationships, don't get 'banter' or jokes and have been labelled as odd or weird my whole life. Constantly feeling like you are acting to fit in is absolutely exhausting. Some people say they also feel like that, but it's different to just feeling tired or fatigued. Everything is just so overwhelming and people around you just think you need to steel yourself and crack on. If only it were that simple.

Solidarity to you and anyone else that gets what I'm describing.

foster!

Hi again everyone.

I've decided there are too many amazing replies to try and respond to everyone. ❤️

Some thoughts I have though from re-reading everything.

Volunteering seems to be something a lot of you find valuable. Oddly my mum always has and still does do a lot of volunteering. And DH does an unpaid role. But I never thought it was something for me. I always had the excuse that I had small children. Then a child with ASD. I couldn't do something in the evening as by 6pm my body literally shuts down and I'm in bed around 8.30. But I could do something that I can do in the school holidays, I hadn't thought of that as an option.

Some of you brought up ND. It's possible. I have an ND DS. He has been known to tell me he thinks I should get an assessment for adhd. I fully see the value for him and his diagnosis. But I also see the downsides. And I believe there would be no value for me to know if I am or not. The label and assumptions would harm me more than the knowing. But yes it is possible I suppose. Not asd, but possible adhd. If I'm being flippant, I've never lost my keys or forgotten an appointment, but I do forget things from one moment to the next at work and, notably, I talked so much at primary school that my first primary school teacher had two different nicknames for my chattering and told my parents what he called me at parents evening. Pretty mean if you think about it, but 1983 was a different time!

Hobbies. I've truly never ever had one, other than reading or exercising at home. I would adore to run again, but plantar issues, achlles tendinitis and the prolapses have put an end to that (I was running half marathons until I was 40, these things all hit with meno). I am however doing some basic knitting at the moment. It's a chore really tbh! But yes I am creating something.
There was a PP who didn't understand people without hobbies, i don't really know many people with a hobby. Unless you count something like cycling or competitive running. Everyone I know has always been so busy with DC.

{mention:PlutarchHeavensbee}@PlutarchHeavensbee if you saw my knitting, the uneven sides, you'd know I won't ever sell my art 😂

To the PP who said my post is a warning to women who dedicate their lives to their DC. Yes I agree. Except I don't regret it. And wouldn't have been able to do things differently for worry of being thought selfish for not focusing on their DC all the time. (no I don't think that way about other women, I just would have worried that's what people might have thought of me). I still feel guilty about doing back to work when DC were 8&6! Possibly the reason I loved it so much was because it gave my days meaning. I couldn't get out of my corporate job fast enough when I got pregnant. Also, at home, no one can give you a hard time. You can't get into trouble for messing up. There are no targets or threats of redundancy. It was simple and no one judges a mum with her children. I think I always knew I'd have to come out the other side and just hoped something would come up.

I do actually love living in the country. Absolutely adore it. I am surrounded by cows and fields and live in a farming community (I'm not on a farm) and I like the rhythm of the seasons and the land. Especially autumn and winter. But I appreciate I might be more likely to force myself to do something when we live in a more built up area. I don't know what, but you've all given me a lot of ideas.

As is often the case on MN, when it isn't AIBU, women can discuss an issue in a really helpful and uplifting way and I am buoyed by all of your comments. Thank you so much. Xxxx

I want to send so much love to you, OP. I was also running half marathons at 40. I also have an ND child. I also felt my life fell apart in my late 40s.

This part of your latest post made me so sad, it almost made me cry.

"And I believe there would be no value for me to know if I am or not. The label and assumptions would harm me more than the knowing"

I cannot tell you how much it has helped me, knowing that I am ND. Seriously, I could cry for the women who think otherwise. It's a dark place to be, not knowing. (As your posts have possibly demonstrated)

I am so happy now, post diagnosis. I take so much joy in everyday life. Tiny things. I host long running threads here on Mumsnet, I have had the most amazing experience with a podcast this year. My Life was dark a few years ago. I was lost. I didn't know who I was. I love my life now. Yes, it's still hard. I have a chronic illness, I am a single parent, I struggle, but life is so bloody beautiful.

I'll share this with you. It's my episode of the very poular Strangers on a Bench podcast. Please, please listen to it, as I genuinely hope you can take something from it.

open.spotify.com/episode/1CCIFvb2LbP5fVplOPWXa0?si=mL7kk6EOTZO332fxBo8b3Q&utm_source=copy-link

So much love to you.

@Weallwantalltheimpossiblethings

thats so sad OP that for years after you become a mother you never have yourself permission to focus on yourself at all for fear others would judge you! 😢

OP I think you need to be kind to yourself. Really kind. Spending time with family or my children when they were under 18 or even now is my happy place. Or my dogs.

ND does run in families. A diagnosis was life changing for me.

Not to start with - it was shock and zero support but then I got reasonable adjustments at work and I started thinking ok my brain whirs at 2 am (ADHD) no wonder I’m tired. I started to realise the masking eg tonight I was in a pub with DH and the dog and had a lovely meal (I’m on holiday) we ate at 6 pm and we left at 7.30 pm. So masking for a bit and then home and feet up and do what I want - bit of reading, bit of TV, bit of scrolling but gentle start tomorrow. I KNOW I just say my social battery is dead or I cope with any more questions and go and pull myself into bed and duvet up and read and this is fine! I know I can get autistic overwhelm and I know a cold shower or swim regulates me. I give myself permission as I know what works. Time on the decking with cup of tea and dog is no longer a luxury it is a must. Please don’t rule out a diagnosis. I’m now having autism and ADHD life coaching therapy and it is changing my life.

@RainbowZebraWarrior i will listen to your pod tomorrow. It seems we have had similar experiences. Thank you.

@Cherrytree86 its OK, don't be sad for me. I worry about how everything looks, not just my parenting 😁

I absolutely bared my soul in that podcast and I regret nothing. I am so proud of it and have had a lot of amazing feedback about it. It was an incredible experience. It has all been part of my healing process. At around 46, I was completely lost. At 55, I know exactly who I am and I really like myself.

I hope you do find time to listen, and as a PP said, please be very, very kind to yourself x

@Lighthouse143 I am very glad you've got such an incredible value and acceptance from your diagnosis. s I said I've seen the benefit DS got from his and ironically he made way more friends after it than before.

I don't know how anyone can do cold showers or wild swimming though imagine all the duck poo 🦆😬

The fact you exercise properly is a huge plus. Will you get some equity from the house sale? Use it to plan a holiday. The break will help you reflect and work out what you want to do.

I'm with you on the wild swimming! However, DD saw a documentary on the BBC when she was about 10 about swimming in waterfalls in the Lake District so we went and did that (after a trip to Decathlon for some neoprene) and it was actually really fun!

You could try for 2027 saying yes to one thing each month or trying one thing you wouldn't normally do. You may surprise yourself.

@Phineyj possibly. I do say no to an awful lot. I've become something of an expert at finding ways not to do things.

There are some female acquaintances currently on a massive trip on the other side of the world. My mind boggles at how they said decided to do it, found the spare money and went.

Op, what a lovely appreciative message. I think lots of us have found this thread helpful.

One way I worked out what to do in later mid-life has been to say to myself: if I were to pop my clogs in a year's time, what would I regret not doing? I wouldn't regret not doing wild swimming (reminds me too much of gulping down seawater and seaweed as a child) or travelling the world (not much of a one for new places). I wouldn't regret not skydiving or any risky things. I did hone in on one possible regret though, which was there's a book I've always wanted to write. I've cracked on with that. I also would regret never being able to dance again, so I've got some cheesy exercise videos set to 80's and 90's music.

Not everyone wants the same kind of life, and many of the other things people love doing (volunteering, joining zumba or yoga, wild swimming) aren't for me and it can feel like you are floundering around, but I found thinking about this in terms of things that I do want to do and would regret not doing focused my mind very helpfully.

I would also say that if there's nothing you would regret not doing and you don't have any motivation to do anything, you may be a tad depressed. I was for a few years and the main change now I've treated it (meds, meditation, writing) is that I feel engaged with life again, like there's a bit of a point to it all. Just a thought.